Was the wig party we attended last fall a foreshadowing? I don't think the Marilyn look is me.
I just popped some painkillers, drained the disgusting grenade-looking drain under my arm and am just sitting here devastated. Oreo is on my lap and I will go to bed very soon. Not up to talking quite yet but, figured I'd go ahead and write a little bit.
I did not expect to wake up with a drain under my arm and everything that implies. The cancer spread to the lymph nodes and that means in all probability chemotherapy and radiation. I cannot believe it. Really cannot believe it.
When I woke up, I was in excruciating pain. It felt like someone speared an ice pick through my breast. 10 out of 10 on the Pain scale. When I realized that there was a drain, I sobbed unreservedly.
Percentages are usually my friend. Statistically, there was a 10 or so percent chance that the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes. Presently, I am not enjoying being in the top 10 percent. I've always prided myself on excelling, prided myself on never doing anything halfway. I was in the top 3 percentile with my LSAT score. Top percentile in IQ, top percentiles in body fat percentage, top spelling bee in elementary school. Hell, even top percentile for some of my old sales jobs, although that was only luck.
What I wouldn’t do to be in the middle of the bell curve right now.
When I first met my friend Kirsten, we went to Cabo. We bonded and shared stories. Over many frosty margaritas. I recall telling her then that as she got to know me better, she'd see that I live life on a Big scale. No halfway. Again, I really wish that wasn't the case right now. Couldn't I have been in the 80% with a benign lump? The 90% that hadn't spread?
Yes, I am "Why Me'ing" right now. I'm sure I'll move on from that but, it is all I feel right now.
Let's see: silver lining. Digging deep here: Todd did stop and get us Mish-Mosh soup from Milton’s and it was yummy and perfect. Oreo is still on my lap and his purring is making me happy. The forecast calls for rain all weekend and I am glad. It fits.
I am sure that I will pull myself up and beat the crap out of this. But, I really wish that I just didn't have to.
i love you claire! you're going to be ok... focus on being the best selling novelist you should be :) see you in a bit... zoe
ReplyDeleteWish I was with you to hold your hand, give you a hug, get loopy with you on wine and just be a strong support system for you! Love you, let me know when you're up for chatting.
ReplyDeleteWhen they tell you to live in the moment, they forget to tell you about the moments you'd like to fast forward through. Sending you much love.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you Claire and sending you so much love and light. You are one of the most resilient women I know - you are a fighter with immense grace and insurpasable knowledge -you are a radiant warrior goddess. Breathe and know that so many honor and love you. Let me know when okay to call... I love u, chica.. Camille
ReplyDeleteDamn straight you'll beat the crap out of it! You are Strong! Bet you make it very sorry it decided to pick on you...
ReplyDelete-Steve
That SUX!!! No other way to say it... it just plain freakin SUX!!! I'm sorry that you're part of the 10%.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I know that you'll get through this better, faster, stronger than ever before. Kinda like the bionic woman!
Thinking of you and sending you lots of LOVE, LIGHT and ENERGY!!!
Liz
you are on my mind claire...
ReplyDeleteIf you can handle those FREAKIN springless side splits you can handle ANYTHING!!!
ReplyDeleteclaire...just thinking about you and sending you positive vibes and good thoughts. You are one of the most head-strong people I know, an attribute that will serve you well through all this. Remember that this is just a journey, and not a destination. You can control and choose how you will travel this journey....with bunches of friends, lots of love and fabulous flair!!!
ReplyDeleteMuch love....Robyn...PS Virginia is freakin cold, and I'm coming to CA in April, and looking forward to a celebration of life cocktail!!!