Spot on my Liver. Really???!!!!

I love all the comments. Jessie--I like the idea of 9 months of gestation to baby Claire. Although, I'd kind of liked me pre-rebirth but, what the heck.

Warning: I feel bad. Really bad. And, I'm gonna vent it. There is also some good. Let's see. Gratitude first.

I am very happy that my dad, brother and sister are in town to see me. We've had a great visit so far. It was a beautiful day and we went to La Jolla. We also went to Lululemon so they could see WHAT Lululemon is, what it stands for in the community and my life and most importantly, where my photo would be on the wall. HA! It was wonderful to be able to share that part of my life with them.

We also ate yummy meals at Georges and Third Corner, respectively.

Now to the bad part. So, my oncologist phones me today. Personally. Mind you, I get almost daily calls from Scripps for scheduling, test results and the like. Today, my oncologist picked up the phone, herself, and called me. This is not a good sign.

A little background: I had some horrible tests yesterday. The Breast Cancer Gene test. They sucked out a bunch of blood. A Chest X-Ray, not so bad. A CT and PET Scan that were a nightmare. My friend Zoe accompanied me (and took some photos--where are they Zoe??) and was planning to stay with me. Having someone there makes it more palatable.

Well, not for these tests. They take you into a room, sit you in a chair, and inject a radioactive isotope with dye. Zoe was not allowed to stay. I could not read. I could not talk on the phone. I could not move. I had to sit, completely still, in a chair with this IV sticking out of my arm for 45 minutes. Well, you can only imagine how the mind wanders. I kept thinking of my late brother Andre, the hemophiliac, who spent about a day per month in the hospital for all of his 34 years. How did he endure it?

I sat there and bawled. Alone. For 45 minutes.

Next, they take you and stick you into the coffin-like machine for the two tests. The first one is feet first and the second is head first. Again, you cannot move.

Insult to injury: You have to fast for 6 hours. I hate being deprived of food. I need to be fed every few hours or it is not pretty. Zoe is a saint. She went and bought me lunch. With a big chocolate donut. Sugar be damned. I shoveled all of the healthy stuff and the donut and almost felt human. Almost.

So, now for the bad part. My doctor was calling to tell me that the CT/PET results concerned not only her but, two radiologists as well. There is a 9mm spot on my liver. She said that at first she wasn't worried, that it looked subtle to her and could be a birthmark or maybe something benign. But, after the second radiologist read it and also expressed concern, they want to do a super-special MRI of my abdomen with an Invitriol?? to find out what it is. Great. The liver is the first place where anything metastasizes.

She called me because she didn't want to wait until our appointment on the 8th. She doesn't want to lose another week. Treatment apparently will be very different if this liver issue is cancer. The liver. All I can think about is all that beer and grain alcohol at UVa. Did I have one jello shot too many 20 years ago?

I did tell her that I had accepted I needed chemo and was ready to go. She asked what days worked for me and I told her Fridays, so I could recuperate over the weekend and minimize my time away from teaching. Teaching helps maintain a shred of sanity. She said she'd get it scheduled and we should start my first round on the 12th of March. Unless this liver spot is something serious.

Each time I accept or resign myself to the horror of this, something worse happens. I finally process all the information on chemotherapy and agree to it and now this. I don't know how much longer I can keep it together. I really don't. Where will this end? What the hell will they want to do if it is in my liver? How strong am I supposed to be?

Maybe it is time to sell my car and travel and just enjoy how I feel now, for however long it lasts. The idea tempts me. Todd? Jake and Oreo? Anyone?