Day One Too Many

If I didn't have my teaching, I think I would be completely insane. My yoga and Pilates students are absolutely amazing and remind me every day why I left corporate America. Sharing positive energy and knowing that I am helping them as much as they are helping me is incredibly powerful. Everyone at Sculpt Fusion Yoga has been so warm and caring, giving me an incredible amount of support and love. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

I cannot fathom what this experience would have been like if I still sold legal and business software or God forbid, still practiced law. Can you imagine? "Claire, I know you are having surgery Friday so, can you come in Sunday to make up your billable hours please?"

I feel like I'm biding my time. This week is marked as unique because I only have one doctor's appointment. It is a big one. Surgery. The day after tomorrow. Tick tock. Tick tock. TGIF in the sense that I'll know if the cancer has spread on Friday afternoon.

I've been trying to stay really busy and I think the condo is cleaner than it has ever been before. I'm talking mopped floors, washed rugs, sparkling refrigerator drawers....the flurry of activity helped me not think. Key to sanity.

I feel strong, supported, loved and optimistic. I'm still pissed off that I have this disease. Angry. Wrong. Cancer,Cancer,Cancer. What the hell? I did actually have someone say to me that I was lucky that it was "just breast cancer"....

Are you kidding me? Just because now 1 in 8 women have breast cancer, up from 1 in 20 only 30 years ago, doesn't make it less of a tragic disease. Yes, it is treatable, yes, the survival rates are high but, the point is that you have to SURVIVE. A yoga student gave me an article called "The Unbearable Lightness of Breast Cancer", written by a survivor who was appalled at how every woman stricken with the disease was expected to put on a happy face and make the best of it. She was upset at the lack of anger. It was an interesting twist.

I know that I am the type of person who tries to make the best of any situation. Who makes things work. No matter what. I've been told many times that I am a Survivor. I don't know that I like that term. Life isn't something to be survived, it should be savored. I am not savoring this experience. But, I don't know if I will every figure out the why of this situation. I will deal with it. I'll be strong. But, I don't have to like it and I'm not going to pretend that it is not a big deal.

I feel like I should add a "So there!"

Time to curl up in the newly laundered sheets and comforter with Jake and Oreo and attempt to read. It is strange: my favorite pastime of reading has been marred by my shortened attention span. No more! Going to hit the books.