Misadventures in the Mystic booth...

I am officially losing my marbles. The last one has hit the floor folks. My little episode this evening confirmed it but, the little episode tonight saved me from a complete meltdown. There is always a trade-off. Quid pro quo...I do remember some legalese....I laughed so hard at myself that it got me out of my head for a bit.

After a relaxing weekend in the winter wonderland that is Mammoth, I had one important task tonight. To get a tan. A mystic tan. My long-awaited ambassador photo shoot for lululemon is Tuesday morning and I want to look my best. I'm not sure why this photo is so symbolic for me but, it really is. Strength, power, beauty.

One negative aspect to a vacation weekend was that I had too much time to think. And, the path my mind traveled was not a pretty one. Morbid, dark, morose, shades of black. I am officially freaking out. I don't know if it is just really hitting me now that I have CANCER but, I'm not quite sure how I am going to keep it together until my surgery Friday. Until I swim to the surface out of anethesia around 5pm, I will not know if the cancer has spread. The doctors cannot know until they biopsy the sentinel lymph node prior to the lumpectomy whether this evil alien has spread its seed. No pressure. I'll be fine until Friday.

And, I've tried the Xanax to sleep and I do not love how it makes me feel. At all. No more of that. I will take a Valium on Friday pre-surgery but, that is it. Maybe the Xanax has an after-effect of lowering my IQ?

Okay, enough of my morbidity. Here's the funny story.

I used to be the mystic tan master. I've been going into that Porta-potty-looking booth that sprays you and leaves you a lovely golden tan for years. I was one of the originals because I was so thrilled that I could look tan without getting any sun damage. Over the years, I learned all the little tricks to avoid getting streaked hands, orange feet and all the other potential side-effects that occur if you are not vigilant with your exfoliation, your barrier cream, your hand position.... I could go on forever. No mistakes here.

Granted, I haven't gotten a mystic tan in a while. Just been too busy drinking wheatgrass and being felt-up by hospital employees. Regardless, the blunder I made tonight was a first.

I was distracted. I brought a bikini bottom but, it never made it out of my purse.
Forgot it. Oblivious to that little snafu, I was in the booth, shower cap in place, ready to get golden. I pushed the Start button.

Cold spray shot out from the nozzles, covering me from head to toe. I looked down and screamed.

My bra. was. on. my. boobs. I'd forgotten to take off my bra and forgotten to put on my bikini bottom!

I managed to rip the offending garment off and tossed it on the floor of the booth. Of course, I'd asked for the bronzing version of the tan and my bra turned a lovely shade of bronze. Oops....I hope I caught it in time or I'll have some funny strap marks in my photographs.

Yes, that was the last marble.

Kale, kale, everywhere.....even in Mammoth!

No, I didn't buy this cat hat but, I regret it and want it.

Okay, it is a kale conspiracy. Yes, just like the bloody wheatgrass. My mother used to boil kale and put vinegar on it. Sorry Mom but, you ruined kale for me forever. Kale is also an excellent food for iguanas: they thrive on it. To me, kale is meant for iguanas. Not me. Vitamins or not.

After lazing about all day yesterday, except for 90 minutes of yummy yoga while Todd snowboarded, we descended into the village and had an excellent dinner.

I chose the Ono for dinner but, there was a huge dilemma. The ono came on a bed of kale. I asked our Fast Times at Ridgemont High looking-waiter if the chef would substitute the broccolini for the kale. No way dude! Apparently, the chef at Petras is an artiste and will not substitute anything in his creations. Broccolini: NO. The broccolini was served only with the New York Steak. No broccolini for you! Soup Nazi anyone? With a little fanagling (sp?), I did manage to substitute spinach. HA!! I swear, I have never seen, heard or smelled so much kale in my life.

Today, I feel good. I've finally relaxed a bit and feel like I am on vacation. Todd and I did some yoga to begin the morning. For the first time in the history of visiting a ski resort town, I am not going to ski or snowboard. Now, for those of you who have seen me on those pieces of equipment, you can stop laughing. Although I may not descend the mountain very elegantly, I have fun. For some reason, I just don't feel strong enough.

Instead, we are going sledding! Yee-ha. You can't go to the snow without careening down the mountain and laughing like a maniac. That is the plan! Then, a yummy, cozy dinner at the condo. A little R&R before the surgery.

Jimbo's Juicer Broken....really!

This photo is from Christmas with the Todd’s parents, the Martis. And, yes, I did eat all of those cookies plus a few dozen more! The frosting was green.... those were the days!!

Todd and I arrived up in Mammoth Mountain last night. I'm now cozy under a blanket on the overstuffed couch, with a view of nothing but snow! Thank you dear Lissa for gifting us this weekend escape.

What is that phrase? Something about wherever you go, there you are. Or, you can't run away from your issues? Change of scenery certainly helps but, I have to admit I'm anxious about next week.

I digress. Imagine that. So, yesterday morning, I'd taught my two back-to-back yoga classes at Sculpt Fusion and really needed some nutrition fast. I'd had my healthy bar and some fruit but, I realized I needed an energy boost. Christa, my nutritional advisor had mentioned to go get wheat grass--see earlier post on my feelings on that issue--and had mentioned a "Uber-Energy" drink.

So, I, Claire Petretti, of my own free will, drove to Jimbos to order the "Emerald Bliss". She did neglect to tell me there was kale involved but, I figured I'd just go for it since there were so many other good veggies and apple juice, that I wouldn't taste it. I sauntered up to the counter and ordered it. With 2 oz of wheat grass added no less! Again, I felt rather virtuous because what I really wanted was the package of Jimbos Deviled Eggs. After waiting for 10 minutes, the attendant informed me that THE JUICER WAS BROKEN and should be up in running in 10 more minutes and my drink was 3rd in line. Blocked! Stopped! No Emerald Bliss for me!!

Well, some may think I may have gone for the Deviled Eggs or the tasty looking cranberry muffin that beckoned to me. Nope. I actually purchased the Evolutions Essential Greens. Yes, the same vegetable juice combination that made me dry heave just one short week ago. I drank the whole thing in the car, without a gag or a gasp. I did, however, have a greenish ring around my mouth. Kind of like when you drink yummy chocolate milk. I would kill for some chocolate milk right about now.

That's all from the mountain. One week from today will provide lots of answers. I think that until I wake up from the surgery Friday afternoon and know that I don't have a drain under my arm that signals that the cancer had spread, I won't truly be able to relax. I'll do my best.

Adventures of Masked Yogi at Pre-op

I thought that the gowns and the never-ending boob groping by every employee of Scripps were humiliating enough. But, oh no, I was mistaken.

As you can see by my latest photo, I am not the shallow, vain, boob-obsessed narcissist I may seem from my other photo postings. I wanted to photoshop my head onto a bikini body shot but, alas, I lack the skill for that.

When my friend Joanna and I walked over to the actual hospital for the first of three appointments that comprised my pre-op appointments, we had to check in with the guardian at the gate. We were issued Visitor Badges and since I have the sniffles, I was issued the lovely blue mask I am wearing in my photo. Seriously. I had to wear it through the hospital to make sure I didn't infect anyone. Very insulting.

We couldn't stop laughing and I was dying to rip it off but, there are cameras everywhere. What if I was kicked out and the surgery delayed? Too risky. So, after taking this photo opportunity, I stuffed it into my purse. I had a good story if we were stopped: the nurse had me remove it to talk and I forgot it in her office.....we exited the hospital through a different door, just to ensure that I didn't have to lie!

Question: why aren't there any air-holes in the mask? I couldn't breathe???!!!

The gist of today's appointment was to remind me that surgery is Friday, February 5th at 12pm. Apparently, first I will be injected with a painful, radioactive isotope so that when they take the sentinel lymph node, they can see if the cancer has spread. If the cancer has indeed spread, they will take out 10-15 lymph nodes and I will have to wear a drain under my arm for 7-10 days. This is beyond disturbing. And, makes me gag. Really? How am I to teach hot yoga with a drain in my arm? Sleep? I know they have to tell me all the possibilities but, yuck.

I should be out of the hospital at 6pm, just in time for the weekend. So, I've had my fifth recommendation to take Xanax. And, I am going to follow this advice the day of surgery. Hell, I'm wondering if I should start now?

My friend Joanna took notes as the NP told me all of this. Thank goodness because I have about a 75% retention rate. Kind of like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons. All I seem to recall is "REEEEALLLLYYY PAINFUL INJECTION INTO YOUR RIGHT BREAST, TAKE XANAX!!! and you “CANNOT EAT OR DRINK 8 HOURS PRIOR TO NOON” on Friday. How am I not going to eat? I am not pretty to be around without my breakfast and every three hour feedings. I can only imagine Friday noon: starving, spaced out on Xanax and waiting for surgery.

If anyone knows the short route to Sainthood, please sign Todd up for it, as he'll be the one dealing with the hungry monster pre-surgery.

On a positive note, no more appointments until the actual surgery next week. And, I received the most amazing care package from Colleen Sudduth, a girl I've known since 2nd grade. I cried as I opened it and all the wonderful "moon goddess" goodies, aromatherapy salts, lotions, salves and something called Ass Kisser. Gotta love it.

Feeling like a "bourrique"

What is a bourrique, you ask? It is a Corsican donkey, known for its exceptional stubborness. A hard-headed beast. This was/is one of my dad's favorite nicknames for me. I wonder why. My dad came over from France when he was 25. My grand-pere is Corsican, which is why everybody thinks "Petretti" is Italian.

Quick history lesson: Corsica is a small island in the Mediterranean. Napoleon Bonaparte's home. The French and Italians fought over it for centuries and the French won. Or, so they believe. It is one of the most beautiful spots on earth and I was lucky enough to spend several summers of my childhood staying at my grand-pere's flat in Ille-Rousse, a magical coastal town.

Anyways, back to the bourrique(BOOR-EEK). I'm feeling very stubborn, resistant, annoyed and rebellious right now. I'm just tired of this already. A wise advisor told me to pace myself and that's what I need to do. I generally attack things head on, knowing very well that I am right and nobody can change my mind. I'm probably quite annoying to be around at times. Thank god my charm and wit balance it out. Ha. The last few weeks, I was determined to find all the best medical advice, holistic advice, survivor advice, diet advice, etc etc. And, now my brain is full.

When I'm teaching, I'm blessedly released from these obsessive thoughts zooming around my brain. I'm just not good being told to restrict myself. I have always loved food and eat pretty well, living by an 80/20 rule. Luckily, my weight has never varied by more than 5 or 6 pounds. So, if I eat something "bad", I always balance it out. I'm fine with adding things and I must say I am enjoying all the veggies but, I am craving a brownie and I think I must have it or go completely batty. Don't try to talk me out of it. I'll butt you with my hard donkey head.

I'm wondering how this will affect all my relationships. Everyone has been amazing. My boyfriend is handling this like a champ, even though he's been fortunate enough not to have to deal with cancer before in his immediate family and it is all new. He's been taking me to appointments, holding me when I cry, going on the vegetable adventure with me, trying new recipes, cooking for us, listening to my outbursts and watching me charge through a schedule that cannot be considered sane. I just don't want these next few months to be just about my health. Or, our diet. I don't want him to have to shoulder this entire burden. I don't want to be a burden.

My best friend Megan keeps making me cry. We've known each other since we were 14. Attended University of Virginia together, moved to California, etc. She knows me better than just about anyone. And, amazingly, still loves me. We have so many funny memories. Her support is rock solid.

A fellow yoga teacher at Sculpt Fusion Yoga also made me cry today. Her daughter, who has never met me, drew me a picture, complete with chakra colors added in and her favorite inspirational quotes. She is 13. She also made me a beautiful necklace with a butterfly and a heart. As I have been each and every day of this journey, I am humbled. Family, friends, co-workers, and strangers: so many have reached out to me and all that love and support is fantastic.

The WheatGrass Conspiracy

Rereading yesterday's entry helps me appreciate how much better I feel today. Yoga helped. I had a few moments during my practice where I almost cried and that felt right. The magic of yoga releasing the stored toxins, the stored emotions and the trauma that needed to exit my system.

I admit that I had another tearful moment in Dandasana, staring down at my cleavage. It looked so pretty. I'm realizing that I'm very attached to the girls. It is part of my identity, my femininity, my body image; one of the few physical traits I share with my sister and mom. Is that shallow? I think it is deeper than that. (despite this photo from Cabo :))

When I had my artificial disc replacement surgery about 15 months ago, I was struck by how threatened I was knowing that the surgeon would be slicing into the front of my throat. Can you say invasive? It feels the exact same way knowing that they'll be wielding the scalpel on my right breast. For some reason, if it were my leg or something on my backside, it wouldn't be so identity-shaking.

I had a beautiful morning. The sun is shining again in San Diego and all feels right with the world. The storming and hailing last week contributed to my challenges. I'm such a weather wimp, which is probably why I transplanted from Virginia after college. Part of my relocation deal was sunny, in the 60s and 70s. All the time. Period. If there is rain, I should be able to stay inside, under a blanket on the couch.

My dear friend Nikke (in last post's photo of me pouting) met me at Swamis and we went for a long walk on the beach. An epic swell is in town due to all the storms so, the surf was powerful and waves crashed to shore. In addition to the seagulls and those little birds with long skinny legs (anyone know their ornithology?), a majestic pelican sat at the edge of the surf. He looked like a beautiful, wise old guru. I've never seen one sit there on the beach like a king amongst his subjects. Magical. I believe that animals have meaning and I looked up the Pelican: forgiveness. Interesting.

After the healing walk by the ocean, we hit Swamis for a yummy, healthy brunch. Christa, my awesome nutritionist, told me to take shots of wheat grass at any opportunity. Generally, I've interpreted that to mean if I don't see a billboard posted saying DRINK WHEATGRASS NOW! I can avoid it.

Well, much to my chagrin, Swamis had a giant wheat grass sign. Right there on the counter where you order. In plain sight. I couldn't avert my gaze fast enough. Darn it! Nikke took one for the team and we both got a shot. I'm sorry people but, it is gross, gross, gross. Chills shot from the top of my scalp, down my spine, to the tips of my toes. I cringe just remembering it. I mean, they have a patch of grass sitting on the counter and they cut it in front of you. I felt like a spoiled rabbit. Ordering my lunch at the counter.

Alright, enough rambling. New Orleans vs. Minnesota is on!

Ebb and flow....

Ahh, ebb and flow. Shadow and light. Good and evil. All those dichotomies. I've got to say, I'm definitely ebbing today. I guess it all a natural process, right?

Yesterday afternoon I hit the wall. Not literally, although I am a clutz and whack myself often, but this time it was just a figurative wall of concrete although it felt just as solid. The adrenaline and manic pace of the last few weeks really took its toll. I realized that when I arrived home that I hadn't just sat down and relaxed all week. Non-stop appointments, information overload, obsession with green food and stress plain and simple. Doesn't make for a steady Claire.

Relaxing last night was good. Todd and I watched the Haiti telethon and wow, did that put things in perspective. It is so difficult to get my head around the reality of the damage in that beaten down country. It is hard not to wonder why a culture, a vibrant people like the Haitians would have to endure that punishment. And, it is inspiring to see the world helping, to see the optimism in the face of such tragedy.

Anyway, back to me. It does feel rather selfish but, I started this blogging journey and will finish it. I have my surgery date of February 5th. It is outpatient; they say I should be back to yoga and Pilates the next day. I don't think they know the kind of yoga we do at Sculpt Fusion and Frogs!! But, I'll have the weekend to recover and then plow into February. I believe there is a four week reprieve prior to beginning radiation treatment for 7 weeks. 5 days a week. Ugh.

Right now, I am toast. I don't know how I'll have the energy for the next few months. I was a hot mess in the grocery store with the pressure to find the organic zucchini. Like one regular zucchini will make or break me. All I want right now is a brownie.

My highlight today was teaching the complimentary yoga class at lululemon in Carlsbad. It was my inaugural class as ambassador and it was fantastic. Several of my regular students, friends and the wonderful lulu family showed up to show support and it felt good. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the love.

But, I need my own yoga now. I'm going to head to yoga at 4pm and I hope it will settle the angst I feel roiling beneath the surface. It is a visceral feeling in my belly at the moment: maybe I'm just starting to hit the reality of my diagnosis. Lord knows Denial has been my middle name before.

Here's to the upward trend again.....

Begone ye evil toxins.....

I've had eight appointments in two weeks, not including my beauty treatments to counteract the stress. I’ve donned a staggering assortment of gowns, some open in front, some open in back, none in the least flattering. There were also a few capes, which look like a poncho but, only mid-arm length. Again, not my best look. Or, anyone's for that matter. My appointment and gown on Thursday were a little different for me: I felt the need to purge so, I got a colonic. So, obviously, this one opened in the back.

I’ve been feeling that I've been poisoned slowly over the years, that toxins have been infiltrating my body. Years of birth control pills, that last keg party at University of Virginia, did I really need that jello shot? the occasional In-n-Out burger, non-organic vegetables, Reese’s peanut butter cups, who knows? You could drive yourself insane trying to think back to what you've done to create this cancer. And, the bottom line is that I've taken darned good care of myself and it isn't my fault. I am not going to accept fault that something I've done in this life caused this cancer.

Neala, my magical facialist, had an excellent observation: perhaps the lump is years of stress: 3 sibling deaths, my mother leaving when I was 14 years old, my sister's breast cancer, 6 figure law school loans, divorce, drama, 5 career changes(okay 10), car accident and resultant neck surgery....the list goes on. My life has been so wonderful the last few years with a great relationship and finding my true path career-wise, I thought I was onto the easy half of my life. And, I will be soon. But, I digress.

Back to the colonic. I promise not to go into great detail. I've never been drawn to have a colonic or cleanse from that direction but, the feeling of toxicity I've had is giving me an almost manic urge to purge. All the veggies I've consumed the last few weeks have helped.

I can't rip out the lump quite yet but, I sure can do this. I was scared but, Lacey at Living Waters in Carlsbad was amazing and I felt safe. Her knowledge of the digestive system was astounding and it made perfect sense. While I did not love the procedure, I love how I felt afterwards. Sort of like going in for a tune-up.

And, I think that while I go through radiation treatment, I'd like to come weekly and feel like my liver and gall bladder and everything else inside me is shedding the poison as fast as I am filled with it. Whether it is actually achieving that result or not, I feel like it is and that is half the battle, right? And, silver lining: my stomach feels really flat. Is it bad to enjoy that?

The weeks flurry of tests and appointments culminated in Todd surprising me with a fantastic dinner at Arterra in Del Mar. Romantic and yummy. And, yes, I ordered a salad to start and sea bass with more veggies. Again, feeling virtuous.

Today should be the day that we set the surgery date. I will feel more in control knowing that the plan is in motion.

Stop saying "lumpectomy" Petretti!

So, it is called a Partial Mastectomy, not a lumpectomy. I've been corrected now by the surgeon, the Nurse Practitioner, the receptionist, and some random person that I'm not even sure works at the hospital. Apparently, lumpectomy is not a proper term. It sure sounds better to me. The "M" word is scary.

I was terrified to go in today. Whereas part of me felt sure that I'd found this early, the other part of me couldn't help but feel like this has all been so unfair and crappy that she'd tell me they had to lop off my boob. It must've shown in my face because I've been offered Xanax more than once.

To make it worse, my appointment was at 2:45 and they called at 2:30 to say the surgeon was running an hour late. Seriously??? Excruciatingly slow passing of time. The appointment ended up being almost 2 hours late and I had to cancel my 5pm Pilates clients and barely made it to the 6pm class. Driving through hail to get there. Yes, golf ball sized hail in San Diego.

I am happy to report that Dr. Kurtzahls not only recommended the lumpectomy and radiation, but also said that she thought we'd have good results. Todd and I got to see the results of the BSGI and MRI on her computer screen and there it was: the alien that somehow landed inside me. There is a little satellite alien, about 2mm big right nearby. The satellite is also being extricated. The tests didn't show anything else negative, including the lymph nodes. The lump is larger than originally diagnosed: 2.5cm. When I've said I try to live life on a grand scale, that isn't exactly what I had in mind.

It looks like surgery will be in the next two weeks or so. Next week, Todd and I get to escape to Mammoth, courtesy of my lovely friend Spicer. I need a change of scenery. Badly. And, I'd like to feel like a have a smidgen of control, at least in choosing the surgery date!

I got to finish my evening off with lovely, dear friends, without whom I wouldn't be able to keep up my energy and attitude. Yes, I had a glass of wine. I don't think it will kill me.

p.s. this photo is of me sneering at the breast cancer!! (and my dear friend Nikke)

Update from yesterday and today is "meet the surgeon" day

Last night, I was so exhausted that not only could I not finish a lovely 1 hour yoga class, but I also couldn't write when I got home. How am I so busy all of a sudden? The whirlwind of appointments is breathtaking. I thought my pace was rather frenetic before but, wow!

p.s. Photo is Jake, my silly cat. He makes me smile with his undignified positions!

I met with the wonderful Christa Orecchio of www.thewholejourney.com nutrition. She is a friend and kindly offered to help tweak my diet so that my body is a cancer fighting machine. No sugar. A lot of greens. Alkaline foods. Flax oil. Organic everything. My brain is very full!! I have a terrible sweet tooth and a bad habit of treating myself a lot with cookies. Chocolate chip, the rasberry heart cookie, Pims dark chocolate with orange, oatmeal....come to think of it, there isn’t a cookie I don’t like. No cookies for me for 3 months. Apparently, sugar is quite the breeding ground for disease. Hell, maybe I'll have one. This will truly be day by day.

I zoomed over to Seaside market to get some of the items on the shopping list she gave me. I've never selected a yam before. Interesting looking creature. We'll see what it looks like when Chef Todd is done with it. As long as it tastes good, I will eat it.

Super greens juice does not taste good. In fact, it is disgusting. I tried to chug half of it and almost lost it in the kitchen sink. I am sorry people but, broccoli, cucumber and whatever other green item was in there does not a tasty drink make. Yuck. I'd much rather eat my veggies. So many of them.....green, green, green.

Yes, I dreamed about vegetables last night. I have eaten more leafy greens in the last week than I have in the last month. I cannot help but feel rather virtuous.

The other appointment yesterday was for the BSGI test, which wasn't bad. Relatively. It is supposed to be an amazingly specific diagnostic test to see if there are any other alien invaders in either breast. Basically, you sit in a chair with one boob on a shelf, while it is photographed from 3 angles, for 7 minutes each. Oh yeah, I get injected with some dye again beforehand. You can see the lump, it looks like a black marble.

The poor technician! She was wonderful, like everyone at Scripps has been, but, I guess I talk through these tests in order to not think about them. That woman knows about my childhood time living in Africa, my teaching stint for Princeton Review LSAT course, that my sister broke her leg and why she is living in Israel, where Corsica is and why it is a French colony instead of Italian despite Petretti sounding Italian, that my boyfriend is amazing and very different than my past relationships. Oh yeah, and she also got to arrange my boobs on a shelf several times. Maybe she should have bought me dinner.

No wonder I was tired. My beauty treat after my appointment, SPOILER FOR THOSE WHO THINK MY HAIR GROWS OUT OF MY HEAD THIS WAY, was getting my highlights touched up. Nothing like a little sunshine on the hair to brighten an outlook.

Today is the day we meet with the surgeon and find out, I hope, when this marble is being removed. I am ready for it to exit stage right. Again, I am super-committed to eating like a champion and creating an invincible immune system but, I want this lump out. Period. No questions asked. Does not belong.

Later that same day.....the power of yoga

To everyone who has reached out to me: wow. I am humbled and grateful. Keep it coming!!

It is amazing what both Pilates and Yoga do for me. I know I preach it to all my students, all the time but, it is true. I spent an hour at the Pilates studio and just tuning in simply to breath and movement helped clear my mind a lot. And, relax my pounding heart. An hour of yoga with Todd (yes, Todd!!) was awesome. I've never actually held hands with anyone in Savasana. I highly recommend it.

I'm scared. But, I feel stronger and I know I will handle this. When I figure out just why I have to handle another tough challenge....I will let you know. All this experience with death and disease has to come to some good, right?

Next week is the photo shoot for my lululemon ambassador photo. I'm really excited, not to just have my big head up on the wall at the store but, to have a positive focus this week. I'm shifting that focus to eating super healthy and clean not to fight the cancer but, to feel strong and powerful for my photo. I'm stepping up my yoga and Pilates even more for every reason.

It may seem shallow or silly to some but, memorializing myself looking powerful, beautiful(hair and makeup willing), and strong as a yogi in the setting by the magical ocean I love so much, feels very symbolic. I'm lucky to have this happening now. To all the lululemon family: thanks so much for your blessings and support. To all the lovely people in my life: thanks for this support I couldn't have imagined.

Not such a good day....

Okay, I guess this is part of the rollercoaster ride. Upon waking this morning, I could feel it: not going to be one of my energetic, adrenaline filled days. Yesterday was a flurry of Pure Barre (ouch!) and consuming an amazing book given to me by a colleague and friend about Natural Medicine and Cancer. It is fantastic. I liked it because it discusses using both natural/holistic methods in combination with medical treatment. I’ve received a great deal of well meaning advice about how to treat my cancer. All I can say is that this is not the time for me to rub herbs on my boob, chug kale shakes and hope the lump goes away. I want the lump gone. Period. Out of me. And, I will eat super, super clean too.

Bad morning appointment. Bad, bad, bad. I went alone to see the Radiation Oncologist today. Now I understand why everyone told me to always bring someone with you to the appointments. Lesson learned.

The doctor told me that based on the MRI from Friday (yes, me in tennis shoes, gown, face down with boobs in slots and a big headset), the cancer is Stage 2 because of the size. He says it is 3cm, not 1.6cm. Double what showed up on the ultrasound. Now normally, we Southern Californians see the bigger the better in the bosom region. Not for this one. There are also a couple teeny little "satellites" near the big old lump.

A newer test, the BSGI, the “97% accurate test” is tomorrow. This, again, may show if there are teeny little lumps that didn't show up on other tests. We looked at my prior mammograms and although you cannot see it from September 2009, he thinks it was there, just hidden by the dense tissue. How reassuring....

The appointment with the surgeon, Dr. Kurtzahls, is Wednesday 2:45pm and I guess we will be scheduling my lumpectomy at that time. I imagine it will be in the next few weeks. Then, you wait 4 weeks before radiation starts. That is 7 weeks.

They told me I get a free boob lift out of this. No questions asked. Silver lining.

Readers Digest Version of the first week...(kind of long, sorry)

I must retrace my steps in order for this all to make sense. Once upon a time, in a sleepy Southern California town…

It is 4:34 a.m. on January 9, 2010. I can't sleep. I have to say that it has not been the most auspicious beginning to 2010. I’ve got my right boob all taped up after a biopsy that was not fun at all. The instrument the doctor used sounded like a staple gun and it fired loudly with each chunk of flesh it removes. Hello?! Couldn’t they you use a silencer?

After my mammogram and ultrasound, the doctor entered the room to inform me that they had me scheduled for a biopsy in a few hours. Not scary news at all. The biopsy doctor was very nice and very blunt. She told me that the irregular shape of the lump made it very worrisome and most likely cancerous. I cannot believe this is happening. My 2010 vision board said that this supposed to be my year to regain my health, not the year that I get cancer. How can this be?

The minute I finished the biopsy and saw my boyfriend Todd, I burst into tears. The doctor had asked me if I wanted anxiety medication but, I demurred. I wanted to go to the beach and watch the breathtaking sunset and get some love from the ocean. It always calms me.

But, I did need a drink. A stiff drink. Not my usual method of handling stress but, in the circumstances, I think it wasn’t out of line.

We stopped at the liquor store in Del Mar. As I perused my choices, I realized that I couldn't get a large beer because I'd be full before I would be able to take the edge off of my news. So, I chose a Mikes Hard Lemonade. In a quart bottle. We dressed it up with a plain paper bag and as my boyfriend Todd drove us through the charming village of Del Mar, I was chugging it. Yes, chugging it out of a brown paper bag. This is one of the first moments that I wished for a video camera. I turned down Xanax for some malt liquor. I am happy to report that it did the trick. And, watching the sunset with my love also helped. ( the “my love” reference is for Todd, not the Mikes Lemonade, in case you were wondering)

1:41am January 14, 2010: Okay, the waking up in the middle of the night is getting old.

As suspected, it is cancer. Boy, my propensity for always being right, at least in my own mind, sure isn’t serving me right now. I did not have a good feeling from the day I found the lump and I was right. Imagine that. I think that trait served me better in my law school days....

Monday wasn’t a bad day waiting for the confirmation. I taught my Pilates class, kicked my own butt working out in the Pilates studio, taught yoga and chilled in the afternoon. Taught another yoga class at Agility Studio and came home and soaked up The Bachelor. Ahh, cheesy TV. I can't help it--it is about the only show I ever watch and I find it highly entertaining. I was asked to be a contestant on it a few years back but, that is another story. I turned that one down. I think they were setting me up to be the cougar....HA!

How I got the news: Tuesday Morning, January 12: 8:20am—I am running late for my Tuesday morning yoga class and was almost to the exit on the highway. I get the phone call that will probably forever alter my life. The doctor told me that she had gotten the pathology results and that they were positive; there was cancer present. Wow. No details, that isn’t her specialty and I had been set up for an appointment on Wednesday at 11:15 am at the Surgery Center. She asked if I was going to have someone to spend some time with that day as she didn’t think I should be alone. Well, no. Probably not a good idea.

Next dilemma: how the hell was I going to teach my class, in 5 minutes? But, then I realized that I love my class, I love teaching yoga and I was just going to do it. I left Todd a message on voicemail. He was in Colorado and I think received the news right before a big client presentation. Probably not my most considerate move but, hey, I've been told I can be selfish....

I told Kim, who owns Sculpt Fusion Yoga, as I arrived and got a big hug. Which was nice. One of my favorite students, Helene, was there and she knew too so, the support felt tangible. Everything just flowed in class and it was beautiful. A little chatter after my class and prior to the 10am class and then I was diving in to some yoga. Teacher Jenn kicked my and everyone’s booty and I spent a good portion of the class in child’s pose. Yow. But, it had to have been better than not taking class, right? I am writing like a third grader but, that is okay for right now. I will let go of my University of Virginia English major status for present.

After yoga, for some reason, I thought that going to get a manicure/pedicure was the best idea. And, it was. For some reason, grooming really calms me down and perks me up. And, my friend Kirsten came and joined me. Girl time rocks.

Well, there was some encouraging news. It is Stage 1, at least as of now, until/unless they find it moved anywhere else. I've got to have some more diagnostic tests to find that out. Already discussed the MRI and now I've got a BSGI scheduled for Tuesday morning. That test should show if the pesky cancer cells have traveled around. Surgery probably won't happen for another 3-5 weeks--just lots of testing and fun in between. Oy. They also don't know yet if it will be lumpectomy and radiation, the "M" word (I seriously hope not) or if chemo will be involved. No. Don't want that at all. I plan on eating all my veggies, finally, and hope that helps.

They do keep reassuring me that if the "M" does happen that they have fabulous plastic surgeons and it is included....or if the lumpectomy, they tighten and lift it up a bit. I asked if they would also do that for the left one and apparently, you can get a free boob lift out of this. Finally..the silver lining....perky girls until I'm 80.

Day 14: Beautiful....

Today was exactly what I needed. I went to a workshop with Erich Schiffman, an amazing yogi. He was funny, inspiring and made meditation seem simple and natural. The first yoga DVD I ever purchased was his. He is magical. I was lucky enough to experience the day with my friends Summer and Renee and I feel relaxed and positive.

Over the last few weeks, I couldn't help but feel like I've got serious bad karma. Those who know me are aware that my family has endured great tragedy. I mean, what are the odds that two siblings pass away from AIDS, one dies from other causes and two sisters have breast cancer? My sister beat it with grace and beauty and so will I. But, really? We are like the poor Kennedys: if you have to deal with this much crap in one family, you should at least have your own yacht.

My theory is that in a past life we were the Genghis Khans and now it is payback time. All that pillaging, raping, and beheading really takes its toll. The lessons in grief and mourning have been intense, to put it mildly. But, we are a hardy lot. Probably the Corsican blood on my dad's side of the family. Coupled with the Scottish McNeill clan on my mom's side, this lifetime presents some hefty challenges.

A very wise woman, who is an artist and astrologer, shared a beautiful perspective with me. I do believe the loss I've experienced with my family has made me stronger and more empathetic and better equipped to help others. And, since today is my one year anniversary of exiting corporate America to teach yoga and Pilates full-time, I sure hope that I am!! I do feel that I am on my true path to heal and help.

Victoria's verbatim advice: "You just have some big Life Long Lessons, like the rest of us, and you are working to balance them out. And you will. Sometime the "healer" type people, like you, have to become the "wounded healer" for a time, until some kind of energy transmutation takes place. If this is part of some kind of shamanic journey, then so be it, let's just get it over with fast so you can heal and get on with the business of living a beautiful life and helping others. I know that is your destiny.

I like it. Although, I did think that the 2007 car accident resulting in artificial disc replacement in my neck was plenty of wounding, I guess I needed a little more?

By the way, I am posting photos each time where I feel that my endangered body part in question looks marvelous. Sorry if it is cheesy. I don't care. Gratuitous boob shots.

My Latest Journey: Finding the Silver Lining in my diagnosis of breast cancer

DAY 13
Welcome to my first entry about the latest trial and tribulation in the life of Claire Petretti. I hope that by blogging my journey with this disease that I will help not only myself, but also others. I’ve got no clue if that is possible but, it is worth a shot. My intent is to try to find the silver lining. At present, the outlook appears dark.

On January 2nd, while putting lotion on after taking a shower, I found a lump in my breast. It felt like someone had inserted a marble under my skin. An alien marble. An interloper. It felt absolutely wrong. Immediately, I knew that it was serious.

Sunday crawled at a snail’s pace.

After today’s entry, I will go back and fill in the first 12 days. I've been waking up at 1 or 2am and writing because I can't sleep. I especially need to share Diagnosis Day: via phone 10 minutes prior to teaching my 8:30am yoga class.

Today’s MRI was my least favorite, well, oops, my second least favorite test of the last few weeks. The needle biopsy last week was terrible and I have the black and yellow bruises to prove it. Today, however, I was dreading the discordant cacophony emanating inside the MRI chamber. Gunfire, jackhammer, 1980s speed-metal, take your pick. When I had an MRI of my neck a few years ago, I was convinced that my brain was being drained by the alien sounding noise. Think Matrix. Stealing your brain through the ear.

So, I was prepared for that. Not happy but, nevertheless prepared. Being subjected to this seemingly endless myriad of tests makes me feel like a science experiment. Or, that I've been captured by the above-referenced aliens and they are testing me to see if they'll just dissect me for parts or if I may be worthy for breeding little half-aliens. As you can tell, the MRI’s deafening coffin-like interior is not designed for those with a vivid imagination.

My fun began with an IV being inserted into my arm for the purpose of injecting dye into my system. Apparently, that is how things show up on the MRI. Nobody told me about the IV. I hate needles. In the past, nurses would laugh at me because I had to lie down anytime I gave blood or I would faint. It would have been nice to receive a warning about the ink injection.

As I am not blessed with a poker face, I could not pretend like I didn’t mind. It hurt. It grossed me out. And, again, it made me feel like a specimen. But, the fun was yet to come. For a breast MRI, you open up your robe and lay with your boobs hanging down into two slots and your face smushed into a massage table head rest. Let me tell you, this failed to resemble any massage I've ever had.

Picture me face down with tennis shoes and socks peeking out from the robe. Arms stretched overhead with the IV protruding out. To complete my ensemble, the technician stuffed a pair of giant headphones from the 80s onto my head to provide music. Where is a good photographer when you need one? I'm determined to find that silver lining each step of the way. The best I can do here is appreciate that the first song was Somewhere Around Midnight, one of my favorites. Unfortunately, it couldn't drown out the horrible brain-sucking sounds of the MRI machine.

Test ended. IV removed. OUCH. Red tape wrapped around my bandaged arm.

Since my diagnosis, everyone tells me to avoid sugar. That it causes cancer cells to multiply, that it is the breeding ground for everything from the devil to yes, cancer. And, I've been good so far.

Distraught after this fourth test in less than a week, I proceeded directly to the closest bakery. Sporting a large welt across my forehead from the machine, I must have looked more forlorn and pathetic than I realized because the bakery lady allowed me to not only select my cinnamon roll, she warmed it up and added extra frosting. Said cinnamon roll was approximately the size of my head. My head is large. Size Large hat large. It was the perfect fuel for teaching my 10:35 am yoga class at Frogs Encinitas. I won't have any sugar tomorrow, promise. I don't want to get cancer or anything.

Okay, I'm going to read now. Something unrelated to this disease. Tomorrow I'll return to fill in all the details from the doctor's exam, the mammogram, the ultrasound, and the biopsy the same day, the combination of which culminated in me chugging a Mike's Hard Lemonade. From a quart bottle. Housed in a brown paper bag.

An overwhelming thank you to everyone in my life for the generous outpouring of love and support. I am amazed, humbled and blessed to have such a powerful circle around me and I need and love each and every one of you.

Welcome Twenty-Ten

It has been a while since I've written here and I need to reverse that trend, starting now! Those who know me know that I usually never have a lapse of commentary or just talking in general. And, I love to write. I'm not quite sure what has held me back writing every few days on my blog. Perhaps I felt that I had to have a "message" each time I wrote and that was a little too much pressure.

2009 was quite a year. I sat down and wrote out a monthly list of all the changes, accomplishments and cool events. Whew!! I love to have lots going on but, even for me, it was non-stop. I quit my corporate job forever on January 16, 2009! Thanks to all who celebrated that event with me. It has been a wild ride, with my focus shifting 100% to wellness.

I began working with www.active.com and their amazing group of ActiveX employees who motivate me with their dedication to fitness. I love teaching yoga there! Another goal was to start publishing articles on fitness and wellness and I'm happy to report that I published 6 articles on www.active.com about Yoga for Athletes. I'm looking forward to writing more articles and parlaying the experience to the national magazine level.

I moved in with my boyfriend in May and this was a huge deal for me. I've lived alone for a long time and I had to learn how to share my space all over again. Life is good.....his love and support give me strength and happiness.

Pilates has become a bigger part of my wellness career and I love it. Fusing yoga and pilates in a unique way is part of my long-term plan.

On a health note, this was Year One after my neck disc-replacement surgery. For the most part, I've felt fantastic but, I overdid it a few times and suffered from setbacks. I'm trying hard to follow my advice to others about taking it slow. It has been quite a learning experience trying to be patient with my limitations. I will be healthy and regain strength in 2010!

Another long term goal that I achieved was to be selected as a Lululemon Ambassador for the Carlsbad Lululemon. I'm so excited to be able to work more closely with them to spread the message of wellness in our community.

2010 is going to be filled harvesting all the plants sown in 2009. I am so excited to live each day to the fullest and really begin reaching a broader audience.

Thank you to all of my family and friends who made 2009 a beautiful year. I am grateful and humbled by the love and support.