Keeping it together...

I started reading an interesting book called, Close to the Bone, Life-Threatening Illness as a Soul Journey, by Jean Shinoda Bolen. My sister shared it with me because it helped her cope with her own experience with breast cancer five years ago. Bolen employs several myths to illustrate how cancer affects us. In particular, she discusses the myth of Persephone from Greek mythology:

..a biopsy reveals cancer, through whatever means we learn of a life-threatening illness, the effect is the same: Persephone--the assumption of youth and health, the assumption of safety and immunity from disease and death--has been violated and taken into the underworld......Illness as a descent of the soul into the underworld is a metaphor that brings to the intuitive mind and knowing heart a depth of understanding that cannot be grasped consciously otherwise...p. 15, Close to the Bone.

I've only begun the book but, her premise that the body cannot be separated from the soul resonates deeply.

Today is one of those days where I am doing everything in my power to maintain a positive attitude and still feel off. Why won't my darned brain comply with my wishes? Why are my mind and body not syncing?

I love lists. I love checking things off lists. Here goes: Things I did on Tuesday to feel better:

Taught yoga at Frogs. Check.
Walk at lagoon, listening to Guns n'Roses. Check.
Practiced yoga at home. Check.
Cuddled with the cats. Check.
Touched base with friends. Check.

Why don't I feel better? I feel tired and melancholy. My body does not feel like my own right now. It is bloated and puffy, as if somebody inflated me with a bicycle pump. No fair: if I am bald, I at least get to feel skinny all the time, right?

Onto the positive column: I am picking up one of my oldest and dearest friends from the airport tonight after I teach my 6:30pm yoga class. Kim is coming in from Atlanta to be my sidekick through Round 4. I am really excited to see her and catch up. We've had a wide variety of experiences together, like when we were in Marbella and Paris in 2001 or in Barbados for Law School-summer school in 1991, or tubing down the Chatahoochie River with the Morins in Atlanta in 1997 or was that 1998?

I am so grateful that she is coming out to experience one of the less fun times with me. Just as Megan was a pillar of support for me during Rounds 2 & 3, Kim will be too. And, I'm glad to give Todd and all my "local" friends a little breather in this seemingly never-ending saga. Despite my best efforts, I am dreading this next round of chemotherapy.

Joy, joy, happy, happy. Repeat 100 times....

Begone ye evil toxins.....

I've had eight appointments in two weeks, not including my beauty treatments to counteract the stress. I’ve donned a staggering assortment of gowns, some open in front, some open in back, none in the least flattering. There were also a few capes, which look like a poncho but, only mid-arm length. Again, not my best look. Or, anyone's for that matter. My appointment and gown on Thursday were a little different for me: I felt the need to purge so, I got a colonic. So, obviously, this one opened in the back.

I’ve been feeling that I've been poisoned slowly over the years, that toxins have been infiltrating my body. Years of birth control pills, that last keg party at University of Virginia, did I really need that jello shot? the occasional In-n-Out burger, non-organic vegetables, Reese’s peanut butter cups, who knows? You could drive yourself insane trying to think back to what you've done to create this cancer. And, the bottom line is that I've taken darned good care of myself and it isn't my fault. I am not going to accept fault that something I've done in this life caused this cancer.

Neala, my magical facialist, had an excellent observation: perhaps the lump is years of stress: 3 sibling deaths, my mother leaving when I was 14 years old, my sister's breast cancer, 6 figure law school loans, divorce, drama, 5 career changes(okay 10), car accident and resultant neck surgery....the list goes on. My life has been so wonderful the last few years with a great relationship and finding my true path career-wise, I thought I was onto the easy half of my life. And, I will be soon. But, I digress.

Back to the colonic. I promise not to go into great detail. I've never been drawn to have a colonic or cleanse from that direction but, the feeling of toxicity I've had is giving me an almost manic urge to purge. All the veggies I've consumed the last few weeks have helped.

I can't rip out the lump quite yet but, I sure can do this. I was scared but, Lacey at Living Waters in Carlsbad was amazing and I felt safe. Her knowledge of the digestive system was astounding and it made perfect sense. While I did not love the procedure, I love how I felt afterwards. Sort of like going in for a tune-up.

And, I think that while I go through radiation treatment, I'd like to come weekly and feel like my liver and gall bladder and everything else inside me is shedding the poison as fast as I am filled with it. Whether it is actually achieving that result or not, I feel like it is and that is half the battle, right? And, silver lining: my stomach feels really flat. Is it bad to enjoy that?

The weeks flurry of tests and appointments culminated in Todd surprising me with a fantastic dinner at Arterra in Del Mar. Romantic and yummy. And, yes, I ordered a salad to start and sea bass with more veggies. Again, feeling virtuous.

Today should be the day that we set the surgery date. I will feel more in control knowing that the plan is in motion.