Definitely not Christmas or my Birthday

Was the wig party we attended last fall a foreshadowing? I don't think the Marilyn look is me.

I just popped some painkillers, drained the disgusting grenade-looking drain under my arm and am just sitting here devastated. Oreo is on my lap and I will go to bed very soon. Not up to talking quite yet but, figured I'd go ahead and write a little bit.

I did not expect to wake up with a drain under my arm and everything that implies. The cancer spread to the lymph nodes and that means in all probability chemotherapy and radiation. I cannot believe it. Really cannot believe it.

When I woke up, I was in excruciating pain. It felt like someone speared an ice pick through my breast. 10 out of 10 on the Pain scale. When I realized that there was a drain, I sobbed unreservedly.

Percentages are usually my friend. Statistically, there was a 10 or so percent chance that the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes. Presently, I am not enjoying being in the top 10 percent. I've always prided myself on excelling, prided myself on never doing anything halfway. I was in the top 3 percentile with my LSAT score. Top percentile in IQ, top percentiles in body fat percentage, top spelling bee in elementary school. Hell, even top percentile for some of my old sales jobs, although that was only luck.

What I wouldn’t do to be in the middle of the bell curve right now.

When I first met my friend Kirsten, we went to Cabo. We bonded and shared stories. Over many frosty margaritas. I recall telling her then that as she got to know me better, she'd see that I live life on a Big scale. No halfway. Again, I really wish that wasn't the case right now. Couldn't I have been in the 80% with a benign lump? The 90% that hadn't spread?

Yes, I am "Why Me'ing" right now. I'm sure I'll move on from that but, it is all I feel right now.

Let's see: silver lining. Digging deep here: Todd did stop and get us Mish-Mosh soup from Milton’s and it was yummy and perfect. Oreo is still on my lap and his purring is making me happy. The forecast calls for rain all weekend and I am glad. It fits.

I am sure that I will pull myself up and beat the crap out of this. But, I really wish that I just didn't have to.

Surgery Eve...time to put on the Granny Panties

This photo is from my 40th birthday party in Beverly Hills. What a fun night! I remember this moment clearly. I remember exactly what I wished for at that moment.

I wanted to find true love, I wanted to find my purpose and direction in my career, I wanted to get rid of drama in my life, I really wanted the cake to be chocolate inside, I wanted to keep all the beautiful friends and family in my life who have always been there for me. And, I got all of it. Every single bit. I forgot to make a request for my health.....Tonight, I will blow out a candle wishing for health in addition to maintaining the rest of my wonderful, blessed rollercoaster of a life.

As my friend Lissa likes to say, "It is time to put on your Big Girl Panties." Today we decided that big girl panties wouldn’t suffice: time for the Granny Panties.

Surgery Eve doesn't have quite the same impact as Christmas Eve or even Birthday Eve, my personal favorite. But, there is the same sense of anticipation. The inability to relax, the fear of not sleeping, the wonder of what will be unwrapped. Definitely an Ambien-night. I'll be really mad if I end up addicted to Ambien. HA! Sleep is vital at this point by whatever means.

My biggest worry is that I cannot eat after midnight and I don't check in until 12pm. Really??!! I'm going to starve. If I don't get fed every two to three hours, it isn't pretty. Even if it is veggies...yes, I'm adapting to all the greens.

Todd is taking me to a yummy dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant. I've got it all planned: stuff myself with pasta, bread and whatever isn't nailed down to the table, bring home leftovers and have a second feeding right before midnight. I need something to stick to my ever-shrinking belly. I swear, the only thing that makes me lose weight is a break-up or cancer. All this nervous energy and all these veggies....is that a silver lining?

So, I am all prepared for tomorrow:

Health Care Directive, check.
List of phone numbers for Todd to call after surgery, check.
My surgery outfit (see, just how you lay out your outfit on Christmas Eve for the big day)....maybe I will be able to convince myself that tomorrow is Christmas.
Fuzzy purple "slipper-socks" courtesy of my friend Anaise, check.
Rolling Stones vintage zip-front sweatshirt, check.
My favorite fancy white sweat pants and.....

I was directed to bring a sports bra that closes in front for my après-surgery outfit. Well, I could only find one that cost almost $50 and it was atrocious. I'm talking hideous. Never to be worn again. I am sorry but, I am not spending $50 on something that looks like your 80 year old grandmother would find frumpy!! So, I went to Target and got a $10 regular front close bra. It should work, right? What are they going to do? I figure they can pack me and what is left of my bosom right into it. And, zip up the Rolling Stones right over it.

I did get a highly entertaining care package today. Lots of healing positive items, including a Dr. Seuss book and my favorite item: a small "beck and call" bell so I don't have to bellow at Todd to bring me bon-bons. How have I made it this far in life without that bell?? Thank you Anaise. It is fabulous!! Todd may not think so by the end of the weekend....

I feel very grateful. Very spoiled, pampered and loved. The outpouring of support is keeping me buoyant despite the situation. And, I love hearing from some old friends that I haven't spoken to in a long time. Amazing how friendship lasts over the years and memories never fade. An old sorority sister reminded me of Meg and I's former preference for jugs of Peach Riunite wine in college. A reminder of how our tastes have evolved!!

I'm going to sign off and get ready for a romantic date with the love of my life. I'm not sure if I will write pre-surgery tomorrow or not. Thanks for listening and allowing me this forum. xo,Claire

Jimbo's Juicer Broken....really!

This photo is from Christmas with the Todd’s parents, the Martis. And, yes, I did eat all of those cookies plus a few dozen more! The frosting was green.... those were the days!!

Todd and I arrived up in Mammoth Mountain last night. I'm now cozy under a blanket on the overstuffed couch, with a view of nothing but snow! Thank you dear Lissa for gifting us this weekend escape.

What is that phrase? Something about wherever you go, there you are. Or, you can't run away from your issues? Change of scenery certainly helps but, I have to admit I'm anxious about next week.

I digress. Imagine that. So, yesterday morning, I'd taught my two back-to-back yoga classes at Sculpt Fusion and really needed some nutrition fast. I'd had my healthy bar and some fruit but, I realized I needed an energy boost. Christa, my nutritional advisor had mentioned to go get wheat grass--see earlier post on my feelings on that issue--and had mentioned a "Uber-Energy" drink.

So, I, Claire Petretti, of my own free will, drove to Jimbos to order the "Emerald Bliss". She did neglect to tell me there was kale involved but, I figured I'd just go for it since there were so many other good veggies and apple juice, that I wouldn't taste it. I sauntered up to the counter and ordered it. With 2 oz of wheat grass added no less! Again, I felt rather virtuous because what I really wanted was the package of Jimbos Deviled Eggs. After waiting for 10 minutes, the attendant informed me that THE JUICER WAS BROKEN and should be up in running in 10 more minutes and my drink was 3rd in line. Blocked! Stopped! No Emerald Bliss for me!!

Well, some may think I may have gone for the Deviled Eggs or the tasty looking cranberry muffin that beckoned to me. Nope. I actually purchased the Evolutions Essential Greens. Yes, the same vegetable juice combination that made me dry heave just one short week ago. I drank the whole thing in the car, without a gag or a gasp. I did, however, have a greenish ring around my mouth. Kind of like when you drink yummy chocolate milk. I would kill for some chocolate milk right about now.

That's all from the mountain. One week from today will provide lots of answers. I think that until I wake up from the surgery Friday afternoon and know that I don't have a drain under my arm that signals that the cancer had spread, I won't truly be able to relax. I'll do my best.

Ebb and flow....

Ahh, ebb and flow. Shadow and light. Good and evil. All those dichotomies. I've got to say, I'm definitely ebbing today. I guess it all a natural process, right?

Yesterday afternoon I hit the wall. Not literally, although I am a clutz and whack myself often, but this time it was just a figurative wall of concrete although it felt just as solid. The adrenaline and manic pace of the last few weeks really took its toll. I realized that when I arrived home that I hadn't just sat down and relaxed all week. Non-stop appointments, information overload, obsession with green food and stress plain and simple. Doesn't make for a steady Claire.

Relaxing last night was good. Todd and I watched the Haiti telethon and wow, did that put things in perspective. It is so difficult to get my head around the reality of the damage in that beaten down country. It is hard not to wonder why a culture, a vibrant people like the Haitians would have to endure that punishment. And, it is inspiring to see the world helping, to see the optimism in the face of such tragedy.

Anyway, back to me. It does feel rather selfish but, I started this blogging journey and will finish it. I have my surgery date of February 5th. It is outpatient; they say I should be back to yoga and Pilates the next day. I don't think they know the kind of yoga we do at Sculpt Fusion and Frogs!! But, I'll have the weekend to recover and then plow into February. I believe there is a four week reprieve prior to beginning radiation treatment for 7 weeks. 5 days a week. Ugh.

Right now, I am toast. I don't know how I'll have the energy for the next few months. I was a hot mess in the grocery store with the pressure to find the organic zucchini. Like one regular zucchini will make or break me. All I want right now is a brownie.

My highlight today was teaching the complimentary yoga class at lululemon in Carlsbad. It was my inaugural class as ambassador and it was fantastic. Several of my regular students, friends and the wonderful lulu family showed up to show support and it felt good. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the love.

But, I need my own yoga now. I'm going to head to yoga at 4pm and I hope it will settle the angst I feel roiling beneath the surface. It is a visceral feeling in my belly at the moment: maybe I'm just starting to hit the reality of my diagnosis. Lord knows Denial has been my middle name before.

Here's to the upward trend again.....

Stop saying "lumpectomy" Petretti!

So, it is called a Partial Mastectomy, not a lumpectomy. I've been corrected now by the surgeon, the Nurse Practitioner, the receptionist, and some random person that I'm not even sure works at the hospital. Apparently, lumpectomy is not a proper term. It sure sounds better to me. The "M" word is scary.

I was terrified to go in today. Whereas part of me felt sure that I'd found this early, the other part of me couldn't help but feel like this has all been so unfair and crappy that she'd tell me they had to lop off my boob. It must've shown in my face because I've been offered Xanax more than once.

To make it worse, my appointment was at 2:45 and they called at 2:30 to say the surgeon was running an hour late. Seriously??? Excruciatingly slow passing of time. The appointment ended up being almost 2 hours late and I had to cancel my 5pm Pilates clients and barely made it to the 6pm class. Driving through hail to get there. Yes, golf ball sized hail in San Diego.

I am happy to report that Dr. Kurtzahls not only recommended the lumpectomy and radiation, but also said that she thought we'd have good results. Todd and I got to see the results of the BSGI and MRI on her computer screen and there it was: the alien that somehow landed inside me. There is a little satellite alien, about 2mm big right nearby. The satellite is also being extricated. The tests didn't show anything else negative, including the lymph nodes. The lump is larger than originally diagnosed: 2.5cm. When I've said I try to live life on a grand scale, that isn't exactly what I had in mind.

It looks like surgery will be in the next two weeks or so. Next week, Todd and I get to escape to Mammoth, courtesy of my lovely friend Spicer. I need a change of scenery. Badly. And, I'd like to feel like a have a smidgen of control, at least in choosing the surgery date!

I got to finish my evening off with lovely, dear friends, without whom I wouldn't be able to keep up my energy and attitude. Yes, I had a glass of wine. I don't think it will kill me.

p.s. this photo is of me sneering at the breast cancer!! (and my dear friend Nikke)

Update from yesterday and today is "meet the surgeon" day

Last night, I was so exhausted that not only could I not finish a lovely 1 hour yoga class, but I also couldn't write when I got home. How am I so busy all of a sudden? The whirlwind of appointments is breathtaking. I thought my pace was rather frenetic before but, wow!

p.s. Photo is Jake, my silly cat. He makes me smile with his undignified positions!

I met with the wonderful Christa Orecchio of www.thewholejourney.com nutrition. She is a friend and kindly offered to help tweak my diet so that my body is a cancer fighting machine. No sugar. A lot of greens. Alkaline foods. Flax oil. Organic everything. My brain is very full!! I have a terrible sweet tooth and a bad habit of treating myself a lot with cookies. Chocolate chip, the rasberry heart cookie, Pims dark chocolate with orange, oatmeal....come to think of it, there isn’t a cookie I don’t like. No cookies for me for 3 months. Apparently, sugar is quite the breeding ground for disease. Hell, maybe I'll have one. This will truly be day by day.

I zoomed over to Seaside market to get some of the items on the shopping list she gave me. I've never selected a yam before. Interesting looking creature. We'll see what it looks like when Chef Todd is done with it. As long as it tastes good, I will eat it.

Super greens juice does not taste good. In fact, it is disgusting. I tried to chug half of it and almost lost it in the kitchen sink. I am sorry people but, broccoli, cucumber and whatever other green item was in there does not a tasty drink make. Yuck. I'd much rather eat my veggies. So many of them.....green, green, green.

Yes, I dreamed about vegetables last night. I have eaten more leafy greens in the last week than I have in the last month. I cannot help but feel rather virtuous.

The other appointment yesterday was for the BSGI test, which wasn't bad. Relatively. It is supposed to be an amazingly specific diagnostic test to see if there are any other alien invaders in either breast. Basically, you sit in a chair with one boob on a shelf, while it is photographed from 3 angles, for 7 minutes each. Oh yeah, I get injected with some dye again beforehand. You can see the lump, it looks like a black marble.

The poor technician! She was wonderful, like everyone at Scripps has been, but, I guess I talk through these tests in order to not think about them. That woman knows about my childhood time living in Africa, my teaching stint for Princeton Review LSAT course, that my sister broke her leg and why she is living in Israel, where Corsica is and why it is a French colony instead of Italian despite Petretti sounding Italian, that my boyfriend is amazing and very different than my past relationships. Oh yeah, and she also got to arrange my boobs on a shelf several times. Maybe she should have bought me dinner.

No wonder I was tired. My beauty treat after my appointment, SPOILER FOR THOSE WHO THINK MY HAIR GROWS OUT OF MY HEAD THIS WAY, was getting my highlights touched up. Nothing like a little sunshine on the hair to brighten an outlook.

Today is the day we meet with the surgeon and find out, I hope, when this marble is being removed. I am ready for it to exit stage right. Again, I am super-committed to eating like a champion and creating an invincible immune system but, I want this lump out. Period. No questions asked. Does not belong.

Later that same day.....the power of yoga

To everyone who has reached out to me: wow. I am humbled and grateful. Keep it coming!!

It is amazing what both Pilates and Yoga do for me. I know I preach it to all my students, all the time but, it is true. I spent an hour at the Pilates studio and just tuning in simply to breath and movement helped clear my mind a lot. And, relax my pounding heart. An hour of yoga with Todd (yes, Todd!!) was awesome. I've never actually held hands with anyone in Savasana. I highly recommend it.

I'm scared. But, I feel stronger and I know I will handle this. When I figure out just why I have to handle another tough challenge....I will let you know. All this experience with death and disease has to come to some good, right?

Next week is the photo shoot for my lululemon ambassador photo. I'm really excited, not to just have my big head up on the wall at the store but, to have a positive focus this week. I'm shifting that focus to eating super healthy and clean not to fight the cancer but, to feel strong and powerful for my photo. I'm stepping up my yoga and Pilates even more for every reason.

It may seem shallow or silly to some but, memorializing myself looking powerful, beautiful(hair and makeup willing), and strong as a yogi in the setting by the magical ocean I love so much, feels very symbolic. I'm lucky to have this happening now. To all the lululemon family: thanks so much for your blessings and support. To all the lovely people in my life: thanks for this support I couldn't have imagined.

Readers Digest Version of the first week...(kind of long, sorry)

I must retrace my steps in order for this all to make sense. Once upon a time, in a sleepy Southern California town…

It is 4:34 a.m. on January 9, 2010. I can't sleep. I have to say that it has not been the most auspicious beginning to 2010. I’ve got my right boob all taped up after a biopsy that was not fun at all. The instrument the doctor used sounded like a staple gun and it fired loudly with each chunk of flesh it removes. Hello?! Couldn’t they you use a silencer?

After my mammogram and ultrasound, the doctor entered the room to inform me that they had me scheduled for a biopsy in a few hours. Not scary news at all. The biopsy doctor was very nice and very blunt. She told me that the irregular shape of the lump made it very worrisome and most likely cancerous. I cannot believe this is happening. My 2010 vision board said that this supposed to be my year to regain my health, not the year that I get cancer. How can this be?

The minute I finished the biopsy and saw my boyfriend Todd, I burst into tears. The doctor had asked me if I wanted anxiety medication but, I demurred. I wanted to go to the beach and watch the breathtaking sunset and get some love from the ocean. It always calms me.

But, I did need a drink. A stiff drink. Not my usual method of handling stress but, in the circumstances, I think it wasn’t out of line.

We stopped at the liquor store in Del Mar. As I perused my choices, I realized that I couldn't get a large beer because I'd be full before I would be able to take the edge off of my news. So, I chose a Mikes Hard Lemonade. In a quart bottle. We dressed it up with a plain paper bag and as my boyfriend Todd drove us through the charming village of Del Mar, I was chugging it. Yes, chugging it out of a brown paper bag. This is one of the first moments that I wished for a video camera. I turned down Xanax for some malt liquor. I am happy to report that it did the trick. And, watching the sunset with my love also helped. ( the “my love” reference is for Todd, not the Mikes Lemonade, in case you were wondering)

1:41am January 14, 2010: Okay, the waking up in the middle of the night is getting old.

As suspected, it is cancer. Boy, my propensity for always being right, at least in my own mind, sure isn’t serving me right now. I did not have a good feeling from the day I found the lump and I was right. Imagine that. I think that trait served me better in my law school days....

Monday wasn’t a bad day waiting for the confirmation. I taught my Pilates class, kicked my own butt working out in the Pilates studio, taught yoga and chilled in the afternoon. Taught another yoga class at Agility Studio and came home and soaked up The Bachelor. Ahh, cheesy TV. I can't help it--it is about the only show I ever watch and I find it highly entertaining. I was asked to be a contestant on it a few years back but, that is another story. I turned that one down. I think they were setting me up to be the cougar....HA!

How I got the news: Tuesday Morning, January 12: 8:20am—I am running late for my Tuesday morning yoga class and was almost to the exit on the highway. I get the phone call that will probably forever alter my life. The doctor told me that she had gotten the pathology results and that they were positive; there was cancer present. Wow. No details, that isn’t her specialty and I had been set up for an appointment on Wednesday at 11:15 am at the Surgery Center. She asked if I was going to have someone to spend some time with that day as she didn’t think I should be alone. Well, no. Probably not a good idea.

Next dilemma: how the hell was I going to teach my class, in 5 minutes? But, then I realized that I love my class, I love teaching yoga and I was just going to do it. I left Todd a message on voicemail. He was in Colorado and I think received the news right before a big client presentation. Probably not my most considerate move but, hey, I've been told I can be selfish....

I told Kim, who owns Sculpt Fusion Yoga, as I arrived and got a big hug. Which was nice. One of my favorite students, Helene, was there and she knew too so, the support felt tangible. Everything just flowed in class and it was beautiful. A little chatter after my class and prior to the 10am class and then I was diving in to some yoga. Teacher Jenn kicked my and everyone’s booty and I spent a good portion of the class in child’s pose. Yow. But, it had to have been better than not taking class, right? I am writing like a third grader but, that is okay for right now. I will let go of my University of Virginia English major status for present.

After yoga, for some reason, I thought that going to get a manicure/pedicure was the best idea. And, it was. For some reason, grooming really calms me down and perks me up. And, my friend Kirsten came and joined me. Girl time rocks.

Well, there was some encouraging news. It is Stage 1, at least as of now, until/unless they find it moved anywhere else. I've got to have some more diagnostic tests to find that out. Already discussed the MRI and now I've got a BSGI scheduled for Tuesday morning. That test should show if the pesky cancer cells have traveled around. Surgery probably won't happen for another 3-5 weeks--just lots of testing and fun in between. Oy. They also don't know yet if it will be lumpectomy and radiation, the "M" word (I seriously hope not) or if chemo will be involved. No. Don't want that at all. I plan on eating all my veggies, finally, and hope that helps.

They do keep reassuring me that if the "M" does happen that they have fabulous plastic surgeons and it is included....or if the lumpectomy, they tighten and lift it up a bit. I asked if they would also do that for the left one and apparently, you can get a free boob lift out of this. Finally..the silver lining....perky girls until I'm 80.