Musings on the ending of 2010

For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.
-- T.S. Eliot

As 2010 draws to a conclusion, I must admit that I feel a great deal of pressure to create a few pithy blog entries. Lovely passages that sum up this rollercoaster of a year. Lovely passages thanking all the beautiful people in my life without whom I wouldn't have survived. Lovely passages reflecting in a nice, neat manner all that I am thankful for. Lovely passages listing out all that I have learned. Lovely passages wrapping up this year-long journey in a beautifully wrapped bow.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

Instead, I have to say that December has been scattered, at best. Talk about changes. Endings. Beginnings. I haven't sat down and truly reflected on everything that transpired this year, both cancer and non-cancer related. Or, is everything somehow cancer related because the bulk of my time was spent fighting it?

Last December, I had a reading from a Psychic/Tarot reader who told me that I would receive all I wanted in this lifetime: love, success in my chosen endeavors, passion, security but, at a price. She said that my life was tinged with bittersweet and as long as I could accept the bitter with the sweet, I would be fine. So, in reviewing 2010, let's see if that holds up.

It is so true that you should never give up hope because you never know what is just around the corner. Who could have predicted on January 1st where I would be today? Or, on January 12th, when I was formally diagnosed with cancer?

One of my dreams is to become a successful author: I now have a full manuscript and am in the process of submitting it for publication. What was the price? Cancer. It may take me a while to get it published but, I've proven to myself that I can write daily and be disciplined. Finishing my romance novel is next.

I have grown closer to some amazing people and am thrilled at the richness and depth of the burgeoning relationships. What was the price? Letting go of other relationships that did not withstand the cancer. I know that people often come into your life for a period of time and then move on and that is okay. I am still very sad at some of the losses but, am choosing to accept and let go. My family and true friends have been amazing and I am not yet able to articulate all I am feeling in that regard.

Todd stood by me throughout this most challenging of years and really showed me how real our love is. We are enjoying re-establishing the new normal. I don't know how you ever really thank someone for all the love and selfless devotion it takes to be the partner of someone in treatment for cancer. I guess by healing and moving on? Or, a Rolex?

I just cannot believe that it has been almost a year. Wow. I am not going to say that I am a better person for having cancer because I don't think that I am. It has definitely changed my path and deepened my purpose in helping and healing. But, at the end of the day, I am the same Claire who loves the people in her life, the same Claire that is the little old cat lady in training, the same Claire who loves teaching, the same Claire who likes to rock out to Guns N Roses, the same Claire who yells at all the incompetent drivers, the same Claire that loves bread, cheese, wine and chocolate.

Same old Claire: now if the hair would just grow faster!

Insomnia, insomnia, go away!

It is 1am Sunday night and I cannot fall back asleep. When will the insomnia stop plaguing me? I fell asleep normally but, woke up about 45 minutes ago and sleep eludes me. Instead of suffering in bed, tossing and turning, I'll write.

Why am I awake? Let's see: my lymphedema seems to be acting up a little bit and the giant oven-mitt night sleeve feels extremely tight and constricting. When I removed it to type on the computer, the grooves on my arm are deep. In fact, this sleeve has woken me up numerous nights simply from the discomfort. I guess that means it is working?

Next, the hot flashes are hitting me hard again. I think it is time to see Lois again for some acupuncture. The last round must have worn off or something! As I write, my face feels flushed with heat.

And, tomorrow or should I say today, I've got my first MRI check-up post-treatment. We did the mammogram a few weeks back and they said it looked clear. Well, last September my mammogram was normal and I found the tumor four months later. Not exactly reassuring.

In February, the MRI was one of a myriad of tests that really sucked. Really horrible. They put an IV in my arm with dye and it is painful. Then, they have you lay down in a machine with your boobs in slots as the jackhammering of the machine blots out the rest of the world.

I am not looking forward to it. At all.

So, I guess the combination of these three things is keeping my brain active despite the tiredness of my mind and body.

Life continues to fly at a pace that I can barely keep up with. There is just so much to do! All positive! I continue to remind myself to breathe. Pause and breathe.

Between preparing the syllabus and course outline for the Spring semester at MiraCosta, arranging and attending meetings for the upcoming Yoga for Hope event, www.yogaforhope.org/sd, sending out query letters to agents for my proposed book, being interviewed for Vision Magazine, setting up a meeting with a videographer to discuss filming a DVD for Yoga for Cancer Recovery, preparing for Christmas, and continuing to build my yoga practice and physical activity back up to pre-cancer levels and oh yes, teaching, I'm riding the magic carpet ride!

Micaela and Todd from EpicPhotoJournalism took some amazing photos of me for the Yoga for Hope event, including the one in this post. A symbol of rebirth and healing.

I am looking forward to a lull in the activity to sit and reflect on all the changes for 2010. Some powerful transitions and transformations this year. I feel blessed to be feeling as good as I feel and to have so many amazing people in my life.

An Emotional Week....in a good way

Throughout my treatment, one of my persistent themes seemed to be that I felt stagnant, that life was passing me by, that everyone and everything else was moving forward and I was stuck in cancer treatment limbo.

Well, that phase is most definitely over.

Now, I'm holding on tight as life is speeding along at an incredible rate. The blessings, the gifts, the amazing people that I am meeting, the joy that I am feeling is slightly overwhelming. All in a good way but, wow!

I am really excited about the new job at MiraCosta College starting next month. My hefty HR packet arrived, which makes it all seem very official. I'll be working with an awesome group of people, getting paid to do what I love. I've missed being an active part of a yoga teacher training program and am really looking forward to it. Time to dive deep!

And, I've been blogging less because I've been focused on crafting a query letter to find a literary agent. I'm adapting the blog into a book. Based on all of the feedback that I have received, I believe that I can really help others with my story. So, I've been researching agents and starting the process of getting published. Fingers crossed!

This week has been very emotional. World AIDS Day struck me quite hard as I paused to remember my brother Paul, who died at age 27 and my brother Andre who died at age 34 from this disease. It has been 20-plus years now and still feels like yesterday. I guess you never really get over that type of loss, do you? Tragic. Everything seems to be striking me strongly and that is okay. I've cried more in the last few weeks then I have in the last six months. I guess it is time to release.

On that note, my friend Tracy took me to the most magical, fabulous yoga class ever. We went to the Yinki class at Soul of Yoga on Thursday night. We were in Pigeon for six minutes on each side and the teacher was also performing Reiki healing. I've been battling a hip-flexor issue in my right hip forever. And, after that class, I feel like I've been healed. It is nothing short of miraculous. I'm so excited at this discovery!!

My body finally is starting to feel like MY body again. I took some great classes this week and some shifts are occurring. Finally. Patience is not my greatest virtue (ahem) and it has been a challenge this year to contend with all the delays in returning to a regular yoga and Pilates practice. I feel that I've crossed the line into truly feeling at home in my body again. Unifying the physical with the emotional and mental. At last.

On a comical note, I learned that my body is on the www.lululemon.com website! They used some of my ambassador photos. If you go to the site, there I am under Jackets and Pants. What is the funny part? My head is cut off. I don't know whether I should feel offended or flattered? I think I'll just stick with amused.

Gratitude

My oh my, the blog entries have been few and far between this month! I guess now that I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I've not been as diligent in committing words to paper. I'm not even sure where to begin.

Thanksgiving in Virginia was lovely. Before flying home, I was apprehensive about the trip. I hadn't seen any family and friends since going through treatment and part of me didn't feel up to talking about treatment, didn't feel like explaining my punk rock hairdo. Of course, being with my family felt very positive and I was happy to see everyone's relief at me looking healthy. After a few glasses of wine, everyone was telling me that I should keep my hair short because I looked like a model. Keep on drinking people! It isn't terrible but, it just doesn't feel like me. Let's just say I am continuing to grow it as fast as I can!

The most exciting news is that I received confirmation that my new part-time professional endeavor will start in January. I've been hired as an assistant professor at MiraCosta College in Cardiff. What will I be teaching you ask? I'll be teaching in the Kinesiology/Health Department for the Yoga Certification program. I've always enjoyed teacher training and this will be an awesome venue. I cannot wait! This will round out my schedule very nicely.

My strength and flexibility continues to grow each day. I'm consistently practicing yoga and with each class I am able to do more and more of the vinyasa flow that I love. One of these days I anticipate feeling completely at home in my body again. I'm definitely receiving daily lessons in patience, acceptance and humility.

Life is good.

Yoga to the rescue!

Today, I was reminded once again of the power of practice. I attended a lovely vinyasa class and felt so calm and peaceful afterwards. It just feels so darned good to be able to practice the style of yoga that I love again. What a gift. Stepping onto the mat feeling off and exiting it feeling on. I swear it feels like a recalibration from the inside out. Wake up, yoga, rest, repeat.

I also saw Lois, my fabulous acupuncturist, to discuss using acupuncture and TCM, traditional chinese medicine, to deal with the hot flashes and the head. I feel very confident in her skills and the strength of natural remedies. Check out her blog: www.acupunctureactually.wordpress.com

The alternative isn't viable. Trust me.

There is an excellent reason that I didn't blog yesterday. My pupils were enormous, chills traveled up and down my spine and arms, my reaction time was a half-beat behind everyone elses and I just felt weird. Driving felt like I was a player in a video game. Why? I succumbed in a moment of desperation to effexor on Tuesday and Wednesday. Let's just say that it didn't sit well with my system. Medicine affects me strongly and although this was a very low dose, it made me totally crazy. I'd rather break into spontaneous sweat-fests several times a day then feel that way for an hour. And deal with waking up feeling melancholy.

I'll just remind myself that as soon as I wake up and start my day that I will feel just fine. Life is beautiful and precious and every single minute counts. Nobody knows how long we've got on this earth and I'm going to enjoy my time, sweaty or not.

Decisions, decisions....

San Francisco was lovely. Spending quality time with Megan and her mom, Judy felt like visiting home. I believe that members of your true family are not always related through blood and we are indeed family.

Despite enjoying myself, a few nagging side-effects marred my time in San Francisco and have been weighing on me in recent weeks. This Tamoxifen. I'm into my fourth month on the drug that I believed wasn't affecting me too badly, except for the hot flashes. I thought they were dissipating but, actually, they are not. One second I'm comfortable, the next I am sweating like a hooker in church. How bad is that cliche? Hee hee.

In addition to the pesky twenty degree internal thermometer swings, I've continued to feel heavy, almost leaden when I wake up in the morning. Instead of springing out of bed ready to embrace the day, I have to very consciously psyche myself up. Once the day is in full-swing, however, I feel engaged in whatever I am doing.

From what I understand, this is a chemical reaction from the tamoxifen and perhaps some leftover effects from chemo and radiation. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I'm happy. Darn it. Seriously, everything is going very well for me. I've gone on several great trips, I am living and loving the present, my days are filled with loving caring people, I've got exciting plans for the immediate future in both the work and play arenas. In other words, there is no reason for me to feel depressed.

I consulted with the YSC group to see if others have felt this way. Oh yes. I have not lost that last marble! Reports of hot flashes, mood swings, depression, anger, weight gain, insomnia across the board. It is comforting to know I am not alone!

So, again we come to the debate of quality of life vs. staying on the medication. Kind of where I was when I wanted to stop after four rounds of chemotherapy. Well, one woman's story has convinced me to stay on the tamoxifen. She chose to stop it and four years later, the cancer returned, metastasizing in her bones and liver. They are actually now treating her, ironically, with the tamoxifen and it is working.

So, I guess I'll continue to be a sweaty dark beast for the next four years, eight months.

When I consulted my doctor, she prescribed Effexor because she says it will help with the hot flashes and the heavy head. More pills. I'm leery of introducing another drug into my system. I really don't want to take anything. But, I am tempted to try it for a few weeks and see if it helps. I'm also exploring the herb/acupuncture route. I'm increasing my yoga and exercise each day. It all has to help, right?

Just the other day, we were laughing at some of the pharmaceutical commercials on television. Idyllic scenes, depicting couples and puppies frolicking in fields filled with butterflies lounging on plump flowers with a soothing voiceover reading side-effects like those listed below.

The Effexor side effects:

THE GOOD: Headache, drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, weakness, dry mouth, constipation, loss of appetite, weight loss (the only two positives in the lot), blurred vision, tiredness, nervousness, trouble sleeping, sweating, yawning. May increase blood pressure.....

THE BAD: Call your doctor if:
severe pounding headache, unusual or severe mental/mood changes, shakiness, decreased interest in sex, changes in sexual ability, difficulty urinating....stomach/abdominal pain, chest pain, persistent cough, shortness of breath, bloody/black/tarry stools, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, easy bruising/bleeding, fast/irregular pounding heartbeat, muscle weakness/cramps, yellowing eyes/skin, dark urine, seizures, unusual tiredness....

THE UGLY: If that isn't enough for you, you may get "Serotonin Syndrome": hallucinations, fainting, restlessness, loss of coordination, severe dizziness, unexplained fever, nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, twitchy muscles. Men may get a 4 hour erection. Really.

Decisions, decisions.

Patchwork Petretti

What a week! I'm winding down from running all over town for meetings, talks, walks and teaching gigs. Time to breathe and allow my nervous system to settle down. I'm heading up to San Francisco tomorrow to spend time with my BFF Megan and her amazing, wonderful mom Judy. I'm so excited.

The Complementary Care for Cancer event put on by the YSC went well. I was a little nervous but, it turned out fine. Speaking about yoga during cancer treatment and recovery should be a no-brainer but, I still cannot say, "I was diagnosed January 12th 2010" without my voice breaking. Practice, right? Hopefully by the time that I speak in front of the 500-1000 people at Yoga for Hope on March 5th, I will be able to do so without blubbering.

The Yoga for Hope webpage is up and ready for people to register and donate. I've got a team: Ocean Soul Yoga and would love for you to join me. www.yogaforhope.org/sd. Please check it out!

So, my gimpiness is slowly healing. My right hip flexor and hip were so out of joint that my right leg actually measured 3/4 inch shorter than the left! Can you say gimpy? Thanks to the brilliant Dan Selstead and ART therapy, I'm on the mend. I'm thrilled that I could practice yoga yesterday with few modifications. Seriously, all I want to do is walk several days a week, practice yoga 4 times a week and do pilates or Pure Barre 2-3 times. Nothing crazy.

Actually, it was quite amusing: a new pilates client of mine and I were discussing injuries and I was commiserating. Knee: yes, I had knee surgery back in June 2007. Back issues: yes, I've got herniations and bone spurs and arthritis at L4-L5. Neck issues: Oh yes, I was in a car accident and had neck surgery and now have an artificial disc at C5-6. All of these issues of course in addition to the cancer and the lymphedema sleeve. She looked at me and said, "You are a mess!" I guess that is one way to look at it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a little boat. I patch up one leak and then another one sprouts open. Is this what getting older feels like? I feel like I'm hobbling around with the sore hip flexor, the lymphedema sleeve, the crazy hair, the inability to go into the heated room because of radiation side-effects. High-maintenance much?

Despite all my physical issues, I am plugging along. Nobody will stop Patchwork Petretti. My brain and my spirit want to go, go, go and this darned body is coming along, whatever it takes!

Tomorrow: yoga in the morning and then off to San Fran to spend time with two of my favorite people in the world. Life is good.

"C" is for....

Clear!

Today I went in for my first mammogram post-cancer treatment. The radiologist said that everything looked good. I have an MRI next month, which generally shows more.

Oops, and I just realized that I still had a sticker on my boob, where they mark the incision. Just peeled off a pink sticker with a strawberry pattern on it. Interesting.

So, the head of radiology, who is actually the woman who gave me two of the most painful experiences: biopsy and shooting in a radioactive isotope pre-surgery, came in to say hello. Her first comment was, "didn't you have much longer hair before?"

Um, yes.

I don't think I need to elaborate any more on that.

I was discussing with someone today whether I was considered "cancer-free" and my answer was "I guess so." Basically, the oncologists just say that they assume the chemotherapy and radiation worked based upon the statistics. You know what they say about assumptions, right? But, I guess I will just begin answering with an emphatic YES that I am cancer-free until someone tells me otherwise. Think positive right?

Oreo, my cat who was diagnosed with cancer in April, just climbed on my lap. He was given just months to live and he is still doing pretty well. He had to get a steroid injection on Monday and wasn't too pleased about it. But, they seem to prevent him from throwing up his dinner, which is a good thing. I'm glad that he is hanging on!

Tonight I am talking on the role that yoga plays in complementary care for cancer. The Young Survival Coalition is putting on the event that also features Christa Orecchio on nutrition and Mark Skalr on acupuncture. I'm convinced that the combination of these three protocols played a huge role in me maintaining the amount of strength and oomph that I did. Is oomph a word?

So, perhaps I should review my notes for the talk one more time....

Fall back and walking the Race for the Cure

Fall back: it is a bit disconcerting that this weekend symbolizes the beginning of Fall, after our sun-drenched, 90 degree week. Summer in November! I love this time of year. Autumn symbolizes a time of renewal and rebirth, a time to shed the old and make room for the fresh and new. Participating in the Race for the Cure this morning seemed timely.

After sharing an excellent dinner with April and Matthew at Market last night, we made sure to turn the clocks back an hour. This was vital because we had to leave the house by 6am to meet up with the Young Survival Coalition group.

It didn't really matter because I was rudely awakened at 3am by a dream that I was being roasted on a spit over an open campfire. Like a marshmallow. Or a weenie. Not exactly, instead, when I awoke, I was drenched in sweat from these da**ed night sweat/hot flashes. Seriously, I am really over this. When will they cease? It is the most bizarre feeling because all of a sudden the back of your neck sizzles and poof, you are cooking from the inside out. Talk about generating tapas.

Anyway, Todd and I joined up with the YSC and close to 20,000 people who walked or ran in the Race for the Cure 5k. This is the first time I've ever received a medal for a race! Who cares if it was at a leisurely stroll, surrounded by groups of walkers with names like "Tits and Giggles", "Save Second Base", and the "Boobie Brigade?" I sported a YSC banner that proclaimed me a Young Survivor, with my diagnosis date and age on the back. Todd wore a bib that stated he was celebrating me and my sister Yael.

Prior to participating in the race today, I was feeling rather apprehensive. Would this be uplifting? would it be upsetting? would I cry? or would I just be slightly hungover from one too many glasses of wine at dinner and four hours of sleep?

I'd say that this event proved to be amazing and overwhelming all at once. What seemed the most poignant to me were the countless groups walking in memory of a loved one. T-shirts with pictures of moms, sisters, grandmothers, friends abounded. And, made me realize yet again that I am one of the lucky ones who officially beat cancer. With all of this positive energy, how can a cure not be imminent?

Next up this week? An interview with City of Hope tomorrow, a talk at a YSC event, Complementary Care for Cancer regarding yoga's role in recovery and then off to San Francisco to visit my BFF Megan and the world's greatest mom, Judy!

Not bad for the beginning of Fall.

Yoga for Cancer Recovery: new day and new location!

This class is open to anyone who is currently going through cancer treatment, who has completed treatment or is a co-survivor or caretaker of someone living with cancer. My intent is to create a safe community where we can come together with our shared bond and just feel better. As a breast cancer survivor, I can attest to how much yoga helped me.

Classes will now be held a beautiful, peaceful studio in Carlsbad/La Costa.

Location: PureBarre La Costa, 7720 El Camino Real, Suite E, Carlsbad, CA 92009

Day/Time: 10:30am on Thursdays starting in December.

Benefits of Yoga:

•Learn to handle the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation

•Experience healing techniques for the mind, body and spirit

•Boost energy, improve mood, learn relaxation and breath techniques to combat fatigue, stress, and pain

•Restore flexibility, strength, range of motion, enhance lymphatic flow, digestion and circulation

Classes are donation-based. What does this mean exactly? It means that each week, you pay what you can. The suggested donation is $5-15. But, if you can't make a donation, that is fine. I understand the financial difficulties associated with this journey.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to call me or email me at claire@oceansoulyoga.com.

Please bring your own yoga mat.

Makers Mark and Money

So, I've not been too regular on the blog since my return from Australia. I'd wrestled with stopping it once I set foot on the plane but, several people told me that they'd like to continue hearing my escapades as I re-enter "normal" life. Or, should I say the "new normal?" Resuming regular life is part of this journey.

To be honest, I've been struggling a bit this week. Despite being blessed with some really awesome new opportunities, despite being done with treatment, despite the love and friendship, even despite the fast pace of my hair growth, each morning when I've woken up, I've felt rough. Part of the problem is that the hot flashes have been coming hotter and flashier. We are having summer in San Diego, 90 degrees today!, and my inner thermostat has officially gone haywire. I think I'm not recovered from radiation yet and my body just needs more time before I can get hot like I did Friday night. The flashes are constantly waking me up and I am exhausted.

I did, however, obviously get some sleep last night because I had a bizarre, colorful dream. In my dream, I went to the CVS to pick up my refill of Tamoxifin, the drug that gives hot flashes, and the pharmacist told me that they had a substitute for the Tamoxifin. Mind you, this is the same pharmacist I've seen way too much at Solana Beach CVS this year. I say, "Sure" because I just don't care. I've wrestled with the Tamoxifin-5-year-sentence, even skipping it for a few days here and there. What a rebel: ha!

This is where it gets funny. She then informs me that the replacement for Tamoxifin is 50 cases of Makers Mark. For those of you, like me, who don't know what Makers Mark is: it is "Straight Kentucky Bourbon." I had to google it. I am not a bourbon drinker. I'm not a liquor drinker for that matter.

Nonetheless, I acquiesce and she calls one of the assistants to help her. The next thing I know, they are stuffing bottles of Makers Mark and stacks of $100 and $50 bills into big black duffel bags and dumping them into my shopping cart. The pharmacist has to send the assistant to get another cart because 50 cases is a lot of liquor! I'm curious to know what this all means? Perhaps they want me to just get drunk and go shopping so I won't worry about a cancer recurrence?

I am fighting to feel good day by day. Teaching, walking, spending time with friends, focusing on all the gifts that I have in my life. Sometimes I just wonder why you don't just wake up feeling great every day. I wonder if it is always a process, a shift to focus on the positive, a choice of how you are going to spend your day and your life. Living in the present isn't always easy but, it is the only way for me to stay sane.

Maybe if I hadn't had all that Makers Mark last night, I would have sprung out of bed feeling like a million bucks!

Festivities, Hot Flashes and surprises

I'm feeling filled with gratitude this weekend. Friends, fun and festivities.

Friday night I led a yoga class at Sculpt Fusion Yoga for Breast Cancer Awareness month. Donations went to the Young Survival Coalition, a group where I've found a great deal of support with other young women hit by cancer.

All week, I alternated between feeling excited to teach and nostalgic for the days when I could teach there without a concern. I hadn't been to SFY in months. I used to teach classes at SFY five times a week but, due to the chemo/radiation/lymphedema, my body betrayed me each time I stepped into the heated room. Either I'd feel dizzy and nauseous or the lymphedema flared up and my hand and arm would start swelling up again.

It was a great night and wonderful to see old faces. I really miss the community. I did have a big of a heat hangover afterwards. The class was supposed to be non-heated, however, an earlier class ended only fifteen minutes prior and the heat just didn't dissipate. So, everyone got a lot sweatier than anticipated and I ended up having a Hot-Flash kinda-night.

Apparently, it takes about three months for your body to get rid of the effects of the radiation. It makes sense I guess: 36 rounds of daily radiation is bound to leave some after-effects. So, part of the radiation legacy is that your internal body temperature clock doesn't work. No sleep for me. I was burning up and sweating and tossing and turning all night long. Clothes, lymphedema sleeve and even a cat or two went flying in the dark.

So, that cleared up any ambiguity regarding whether I was ready to practice or teach in the heat, even moderate. No need to hurry it. I'll try again. December 15th is the three month mark. Not unexpected but, nonetheless disappointing.

Two parties on Saturday! First stop was Lori's baby shower. She is going to be the best baby mama to little Natalie. And, Natalie is going to be a very well-dressed little girl! It was really nice to share in the celebration of new life with a lovely group of women.

Next, the fun began at 5pm at Party City where Todd and I and every other Halloween procrastinator battled over masks and costumes. We emerged unscathed with a couple of ornate masks, ready for a glass of wine and a surprise birthday party for Dino. At Blanca, everyone donned masks and let's just say that the birthday boy was suprised! Friends and family traveled from as far as Canada to share in the celebration.

A great reminder that you just never know what surprises are around the corner, right?

Whirlwind Week!

Wow, what a whirlwind since I last wrote. An amazing career opportunity dropped into my lap and I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off to prepare all the submission requirements. It is a part-time gig and would fit in perfectly with everything else in my life. Fingers crossed!

Here's a hint: I had to order transcripts. Yes, college and law school transcripts. Really. And, of course, law schools being what they are, they won't allow you to order your transcript online. So, I had to drive up to USD Law School and walk in to the Registrar's office. Can I tell you what an out-of-body experience it was to step into Warren Hall? Flashbacks flowed fast and hard. I didn't run out of there but, I'd say it was a fast trot back to my car and off of that campus.

USD's campus is beautiful. I'm glad to see that my still-unpaid law school loans are keeping the gardeners in business. And, I'm sure that I saw a new wing to one of the buildings that was personally funded by my six-figure contribution.

I've frequently discussed that I have taken a lot of risks in my short little life and really don't have any regrets. Except, I do think if I had the chance for a redo, I would skip law school. Yes, skip it I would.

I'm finally back home for a little while. It seems like we'd just gotten accustomed to being back after Australia and then we flew to Savannah on Friday for my dear friend Angie's wedding. The wedding was fantastic, Angie was a beautiful bride and Darin a proud and emotional groom. I'd say the whole experience rated as one of the most perfect weddings ever!

I'm grateful that we were able to go. Life is short, friends are dear and experiences are what matter most. And, Savannah has to be one of the most unique and beautiful cities I've ever seen. I tried two new foods: fried green tomatoes, which were yummy and boiled peanuts, which were decidedly not. Gross.

Tuesday night I attended the YSC Spa Night at SK Sanctuary in La Jolla. The evening is put on by YSC and included free massages and facials, h'ors d'oevres, fabulous goodie bags and an inspiring speaker: Stefanie LaRue. Stefanie was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer at age 30 and told that she had 9 months to live. That was 5 years ago. She personifies hope. I know that I felt uplifted and happy after the evening.

Now I've got to go prepare for a yoga class that I am teaching tomorrow night for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The class will be held at Sculpt Fusion Yoga at 5:30pm, with all donations to benefit YSC. I'm looking forward to it!

Saved by a fork....life is back to normal!

Life is returning to status quo. How do I know it?

What happened this afternoon wouldn't have happened while I was going through diagnosis and treatment. The Universe or God or whatever you choose to call the powers-that-be know that this escapade would have broken me just a few short months ago. Today, I wish I had it on film because it must've looked hysterical.

At approximately 11:50am, I exited the house to go teach my 12:15 yoga class at Frogs. I had everything I needed: new yoga mix loaded ipod, umbrella, and lunch in the form of quinoa salad from Seaside Market. I'd even brought a fork with me to eat said salad. I never bring silverware with me.

What was missing? Well, as the door clicked shut behind me, it struck me. I didn't have my keys. No car key. No house key. Oops. No spare key stored anywhere. Todd out of town until tomorrow night.

I was locked outside, in the rain mind you, with no way to get to class or to get back inside. Luckily, I did have my cell phone. "I'll just call the pet sitter," I thought. Well, Sally's phone just rang and rang, with no voicemail or answering machine picking up. Great.

The clock was ticking.

Next, I called Frogs and explained my embarrassing predicament to the resourceful Lori. Luckily, Franco, a yoga teacher was in the club and could step in for me at the last minute. I was free to focus on getting in.

Determined, I climbed up onto our balcony on the off chance that the sliding glass door might be unlocked. It wasn't. The cats stared at me from inside, completely baffled. I exited the slippery balcony as gracefully, ahem, as I had entered it. Next, I called Todd and he suggested I break into the dining room window, which is about 4-5 feet up from ground level. Wet, muddy, leaf-covered ground level.

In vain, I struggled with the wet, cob-web covered screen. No dice.

Returning to the front of the house, I contemplated the front door. Just me, the rain and the locked door. Wait! The fork rested on top of my pile of things on the front mat.

Then, my aha moment occurred. The fork! Prongs! The intractable screen!

I scurried back to the rear of the house. With a few sharp stabs, I'd ripped the screen apart. Next challenge: pop the stick we had in the window out so I could open it wide enough to climb inside. Completed on the third attempt.

Now that I had an opening, my next dilemma was how to get in? The window is too high for me to pull myself up. The table on the balcony called to me and so, I hoisted myself up again and picked up the table and dropped it over to the wet ground. With the added height from the table, I was able to drag myself through the window. I belly-flopped onto the floor. Success!

Just as I landed, Sally called, offering to come over with my key and let me in.

Imagine that.

Hair and Yoga

Rainy weekend. What is up with this weather in San Diego? It isn't supposed to rain in October. Ever! At least I don't have to worry about what will happen to my wig anymore! I am officially wearing my own hair: Version 2.0.

I've gotten comments from "it isn't too terrible, you can always get extensions, right?" to my personal favorite: "rocking a blonde Halle Barry." The truth, as usual, lies somewhere between these two extremes. It is just so freeing to not have to worry about what hat or hair I will don prior to leaving the house.

And, more importantly, the fact that my hair is now growing fast means that I am returning to health. As it was a symbol of my sickness when I was bald, it now is a clear indicator that I am on the road to recovery. Because I feel stronger each day, I have worked out for the last seven days in a row. The only reminder is the ever-present lymphedema sleeve. My goal is to build up the activity and hold steady, then start weaning off of wearing the sleeves 24/7. I can't wait.

Yesterday, I had a breakthrough at the wonderful Katie Brauer's yoga class. For the first time in several months, I was able to practice a full vinyasa flow class without modifications. A few walls were dropped and the tears flowed. I have been craving this type of movement to release the pent-up emotions stuck in my body. Finally! I cannot describe how it feels to start feeling connected in my mind, body and heart once again.

Grateful.
Ecstatic.
Sad.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place. What a shocker! It just feels strange to be returning to only some of my prior teaching. Much has shifted. I know that new doorways are opening but, perhaps this gloomy weather has instilled some melancholy in my soul. I guess that is to be expected. I need to keep reminding myself not to project too far into the future.

Day by beautiful day.

Movin, movin, movin....

Friday afternoon. Just returned from a great pilates session. My plan had been to make it to Pure Barre this morning but, I didn't get any sleep last night. I thought that the hot flashes were over but, last night I alternated being drenched in sweat and shivering from the chills. Tamoxifin side-effects. Please tell me that I will not be experiencing this for the next five years.

This week has been really busy and fulfilling. My goal was to exercise every day. A friend said that I must be really self-disciplined. Maybe. The reality is that I am so excited to feel healthy enough to work out, that I am eager to move daily. Now that I can go, I am thrilled to do so! Pure Barre, Pilates, two yoga sessions, and my first Zumba experience.

Ahhh, Zumba with the lovely April Buck leading a full class of enthusiastic Zumba-ers. Or, is it Zumba-ettes? I am happy to report that I didn't injure myself or anyone else in the class. It was so much fun! I realized a few important truths about myself:

1. I can still grapevine with the best of them,
2. I can also still step-ball-change,
3. I have absolutely no hip action! Everyone else was rocking and rolling their hips and there I was. The hip swivels need some work! I've got no game.

What stood out the most was how everyone was laughing and smiling as we danced all over the room. Again, I feel so grateful that I am done with treatment and could fully participate. For months I've been restricted in a million different ways. Not to preach but, if you are wavering on going to exercise, just do it. Because you can!

Journey back to a new reality

I think that I may finally be feeling like myself. What a transition!

So, I highly recommend that anyone completing treatment for any kind of cancer should hightail it out of town for a vacation afterwards. Somewhere that you will be present and engaged, without pesky distractions like hospital gowns. I'm still riding the high from our trip to Australia. The last nine months really seem like a faraway dream.

This week marks a return to a "regular" work schedule. I must admit that this is harder than I realized. First of all, it isn't viable for me to return to several of the classes and clients that I had to leave this year. I am mourning the communities at active.com and Sculpt Fusion Yoga, where I am no longer a regular fixture. The people have been fabulous and supportive and I want to be there in the capacity that I was pre-cancer but, it isn't looking like an option.

Many other doors have opened and are opening and for that, I am grateful and happy. I love starting fresh and having that excitement and anticipation of growth. Lord knows I've done it enough! And, knowing that I am not the same as I was in January when this all began means that I am not returning to my old life. Instead, I am launching into a new life, whether I am ready for it or not. Even if I did go back to my exact former schedule, too much has changed.

I'm still a little shocked when I catch my reflection in the mirror and see the champagne blonde cropped hair! Who is that tough, chic creature? Talk about changed. But, it is so freeing to leave the house without it even occurring to me to cover my head. Fabulous.

If I focus too much on what the future holds, I feel overwhelmed and not a little bit fearful. So, I remind myself to take it day by day and live in the present. My intent this week is to do that, no matter what. One of my daily intentions is to exercise for an hour each day, no matter what. I need to rebuild my physical strength and fortify my mental clarity and emotional calmness.

So far, two yoga classes and a hellish hour (seemed like ten) in Pure Barre on Monday. The two yoga classes have not alleviated the incredible soreness I am experiencing in my entire derriere yet. Ouch! I should be able to walk normally by Friday and plan on hitting Pure Barre again. Pure Barre La Costa is offering free classes to cancer survivors for the entire month of October. Generous and amazing.

Tomorrow I may make it to Zumba finally! Because now I can!

Back from Down Under: entry #1

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Back from what was an absolutely amazing, incredible, dare I say perfect, vacation? I'm not feeling like the brightest bulb at the moment because I'm still not adjusted to the time change. We left Sydney at 3pm on Sunday and arrived in Los Angeles at 10:30am the same day. Twilight Zone. My body doesn't know what to do. I wake up at 2am ravenous and then cannot keep the eyes open at noon. Hopefully, it will all work out by the weekend.

I plan on using the next few entries to discuss all the cool things we did in Oz. From seeing koalas and kangaroos on the side of the Great Ocean Road to the Marriage of Figaro at the Sydney Opera House to eating and drinking enough to keep a family of four satisfied to walking for hours without getting tired. For the most part, I was able to stay in the present moment and not worry or even consider anything happening back at home. It was so healing and I really do feel "back to normal."

But, my predominating blog theme of my hair did rear its ugly head on more than one occasion. Going through security at LAX wearing only a hat was tough because not one but, two security people asked me to remove my hat while squinting disbelievingly at my passport. I can't blame them because my hair was so short and my hairline so stark, with brown hair I looked like a cross between Eminem and a teletubby. Picture a drawn-on hair hat. Who knew I should've left it salt and pepper?

It isn't just that I hated feeling hideous but, that seeing that hair reminded me of the cancer. At least with a wig on, I looked more like myself.

Now, that issue is resolved because as of yesterday my hair is champagne blonde. A trainer at the gym told me that I look european. I think I look a bit like a newborn duck or chick but, I like it. A milestone day: I left the house without a wig or a hat and it felt so freeing!

After an overnight, 14 1/2 hour flight, we arrived in Sydney. The first few days, Todd and I stumbled around like a pair of drunken sailors. We were intent on staying up until at least 6pm that first day so we could adjust to the 17 hour time difference. We stayed in an area called the Rocks, which is an incredibly charming historical part of town, right on the harbor. We could see the iconic Sydney Opera House from our hotel room window. Although those first few days are blurry in my memory, I know that I loved Sydney!

Where else can you drink a bottle of wine entitle "Ladies Who Shoot Their Lunch"?

Maybe that is why those first few days were blurry?

Day after Completion: Gratitude

As I ran through my itinerary for today, I automatically thought, "drive to Scripps" and just as swiftly, I smiled because I don't have to enter that doorway again for a few months. Today, I had more important tasks like getting a manicure/pedicure and packing for Australia. No need for any more sauteeing of my right chest.

Yesterday I was literally flying on adrenaline all day. The excitement and realization that this nine month journey is over. I. am. finished. with. cancer. treatment. I've been through a lot in my relatively short lifetime, it has truly been a dramatic rollercoaster ride. But, I must say that this disease or crisis or shall I just call it cancer has been the most challenging experience ever. Maybe because it took so long to be over?

Next chapter: blissful, exotic, million miles away vacation. This trip will be such an opportunity to clear out the residue from treatment and a time for Todd and I to breathe after this incredibly difficult period.

I haven't really slept for four nights because I cannot turn off my brain. Flashes of faces keep passing in front of my eyes and I realize how many amazing people have blessed my life and supported and lifted me throughout this journey: Family, old friends, new friends, relative strangers. Todd has been a rock.

I grew much closer to some new friends and some friends faded away a bit. I know people say that you'll know who your true friends are through a crisis like this. True. What is so beautiful is that I really didn't find out anything on the negative side: it was all positive. It is more that some people you don't expect to step up do and others who you thought would be there 24/7 aren't. My life is much richer and fuller as a result of every single one of these relationships.

And, I must say that the Oakton High School Cougars have been incredible!! Shout out to everyone! Does this mean that we are all getting together over Thanksgiving in Northern Virginia? Or, does this warrant a celebratory reunion trip to Ocean City?

One sleep to Oz.

Yes, my hair is coming in salt and pepper. You won't see it again as I alreadyhave it covered.

Last Day of Treatment Eve

Finally, the night before the last day of cancer treatment. Coupled with the simmering excitement for this milestone is the huge anticipation for Todd and my trip to Australia on Friday. Three sleeps to the adventure of a lifetime!

Well, I am having a challenging time sleeping because I am so excited about all of it. Todd and I are zooming around in a flurry of preparations: walking shoes, trial size shampoo (yes shampoo people: I have an inch of hair), laundry, laying out outfits, going for increasingly longer walks to build up my stamina, choosing what to pack, and and and.

Today was full of positives: I stopped by Yoga Swami and completed the paperwork to start the weekly Yoga for Cancer Recovery classes on Thursday October 7th. It will be offered at 4pm on a donation basis. I have a key and everything so, it is on!

Then, I picked up my cast from Anne Krell, the beautifully talented artist who painted it. Check it out! If I haven't written about this before, several weeks ago I was casted by the ladies from Keep-a-Breast.org for an upcoming Breast Cancer Awareness event being held at lululemon Carlsbad. It was an interesting experience and I must say like nothing I've ever participated in before. This group raises breast cancer awareness using art: www.keep-a-breast.org. They are amazing.

In the middle of all of that, I taught two yoga classes, caught up with several of my good friends on the phone and online. Then, I returned home to be surprised by Todd with a pre-vacation/end-of-treatment present.

The second to last radiation was a piece of cake. This is the eighth week that I've driven to Scripps every weekday. I cannot wait to turn in my hospital bracelet. I cannot wait to not enter those gates. I cannot wait to stop changing into hospital gowns on a daily basis. I cannot wait until tomorrow at 3pm.

Freedom.

Countdown

Radiation #34 complete: check

Eyebrows fully grown in with no need for pencil: check

Eyelashes almost fully returned: check

Radiation wound 90% recovered: check

Travel-sized toiletries purchased: check

I cannot believe that I've only got two more radiations and I am done, done, done with treatment! And, then time to escape and run to the other side of the earth for two whole weeks. The next four days will be a whirlwind of preparations to set foot on that plane to Sydney Friday night.

Each day, I feel strength returning. Physical strength. Emotional strength. Mental strength. Yesterday, I had the best yoga practice I've had since I can remember. Physically, I was able to move in ways that I hadn't in quite a while. As a result, I could literally feel the lifting of tensions and stress and pain. Yoga is magic. I'm looking forward to the opening of my body, mind and heart as I practice more freely each day.

Okay, I can't focus to write. I'm too excited because we are leaving for Australia on Friday. Woo.

Six Sleeps to Oz

This photo is from March 26th, when Patti shaved my head for me. Who knew that I'd be eager to have hair this long again? Mine is growing fast but, I'm not quite to this length yet. Hopefully by next week! I'm sick of wigs.

Less than a week to Australia! That means that I've only got three more radiation sessions and I am finished with my cancer treatment. I'm not sure when that lovely reality will sink in.

I'm thrilled to report that I feel much better than I did a few days ago. The evil cold/flu bug that drove me to my knees exited stage left yesterday. My underarm radiation burn is slowly healing: a few more days to go. Three days in bed. Whew.

Last night, we watched the Stand Up to Cancer telethon. It was quite moving and not a little bit disturbing for me. Seeing the statistics that 207,000 people will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year and realizing that I am now one of those statistics feels strange. Part of me must be in denial. I don't know how because every time I look in the mirror or look down, I am reminded. The scars last forever, even the ones that fade on the surface. How will I feel a year from now? five years from now?

So, I'm not sure what to call myself. Am I a cancer survivor? Or, is that name only applicable at 3pm on Wednesday, September 15th, when my last appointment ends? Do I say that I "had" breast cancer? that I "have" breast cancer?

I find it rather odd that they don't have a scan when your treatment ends to declare you cancer-free. I know that they want to do a mammogram in three months and possibly every three months for the next five years? They didn't find my initial cancer on my routine mammogram last September so, I don't have a lot of confidence or interest in having my boob smashed in the mammogram machine so frequently. I can only imagine if I hadn't found the lump myself in January and had waited until now to go in. How much would it have spread by then?

But, I feel lucky. A new friend of mine, that feels like an old friend, is in the hospital. She beat cancer several years ago and now she is ill and the doctors haven't diagnosed the problem yet. She is in her 30s. When I visited her today, my gut told me she'd make it through this new challenge. I know she'll beat whatever this is, even if it is cancer returning. She's too stubborn to let it take over her life. But, why does she even have to deal with it again? It seems so unfair.

So, I am lucky to have three more days. Maybe I will feel done when I leave Scripps parking lot and relinquish my Free-Parking-wristband. Or, maybe I will feel free when Todd and I are driving to LA to catch our plane. Perhaps it will register that I am finished while having High Tea in Sydney or petting a koala along the Great Ocean Road.

The sooner the better!

Yoga for Cancer Recovery Class begins October 7th at Yoga Swami

It is official: beginning October 7th, I will be offering an ongoing weekly Yoga for Cancer Recovery class at Yoga Swami in Encinitas on Thursdays at 4pm.

This class is open to anyone who is currently going through cancer treatment, who has completed treatment or is a caretaker of someone living with cancer. My intent is to create a safe community where we can come together with our shared bond and just feel better. As a breast cancer survivor, I can attest to how much yoga helped me.

Benefits of Yoga:

•Learn to handle the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation

•Experience healing techniques for the mind, body and spirit

•Boost energy, improve mood, learn relaxation and breath techniques to combat fatigue, stress, and pain

•Restore flexibility, strength, range of motion, enhance lymphatic flow, digestion and circulation

Classes at Yoga Swami are donation-based. What does this mean exactly? It means that each week, you pay what you can. The suggested donation is $5-15. But, if you can't make a donation, that is fine. I understand the financial difficulties associated with this journey. I merely would like to cover my cost of renting out the beautiful space where we can hold class.

Yoga Swami is located at 912 S. Coast Highway 101, Encinitas.


If you have any questions at all, please feel free to call me or email me at claire@oceansoulyoga.com.

Please bring your own yoga mat.

Under the weather

How cute is Jake? Burrowed under the blankets. If you look closely, you can see me there underneath them too.

So, I guess the universe wanted me to slow down and let my radiation wound under my arm heal because Tuesday night I started to get very ill. Sore throat, absolutely no ability to breathe through my nose whatsoever, dizzy, weak, sick to my stomach. Great. The doctor did a strep culture yesterday and I'm hoping that isn't the case. I had to cancel my clients and classes for the rest of the week. I'm trapped in the house, trying to move as little as possible.

In other words, I'm miserable.

I don't get sick. Well, except for this pesky little bout with cancer, I don't get sick. I hadn't had a cold in two years before 2010.

So, I am a fan of the Neti Pot to clear out the nasal passages. The Neti Pot is a natural way to keep the sinuses and nasal passages clear and open. Sadly, I'm so congested that the Neti Pot isn't working! Nothing will flow through.

Picture this: it is 4am and I'm leaning over the sink with that bright blue Aladdin-looking pot pouring saline solution into one nostril and nothing coming out. Then, it runs down my face as I choke and try to breathe. Repeat. How can it not work?

From all the years of yoga, I am used to breathing out of my nose. This practice is not serving me well at the moment. Luckily, today I have the use of one-half of my left nostril so, I'm not going to suffocate.

As for the underarm: I'm not going to post a photo because I had a few people so disturbed at the photo I posted of me without the eyebrows that I'm afraid I'd traumatize everyone. The doctor told me yesterday to just slather it with Aquaphor and it would be okay by the weekend. It doesn't look any beetter to me and I just have that greasy ointment everywhere.

It seems like whenever I'm feeling excited when nearing the end of treatment, some little snafu pops up. I absolutely need to be healthy because Australia is next week!! ONE week from tomorrow and I cannot be sick!

Mantras of the day: Open nasal passages, open!
Heal baby heal!

Yes I can.

"There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say watch me." - author unknown

Life is funny: this quote arrived in my inbox this morning and it resonated strongly with me. Perhaps it even triggered a memory or twenty of me saying just those words. And, many times I launched and I crashed back down to earth. Just as the naysayers predicted. But, many times I launched and sailed. Taking risks is inherent in my being, a part of my fabric and make-up.

Life is funny: this afternoon, the folks in radiation oncology were running behind. So, I sat in the waiting room conversing with a lady waiting for her husband to be treated for oral cancer and an older gentleman being treated for I'm not quite sure what. He'd had a tumor in his lung and it was pressing on his vocal chords. Thus, he sounded an awful lot like Clint Eastwood in his Dirty Harry days. He's also been going through experimental treatment over the last 18 months, had lost and regrown his hair twice, had numerous surgeries and drugs for perhaps three separate bouts of cancer.

I didn't catch his name, so I will call him Clint, in honor of the husky voice. Clint told me that when people say "cancer" to him, he translates it to "cure." When people tell him his time is limited, he tells them he chooses life. He also said he still goes to the gym three times a week and does what he can because exercise plays a huge factor in staying healthy and keeping the mental attitude positive.

So, basically the universe was giving me the exact same message twice today: once via email and once via an inspiring, strong man fighting for a cure. A cure for himself.

Interestingly, another man in the waiting room, commented to me, "You are too young to be here." And, I agreed with him. He then said, "Life isn't fair, you shouldn't be here." Again, I agreed. But, if any of us in that room awaiting treatment focus on the life isn't fair angle, we are going to have a tough time.

Life isn't fair. In my experience, I've found it to be true that some of us are given a lot to handle for no apparent reason. I look at my father: he's lost 3 of his sons, both his daughters have had cancer, he's divorced and his only living sibling just passed away last week.

Does Rene get depressed? Maybe. But, at 86, that man is still out walking his three miles a day, he goes to play petanque with his friends at Carderock two to three times a week, he travels back to France a few times a year to see his girlfriend and family: he is living his life. I inherited my stubborn bourrique (Corsican donkey) nature from him and I am proud of it.

He is one of the people who consistently told me that I cannot or shouldn't do certain things. I ignored him. And, I'm who I am today because of that slight recklessness, that defiance, that fearlessness in jumping into the unknown.

All my choices created who I am today, for better of for worse. I don't regret any of it.

Well, maybe law school.

Walking without a wig

This morning, I went for a walk wearing only a baseball cap. Well, I also had on pants, a top, shoes and socks, of course. But, since I now have a little hair, albeit silver, showing in the sideburn area and at the nape of my neck, I figured what the heck?

I went to the lagoon with Kirsten, as opposed to the beach where I might actually run into someone that I know. Baby steps. It felt good to not fuss with it. And, now that my brows and lashes are growing back, I didn't have to waste five minutes drawing on brows and liner either. I'm pleased to have that time returned to me. Of course, it is now spent on shaving my legs that seem to be valiantly trying to make up for lost time. I'm now really anxious for the hair to just fill in so I can go without anything at all! My fingers are crossed that my hairdresser can make it a pretty color pre-Australia.

My energy level is great and the only complaint I have is that the skin under my arm is still raw and weepy. Really horrible. I had to hold my hand on my hip and away from my body on the walk so I didn't rub it any more. Very graceful. It astounds me that they proceed so far with all of these treatments despite the severity of the side-effects. They saw how raw it was last week and basically just told me to deal with it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

This week marks the final free Yoga for Cancer Recovery class at lululemon Carlsbad. 9am on 9/9! I'm excited that I've got the new Yoga for Cancer Recovery class time firmed up for October. I'll be offering the class at Yoga Swami in Encinitas at 4pm on Thursday afternoons.

10 days to Australia....

George Clooney and I...

have an unlikely connection. Not one that I'm really happy about but, it was absolutely compelling and as soon as Todd and I returned from seeing "The American", I had to write about it.

By the way, The American was a disappointment. Slow-moving all the way through. I'd wait until it comes to DVD.

So, the epiphany that struck me during the film was that I have the exact same hair as George. Except that he has about 3/4 inch more than me. But, the salt and pepper color pattern, including full silver on the temples, dark through the center and silver in the front is identical. We even share the same little cowlick where my part will be one day soon. How did this happen? How can it be?

George is a silver fox.

I am not.

I cannot wait until September 16th when I see my hairdresser and have some pretty color slapped on there. I can handle walking around with a crew cut, just not the Cell Block 9 version.

12 days to Australia.

Grow, baby, grow!

The cancer recovery yoga series continues to go well at lululemon. The last class in the series will be Thursday September 9th. I'm so grateful that I've been able to offer this free series at lululemon Carlsbad. Once I return from Australia, it looks like I'll be offering a weekly donation-based class in Encinitas at Yoga Swami.

Today is the first day of a three day weekend with nothing really scheduled: lovely and relaxing. And, it appears that the sun is actually going to show through the heavy marine layer that has been cloaking San Diego since Thursday. Come on sun!

I can't wait for my radiated red skin to heal up! The skin under my arm has now blistered, broken up, rubbed raw a few times. It doesn't seem to matter how much ointment I slather on it, the location just sucks for healing purposes. I had the last radiation to that area on Thursday and the final 7 are just to the lumpectomy incision. I'm optimistic that the rest of the area will be healed by next week.

Todd and I are leaving for Australia in less than two weeks! I cannot believe it. The days are taking shape and so is my vacation wardrobe. I've lucked out with finding some shorts and walking shoes and a few other fun things that scream vacation time! Sydney! Melbourne! Great Ocean Road!

And, I am willing my hair to grow fast enough that Sheila, Sydney, Britney and Gisele are shadows of my past! I'd love to be able to go to Australia with a bare head and not worry about any wigs. Well, I'll be honest, I'm not simply willing it, I've got Ovation slathered on my head with the shower cap on top.

If you missed that photo from a few weeks ago, scroll back to see it. I look the same but, now I have my own eyebrows and eyelashes. A lot of eyebrows. It is amazing how fast the hair is coming in! At this rate, I will have Brooke Shields brows circa the 1980s. I've got an appointment with my hairdresser on the 16th, the day before we leave, to put some color on this head. I have no problem walking around with a crew cut but, it shan't be a predominantly silver one. No way. No how.

I'm so happy to be almost at the end of this ride. I found the lump on January 2nd and treatment finishes on September 15th. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes brighter by the hour.

Lucky #8

What a whirlwind of a day. Doctor's appointments, shopping and teaching. In that exact order.

Great news: I met with the lymphedema physical therapist for the first time in over a month. She was thrilled to see that my arm looks normal and has been holding steady for four weeks now. The proof is in the measurements, however, and I was eager to see what the percentage decrease would be.

When we first met in June, my right arm was 14.4% larger than the left. Then, I had a horrible reaction to the heated yoga room and it ballooned up to 21.9%. Simply gross. It took another month to get it down to 14% at our last meeting on July 27th.

Today, it is only 8%!! And, that is a 42% reduction in the size of my arm itself. Hello wrist bone! Hello elbow! Goodbye Popeye forearm! I think I may be able to wear jewelry on my right hand and wrist again after all. What a relief. I still have to wear a sleeve during the day and sleep in the night sleeve each night but, I will wean off of it after radiation and hopefully only have to wear a sleeve to workout.

Anyways.....

I promptly zoomed over to Nordstrom and put that newly svelte right arm and hand into action signing credit card slips. I lucked out and found some cute walking shoes for Australia, along with some Sanctuary shorts: all on sale. I need to be prepared for my trip, right?

Onto Radiation Oncology for full area treatment and new scans for the final 8 treatments. I have just one "full area" radiation left tomorrow. Thank goodness as my underarm is now officially raw and blistered.

Next, Dr. L came in and drew a circle around my incision and the assistant put wire around it, which felt very strange. The assistant then stuffed me into the CT-Scanner machine again so they could photograph the wired section of boob. The final eight treatments will be directed solely to this specific tumor bed area.

In addition to the CT-Scan photos, they once again took photos with a regular camera. Snapshots of me lying on my side, with a robe half-on, wire around my magic-markered breast cancer scar. I find these very odd. All I can say, is that once this blog is published as a book those photos better not surface on the internet.

I have a reputation to uphold.

Great day!

I'm simply simmering with optimism today. It began with teaching a lovely class, if I do say so myself, at Bindu Yoga. The energy in this beautiful little studio is truly inspiring. Barbara, one of my students, was kind enough to run home before class to bring me some special lotion for the sad state of my skin. My chest and underarm are raw. Ouch!

I've been slathering on a variety of recommended potions, lotions and oils in what I now realize are futile attempts to not get cooked, blistered, flesh. It looks like someone held an iron against my armpit. Yesterday I had a disquieting epiphany. When I told Meredith that I was using emu oil, she asked me how the emu oil was made. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about it. Perhaps they milked the emu? or got it from the feathers? But, I had a niggling feeling that perhaps this wasn't the case.

Sure enough, when I returned home, I googled emu oil and learned that they kill the emu and obtain the oil from the fat. Oh no! I'm sorry Mr. Emu. I honestly didn't realize. Back to the calendula and the aloe.

This afternoon, Robyn from City of Hope, Stacy McCarthy the yoga guru (www.yoganamastacy.com), and I met to discuss the upcoming March 5th Yoga for Hope event that we are coordinating. It is really exciting to strategize and plan ways to create a successful, memorable inaugural event for such a worthy cause. I can't wait to firm up some of the details and involve yogis from all over San Diego.

I'm feeling so grateful for all the blessings in my life.

Time to slather on some more calendula aloe magic potion! Fingers crossed.

Close Call with Sheila

2 tickets booked for Sydney to Melbourne and back. A B&B selected in Melbourne and plans for an adventure road trip down the Great Ocean Road with Todd's sister Julie and her Aussie hubby Matthew. Australia is now beginning to feel like a reality and less like a fantasy. We leave in less than three weeks!

24 down, 12 to go.

In terms of radiation side-effects, I've yet to encounter the fatigue. Perhaps because I ignored the advice of my radiation oncologist and am taking lots of antioxidants and vitamins? My energy level feels like it did pre-cancer, even though if I'm honest, I cannot remember that far back right now. The skin on my chest and right underarm, however, is not happy. Red, raw, sore, itchy and plain angry at the radiation machine. I only have four more treatments to the large area, the remainder are to the tumor bed. Thank goodness because I think I'd have open wounds otherwise. Ouch.

My lymphedema arm has held steady for three weeks now, thank the lord! I'll continue to be extremely conservative and wear the sleeves and night sleeve until a month or so after radiation ends. Two of my new Lymphediva sleeves look like I've got tattoos: kind of fun.

This morning started with a potential disaster, I almost lost my wig! I went to Petco, for my Rescue House volunteer session with the cats. When I arrive, I shut the door to the room and let out all of the kitties. We've got about a dozen adorable cats and kittens in there at the moment, if you are looking for a new furry little friend.

So, as I was letting out shy Jasmine, I was petting her and Tyler, who lives upstairs from Jasmine, apparently got impatient. He reached out his paw and managed to pull my Sheila wig off of my head. Luckily, I grabbed it before it came all the way off and maintained my dignity. The salt-and-pepper chia pet head is not ready for public viewing yet.

The afternoon included a baby shower for a yoga instructor friend, Sara. It was great to catch up with her and Shannon and Amy, two other teachers from CorePower that I haven't seen since I've been sick. It feels like life is returning to some semblance of normalcy. At last.

Amazing day!

Today was amazing. Amazingly brimming with familiar and new faces, positive energy, interesting conversations, lots of yoga and simple happiness. The San Diego sunshine beamed down, bathing everything in a bright, soft light.

The morning began with Yoga for Cancer Recovery at lululemon. We've extended the series so, there will be two more Thursday 9am classes at the store. It is amazing (sorry to overuse the word but, it just fits) that a group of like-minded students meeting each week has turned into a little community already. I feel so blessed to be a part of something this special. When I return from Australia, we'll just move the beautiful group to a new, permanent location.

Today, I was contemplating how often I felt stuck this year. Just up against a brick wall, no progress, no options, no prospects. Sitting in the house recovering from surgery or chemo or the ailment of the day. I had to drop so many of my regular classes and clients because of cancer. At times, despite my best efforts, I worried a lot about what I was going to do once treatment was done. Would I be able to make up for lost time? Were all those opportunities lost to me forever? Faith in the unknown, prayers and love allowed me to believe that this unchosen path of breast cancer would lead me to something new. Something powerful, true, and life-changing.

I've known for a long time that I'm meant to teach and to write on a grand scale. I remember back to 1997, when I was so miserable practicing law that I would cry each morning in the shower on the way to work. I knew then that I wanted to teach yoga and to write, reaching as many people as possible. This path is leading me to doing so in ways I could never have envisioned. My life is full of beautiful opportunities.

And, if that isn't a silver lining, I don't know what is.

Fleeting moments on Paseo del Norte

I was reminded today how fragile life can be. Not in regard to myself but, in regard to the upsetting way my day began. I was meeting a new friend down in Cardiff to go for a walk and left the house in high spirits.

As I was driving down my street, I noticed an animal in the road. Honing my gaze, I realized that it was a cat. I promptly performed an illegal u-turn and pulled up next to him. I got out of the car to assess the situation and saw that the beautiful, chocolate and black tiger-striped kitty was indeed dead. His head was lying at an awkward angle, indicating a broken neck.

Because the person who hit him hadn't bothered to stop and at least move the cat out of the street so he wouldn't be pulverized, I did so. I grabbed one of my yogitoes out of the trunk and gingerly lifted up the beautiful boy. He was still warm so, it hadn't been long since his life had been unceremoniously snuffed out. I moved him to the grass beyond the sidewalk and left him wrapped in the pristine white blanket. I hope that his family found him. When I returned a few hours later, the blanket and kitty were gone.

So, this brings up a pet peeve of mine. I've been doing animal rescue for several years now. Often, when I speak to people wanting to adopt, they tell me that they "have to let their cats outside" for a variety of stupid reasons. No, you don't have to let the cats out. Or, they will get hit by a car or killed by a coyote. Keep the cat indoors!!!!

I wonder if the person who killed this cat even noticed that he'd hit something? Did he look in the rearview mirror and shrug his shoulders, oh well? Was he busy texting or talking on the phone? It breaks my heart.

Later, as I drove home on this same stretch of road, I was struck by how incredible the sky looked after sunset. It felt like I was entering a Monet landscape. Although my day had been colored with sadness for the cat I was too late to save, in that moment, I found profoundly grateful to be alive, to be able to enjoy the beauty of nature.

Jake and Oreo got extra big kisses when I walked in the door.