1 leap forward, 2 steps back..Post-op

Okay, I'm trying to be positive because I was wishing, wishing, wishing that the remaining lymph nodes were clear and they are. Very pleased that it hasn't traveled further into my body. That means we caught it relatively early.

So, 1 node of 10 is positive. My sister had 8, so that gives me a benchmark. Her treatment was brutal--she is the strongest woman I know and survived but, it hurt every moment to see what she had to endure.

I thought that just one teeny, weeny, tiny, little node would mean no chemotherapy but, the doctor extinguished that hope and told me that:

1)It is still positive,
2)It still metastasized,
3)and that even though it didn't get far, she believes chemo will be in order.

Epiphany: once a lawyer, always a lawyer. I found myself bargaining with the doctor to avoid chemo. Again, I felt like I was in a movie observing myself as a third person. How many ways can Claire reframe the question until she gets the answer she wants? Believe me, I tried!! I did not get it.

We meet with the medical oncologist next week, who is the dictator of the "recipe" for further treatment. My best friend's mom Judy, who is like a second mom to me, has been incredibly helpful and supportive through this process, with an invaluable backround as an oncology nurse. She explained to me they make up a unique cocktail/recipe based on a variety of factors, not just the node. Another week of waiting....

I'm still going to do my best to learn if there are alternatives to that dreaded C. I'm still not sure that I am willing to go there. I don't know that I believe it is the true solution. I know it kills the cancer cells but, so many people I've seen go through it never have the same immune system again. I just see it as such a permanent poisoning of my entire system. But, I will listen to the oncologist with an open mind. As open as I am able. I am not ruling it out.

Again, let me emphasize that I am grateful that the cancer did not spread farther. But, I also need time to process what I call the two steps back. There is no black and white here. Shades of gray. And, I hope people can understand and respect the need to acknowledge and process the negative.

Because sometimes, things just suck. No silver lining. No false cheer. Optimism tempered by pragmatism? Who knows? Perhaps I'll be enlightened by the end of this process. Again, I cannot pretend that I am not disappointed about some of today's news. Here goes the venting:

When they did my lumpectomy, they took out margins of healthy tissue surrounding the tumor. Apparently, they have to go back in for a second surgery because there was not quite enough of a clear margin on the section of the lump where the "satellite" tumor was. So, they have to open me back up, go in and "shave off" a little more flesh. More anethesia, more surgery. Not happy about that at all. This will occur most likely in 2 weeks. Really??? All that for a centimeter and a half?

Even more annoying: this Drain is still in until at least Tuesday. I cannot teach until then. I cannot start any physical therapy on the arm that I cannot lift up beyond shoulder height until Drain is gone. I cannot wear anything that pulls over my head and my zipper/button front tops are very limited. The doctor suggested I put the Drain in a fanny pack and blouse my top out over it. Granted, she's only seen me in a hospital gown or she would know I don't own anything that would blouse out over a fanny pack. I am not buying new clothes to dress the Drain.

Also, I learned that my underarm will be permanently numb. And, they want me to wear a sleeve whenever I fly because of barometric pressure changes......not sure if that is forever too. Apparently, some nerves are "sacrificed" to take out the lymph nodes. I get to be fitted for said sleeve. Sure that will be interesting....a smartass friend sent me a website for DivaSleeves...nice.

So, back to the positive: it only spread to one node. My dear old friend Robert came by and did some healing energy work and I took a lovely peaceful nap with Jake. Todd's back and came to the appointment with me and I am very lucky to have his support. I got more amazing care packages: I am SPOILED. Love it. I now have a stuffed bunny and an angel bear watching out for me.

The Drain remains and the armpit is still hairy....maybe I can grow it long enough to do a combover if necessary down the road?