Fading Reflections

Somehow, I don't think I'll get used to that first look in the mirror in the morning. I feel like I'm disappearing slowly. Inevitably. Like a painting fading in the sun, each time I encounter the reflection, it is fainter. My face, as I know it, seems to be eroding. The brows, the lashes, the color. Will I completely disappear?

Exiting the house is a process. I feel like an alien who puts on the mask, the fake hair and hat, the cloaks of looking "normal" prior to braving the rest of the world. As I sit here writing, I'm wearing my awesome cat hat and PJs. Catching glances of my bald head in the mirror over the last few days has been disturbing. I don't see me.

Compared to this time Round 1, I'm doing significantly better. When the bone pain hit me last round, I was completely incapacitated. This time, I've been on claritin and some meds in anticipation of bone pain and headaches and it seems to be helping enormously. I'm glad that I took off today and tomorrow to give myself the room and space to heal. My brain is floating. One minute, I feel completely present and almost normal and the next I am loopy. In fact, I would say loopy is an accurate current gauge.

This afternoon, Megan walked me and I ambitiously assumed a big jaunt. Fifteen minutes later, we re-entered the condo. Time is relative I suppose. Between Todd and Megan, I've been spoiled rotten over the last week. I wonder if Meg's husband Will will let us keep her? It isn't fair that he gets to have her all to himself. Lucky!

I completed my certification to teach Yoga for Cancer Survivors yesterday. In retrospect, I realize that it may have not been the most auspicious timing but, I did it! I hope to be able to parlay all that I learned from the instructor and other participants to create a nurturing, healing class to help others. And, selfishly, it was healing for me to be in an environment like that as I battle this cancer.

Waves of chemo brain are rolling in and I'm feeling foggy. I'll sign off for tonight but, I am happy that this round seems to be milder and less painful. Knock on wood.