Yoga to the rescue!

Today, I was reminded once again of the power of practice. I attended a lovely vinyasa class and felt so calm and peaceful afterwards. It just feels so darned good to be able to practice the style of yoga that I love again. What a gift. Stepping onto the mat feeling off and exiting it feeling on. I swear it feels like a recalibration from the inside out. Wake up, yoga, rest, repeat.

I also saw Lois, my fabulous acupuncturist, to discuss using acupuncture and TCM, traditional chinese medicine, to deal with the hot flashes and the head. I feel very confident in her skills and the strength of natural remedies. Check out her blog: www.acupunctureactually.wordpress.com

The alternative isn't viable. Trust me.

There is an excellent reason that I didn't blog yesterday. My pupils were enormous, chills traveled up and down my spine and arms, my reaction time was a half-beat behind everyone elses and I just felt weird. Driving felt like I was a player in a video game. Why? I succumbed in a moment of desperation to effexor on Tuesday and Wednesday. Let's just say that it didn't sit well with my system. Medicine affects me strongly and although this was a very low dose, it made me totally crazy. I'd rather break into spontaneous sweat-fests several times a day then feel that way for an hour. And deal with waking up feeling melancholy.

I'll just remind myself that as soon as I wake up and start my day that I will feel just fine. Life is beautiful and precious and every single minute counts. Nobody knows how long we've got on this earth and I'm going to enjoy my time, sweaty or not.

A Very Good Day

Let's hope my hair doesn't grow in looking like this. Scary!

Today was a vast improvement. I felt alive and engaged.

Taught two pilates group reformer classes and whipped my students into shape. It is so fun to create routines each week to challenge their bodies and engage their minds. I know they will all be thinking of me each time they walk up the stairs over the next 48 hours. Hee hee.

Enjoyed a yoga class at a studio where I've never practiced before with my friend Kirsten. It felt good to follow through on my goal to practice daily and reconnect with my body.

Taught my noon yoga class and felt inspired by my students' beautiful energy. Afterwards, I was able to catch up with my friend and fellow teacher Meredith at the always tasty Naked Cafe.

Throughout all of it, I had energy. Positive energy. Fantastic. Savoring it while I can.

Now, it is time to gear up for Round Three on Thursday. Prescriptions to fill, blood to be drawn, appointments to make. Will this be the second to last treatment or the halfway point? Four, four, four.......I can keep trying to manifest four, right?

I have my acupuncture appointments lined up. I'm convinced that the reason I haven't suffered any nausea with my chemotherapy is the skill of the talented Ms. Lois.

I am glad that even conventional Western medicine recognizes the benefits of acupuncture in cancer treatment. I am convinced that I wouldn't be handling the physical aspects of this protocol without all of the complementary therapies I'm doing.

If only acupuncture could help with the baldness.

Good enough to think

New Moon was excellent on the third viewing last night. Love it. Maybe I'll watch it again tonight.

The last few days have been interesting. Physically, I feel significantly better. I have a lot of energy in the morning and then around 2pm I crash for a few hours. Hard. The only problem with not having such a huge focus on the physical body is the shift to the mental and emotional bodies.

Time to think.

Time to feel.

Time to consider what's been happening the last few months. What is going to happen over the next several months. Yoga is all about living in the present. Harmonizing the physical, mental and emotional selves. Well, it is a lot easier said than done on a full-time basis. I was able to be present in my Yoga for Cancer workshop this weekend. When I exercise or am immersed in an activity, I can be fully present. Unfortunately, I cannot do yoga or pilates or walk all my waking hours.

What I've discovered? It is not a challenge to slip into darkness. Yesterday was rough. My mind keeps circling back to the fact that I absolutely do not want to go through 5 more rounds, 5 more weeks of feeling terrible, and although I've committed to going through with it, the resistance continues to rise. I don't want to play anymore.

One thing I've been told repeatedly is that I'll know who my true friends are and aren't. I've discovered that I have more friends than I ever realized. It is very warming to my heart. Most people have been incredibly sensitive to the fact that I'm not going to be "Claire" all the time. They are empathetic with my limited abilities to interact. I've got zero ability to do more than keep it together on a day to day basis. I'll keep trying my best.

Excited to be teaching again this week. I'll be teaching two weeks on/one week off for chemo and recovery. It will be a gift to be immersed in my passion again after a week off. Day by day.

Day One Too Many

If I didn't have my teaching, I think I would be completely insane. My yoga and Pilates students are absolutely amazing and remind me every day why I left corporate America. Sharing positive energy and knowing that I am helping them as much as they are helping me is incredibly powerful. Everyone at Sculpt Fusion Yoga has been so warm and caring, giving me an incredible amount of support and love. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

I cannot fathom what this experience would have been like if I still sold legal and business software or God forbid, still practiced law. Can you imagine? "Claire, I know you are having surgery Friday so, can you come in Sunday to make up your billable hours please?"

I feel like I'm biding my time. This week is marked as unique because I only have one doctor's appointment. It is a big one. Surgery. The day after tomorrow. Tick tock. Tick tock. TGIF in the sense that I'll know if the cancer has spread on Friday afternoon.

I've been trying to stay really busy and I think the condo is cleaner than it has ever been before. I'm talking mopped floors, washed rugs, sparkling refrigerator drawers....the flurry of activity helped me not think. Key to sanity.

I feel strong, supported, loved and optimistic. I'm still pissed off that I have this disease. Angry. Wrong. Cancer,Cancer,Cancer. What the hell? I did actually have someone say to me that I was lucky that it was "just breast cancer"....

Are you kidding me? Just because now 1 in 8 women have breast cancer, up from 1 in 20 only 30 years ago, doesn't make it less of a tragic disease. Yes, it is treatable, yes, the survival rates are high but, the point is that you have to SURVIVE. A yoga student gave me an article called "The Unbearable Lightness of Breast Cancer", written by a survivor who was appalled at how every woman stricken with the disease was expected to put on a happy face and make the best of it. She was upset at the lack of anger. It was an interesting twist.

I know that I am the type of person who tries to make the best of any situation. Who makes things work. No matter what. I've been told many times that I am a Survivor. I don't know that I like that term. Life isn't something to be survived, it should be savored. I am not savoring this experience. But, I don't know if I will every figure out the why of this situation. I will deal with it. I'll be strong. But, I don't have to like it and I'm not going to pretend that it is not a big deal.

I feel like I should add a "So there!"

Time to curl up in the newly laundered sheets and comforter with Jake and Oreo and attempt to read. It is strange: my favorite pastime of reading has been marred by my shortened attention span. No more! Going to hit the books.

Ebb and flow....

Ahh, ebb and flow. Shadow and light. Good and evil. All those dichotomies. I've got to say, I'm definitely ebbing today. I guess it all a natural process, right?

Yesterday afternoon I hit the wall. Not literally, although I am a clutz and whack myself often, but this time it was just a figurative wall of concrete although it felt just as solid. The adrenaline and manic pace of the last few weeks really took its toll. I realized that when I arrived home that I hadn't just sat down and relaxed all week. Non-stop appointments, information overload, obsession with green food and stress plain and simple. Doesn't make for a steady Claire.

Relaxing last night was good. Todd and I watched the Haiti telethon and wow, did that put things in perspective. It is so difficult to get my head around the reality of the damage in that beaten down country. It is hard not to wonder why a culture, a vibrant people like the Haitians would have to endure that punishment. And, it is inspiring to see the world helping, to see the optimism in the face of such tragedy.

Anyway, back to me. It does feel rather selfish but, I started this blogging journey and will finish it. I have my surgery date of February 5th. It is outpatient; they say I should be back to yoga and Pilates the next day. I don't think they know the kind of yoga we do at Sculpt Fusion and Frogs!! But, I'll have the weekend to recover and then plow into February. I believe there is a four week reprieve prior to beginning radiation treatment for 7 weeks. 5 days a week. Ugh.

Right now, I am toast. I don't know how I'll have the energy for the next few months. I was a hot mess in the grocery store with the pressure to find the organic zucchini. Like one regular zucchini will make or break me. All I want right now is a brownie.

My highlight today was teaching the complimentary yoga class at lululemon in Carlsbad. It was my inaugural class as ambassador and it was fantastic. Several of my regular students, friends and the wonderful lulu family showed up to show support and it felt good. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the love.

But, I need my own yoga now. I'm going to head to yoga at 4pm and I hope it will settle the angst I feel roiling beneath the surface. It is a visceral feeling in my belly at the moment: maybe I'm just starting to hit the reality of my diagnosis. Lord knows Denial has been my middle name before.

Here's to the upward trend again.....

Readers Digest Version of the first week...(kind of long, sorry)

I must retrace my steps in order for this all to make sense. Once upon a time, in a sleepy Southern California town…

It is 4:34 a.m. on January 9, 2010. I can't sleep. I have to say that it has not been the most auspicious beginning to 2010. I’ve got my right boob all taped up after a biopsy that was not fun at all. The instrument the doctor used sounded like a staple gun and it fired loudly with each chunk of flesh it removes. Hello?! Couldn’t they you use a silencer?

After my mammogram and ultrasound, the doctor entered the room to inform me that they had me scheduled for a biopsy in a few hours. Not scary news at all. The biopsy doctor was very nice and very blunt. She told me that the irregular shape of the lump made it very worrisome and most likely cancerous. I cannot believe this is happening. My 2010 vision board said that this supposed to be my year to regain my health, not the year that I get cancer. How can this be?

The minute I finished the biopsy and saw my boyfriend Todd, I burst into tears. The doctor had asked me if I wanted anxiety medication but, I demurred. I wanted to go to the beach and watch the breathtaking sunset and get some love from the ocean. It always calms me.

But, I did need a drink. A stiff drink. Not my usual method of handling stress but, in the circumstances, I think it wasn’t out of line.

We stopped at the liquor store in Del Mar. As I perused my choices, I realized that I couldn't get a large beer because I'd be full before I would be able to take the edge off of my news. So, I chose a Mikes Hard Lemonade. In a quart bottle. We dressed it up with a plain paper bag and as my boyfriend Todd drove us through the charming village of Del Mar, I was chugging it. Yes, chugging it out of a brown paper bag. This is one of the first moments that I wished for a video camera. I turned down Xanax for some malt liquor. I am happy to report that it did the trick. And, watching the sunset with my love also helped. ( the “my love” reference is for Todd, not the Mikes Lemonade, in case you were wondering)

1:41am January 14, 2010: Okay, the waking up in the middle of the night is getting old.

As suspected, it is cancer. Boy, my propensity for always being right, at least in my own mind, sure isn’t serving me right now. I did not have a good feeling from the day I found the lump and I was right. Imagine that. I think that trait served me better in my law school days....

Monday wasn’t a bad day waiting for the confirmation. I taught my Pilates class, kicked my own butt working out in the Pilates studio, taught yoga and chilled in the afternoon. Taught another yoga class at Agility Studio and came home and soaked up The Bachelor. Ahh, cheesy TV. I can't help it--it is about the only show I ever watch and I find it highly entertaining. I was asked to be a contestant on it a few years back but, that is another story. I turned that one down. I think they were setting me up to be the cougar....HA!

How I got the news: Tuesday Morning, January 12: 8:20am—I am running late for my Tuesday morning yoga class and was almost to the exit on the highway. I get the phone call that will probably forever alter my life. The doctor told me that she had gotten the pathology results and that they were positive; there was cancer present. Wow. No details, that isn’t her specialty and I had been set up for an appointment on Wednesday at 11:15 am at the Surgery Center. She asked if I was going to have someone to spend some time with that day as she didn’t think I should be alone. Well, no. Probably not a good idea.

Next dilemma: how the hell was I going to teach my class, in 5 minutes? But, then I realized that I love my class, I love teaching yoga and I was just going to do it. I left Todd a message on voicemail. He was in Colorado and I think received the news right before a big client presentation. Probably not my most considerate move but, hey, I've been told I can be selfish....

I told Kim, who owns Sculpt Fusion Yoga, as I arrived and got a big hug. Which was nice. One of my favorite students, Helene, was there and she knew too so, the support felt tangible. Everything just flowed in class and it was beautiful. A little chatter after my class and prior to the 10am class and then I was diving in to some yoga. Teacher Jenn kicked my and everyone’s booty and I spent a good portion of the class in child’s pose. Yow. But, it had to have been better than not taking class, right? I am writing like a third grader but, that is okay for right now. I will let go of my University of Virginia English major status for present.

After yoga, for some reason, I thought that going to get a manicure/pedicure was the best idea. And, it was. For some reason, grooming really calms me down and perks me up. And, my friend Kirsten came and joined me. Girl time rocks.

Well, there was some encouraging news. It is Stage 1, at least as of now, until/unless they find it moved anywhere else. I've got to have some more diagnostic tests to find that out. Already discussed the MRI and now I've got a BSGI scheduled for Tuesday morning. That test should show if the pesky cancer cells have traveled around. Surgery probably won't happen for another 3-5 weeks--just lots of testing and fun in between. Oy. They also don't know yet if it will be lumpectomy and radiation, the "M" word (I seriously hope not) or if chemo will be involved. No. Don't want that at all. I plan on eating all my veggies, finally, and hope that helps.

They do keep reassuring me that if the "M" does happen that they have fabulous plastic surgeons and it is included....or if the lumpectomy, they tighten and lift it up a bit. I asked if they would also do that for the left one and apparently, you can get a free boob lift out of this. Finally..the silver lining....perky girls until I'm 80.

Learning to build a consistent personal practice, no matter what!

Recently, I had two conversations with students who were feeling that if they couldn't get to yoga class every single day, then they weren't really yogis, they didn't really have a strong practice, etc. etc. Because they felt that they weren't able to practice enough,they didn't think they were getting all the mind-body benefits that they wanted from yoga. These conversations really resonated with me. I'd been feeling the same way because I've been teaching so much that my own practice had suffered.

I was reminded of a really simple premise: consistency is what matters. Quality over quantity. Many of us don't have time to go to the studio every day or even every other day. We also don't have time to attend a 60 minute class, much less a 90 minute class on a daily basis. But, that is okay!

You don't have to rush around or skip sleep to get in a 60-90 minute practice every day. No, consistency means that you can do a 20 minute home practice if that is all you have time for and that is fine. It is the repeated practice of focusing on the breath and moving through asanas that really matter. Alternatively, developing a meditation practice at home is also a great way to be consistent with your practice.

There is an incredible book on this topic, "The Heart of Yoga, Developing a Personal Practice" by T.K.V. Desikachar, a well-respected guru. In the book, practical tips are offered on how to create your own yoga practice, targeted specifically to how you feel each day and what your mind and body desire at any given time. There are numerous books, DVDs and TV programs that can lead you through yoga classes.

Finally, by practicing alone at home, you can really tune in to your practice without distractions. Try it!