Big Tree Fall Hard

Ahh, another favorite movie line. Wedding Crashers. Well, today I walked in Vince Vaughn's shoes. Tackled out of left field.

As I've mentioned, this second surgery was a piece of cake compared to the first. I'm keeping up on the pain medication, which may be why I'm having a tough time writing a coherent sentence. But, I suppose that because this time I don't have the drain, it doesn't feel as serious? My arm continues to heal, which helps.

It was a beautiful, sunny day and Todd and I went to the lagoon for a walk. Not a "time to walk the Claire" but, a walk together at our old pace. It felt lovely. Normal.

Then, voluntarily, I requested Todd stop at Jimbos so I could get an Emerald Bliss. With a shot of wheat grass. The taste fails to improve. Eternal optimist that I am, I continue to hope each time that I'll take a sip and won't gag. Nope. This bitter brew better be magic! Or, I'll be rather perturbed. I do feel smug and virtuous. Obviously, as I feel compelled to report it in my blog each time I drink one.

When we arrived home, I was feeling fired up and vacuumed. Then, I selected two workout DVDs that I usually find easy. I need to do exercise! I detest feeling the muscles in my legs, arms and core just atrophying away. Skinny-fat. I can literally feel it. As I'm about to start one of the DVDs, I was suddenly hit with a wave of tiredness and nausea. Oh no.

I had no other option except to lie down. Two hours later, I swam back into consciousness. Was this from the pain medication? I guess I did just have surgery less than 48 hours ago and need to take it slowly. But, I felt so great earlier!

Is this foreshadowing? Is this what will happen during treatment? I'll feel great and then all of a sudden crash? With zero control? No option but to lie down or fall over? I couldn't help but start crying when I woke up. I've always considered myself so strong and it certainly doesn't feel that way now.

This battle isn't day by day. It is hour by hour.

Stay ahead of the Pain Meds!!

This photo is from Leonesse Winery. It captures my family dynamic quite well. My brother Robert, sister Yael, yours truly and my dad laughing at us all. We visited Temecula for the afternoon so I could really get a head start on my pain medication prior to the surgery yesterday. Nothing like a little red wine.

The recovery from this second surgery is significantly better than the first. No drain. No terrible fear at the potential of chemotherapy. Somehow, over the last few weeks, the chemotherapy became my reality. Wow. I started to do some more research in my natural medicine book on the antioxidants, vitamins and nutrition to counterbalance the poisonous drugs soon to be injected into my system. It is overwhelming.

I started reading about the side-effects again and it is unfathomable that I will be going through all of this over the next four months or so. Then 7 weeks of radiation. No, no, no, no! It is mind-boggling to list out all of the supplements I should take: the fish oil, the enzymes, the greens, the juicing, the vitamins. How much, when, on and on. What will help strengthen the white blood cells, which supplements will help diminish the bone marrow damage. It is enough to drive me insane.

I also got the first bill from my insurance company. Whew. A lot of money. And, it is just for January. No surgeries yet, none of these recent fancy scans and tests included. The financial aspect of this is scary. I feel grateful that I do have good insurance but, I'm going to be treated over the next six or seven months and I know the price of poison isn't cheap. I am freaking out. And, my COBRA coverage ends in August. I sure hope that I can get it extended.

I'm a whiner today, aren't I? It was a tough week. The liver spot threw me for a loop. Let's try to shift this. I felt in a fine mood but, the minute I started writing, the fears emerge. I've got a lot of yucky tests upcoming, including a 4 hour bone scan, the MRI with Eovist for the liver and an EKG. Whew.

Okay, shift gears Claire: I am very grateful for my family's visit and love, for Todd(who insists that I give him photographer credit for this photo), for all of my awesome friends support. My lovely girls are taking me to Palm Springs next weekend so that I can finally get my craving for lazing by the pool fulfilled. I cannot wait to just absorb some sunshine, read a book, leave this part of my life behind for a little while.

Time for pain meds....they tell you not to fall behind or they won't work! We cannot have that. :)

Surgery Eve...time to put on the Granny Panties

This photo is from my 40th birthday party in Beverly Hills. What a fun night! I remember this moment clearly. I remember exactly what I wished for at that moment.

I wanted to find true love, I wanted to find my purpose and direction in my career, I wanted to get rid of drama in my life, I really wanted the cake to be chocolate inside, I wanted to keep all the beautiful friends and family in my life who have always been there for me. And, I got all of it. Every single bit. I forgot to make a request for my health.....Tonight, I will blow out a candle wishing for health in addition to maintaining the rest of my wonderful, blessed rollercoaster of a life.

As my friend Lissa likes to say, "It is time to put on your Big Girl Panties." Today we decided that big girl panties wouldn’t suffice: time for the Granny Panties.

Surgery Eve doesn't have quite the same impact as Christmas Eve or even Birthday Eve, my personal favorite. But, there is the same sense of anticipation. The inability to relax, the fear of not sleeping, the wonder of what will be unwrapped. Definitely an Ambien-night. I'll be really mad if I end up addicted to Ambien. HA! Sleep is vital at this point by whatever means.

My biggest worry is that I cannot eat after midnight and I don't check in until 12pm. Really??!! I'm going to starve. If I don't get fed every two to three hours, it isn't pretty. Even if it is veggies...yes, I'm adapting to all the greens.

Todd is taking me to a yummy dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant. I've got it all planned: stuff myself with pasta, bread and whatever isn't nailed down to the table, bring home leftovers and have a second feeding right before midnight. I need something to stick to my ever-shrinking belly. I swear, the only thing that makes me lose weight is a break-up or cancer. All this nervous energy and all these veggies....is that a silver lining?

So, I am all prepared for tomorrow:

Health Care Directive, check.
List of phone numbers for Todd to call after surgery, check.
My surgery outfit (see, just how you lay out your outfit on Christmas Eve for the big day)....maybe I will be able to convince myself that tomorrow is Christmas.
Fuzzy purple "slipper-socks" courtesy of my friend Anaise, check.
Rolling Stones vintage zip-front sweatshirt, check.
My favorite fancy white sweat pants and.....

I was directed to bring a sports bra that closes in front for my après-surgery outfit. Well, I could only find one that cost almost $50 and it was atrocious. I'm talking hideous. Never to be worn again. I am sorry but, I am not spending $50 on something that looks like your 80 year old grandmother would find frumpy!! So, I went to Target and got a $10 regular front close bra. It should work, right? What are they going to do? I figure they can pack me and what is left of my bosom right into it. And, zip up the Rolling Stones right over it.

I did get a highly entertaining care package today. Lots of healing positive items, including a Dr. Seuss book and my favorite item: a small "beck and call" bell so I don't have to bellow at Todd to bring me bon-bons. How have I made it this far in life without that bell?? Thank you Anaise. It is fabulous!! Todd may not think so by the end of the weekend....

I feel very grateful. Very spoiled, pampered and loved. The outpouring of support is keeping me buoyant despite the situation. And, I love hearing from some old friends that I haven't spoken to in a long time. Amazing how friendship lasts over the years and memories never fade. An old sorority sister reminded me of Meg and I's former preference for jugs of Peach Riunite wine in college. A reminder of how our tastes have evolved!!

I'm going to sign off and get ready for a romantic date with the love of my life. I'm not sure if I will write pre-surgery tomorrow or not. Thanks for listening and allowing me this forum. xo,Claire

Day One Too Many

If I didn't have my teaching, I think I would be completely insane. My yoga and Pilates students are absolutely amazing and remind me every day why I left corporate America. Sharing positive energy and knowing that I am helping them as much as they are helping me is incredibly powerful. Everyone at Sculpt Fusion Yoga has been so warm and caring, giving me an incredible amount of support and love. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

I cannot fathom what this experience would have been like if I still sold legal and business software or God forbid, still practiced law. Can you imagine? "Claire, I know you are having surgery Friday so, can you come in Sunday to make up your billable hours please?"

I feel like I'm biding my time. This week is marked as unique because I only have one doctor's appointment. It is a big one. Surgery. The day after tomorrow. Tick tock. Tick tock. TGIF in the sense that I'll know if the cancer has spread on Friday afternoon.

I've been trying to stay really busy and I think the condo is cleaner than it has ever been before. I'm talking mopped floors, washed rugs, sparkling refrigerator drawers....the flurry of activity helped me not think. Key to sanity.

I feel strong, supported, loved and optimistic. I'm still pissed off that I have this disease. Angry. Wrong. Cancer,Cancer,Cancer. What the hell? I did actually have someone say to me that I was lucky that it was "just breast cancer"....

Are you kidding me? Just because now 1 in 8 women have breast cancer, up from 1 in 20 only 30 years ago, doesn't make it less of a tragic disease. Yes, it is treatable, yes, the survival rates are high but, the point is that you have to SURVIVE. A yoga student gave me an article called "The Unbearable Lightness of Breast Cancer", written by a survivor who was appalled at how every woman stricken with the disease was expected to put on a happy face and make the best of it. She was upset at the lack of anger. It was an interesting twist.

I know that I am the type of person who tries to make the best of any situation. Who makes things work. No matter what. I've been told many times that I am a Survivor. I don't know that I like that term. Life isn't something to be survived, it should be savored. I am not savoring this experience. But, I don't know if I will every figure out the why of this situation. I will deal with it. I'll be strong. But, I don't have to like it and I'm not going to pretend that it is not a big deal.

I feel like I should add a "So there!"

Time to curl up in the newly laundered sheets and comforter with Jake and Oreo and attempt to read. It is strange: my favorite pastime of reading has been marred by my shortened attention span. No more! Going to hit the books.