Voila!

I awoke to discover that I have Monday off! Originally, I was scheduled to teach Pilates at 7:30am and yoga at noon but, now I've got the entire day free. What a great way to start the day. Not that I don't love teaching but, having two days in a row completely free is a luxury that I welcome.

Yesterday was rough emotionally. I couldn't shake the dark cloud obscuring all else. My attempts to write both here and on my dusty little novel were fruitless. I ended up putting down quite a bit and then deleting it all. On purpose. Ahh, the joys of computers. Back in college, I'd have had to tear up the typewritten pages instead of simply hitting one key to remove them from existence.

We spent some time at the pool this afternoon and soaked up a little sunshine. Slathered with 60 sunscreen of course. Nothing relaxes me more than reading a good book with the sun warming my skin and a cool ocean breeze keeping me from overheating.

I've decided to re-read all of my Hemingway novels. He is my favorite author. I plowed halfway through the Sun Also Rises at the pool. Hemingway captures Paris perfectly and makes me so nostalgic for the time when I was lucky enough to live there. The romanticism of writing, drinking and eating in Paris, of living in the moment. Nobody can elicit the same emotions as he can.

A Moveable Feast is next. Actually, it is my favorite so, I should save it for last after I revisit For Whom the Bell Tolls. Not my favorite. Importantly, I can totally escape into Hemingway's world, leaving my issues behind. And, he motivates me to write. The more I read his work, the more I am able to flow within mine. I'll finish that novel yet.

In terms of milestones for today, 25 days remain until my last day of chemotherapy. Three and one-half weeks. When I glance in the rear view mirror, I am amazed that it is almost the five month mark from the fateful date I found the lump. Is fateful a word?

After the last chemo, I've got a break for two or three weeks, then six or seven weeks of daily radiation, so August appears to be the true end to this ordeal. I actually still don't understand the radiation. If the chemotherapy is killing all the cells in my body, wouldn't it kill the ones surrounding the lump removal site? Isn't radiation a little bit of overkill? Does my body really need any more collateral damage than it has already received? I am ready for closure.

I've been very anxious that I am developing lymphedema in my right arm. I may have overdid my pilates on Friday and my right chest, back, deltoid and arm have felt heavy and a little swollen. My underarm is still totally numb and the inside of my upper arm is numb too so it is hard to ascertain what is happening.

This road to recovery is a rough one. I'm trying to maintain at least a some daily activity but, when my legs just stop moving, the walks are a challenge. I was planning on some vinyasa flow yoga but, I cannot put any weight on my right arm until it feels normal again. I'll do my range of motion and flexibility exercises but, it is so frustrating to be unable to really move and get the endorphins flowing.

So much restriction. So many rules. I can't wait until my body can do what my mind desires it to do. Patience has always been a major issue for me. I attribute that primarily to my French heritage. French Corsican heritage. It is in my blood to be impatient, impetuous and passionate. Cancer requires the complete opposite set of emotional skills and although I began practicing yoga in 1999, I am not equipped to calmly proceed through the maze that is cancer treatment. Too bad this cancer didn't wait about twenty more years to hit me.

First Annual Writer's Block Day

I officially have writer's block today. Check back tomorrow and perhaps my brain will click back to "on."

Full Moon Rising!

Based on how I've been feeling the last few days, I can now predict the future. Ha!

Here goes: on the following dates: June 12th through the 24th AND July 3rd to forever....I will be feeling pretty darned good. Please feel free to schedule social visits, attend my yoga classes, and pick up the phone. You may catch glimpses of me around the county, masquerading as Sheila, Dominique, Giselle or Britney, depending upon the day.

The crystal ball says to avoid me June 6th through 12th and June 27th until July 3rd. At all costs. Really, just ask Todd about last week. Visualize a crabby little kid whose summer camp session was canceled and had to stay home and play Monopoly with the parents. Not pretty. Don't be surprised if I don't answer the phone. But, do leave me a kind message anyway.

It is so satisfying to have the energy to go meet a friend for lunch, to have the energy to go buy two new tires to teach yoga, to attend a healing evening filled with several beautiful, strong women. Another good day.

Tonight I attended a very special, energizing event at the home of Victoria Bearden, a talented astrologer in Encinitas. She hosted a Full Moon Manifestation Circle. What is a Full Moon Manifestation Circle you ask? Essentially, it is an opportunity to write down manifestations you want to create in your life, harness the energy of a group of like-minded positive women, enjoy a Tibetan bowl meditation culminated by sitting around an outdoor fire pit together and releasing your written card into the fire. Yowwwww! Very powerful.

What I found interesting was that I wrote down three manifestations. Nothing on the list had anything to do with breast cancer or health. Nothing. From the beginning of this journey, it never once occurred to me that I was going to die from this disease. Well, okay, maybe once or twice. I'm not afraid of death; I just know it isn't my time yet. Too much to do.

I've got so much that has been incubating as I've been in my I Dream of Jeannie Bottle these last months. As I wrote the other day, many of my dreams seem to be crystallizing. I know that my future is incredible and I am on the path to being what I am meant to be, doing what I am meant to do.

Dominique has a fabulous day!

And the winner is.....Dominique! Thanks Arch, for your creative vision.

Dominique's inaugural excursion was a smashing success. She taught pilates, went out to lunch, shopped, and even did some laundry, all in sassy style. Whereas I still feel self-conscious in Sheila or sometimes even in one of the hat-hairs, Dominique is so radically different then Claire that I felt liberated.

So, whether it is the fact that I am almost two weeks out from Round 4 and physically stronger each day or that life as a redhead is just more exciting, I feel good today. I feel more connected. That vague feeling of isolation is lifting and my mind and heart feel stimulated.

I committed to teaching a yoga class beginning in July, at a studio where I've always wanted to teach, Yoga Swami. I feel blessed for the connection that created the opportunity. Thank you Katie!

And, I took another step forward in taking my career to the next level. The final piece of the puzzle, you could say. I attended an informational call with Coach U, a life coaching training school. For many years, I've been interested in adding coaching to my arsenal, as a natural extension of teaching yoga and pilates and seeking to help others. It sounds like an amazing program that won't interrupt my teaching and writing schedule, only complement it.

Why add a coaching credential?

I'd like to help others who have gone through a life-changing crisis, like cancer or AIDS or losing a loved one. I'd like to help pave the way back from darkness to one filled with light. To reconnect with the physical body, the heart and the mind. I'd also like to help motivate those who just feel generally stuck and need encouragement and a plan to implement a professional or personal transformation. Coaching just gives some more structure and tools to the process.

So many people I've encountered have no idea where to start, how to rebuild, how to recreate a life after a crisis. One thing I know is change! If I can share lessons from my experiences, if I can make a difference, if I can heal in some small way, I am fulfilled. Mind, body and spirit.

Now, need to continue working on my own healing.

A Contest....

For all of you who've told me you weren't comfortable posting comments on the blog: I've made it easy for you! I went out on a limb and opted for a short auburn wig. Who knew? I feel like I've got an alter-ego.

So, let's name her. I'm thinking french and exotic. Brigitte and Chantalle are the front-runners but, I am open to suggestion! Please help me name her! Her maiden voyage on my big bald head is tomorrow morning to teach Pilates.

I am close to 100% today and it feels good. I'm hopeful that the next week continues this trend and I'll be able to take advantage of feeling stronger and be able to do more yoga, do more pilates, do more walking on the beach. To have the strength to live life on a larger scale and not be held back by these side-effects is all I want.

Change is the only constant

Lots of focus these days on remembering to take things day by day. To be grateful. To savor each moment when I feel good, from basking in the San Diego sunshine, enjoying a movie on the couch with Todd, cuddling with Oreo and Jake, to smiling at the commercial for the premiere of Eclipse next month. Yes, it makes me smile.

Just as I try to enjoy each positive moment, I am trying to remind myself that the hours of feeling fatigued, the numbness in my hands and feet, the new weird red marks on my hands, the waves of depression that inevitably settle in won't last forever. It isn't permanent.

Nothing is.

I recall consoling friends who were going through difficult situations to remember that things would get better. I remember others giving me the same advice when I experienced the lowest lows and felt hopeless. The tide always turns. Really, the only thing we can count on in this lifetime is that nothing stays the same. That you never know what beautiful experience is awaiting you tomorrow. To hold on during the lows in order to ascend to the highs once again.

Today, ten days out from Round 4, I really still don't feel very well. I'm doing my best to stay optimistic. Yoga, meditation, writing in my journal, staying connected with my friends and family, enjoying nature. Part of me just wants to go to sleep for the next five weeks and wake up and this will all be in the rear view mirror.

I do know that this final climb is going to be the most challenging for me. I'm simply exhausted. I'm extra sensitive and emotional. Prickly. My hearing is more acute. Like a bat. My sense of smell is sharper each day. Like a hound. I am the BatHound.

Positive for today: I am back to teaching this week. I'll close with that high note.

Stop the oil

Things seem to be falling into place. I feel less of that frustrated "stuck" feeling and more movement in a positive direction. A light at the end of the tunnel with treatment. Day by day, step by step. I don't feel like writing about me today, (miracle, I know), however.

I cannot stop thinking about the ramifications of this tragic oil spill in the Gulf. It infuriates me that these huge oil companies can go drill deep into the ocean and now scratch their heads and act puzzled about how to remedy their error? How can they be allowed to drill, without even basic protocols in place in case of situations like this? It is criminal.

It reminds me of big insurance companies: all about profit and money, weighing the risks of actually being held accountable versus spending the money to take appropriate precautions.

Hello, Ford Pinto anyone? Those insurance talking heads sat around and discussed whether they should fix the gas tank because they knew that it would blow up, knew that people would die. Looking simply at the money it would take to fix it up front against risking deaths of people, they chose to risk it. All to make millions up front.

Just like BP.

Other industries are required to have major safety measures in place prior to proceeding, right? Think aerospace, medical, you name it.

How can these "drill baby drillers" be allowed to cause one of the major environmental tragedies of our time and get away with it? It isn't just negligent, it is criminal. I find it hard to fathom that they weren't aware of the risks of drilling. The poor birds, turtles, fish and animals are now washing up, covered with oil, dying a slow, terrible death, for what? Fisherman and others who make their living from the water are now devastated and ruined, for what?

I just pray that somebody can pull it together and stop the gallons surging and clean up what is already contaminating the waters. Now. Stop the madness, please.

Rolling, rolling, rolling....light at the end of the tunnel

This fourth round aftershock is really a rollercoaster. I thought I'd stepped off the ride yesterday but, that doesn't appear to be the case.

Last night, when I went to bed I ended up having hot flashes, I'm talking waking up drenched in sweat, along with numbness in my right index finger and thumb, numbness in my left foot and the occasional shooting pain down my legs. Let's just say it wasn't my most peaceful slumber to date. Unfortunately, it lasted through today as well.

Because I felt and looked like death warmed over, I frantically tried to get my yoga class covered this morning. Literally dialing up until 10:15 and the class starts at 10:35am. I made it through by sheer stubborness, although I did have to teach the last 30 minutes just sitting on my mat. Wobbly and weak.

Enough of detailing my litany of physical ailments, as that is very boring. But, if someone else reading this has experienced the same thing, maybe it is helpful to not feel like the only person in the world with a body out of control.

The nature of this disease is simply isolating. The other day, I was talking to my friend who just completed her chemotherapy. We concurred that it is often easier to just stay in the house then make the effort to put on the makeup, wig and/or hat. And, when I am feeling that way, I really don't feel like me. Shut down.

Today, I finally got to catch up with one of my best friends and hear all the wonderful things that are happening in her life. A nice lengthy phone conversation felt like a luxury. It felt so great to connect. I am looking forward to the time where spending time on the phone and in person is once again the norm. I miss my friends. Love this photo of us in Cabo.

Okay, the rollercoaster is definitely soaring now! Todd and I just booked our tickets to Australia for September 17th to October 3rd. My first trip to the land down under. I can't believe it!! This trip will be the light at the end of the tunnel! Yippee!!

A little clarity

Today, doomsday is ebbing away in the rear view mirror. Today, I walked on the beach with Todd and enjoyed the soft air washing over me as the waves broke on Ponto Beach. Today, the effects of Round 4 are fading. And, today, I finally felt clarity and certainty about my career direction.

My cleaning out the nightstand drawer was just the beginning. Today, I spent several hours organizing my beautiful file cabinet. New file folders, new labels with varied color magic markers, a place for everything, everything in its place. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. I've now got my Yoga, Pilates, Fitness, Writing, Coaching, Goal Setting, Cat Rescue, and of course my Personal files all set up properly. I pared down and am now primed to move ahead.

Yes, I am a colossal dork.

But, I feel fantastic and ready to take the steps that can implement all I want to do. Whereas I've been feeling suspended since January, I now feel like I can start making some forward progress. It feels fantastic.

This cancer can have part of my time; this cancer cannot have all of my time.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life..la la...la la..la la

I haven't felt much like writing because I've been feeling so down that I didn't really want to spread that energy out into the universe. God forbid anyone ever read my private journal where I really vent! I'm swimming up from the depths so, here goes.

As I discussed last time, I cannot believe that four months have elapsed and that I am in the midst of chemotherapy, baldness, weakness, and cancer. The cycles of this treatment really do vary, although they are seemingly the same. The fatigue is striking my muscles hard again this time. My legs feel like lead bricks. What is a lead brick? The heaviest thing I can muster at present.

Anyway, all of my limbs feel like I am wading through molasses. Although I'd really like to go for a walk, I just cannot. Yesterday, we went for 15 minutes and Todd had to push me up the hill back into the door.

I did wander around Target for a while today, earning my spot in the FB group, "I went to Target for shampoo and spent $150." Well, my title should be I went to Target for anything BUT shampoo, right? Nonetheless, I worked the aisles, and rewarded myself with a new lipgloss, and not one, but two books that look interesting enough to finish. I barely restrained myself from purchasing the lovely blue Team Edward T-shirt. I want it. If someone happens to buy it for me, in size Small, I will wear it. In public. Hint. Hint. (that is Team Edward. Size Small)

I choose to count the Target excursion as 30 minutes of exercise. Anything not flat out on my back, as I currently am, has to count as activity.

Tomorrow will be an intensive rest day, complemented with an afternoon massage. Maybe a good deep tissue massage will stimulate these semi-worthless limbs. Another strange side-effect that is impacting me for the first time is some tingling and numbness in both my feet and hands. I can't recall which of the three drugs, T, A, or C has that fun result but, I feel it. While I stand or walk. Currently, my left wrist is tingling. I am officially a science project.

Needless to say, I am crabby and not particularly friendly today. Poor Todd, having to live in the cross-fire. I am sorry, my love.

Today, I personify my pet peeve person. You know, the one who wants to just dump all their problems in your lap but doesn't want to lift a finger to try to solve them? the emotional vampire? Yes, that is me. I have a tough time abiding the victim mentality, but it looks like I'm wallowing in it for now. No suggestions, no silver lining, no bright side of life. (enter Monty Python Bright Side of Life song here)

I can confess all my darkness because I am rising above it. I can feel it. Soon. And, my favorite person, Randi, did drop off her super-sinful, perfect, delicious brownies.

There isn't much that a tasty, homemade brownie cannot fix.

Nuggets from January

This photo is from my birthday party 2006...I remember exactly what I was wishing as I blew out those candles.

So, Round 4 Incubation Period. I just feel like a giant sloth, slinking from couch to bed, bed to couch. If something is percolating this round, it is buried deep. In an effort to do something, anything, for the first time in days, I cleaned out my nightstand drawer.

Cleaning out the drawer did indeed trigger movement. I keep a lot of my random writing in the drawer. Four separate notebooks, as a matter of fact. Musings, partially written stories, ideas, and journal entries. Each time I re-read some of my ramblings, I get stimulated to ramble some more.

I discovered the notebook where I was scribbling the few days prior to and after finding the lump. It is surreal to look back and realize what an enormous turning point the second of January was; a day where I was full of resolutions and determinations for 2010. This was definitely going to be my year. On the 1st, Kirsten and I had gone for a walk on the beach and enjoyed a spectacular sunset, full of innocent dreams for a really big year. Not this kind of big....

Looking back at the past made me recognize something that got lost in all of the madness of these last months.

On January 2nd, lump day, Todd and I went to see 'Up in the Air.' We enjoyed the movie but, what stood out was that Sam Elliot had a small part in the movie. The actor always reminds me of my late brother Paul.

It sounds crazy but, each and every time I see a movie with Sam Elliot in it, I feel that my brother Paul is reaching out to me. I generally cry each time. When Sam Elliot stares out of the silver screen, crinkling his eyes and smiling slightly over his horseshoe moustache, I always feel a chill down my spine. Until I re-read my journal entry, I'd forgotten that Paul had been a part of that day.

Moreover, it appears that I knew immediately that the lump wasn't going to be just a bump. Reading those words from a mere four months ago is striking. I also re-read a letter from Megan, after she'd read my blog entry about the drain. I certainly hated that damn drain, didn't I? It was the center of my universe for twelve days and, I must say, it still ranks up there as one of the most unpleasant parts of this ordeal. I still wish we could've made it a pinata. It seems like a lifetime ago.

I wonder how I'll feel in September, re-reading this blog post? What new insights will I find? Where will I be physically? emotionally? mentally?

Incubation Weekend

It is 8:12pm on Sunday night and I only recently got out of bed.

The. Entire. Day. Was. Spent. Sleeping.

If indeed this journey through cancer is a time for me to cocoon and rest while brilliance percolates, I made a great deal of progress today.

My eyes are getting heavy.....back to work.

Round 4....so far so good!

I cannot stop laughing at the photo of Kim and I in those silly wigs. Trust me, you won't see me sporting either of them. I guess there is a style for everyone, right?

I much prefer my real hair circa February 2nd, 2010, from my Lululemon Ambassador photo shoot!! How long will it be before I'll have hair that length again? Sigh....

Round #4 went smoothly. I got to sit in a bed this time because the lounge chairs were full. It was fine as my legs were tired and this way they were elevated the entire time. Afterwards, Kim and I went and got mystic tans. God forbid she return from California pale! It was interesting to use the booth without having to utilize the shower cap. Tanned the bald head.

Today was a steroid-fueled whirlwind. Kim took her third class of the week with me, this one at Frogs. Then, we hit Lululemon Carlsbad Forum to check out all the fun new colors and visit with all my favorite ladies. Next, lunch at St. Tropez, then more shopping. Got some really awesome shoes at Marshalls. Not sure when I'll be up for wearing some sassy heels but, I'm prepared!

Now, collapsed on the couch. Whew. When will these steroids wear off? Maybe I'll be getting off easy this round! Or, perhaps because my Neulasta shot was delayed until Monday I'm not getting side-effects from that yet? I'll just hope for the best.

Kim and I had an awesome visit. It really didn't feel like I was a cancer patient at all! We had too much fun with all the visiting, sunshine, eating and catching up. I'm so grateful for my friends and family. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Pre-Round #4

Gearing up for Round 4 this afternoon. Kim and I will head to Lois' for my acupuncture and then down to the Chemo Lounge. After today, I'll only have two rounds left. More than halfway to the finish line. Hallelujah!

We had an awesome, busy day yesterday. Pilates, manicure/pedicure, lunch at the always yummy Swamis Cafe. It was gorgeous outside, sunny and 68 or so. Perfect. Then, we did the not-so-fun tasks of taking me to Scripps for my blood work. It doesn't seem to become any more pleasant with habit. Then, onto the magical Patti's house for some more wig tweaking and the selection of the new short Posh do. We had a blast trying on some silly wigs while Patti styled and trimmed Sheila. Now, Sheila is perfect!

Big news.....drumroll....I'm going for the auburn Posh. Something very different for me. Why not? Maybe I'm finally going to have fun with this. Sultry redhead one day, sexy blond the next, with interspersions of hat hair and bald as an egg.

Last night, I had my dear old friend Kim (met circa 1991) and my "new" friends meet up at Third Corner. That place is so fabulous. Lissa, Kirsten, Meredith and Anne all showed up to eat, drink and toast off this round. I'm so blessed to have such beautiful, generous, smart, funny, kind friends. Lucky, lucky, lucky. Thank you all!

I've decided to have a big party at the end of chemo. After June 24th. I'd like to take a page from my friend April's birthday party last fall and make it a wig party. Everyone must wear a wig to be admitted and consume tasty cocktails. April's party was so much fun: talk about an icebreaker or two? Purple mullets, pink bobs, Bob Marley dreads....it will be a blast!! Start planning now....we'll have prizes!

I'm trying not to stress over how this weekend will unfold. I hope that I'm not as fatigued as I was last time but, as my legs have been feeling really tired, I have a feeling I may be on my back a lot. Sigh.

Off we go!

Keeping it together...

I started reading an interesting book called, Close to the Bone, Life-Threatening Illness as a Soul Journey, by Jean Shinoda Bolen. My sister shared it with me because it helped her cope with her own experience with breast cancer five years ago. Bolen employs several myths to illustrate how cancer affects us. In particular, she discusses the myth of Persephone from Greek mythology:

..a biopsy reveals cancer, through whatever means we learn of a life-threatening illness, the effect is the same: Persephone--the assumption of youth and health, the assumption of safety and immunity from disease and death--has been violated and taken into the underworld......Illness as a descent of the soul into the underworld is a metaphor that brings to the intuitive mind and knowing heart a depth of understanding that cannot be grasped consciously otherwise...p. 15, Close to the Bone.

I've only begun the book but, her premise that the body cannot be separated from the soul resonates deeply.

Today is one of those days where I am doing everything in my power to maintain a positive attitude and still feel off. Why won't my darned brain comply with my wishes? Why are my mind and body not syncing?

I love lists. I love checking things off lists. Here goes: Things I did on Tuesday to feel better:

Taught yoga at Frogs. Check.
Walk at lagoon, listening to Guns n'Roses. Check.
Practiced yoga at home. Check.
Cuddled with the cats. Check.
Touched base with friends. Check.

Why don't I feel better? I feel tired and melancholy. My body does not feel like my own right now. It is bloated and puffy, as if somebody inflated me with a bicycle pump. No fair: if I am bald, I at least get to feel skinny all the time, right?

Onto the positive column: I am picking up one of my oldest and dearest friends from the airport tonight after I teach my 6:30pm yoga class. Kim is coming in from Atlanta to be my sidekick through Round 4. I am really excited to see her and catch up. We've had a wide variety of experiences together, like when we were in Marbella and Paris in 2001 or in Barbados for Law School-summer school in 1991, or tubing down the Chatahoochie River with the Morins in Atlanta in 1997 or was that 1998?

I am so grateful that she is coming out to experience one of the less fun times with me. Just as Megan was a pillar of support for me during Rounds 2 & 3, Kim will be too. And, I'm glad to give Todd and all my "local" friends a little breather in this seemingly never-ending saga. Despite my best efforts, I am dreading this next round of chemotherapy.

Joy, joy, happy, happy. Repeat 100 times....

Getting caught naked in public......

or, my version.

Yesterday we went to Zion National Park and hiked in the striking beauty of the red rock cliffs. The sky was clear and blue, the sun was shining and emerald green trees and water surrounded us. We were in full vacation mode after two fantastic days at Best Friends.

And, then, my worst nightmare since I've been bald occurred.

The disaster occurred as we were descending the trail from the Upper Emerald Pool and moved aside to allow some hikers to pass us. As I stepped out of the way, a tree branch caught on my cute cream hat and yanked it off. Exposing my bald head for all to see. I felt naked. Vulnerable. Hideously ugly. Like the only person in the world with cancer. I cried. And, I couldn't get over it for the rest of the day.

Since I began wearing Sheila and hats with hat hair, my biggest fear has been that someone will pull off my hat, revealing my bald head. For example, when we were at the movies, I was convinced that the person behind me was going to ask me to remove my hat. I didn't wear the hat hair to fly to Utah because I was scared that the security officers would make me take it off for some reason. Fear, fear, fear.

I hate being scared. Nervous. It just isn't my personality.

Perhaps the baldness represents everything that I hate about this journey. Just like my breasts are part of my identity and my femininity, so is my hair.

And, I just don't want people that I don't know to look at me and immediately know my biggest life battle. Can't I have my privacy? That may sound hypocritical since I am blogging for all to see but, it is different for me to sit here in the privacy of my home writing on the computer.

Standing bald on a trail in Zion, with healthy people surrounding me rendered me helpless, isolated, alone. So solitary on my journey. I couldn't shake that feeling.

Whereas at Best Friends I felt "normal" in just the hat, it didn't feel that way at Zion or in the airport or the airplane on the way home. The stewardess was just a little too cheery, the security officer who checked my license was too kindly.

Overall, the weekend was incredible. I cannot stop thinking about all the animals that we encountered. Best Friends will definitely be an annual trip. We loved it. Happy times.

Three days to Round #4.

Milestones and Best Friends

A quick entry from Best Friends in Kanab, Utah. I think this photo says it all. This is Bari, a Catahoula Leopard Dog or a Catahoula Hog Dog. Known to herd cats. Seriously. She and her brother were two of the sweetest puppies I've ever met. Good thing that Todd and I didn't drive here. This time.

Please note that I am not wearing Sheila or any of my hat hair underneath my hat. Just the hat. A milestone for me. Building upon a milestone for me from Thursday morning when I taught my Sculpt Fusion Yoga class bald. No hat. Bald. Bald. Bald. I did wear Sheila on the plane and probably will wear her home too. Easier. Enough about the hair for now.

Nothing could have prepared us for the breadth and beauty of this sanctuary. We had the tour yesterday morning, over 3,800 acres containing cats, dogs, horses, pigs, goats, birds, bunnies....heaven.

We volunteered yesterday afternoon and all day today. We walked lots of dogs, took Sascha for an outing to Angel's Landing, Todd took April for an outing this afternoon while I played in the Casa del Calmar, one of the Cat World buildings. Let's just say we have both been experiencing pure happiness and peace of mind.

So many people here are on return visits. It is just so cool to be around all these animal lovers who come here to spend time with the homeless pets. Todd and I definitely will return as this is the perfect annual trek. I've been doing rescue work for about 15 years now and I've never seen anything like this. Love, love, love it!

This trip has been on the "list" for five years. Check!
Tomorrow we head to Zion before flying back to San Diego. Can't wait!

Down Dog in 6 weeks

May continues to be significantly better than April.

When I first began writing about the silver lining in this journey, I wasn't sure how it would appear. Thus far, it has shown itself primarily through my interactions with others. Some are people that I didn't know very well who have shown me how generous and kind they are. Some are my friends and family who have reminded me why I'm blessed to have them in my life. Some are people that I would never have met but for the breast cancer.

Today I spoke with an amazingly brave young woman, Kristin, who at age 28 learned that she had the breast cancer gene. She discovered this because her cousin was diagnosed at age 39 with Stage IV breast cancer and passed within a year. The standard protocol with the breast cancer gene is to have a prophylactic double mastectomy and also have the ovaries removed. Kristin had the double-M and reconstruction. Oh yeah, she'd just gotten married. 28 years old. 39 years old. How can this be right?

Almost every day someone tells me of a friend or colleague who was just diagnosed. The diagnoses of breast cancer in young women is reaching epic proportions. Why is this happening? In the 1970s the statistic was 1 in 20 women, today it is 1 in 7. And, the ages are just getting younger and younger.

Kristin and I commiserated about how hard it is to be sidelined by all of this. We both are used to being very active and physical. Neither of us will accept that we can't get back to our regular routines. Despite what some well meaning folks in the medical profession advise. For example, I was told by a physical therapist specializing in lymphadema that I shouldn't even try to do a Downward Dog for six months. Ha! It only took six weeks. (this photo was pre-surgery nonetheless)

The cancer can have some of my time. Not all of my time.

And, I'm leaving it behind while Todd and I head to Best Friends in Utah this weekend. Can't wait!

Courage and Fear

May is working for me. Third day in a row that was just excellent. Let's maintain this ascent.

A few recurring themes continue to arise. Fear and courage. Bravery and weakness. My friend Colleen sent me a handmade prayer shawl, filled with pure positive energy. Accompanying the shawl was a copy of a sermon on Fear. It resonated.

Throughout this process, what I hear over and over is people telling me how brave and strong I am.

I don't feel brave. Or particularly strong.

Courage? Half the time I feel like the cowardly Lion shrinking away from what is to come. I almost cannot bear the thought of three more rounds of chemotherapy. Or, shall I say, the cumulative side-effects of three more rounds of chemotherapy. I. Just. Don't. Want. To. Go. Again.

But, seriously, I don't think that I am handling this in any more courageous way than others dealt a similar hand. For example, my sister Yael. She went through breast cancer five years ago and powered through it with the fearless grace she always emanates. She didn't seem to worry about some of the issues tugging at me, like the hair. She just did what she had to do.

When I say I don't understand why people tell me I am brave, I mean it. I don't know how else to handle this? I am just doing what I have to do to get to the other side.

Am I afraid? Fear is an interesting concept. After losing three brothers and one dear friend, perhaps I feel like I've faced death already. I truly don't fear it. In fact, I haven't considered it an option in this ride. I'm too stubborn to not morph into an old bat. I've got plans of careening down the 101 in a big cadillac, you know, the 90 year old raisin who can barely see over the steering wheel? Yelling at all the other drivers to clear the way? Not so different from today.

I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. I'm not afraid to push boundaries and try something at least once. I've been called reckless and I've been accused of being an idealistic romantic. I've made many mistakes, some of them of gargantuan proportions. Yet, I really don't regret any of the less than stellar judgment calls. Because I was not governed by fear.

What do I fear now? That life will pass me by as I'm in my incubator bottle. That I will miss out on important events in my friends and families' lives because I'm so focused on this battle. That I won't be there for those who need my support.

Fear: it won't rule my life. It cannot. Like Marianne Williamson says, everything in life stems from either love or fear. Everything.

I choose love this time around.

Beat the Second Sunday Curse

The dreaded second Sunday after chemotherapy. The prior two Sundays were woe-filled dark days where nothing could pull me out of my chemo-induced depression. Could the curse be beat?

I am happy to report that the answer is Yes!

I continued to ride the Saturday morning high into the evening. Todd and I had a romantic dinner at Firefly. I tamed Sheila and wore her with authority. (see photo above) It still feels weird to wear a wig and I cannot wait to have my own hair again. Nonetheless, we had a great night and went to bed happy.

I started my morning with one of the best yoga classes I've been to in years. The inspiring Katie Brauer led the practice, accompanied by live music, at Asana Yoga Del Mar. I left feeling zen. And sleepy.

So, I went home to take a little nap with Jake and Oreo and chill out the rest of the day. My energy level is definitely still low. I hope it returns. I can't keep chugging vegetable juice hoping for a Popeye moment! My legs still feel like those of a wobbly baby deer. Tomorrow they will be stronger.

Four sleeps until we leave for Best Friends!

A Perfect Saturday

What a fantastic morning!

54 people came out to the free community class I taught at Lululemon Carlsbad Forum this morning. Many of my regular students from Pilates, the yoga studios where I teach, active.com, and daily life came in to support me. Thank you for making it a very special morning. We packed a lot of fun into a small space. All I can say is that I love teaching.

I'm still riding high on the class this morning. I'm not sure if people realize how uplifting it is to see their smiling faces. When I'm teaching, I'm in a zone where nothing else matters except for providing a beautiful practice for my students. My goal is for my students to be fully present on the mat and to enjoy themselves. And, the gift for me is that I am fully, truly present.

One of my favorite people on earth, Jessie, attended. I got to meet Jessie and Justin's new baby: the perfect Justin Daniel Junior. Adorable! After class, I took Jessie into the bathroom to see my bald head. She astutely observed that it must be a lot of work to don the hair, the hat, the makeup before leaving the house. Exactly. Oh well, at least I can leave the house, right?

Because my physical strength seems to be returning, I'll embark on a longer walk today. Todd and I are going down to the ocean to enjoy the sea breeze and sunshine. We are so lucky to live within a mile of the beach! Later, I'm surprising Todd with a nice, romantic dinner out. I'll create a smoky eye, wear Sheila on my head and stilettos on my feet. I will feel feminine and sexy again if it kills me. Or, if it takes a few hours of preparations.

Time to bask in a perfect Saturday afternoon. No worries. Cancer doesn't get to hold court today.