Trying to stay present

How to measure time these days?

The present: Megan arrived today and it is wonderful having her here. Taught three classes. One with hat hair and two in my little beanies.

I freaked out a little bit this morning because the hat-hair elastic strap that goes across the forehead broke. I wasn't prepared to leave the house with only a beanie. So, I stapled it together and went to teach my active.com yoga class. The hat hair wouldn't survive in the heated yoga room at Sculpt Fusion so, I braved it with the cotton beanie. It worked. I just try not to look in the mirror.

The future: Chemo Round #2 is Thursday. I'm trying not to dwell on it
but, I've got to start all the pre-treatments, aka steroids, tomorrow. So much preparation for three hours in the lounge chair at Scripps. So much preparation to get sick. So much stress knowing what is coming. I'm not dreading the actual treatment, just the aftermath. Praying that I can prevent the bone pain this time.

At least I don't have to worry about my hair falling out.

This photo is what came out Saturday morning.

Baby steps.....

Hat hair without the hat....

Once the champagne wore off and reality set in, I realized I am bald. Bald, bald, bald. Although I was surprised to discover that my head is very nicely shaped, I'd really prefer to have some hair covering it. There was no way I was leaving the house. The walk didn't happen yesterday afternoon.

To add insult to injury, not only am I bald, my scalp is tender and painful. Patti recommended a baking soda and water poultice to soothe it. It wasn't pretty to have a white pasty cap, but it was magically refreshing and soothing. Putting the wig or even a hat on just added pressure to my already tender little head.

Rocking the baldness outside of the confines of the condo was not an option. Not happening yet. Or, possibly ever.

Today, I resolved to brave the elements. For Outing #1, Pilates, I wore the wig. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite recall all the techniques to make it look realistic and natural. I looked a bit like Miss Piggy. My students were kind but, I wasn't comfortable. I zoomed home and ripped it off and slapped on some baking soda paste.

For Outing #2, Todd and I walked at the lagoon. I sported the hat hair in a ponytail. It felt relatively natural. But, when I got home, my head was tender again. Back to baldness. It just feels better to have nothing on it right now.

Outing #3 was supposed to be teaching yoga. I chickened out today, however, and got a substitute. I just wasn't ready to face the world protected only with a thin cotton cover. I will do it tomorrow. I do like my cotton beanie and ordered three more in different colors.

I had some more acupuncture this afternoon to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is my brain these days. I felt incredibly relaxed when I left. Then, I headed back to Patti's for a little wig adjustment. She showed me a few tips, like pulling out the little "baby hair" around my face to soften the hairline. That woman is a miracle worker. We'll see if I can replicate her handiwork when I try it again. I guess it will just take practice. It seems like a lot of work.

Enough about the hair.

How am I really feeling about this latest development? On one hand, I'm a little relieved because it is over. I am bald, bald, bald at last. The anticipation, the horror of losing my hair is over. It was one of the worst aspects of this journey thus far. Now, it is reality. No more anticipation. Just dealing with the present reality.

Round #2 is my new reality. Dealing with the aftermath of Round #2 will be my reality over the next week.

I've also been thinking a lot about what this all means for my career. I'd thought I had it all figured out and was on the brink of getting all I thought I wanted. Perhaps not. There must be a reason why all my career plans are on hold. Why I cannot move forward. Why I can merely tread water by hanging on to some of my classes. I am clinging to the belief that the universe has something huge around the corner for me. I'm just not clear on the path.

Over the last week or so, I've been reminded of my interest in life coaching. My idea had been to combine it with yoga to achieve a true balance between personal and professional life for my clients. Maybe this interim will give me the opportunity to delve into this concept more. An old friend, who is a successful coach, offered to work with me to explore the potential. Who knows? A path to explore.

My best friend Megan is coming out to stay with me for Round #2. She arrives tomorrow and I'm really excited to spend time with her, although it probably won't be that much fun for her. Selfishly, I'm thrilled to have her here anyway.
The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I get to see Meg.

Hair Removal: Part 2 of 2

The Cat In the Hat on Claire's Hair
I have no hair
I do not care
My locks are gone
And I am free
I am beautiful bald
As you can see
Now in the mornings, my sweet dears
I do not brush
I do not fuss
So envy, envy, envy me
While you are primping, wasting time
I can change my look on a dime
I'm ready to go with a wig or a hat
Fast out the door
Now try and top that! (by Elizabeth Olson)

Mimosas are the best. Yesterday afternoon was a lot of fun. Really, I didn't even cry. Anne, Angie and Joanna and I shared mimosas and yummy snacks in preparation for heading down to Patti's for my shearing and hair fitting. Lots of laughter.

The mimosas went down so smoothly, in fact, that we realized we needed a designated driver to chauffer us to Patti's. Enter my wonderful boyfriend Todd. Not only did he drive us down, he dog-sat Puffy, Angie's little dog, and picked us up. Thanks Todd!

Patti made the experience fun. We had a small snafu as my Pralines and Cream shade didn't come in on time. We've got to wait until April 6th. In lieu of it, we used the same wig style in a lighter blonde. So, it looks like I just went for the peroxide. The wig looks amazingly real. Patti custom fit it to my head, trimmed it to look more like mine. Really cool. I also absolutely love my hat hair. What fun to have long, thick blonde hair under my hats!! Let's just hope they don't blow off.

The shearing was interesting. Patti has done this before so, she wisely had me turned away from the mirror. My remaining hair was so knotted that she just whacked it off. First, we saw what I looked like with a short, beveled bob and surprise, surprise: it was cute! Who knew? I guess since the last time I had a bob was when I had the bad perm in high school, I didn't think I'd ever look okay. I also like the "Posh" short wig and may get that too. Again, who knew?

When she brandished the clippers, I began to quiet. My head is very tender and some of the hair holding on is very painful and sensitive to the touch. She stopped because it was hurting me so much. I knew I should've brought a bottle of champagne with me!

Now, there are two main comparisons for my shorn head. A nun in a black and white 1960's french film or the women in the old Charlie's Angels episode where Cheryl Ladd was kidnapped by a maniac who kidnapped pretty women, made them wear burlap robes and sheared off their hair. Either way you look at it, it isn't pretty. I'd like the remaining inch or so to be removed.

My head still hurts so, I'm sitting here with nothing covering it. So ugly. But, I'm in the house and Todd and the cats are just stuck with it.

We're going for a walk later. I think it shall be the hat hair and baseball cap. HOT!

Hair Removal: Part 1 of 2

Today is the day.

When I showered this morning, the deluge began. I tried to catch some of the clumps and throw them in the trash can so they wouldn't clog the drain completely. What a milestone: my final shampoo and conditioner for around three months. How much will I save in shampoo and conditioner costs? Highlights? Haircuts?

You, who have chosen to follow along my journey cannot escape what I saw this morning. Sorry. This is the sink after combing out my hair after the shower. Pretty powerful stuff. What is that old cliche? A picture is worth a thousand words?

I'll definitely be saving in waxing and shaving. Not to be too personal but, it is all part of the process. Being half-Mediterranean, I've always fantasized about not having any hair below my nose-line. And, spent a lot of money to remove said hair. My little sideburns pulled right out. My eyebrows and eyelashes seem unscathed for now. They better stay. Or else.

I do realize that this means the chemo drugs are killing the rapidly dividing cells. Is that the silver lining?

I went to the cat house at Petco this morning with my remaining hair carefully pulled up into a little twist. And, I mean little. I'd lean forward and feel the clip shift slightly and was again afraid that the whole thing would just drop off. Lucky for me and the kitties that didn't happen.

The cats seem to know I've got issues. Each one sniffed my eyelashes, brows and hairline and gave me a little kiss. They were all very sweet and mellow with me today. I love my fellow volunteers! McCabe, another volunteer, brought me some beautiful healing rocks and I finally picked up a CD that Kate, another volunteer, had made for me. Music to dissipate anger.

Currently, I don't feel angry. I cannot pinpoint my emotional state. I am ready to rip the remaining mop off my head. The molting is, simply put, gross. My heart is racing a bit, perhaps my adrenaline is up, a thread of anticipation to just get this part completed.

I appreciate everyone's comments and confidence that I will look beautiful bald or with various headcoverings. The jury is still out. We'll have to see apres-shearing today. I will take photos.

I can confirm that I look like a 65 year old gypsy who should be leading a donkey, with water buckets over her shoulders, with the scarf. Trust me. And, for anyone who remembers my hair senior year at Oakton High School or in the spiral perm days of the late 1980s, you do know what a difference hair can make!!

Bring on the buzzer. I'm ready.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow....

This photo is from the wig party we went to back in September. Who knew wigs would become such a big topic in my life?

I was smart to not take my hair out of the Pippi braids all day yesterday. No more trauma. I was not equipped to resist hysteria.

I had no choice this morning. I had to wash the hair before I went to teach. Combing my hair, very gently mind you, resulted in it coming out in clumps. Whereas yesterday, about 20 strands would come out at a time, this morning it was more like 50-60. It felt like I was, once again, starring in a horror movie and couldn't escaoe. I held the hair in my hand, staring blindly at it before dropping it in the trash can.

In the shower, I gently used the special shampoo that Anaise sent me, especially formulated for cancer patients. I conditioned my rapidly depleting locks. Despite my carefulness, my hair continued to fall out. Whipping open the shower curtain, I happened to glance down and screamed at what appeared to be a tarantula crouched on my hip. The positive: it wasn't a poisonous spider. The negative: it was enough hair to convince me otherwise, if only for a second.

You'd think with all the shedding that I would have bald patches. No. My hair just looks really thin. With care, I slowly rebraided my hair. This seemed to be the safest mode for preservation. I don't think I cried. I don't remember.

The speed of the molting convinced me that I couldn't wait until Sunday to buzz it off. It has to be tomorrow. I cannot endure two more days. And, who knows, I might have a bald spot by then. For some reason, more of the pretty blonde strands have exited and the grays are holding on tenaciously. It figures. The grays started showing up back when I was in law school and up until now, I've done a pretty darn good job of camouflaging them. Wow, no secrets anymore.

I taught my 10:35am Frogs class and it was fantastic. Love the yogis!! The room was saturated in beautiful, strong, calming energy. Thank you for providing this solace for me. I almost lost my composure a few times because when I'd bend over to demo a pose, my braids would shift with me. I was terrified one was going to just fall off and plop onto someone's mat. You know, like how in those zombie movies a limb would just drop?

I've summoned the troops to accompany me to Patti's house for the buzzing and wig fitting. Angie and Joanna are making the journey down from LA and some of the local girls are coming as well. I'm going to have to consume some liquid courage, most likely in the form of mimosas, prior to doing the actual deed. I just pray that I can handle this part of it with dignity. Doubt it.

Patti promises to custom fit my wig so that I can walk out the door with hair. I trust her implicitly. She is such an angel and as she is a survivor, she understands. My wig will look great and I'll feel fine. My hat hair will also be cute and I can mimic my Pippi braids with a baseball cap for working out.

Monday, I'm meeting with Lois, my acupuncturist and her mother, who does hypnotherapy. The original purpose was to give me some tools for handling this depression that won't stop knocking on my door but, I'm going to ask if she can suggest to me that bald is beautiful while I'm under.

It can't hurt.

Shedding strands...

What a ride. The last few days have been intense.

The good side: it was Todd's birthday yesterday, as evidenced by him sitting in front of the Happy Birthday bag. We went to lunch at Claire's on Cedros. Claire's, besides having an excellent name, has excellent food and a charming, cottage-like ambiance. Later, we spent a quiet evening at home, toasting Todd's turning 41 with a Newton 2001 Cabernet Sauvignon that had been comfortably resting on its side for the last five years. It was my first taste of wine since chemo. I am happy to report that it went down smoothly.

Teaching continues to go well. I am grateful to have such a positive world in which to immerse myself, if only on a limited schedule. Glimmers of panic pop up intermittently that I am not in position to grow my business. In January, I was poised to expand my clientele, to maximize my new role as Lululemon Ambassador, to host a retreat, and to film some workouts for ExerciseTV. And, now? Holding pattern. Medical bills are rolling in and although my insurance is excellent, it doesn't cover everything. Scary.

Physically, I continue to feel better each day. No nap today! I did sit by the pool for about an hour and my skin didn't react negatively to the sun, as they cautioned me could be a chemo side-effect. Slathered in sunscreen, armed with Twilight: finally some relief. I'd realized that I'd read the other books in the series twice and had neglected to read the original more than once. Quelle horror! For some reason, I can just check out with this story. Anything that works.

I desperately need to escape. Why was I feeling so distraught last night and this morning? I've started shedding. When I comb my hair, several strands slip out in the comb. I'm talking four times the usual shedding that occurs. Mind you, I don't have a lot of hair. Seeing twenty at a time exiting at an alarming rate does not make for a positive attitude.

I know it is temporary. I know that this too shall pass. But, this may be the worst part so far. I'd even take that doctor slicing up my liver a few weeks ago again over this. Hair is important. Geez, I'm the girl who in high school had a terrible perm and haircut and literally wouldn't leave the house for two weeks. My hair is a comfort zone for me.

I'm not the ideal candidate for baldness or rocking the bald head. I see others do it. I know it can be done. I respect the women who can carry it off. Is the hair the trigger that is setting me off or being bald that horrible. Or, both. I mean, I don't even wear hats, unless I'm in the sun. Adjustment time. I've got a wig and will have the hat hair but, bottom line my bald head will be a constant visible reminder of cancer.

Regardless of which part of this journey triggered my despair, I felt hopeless this morning. It all feels like too much to bear. A battle with no true end in sight. I'm struggling with the contradiction of living day by day and consoling myself with these side-effects being only temporary. I feel like I'm missing out on living each day to the fullest. I feel caged. Restrained. Frustrated.

How to handle these up and downs?

I'm going to try more acupuncture for the depression/anxiety that I cannot seem to control. I'm going to remind myself of all the love and support that I'm blessed enough to have surrounding me. Nonetheless, with each passing day, I increasingly feel isolated.

My friend suggested planning something fun in conjunction with each chemo round so that I have something to look forward to. Ever since I ran the animal rescue in LA, I've dreamed of visiting the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah. Todd and I began researching a trip in May, prior to Round 4. You get to volunteer with the animals all day and you can even take a dog for an "overnight" to stay with you while you are there. I am so excited at the prospect of going and just interacting with and helping the animals for a few days. Animals calm me.

I hope we go.

A pretty good day

I'm so happy to be back to teaching this week. It feels great to be around all the positive, healthy people! I am blessed to be able to teach others and focus exclusively on them for a while. And, it helps me keep the demons at bay. I feel the depression lapping at the edges constantly now.

Then, I met Nancy, who is also going through treatment, at the lagoon for a walk. I won't call it a power walk because my pace wasn't there but, it felt great anyways. Batiquitos lagoon is truly magical. It is comforting to be able to vent with someone who is going through the same unasked for journey. To commiserate. To empathize fully. We both have energy in the morning and crash in the afternoon.

My dance card was full today. Next, I met Meredith for lunch at Lotus Cafe. Meredith's lunch looked great, mine wasn't as tasty. I ordered the vegetarian chili and I'm just jaded. Randi's vegetarian chili is the bomb and nothing could compare. I now know better than to order it anywhere else. It was lovely to catch up with Meredith. I think she may have promised to make me homemade mac n cheese. Mer? Pretty please?

As nap-time now appears to be set for 2pm PST each day, I made my way home. And, took a nap. Actually, these afternoon naps are kind of like a dozing fest. I'm not sure how much actual sleep I get but, the cats are very pleased with my new habit. Finally! Mom gets it. No napping alone in this house.

Taught this evening at 6:15 and again, it was fabulous to be in the studio teaching. But, that's all I've got. I'm ready for bed. At 9:15pm, Todd's already there. What's his excuse? It is his Birthday Eve and the sooner he sleeps, the sooner he is the official Birthday Boy.

No profound insights today. Just logging it in. One day at a time. This photo makes me nostalgic for last summer: tan, healthy with muscles.

Good enough to think

New Moon was excellent on the third viewing last night. Love it. Maybe I'll watch it again tonight.

The last few days have been interesting. Physically, I feel significantly better. I have a lot of energy in the morning and then around 2pm I crash for a few hours. Hard. The only problem with not having such a huge focus on the physical body is the shift to the mental and emotional bodies.

Time to think.

Time to feel.

Time to consider what's been happening the last few months. What is going to happen over the next several months. Yoga is all about living in the present. Harmonizing the physical, mental and emotional selves. Well, it is a lot easier said than done on a full-time basis. I was able to be present in my Yoga for Cancer workshop this weekend. When I exercise or am immersed in an activity, I can be fully present. Unfortunately, I cannot do yoga or pilates or walk all my waking hours.

What I've discovered? It is not a challenge to slip into darkness. Yesterday was rough. My mind keeps circling back to the fact that I absolutely do not want to go through 5 more rounds, 5 more weeks of feeling terrible, and although I've committed to going through with it, the resistance continues to rise. I don't want to play anymore.

One thing I've been told repeatedly is that I'll know who my true friends are and aren't. I've discovered that I have more friends than I ever realized. It is very warming to my heart. Most people have been incredibly sensitive to the fact that I'm not going to be "Claire" all the time. They are empathetic with my limited abilities to interact. I've got zero ability to do more than keep it together on a day to day basis. I'll keep trying my best.

Excited to be teaching again this week. I'll be teaching two weeks on/one week off for chemo and recovery. It will be a gift to be immersed in my passion again after a week off. Day by day.

Sunday

Cancer sucks.

New Moon is here!!

I am finally feeling normal. I had half a cup of coffee this morning without any evil repercussions. No medications for two days straight. Well, except for the sleeping pill and that doesn't count. My body is finally not being hammered with chemicals. I can swallow my herbal supplements.

And, I don't need to just eat potatoes. That aspect is bittersweet. It will be an every third week potato and ginger ale diet. Back to the vegetables and clean eating while my stomach can handle it.

The way I see it, I've got two weeks to work out and eat right to prepare for the second onslaught of chemo on April Fools Day. Perhaps with this pattern, I can maintain. Cautiously optimistic.

The Yoga for Cancer Therapy training is wonderful. We've started both sessions with a restorative yoga class. I'm not accustomed to using bolsters and blocks and straps. This is a new area of yoga for me and I like it! I also think that I'll enjoy sharing it with others. My brain is a bit full so, tonight isn't the night that I will disseminate what I've learned. We've got another session tomorrow and another full weekend on April 2nd.

The course is bringing up a lot of emotions for me. When it was my turn to introduce myself to the others last night, I couldn't do it without tears. This morning, I woke up crying. I can't recall the last time I cried. The first month I would wake up, climb in the shower, bawl my eyes out and then proceed with the day. Perhaps I am reaching a new stage in this process. Return to emotion?

Today is a good day. A few times, I almost forgot that I had cancer.

In fact, I had a long stretch this evening where it didn't cross my mind. New Moon was released today and I, of course, had to buy the 3 disc Deluxe Edition. Overjoyed, I drove home from Target with my prize, changed into comfy sweats and parked myself on the couch to enjoy. No distractions.

All you Twilight doubters and haters, stop! I love, love, love the books and movies and nothing you can say will change my mind. Anyone who has had a broken heart or an unrequited love gets it. Two hours of sheer bliss.

Time to put in Disc 2, with the 6 part documentary and interviews with Muse. Or, should I put in Disc 3 with Deleted scenes and Interview with the Volturi. Or, maybe I should save one for tomorrow.

Decisions, decisions.

Breast Cancer and Yoga: things that make you go Hmmmm?

I'm excited to be starting my Yoga for Cancer Therapy training at Prana Yoga Center in La Jolla tonight. I was reading my pre-assigned homework for this weekend's training and it gave rise to many questions that I would love answered.

An interesting article called Re-Examining Breast Health by Joanna Colwell, suggests that yoga can help you optimize the health of your breasts. The frustrating thing is that all the experts agree that they cannot specifically tell you why you personally got breast cancer. Was it environmental factors? genes? lifestyle? Just being a woman who has breasts? That seems to be the one connecting factor.

The agreed upon primary factors:

You are a Woman.

You have boobs.

Family History--Mother and/or sister: check...but, why did THEY get it?

Lifetime exposure to Estrogen: early onset of menstruation, number of pregnancies, breastfeeding.

Alcohol: 1 drink a day ups risk by 40% (how in the world did they come up with this number??? Reported by people who get breast cancer? by people who kept a log for their entire adult lives of each and every drink? how accurate is that?)

High exposure to Radiation: chest x-rays, radioactive fallout

Stress: okay. Again, how measured?

It seems to me that most of these factors are out of our control. How old we were when Are You There Got Its Me Margaret became a reality? being born a female? hmmm....it all seems so vague. And, while the experts can say things like, a plant-based diet can help protect against cancer, they cannot say, she got breast cancer because she was a vociferous carnivore. There is no clear profile of a breast cancer victim. Woman with breasts. That's it.

Before I get myself all worked up, I do agree that having a lifestyle where stress is minimized and healthy diet and exercise, including yoga are emphasized, can be helpful in disease prevention. I can see it with heart disease, for example. I live that lifestyle.

Here are the questions I have and part of what I hope to learn in the connection between yoga and cancer in general.

How did I, who left the legal profession, then quit my high-stress corporate sales job to immerse myself in teaching yoga full-time, get breast cancer?

Was 20 years of birth control use a factor?

How can yoga help? I understand how it can help while going through treatment: reducing stress, boosting the immune system, stimulating the glands, encouraging lymphatic flow, calming the nervous system. But, how can it help before cancer hits? Does anything we do really prevent cancer? Can we ever know?

Did my car accident in December 2007, that culminated in an artificial cervical disc replacement surgery in 2008 cause this cancer? Did the continual disruption of my yoga practice contribute? Maybe the x-rays and MRI of my neck caused breast cancer? Maybe taking out a disc and replacing it with a titanium and polymer one caused breast cancer? Maybe the stress of it all? Will I ever know?

I look forward to delving into this discussion. I also look forward to some nice meditation tonight.

Humbled and Embarrassed.....

by the grocery shopping trip and the reasons behind it.

Spoiler to all my healthy, nutrition-savvy, holistic friends: I had to do it. I had to buy this stuff. Really. And, I've already started eating it.

So, I slinked into the grocery store incognito with sunglasses firmly in place. If one of my students saw me, it would be like the time I got caught red-handed at In-n-Out burger with a double-double at 10:30am. Or at Wine Steals with syrah-stained lips and the remains of a 4-cheese pizza. I had to be stealthy.

Yesterday, the nurse advised me to go for the bland, "d" diet. No fiber. No whole-grains. Sodium to help with dehydration. Basically the opposite of healthy eating. I was actually going for sodium, which I avoid at all costs because I blow up like a puffer fish when I eat any salt. Soft, moist foods for my upset tummy.

My shopping cart: (copied from receipt for accuracy):

Jello Vanilla Pudding
Applesauce
Thomas' English Muffins (white)
2 Baking Potatoes
Tub of "shedd spread" Mashed Potatoes
Can of Chicken with Rice soup (white rice)
Zantac
Bananas
Haagen-Daaz Low Fat Frozen Vanilla Yogurt
Ginger Snaps (ginger good for tummy)
Organic Low-fat Chocolate Milk (not recommended but, I extrapolated)
Rold Gold Pretzels

There is a method to this madness. Let me explain.

This week has been challenging, to put it mildly. One minute I feel okay and then BOOM, something else hits me. Now, my bone pain seems better, just a moderate headache. I can handle that. I've also got some new preventative tips for next go-round with the Neulasta shot. I cannot go through that type of pain again. Won't, shan't, can't.

Yesterday morning I taught my Pilates Group Reformer class and felt a step above okay. My stomach wasn't steady and I felt like I had a bout of stomach flu. Nonetheless, after teaching, I got on the reformer to attempt a mini-workout. That lasted 10 minutes and I was pooped. And, a little dizzy from being on my back. Humbling....

Next, I stopped to get some veggie juice and dropped into Lululemon Carlsbad for a quick "hello." Within a matter of minutes, my energy level plummeted. Not fast enough for me to escape without the brand new, fabulous Lululemon White Denim Jacket. When I put it on, I instantly felt healthier and prettier. All that in a jacket. As evidenced by the above photo!

I returned home and promptly lay down for what appears to now be a habitual daily nap. My tummy continued to give me trouble. Can I be more euphemistic?

Did I forget to mention the little tidbit about buying a bottle of Mylanta on Tuesday night? And that I chugged it out of the bottle in the Vons parking lot? Do not put keys in ignition. Do not pass go. Do nothing before opening the bottle and gulping it down as fast as possible! If I did mention it, it is worth repeating. Who am I these days? Is chugging Mylanta worse than chugging Mikes Hard Lemonade after the breast biopsy? Methinks yes. Less dignity.

After napping intermittently throughout the afternoon, I dragged myself up to teach my evening Pilates Group Reformer class. My stomach had other plans for me and I had to excuse myself a few times during class. Not embarrassing at all. Not one bit.

One of my students dropped off an amazing dinner for me at Frogs, and I promptly hightailed it home to share it with my friend Kirsten. It was absolutely delicious but, I don't think my stomach appreciated any invasion that was not a clear broth, ginger ale or absolutely white and fiberless.

Let's just say that my evening deteriorated to a point where I had a temperature of 99.7 degrees (100.5 means hospital), and absolutely no respite in sleep. At around midnight, I had to call and leave messages to have my morning yoga classes covered because there was no way I was getting out of bed, much less walking and talking. I just prayed that I wouldn't have to go to the hospital. I think I nodded off at 3am.

After speaking to the nurses a few times, I was advised to go on an extremely bland, white food, soft, fiber-FREE diet for a while. Potentially throughout treatment.

So, all of my virtuous pursuits into vegetables are on hold for a little while. Nothing that could upset the delicate organ that is my new stomach. The stomach that has been decimated by chemotherapy, pain meds, sleeping meds, steroids, anti-nausea meds, at least 10 different natural supplements and probably is just a gaping hole in my mid-section.

Time for dinner! Mashed potatoes, chocolate milk (organic) and some vanilla pudding for dessert.

OUCH......spoke a little too soon....

You know sometimes when something seems to good to be true?

I must admit that I was feeling a bit virtuous this weekend at how well I was handling my first chemotherapy. Perhaps I was even a little self-righteous. Look at me: I'm eating right, I'm doing acupuncture, I'm going on walks and I don't feel too bad. Side-effects: piece of cake. I can handle this, no problem. Laa-dee-daaa.

Well, that didn't last. Sunday evening came crashing down around my ears in the form of a big fat Bone Pain Bat over the head. Whoever named it something as innocuous as Bone Pain should be punished. Must come up with a new name.

A more accurate description: jaws of death gripping the back of the skull and pulverizing said skull into dust. Slow, inexorable crushing of the bones in a vice. Does anyone recall that scene with Joe Pesci from Goodfellas? Every single bone being crunched between pliers. Not just a "bone" but, I'm talking the back of the skull, each vertebra, every tiny bone...throughout my entire body.

Now, I do recall my sister telling me that she'd experienced Bone Pain after her chemotherapy treatments. I apparently had no clue what she meant. I've had issues with my back, neck, knees and know what it feels like for the joints to ache or grind or hurt....Naively, I assumed my sister had aches like arthritis or a headache. Silly silly me.


BONE PAIN DRAMATIZATION:
The Bone Pain gripped me in its clutches and twisted so hard that it forced me to my knees. It started with a migraine headache: that spike behind your eyes and pressure that makes it impossible to open your eyes fully. Imagine that spike extending down your neck, spearing along your collarbones and shoulder blades before inexorably creeping down to your lower back. With relentless intensity, the pressure grew. I tried shifting to different positions to avoid the pain in one area. A fleeting respite and then the pain resurfaced in a new locale. Repeat.

Can you tell I couldn't sleep Sunday? I get dramatic when I don't sleep. I threw a vicodin at the BP, who chuckled at my paltry efforts. Feeling like I'd been drawn and quartered, I had to drag myself to teach pilates yesterday morning. Luckily, my two clients are kind and forgiving and experienced. I had to have the rest of my schedule covered.

After returning from Frogs, I took a Percocet AND an Ativan because I was feeling nauseous too. Take that Bone Pain!!!! Finally, I slipped into a semi-coma for four hours and escaped the unbearable pain.

Let's just say Monday was a waste. I did learn that Claritin is often given to help counteract the effects of the Neulasta BONE PAIN. I bought some yesterday, this is getting expensive, and I'm not sure if it helped too much. Next time, I know to take the Claritin pre-Neulasta shot. I'll also go to acupuncture for the bone pain too, since it worked so well for the nausea.

Note to self: do not get pompous about how well you are handling cancer treatment. I will be prepared for Round 2. Hopefully, no more surprises. Round 2 comes with a wig..

This week I will focus on more friends, family, yoga, laughter and love to keep me floating on. And, I'm hoping to wake up in the morning sans the BP.

Apres-Chemo Day 3: Beautiful San Diego

What an amazing day in San Diego!

Lissa picked me up and took me for a walk with Maxwell, her perfect, handsome, big, black dog. We went to one of my favorite spots, the Batiquitos Lagoon. It is a verdant green sanctuary with subtle breezes, breathtaking views of pelicans, egrets, ducks and the water. And best of all, a veritable parade of dogs on their Sunday strolls. Fabulous. For both Maxwell and us!

All that fresh air stirred up an appetite. For some reason, I very specifically craved spaghetti with meat sauce and salad. Interesting that I am craving red meat as I cannot recall the last time I had it. Maybe my red blood cells are crying out for some iron? I really want my dad's spaghetti. He makes the best! Memories of comfort food. Success: Todd and I made the above-referenced wonderful dinner and ate every bite.

Washing my hair today was an odd experience. For some reason, my hair, my teeth and my skin feel weird. I was kind of expecting for a chunk of hair to come out in my hands as I was shampooing. I am trying to prevent my mind from wandering in that direction. I plan on having my girls on SOS emergency dial when that chunk emerges. I know it will be time to head down to Patti's and get my wig. I think that I will freak out.

Who am I kidding? I know that I will freak out. I feel like I've got a handle right now. The minute my baby fine strands exit stage left.....well, the howl will be heard around the globe. And, those of you familiar with the power of these vocal chords, that is not an exaggeration.

We'll see.

I am hoping that the worst is behind me and that all of the horrid tests, scans, surgeries, pokes, pulls, tugs, hog-tying and indignities of the last few months are over. Five more chemo sessions. April 1, April 22, May 13, June 3 and JUNE 24. I'm ready to be done.

I have a trip to Australia to plan after all this time-consuming cancer business.

Apres-Chemo Day 2: still rolling....

Rolling a little bit slowly but, rolling along nonetheless. Today was the final day of the "E" drug for nausea. I think the nausea wagon is closing its doors this evening. It really hasn't been bad at all. Two analogies for you depending upon your style: slight hangover or very mild flu.

I whiled away a happy morning back at the Rescue House Cat Adoption center at Petco Encinitas. Two fun-filled hours playing with the kitties, snuggling, cleaning up and feeding them. It is so relaxing for me. Again, that joy of doing something that has nothing to do with me and only helps the cats have a better experience before they get adopted. I was thrilled to be back. Lovely way to start my weekend.

I must confess I needed a nap post-cat house but, that is okay. The nap was followed by a walk on the beach with my man. Ocean air is a cure-all. I'm definitely keeping up on the daily walks post-treatment. Not exactly a workout but, it feels like it is helping move these medicines through my system faster. Faster is better. Faster means that when Monday morning dawns, I'll pop out of bed and be ready to go.

Or, slink out of bed. Semantics.

That's all I've got. I'm tired and my head is hurting a bit. Time to go to bed and Spring Forward! More sunshine. Love it.

Apres-Chemo Day 1: so far, so good

Nothing dramatic today. Yippee. Now, I've heard that the first 24 hours aren't bad and if you are going to hit by some fatigue or pain, it starts Days 2-4. We'll see.
I'm optimistic that I'll breeze through.

I did feel a bit nauseous when I woke up and took my steroids and the E nausea drug. I skipped my usual cup of coffee for some green tea. After a shower, Todd walked me around the neighborhood for 22 minutes. It felt great to be outside in the fresh air. I still feel like a wobbly colt but, it was nice to move. So far, so good.

Then, I headed in for a session of acupuncture prior to receiving my Neulasta shot. Once again, Lois managed to calm my stomach down in a matter of minutes. She also added a needle that is supposed to help with the negative impact on the white blood cell counts from the chemo drugs. This acupuncture is going to be my saving grace.

The Neulasta shot was sharp but short. Margarita said that possible side effects of the shot include bone pain. Let's hope I skip that. I do have enough vicodin to supply a major Hollywood premiere, just in case.

More of my mundane little day: CVS to pick up my thermometer as I now need to monitor my temperature daily. If it exceeds 100.5, I need to call the doctor. Tea tree oil for my finger nails, which may change color. I'm not sure what that means. Will they turn black? or green? Hmmmm.....not promising. I prefer Mademoiselle pink by Essie. Heavy duty moisturizer to prevent the dryness and possible flakiness that may arise. Finally, Big bottle of Biotene Dry Mouth rinse because all three drugs cause dry mouth which can result in mouth sores and stomatitis. Yes, let us avoid that. Gross. Apparently, you can't get any dental work during chemotherapy treatment.

Took a nap and Todd made me get up for Walk #2. This one was about 15 minutes but, definitely a good idea. Dinner next. Leftovers from our delicious meal from last night. Marianne: you rock! I do feel a bit queasy and took another anti-nausea pill.(not related to dinner!!):)

So, saying that the day after my first chemotherapy was uneventful must be considered a success. I consider it a victory. I'm planning on getting up and going to Rescue House for my cat volunteering session. Always great therapy! Tomorrow will be fine too.

Thanks for all the great comments. You guys are keeping me lifted up on a cloud of light and love. I'm so blessed and grateful.

Chemo Infusion #1...5 to go

I was really amped up this morning. I didn't sleep well because of the steroids from last night. Then, I had to take two more prior to leaving. I was extremely anxious about what was about to happen. Luckily, I headed to acupuncture before the hospital.

Lois used acupuncture to help lower my stress level and to temper the nausea I was already experiencing. It worked! I felt like a different person after leaving her office. Todd immediately noticed how my face had calmed down.

I was well prepared and settled into my recliner, snuggled into my bamboo throw. My chemo nurse's name is Margarita. Like the drink. She is awesome. She explained what was going to transpire for treatment, reviewed potential side effects, and made recommendations for how to handle them. She included a few tidbits I didn't care for: no more manicure/pedicure through chemo because of putting feet in the tubs and possibility for infection. NO! What if I bring my own sterilizer? How will the toes survive?

Back to the skinny on chemo treatment #1. So, we started with the "A" drug. Some call it the Red Devil due to the scarlet color. She set up the IV and had to administer it manually through the tube because it is important not to let it flow too quickly. Drug "A" comes with a popsicle to keep the mouth cool. Note the photo: magazine, popsicle, ipod, Twilight journal for notes. I was all set. Not bad.

Drug 2 was "C", she walked away and allowed it to flow into my veins for an hour. It was fine. Compared to the other tests, like the MRIs and Liver Biopsy, it was a piece of cake. So far, so good.

Before I forget: got the results on the liver biopsy. Surprise, surprise: it was "non-diagnostic" meaning that they cannot say from the biopsied tissue whether it is cancer or not. Non-conclusive. So, all of that for naught. CT and PET scan, MRI with Eovist, Liver Biopsy and nothing. So, now we'll just track it on CT scan to see if it grows. I wish I'd just told them to skip that liver biopsy. I'm sure it is nothing.

By this point, I was getting cocky and sending off texts and emails about how much easier chemo was than what I've already endured. Oops.

The minute she started Drug #3 the Taxotere (T), I immediately felt my temperature escalate , saw spots swim before my eyes, and most alarmingly: my throat started closing up. Horrifying feeling. She had to come stop it, changed the drip to benadryl, followed by a clear saline. This added another 40 minutes to the treatment. She then restarted the T at a slower pace and it went okay. I sure hope that doesn't happen again.

I've got a dizzying assortment of anti-nausea, anti-fatigue drugs. One of them cost $87 for the three day dosage. Times 6. Crazy that is all the insurance covers on it because it is new.

I felt tired. We went to Swamis for an acai bowl, which was yummy. When we finally got home, lay down for a nap for a few hours. When I awoke, I walked like a newborn colt. Very wobbly and tentative. But, okay. Our first dinner delivery from Marianne arrived. Wow! It was delicious. Fresh pasta with tomatoes, mozzarella, basil, balsamic, complimented by spinach salad and sinful brownies. Yum!

Right now, just feeling sleepy and my stomach is a little bit off. Not too bad.

Return tomorrow for the Neulasta shot and am hoping I will feel fine. I may do acupuncture again to deal with the jumpy belly.

I'm glad it is over and now I know what to expect, at least for the treatments. How the next few days will unfold remain a mystery. I'm approaching it with optimism. I will get through this with flying colors. Yes.

I received two wonderful gifts in the mail: beautiful flowers from my little sis Sue and a "slanket", which looks like a big pink snuggie. I love it!! Who sent it? There was a no card.

G'night.

Chemo Eve, Post Liver-biopsy.....a bit of a "day"

Shiny new Tang orange Lululemon bag packed:

Bamboo soft throw to snuggle into: check
New In Touch and In Style magazines: check
March by Geraldine Brooks: check
Ipod and Ipod with movies: check
Earphones (almost forgot!): check

Chemotherapy at 8am sharp. Pre-chemotherapy acupuncture at 7am. I've been trying not to freak out all day but, it has been a challenge. I started on the 3 days of steroids and that did not enhance my usual angelic patience while sitting in traffic on the 5 this morning. Compounding my stress: the liver biopsy yesterday may go down as the worst procedure to date.

There is a reason I didn't post last night. Residual pain and nausea from the "twilight" sedation and vicodin and the needles that entered into my right lower rib cage. The Amazing Angie drove down after training her clients in Hollywood to take me to the hospital. We left at 12:30. Admittance, more blood work, entry into a shared room with curtains between the patients. The doctor was supposed to do the procedure at 3pm but, didn't come to my partition until 4:22. So, I lay there in the bed, with an IV in my arm for over two hours waiting.

When he finally arrived, he went over to the man across the way saying hello to Mr. Petretti. I was a tad bit worried. I was yelling "Over here, Ms. Petretti over here!!" Finally, the nurse got him and we got down to business.

He confirmed Dr. K's concerns that he might not be able to see the spot on the CT scan and if so, we couldn't do the biopsy. I informed him that I was visualizing that as the case and that I'd prefer to skip the biopsy, thank you very much. I preferred to leave prior to him sampling some of my liver. Liver, liver, liver. With fava beans and a fine chianti. I need to banish that visual!

I was wheeled in for the CT scan without sedation. Ah, the novelty. No, my feet were not taped together like in the bone scan. No, my boobs did not have slots in which to rest. No, I wasn't injected with radioactive isotopes or dye. So far, so good.

Instead, I was face down with my arms overhead. It was very uncomfortable due to the 2nd lumpectomy 11 days ago. And, the lymph node incision. And, my artificial disc in my neck. To add insult to injury, the nurse stuffed little plastic tubes of oxygen up my nose. The piece de resistance was taping together my wrists over my head with an ace bandage. As I looked over at the tech team, two nurses and the doctor were watching me from behind a big glass window; let's just say I felt a little odd.

Oh yes, they told me to make sure not to move. Ummm, how would I? They also had a strap over my legs. Again, liver with fava beans and a fine chianti. Ick.

Dr. N came over and told me that he could do the biopsy. Bring on the twilight sedation. Not full anesthesia but, apparently it gives you amnesia. I haven't forgotten the indignities of the position but, I don't recall him sticking the biopsy needle into my back four times and taking small pieces of my precious LIVER out. I definitely felt it. And, I can still feel it. I got two vicodin afterwards and I wonder why I've felt sick and terrible all day? The biopsy spot hurts a lot.

No, we don't have the results yet. Dr. K told the path lab to page her when they arrive. I spoke to her today and I think she is incredible. Whoever told me that she was kind of "stern" missed out because she told me a semi-racy joke today. Hilarious. Maybe she feels comfortable with me. I trust her implicitly, which feels good on chemo eve.

I also had my post-op appointment and the margins were clear on the second lumpectomy and I don't see the surgical team for 6 months of so! Yay, my dance card is emptying out. If I just have to go to chemo every three weeks, it will seem like heaven. I should have my own reserved spot at Scripps after the last few months. I've literally been there almost every single day. How refreshing to have some time to myself again?

Let's see: positive and silver lining. Well, I was thrilled to receive the proofs from my Lululemon Ambassador shoot from last month. Yippee! Shooting at the break of dawn was definitely worth it. The light, the sky, the setting, the colors all turned out beautifully. It was a wonderful distraction yesterday to pore over looking for my favorites, knowing that soon I'll be up on the wall at the Lululemon Carlsbad! I look strong and healthy in all the photos. And my hair doesn't look half bad either. HA!

Also, feeling very grateful for the continued support from everyone. Please keep it coming. Believe it of not, I think I'm getting to the tough part. I think chemo will be a breeze after all the tests but, I'm not going to be happy to feel fatigued, sick and bald. I am not going to get very sick, I am going to teach as much as I can and I am going to get through this. June 24th is the last chemo date. Bring it on!

Five Finger Forehead

Day One of a very long week is winding down. Appointment with Dr. K to discuss the next 18 weeks of treatment. We set up all of the dates and that gives me a small measure of relief. Or control. Or, shall I say, apparent control.

Three vials of blood given. Another ode to my beautiful veins. Apparently, I am the dream destination for any needle or IV. Big, healthy veins. Who knew they'd become such an attribute?

Met with the fantastic Patti at her home salon and found my new hair. She was so sweet, clever and helpful. Her specialty is working with cancer patients and she made my day. She'll customize the wig, making the hairline natural and give me the gift of not looking too different.

Also, we made a startling discovery: I don't have an abnormally large head after all! My head circumference is actually a little smaller than average although my forehead is bigger. Much bigger. I have a Five Finger Forehead as opposed to the normal Three Finger Forehead.

We also ordered a piece that is made to go under a baseball cap or hat and be cooler and super-realistic looking. I think that I'll be going the scarf route for teaching yoga. Now, I need to find some cool Hawaiian print scarves and learn how to tie them. Don't have a clue....I also need some assistance hat shopping!

I left Patti's feeling a little lighter. What a blessing. One less thing to stress over.

Three days until the first "C" treatment. All filled with appointments. I'm not going to list out the rest of the appointments leading up to 8am Thursday morning. I'm going to practice taking this day by day.

Tuesday is Liver biopsy. Maybe. If the head of Interventional Radiology can find the teeny liver spot on the CT scan, he will attempt the biopsy. I hope that he can't see it because I really am dreading them digging into my liver. My friend Angie is coming down from Hollywood to take me to the hospital and I hope we get to leave early, go for a hike and eat a yummy dinner instead. A girl can dream.

What started out as a challenging Monday ended on a positive note with Todd cooking me a healthy, delicious dinner. Even though he is in trouble for not finishing his broccoli.

A beautiful respite...

Sunday night of the "big" week. I'm starting to completely, totally freak out about starting chemotherapy this week. I've got my long list of natural supplements to buy prior to starting so I can enhance the positive effects and help negate the rest. It is really, really long. And not a little overwhelming. I want a rewind. A redo. I don't want this week to start. Strange feeling.

This weekend was perfect. Better than I could have imagined. Lissa and Kirsten treated me to a relaxing, fun, girly weekend. The drive out to the desert was easy and we rejoiced each time the temperature gauge in the car inched up another degree. We pulled up to the Viceroy and entered the modern doorway into our magical weekend kingdom.

Our room was beautiful, very retro-hip, with a South of France feel. Fashionista Kirsten taught me how to tie a sarong and although it was complicated for me, I think I got it right. Multi-talented Lissa played bartender, stirring up the requisite fruity drinks to enjoy by the pool. We sashayed out the sliding doors directly to the pool. My fantasy of reclining by the pool, with a fruity drink was enhanced by my companions.

Laughter, sunshine, warmth, good friends: recipe for complete relaxation. We didn't pretend that the cancer didn't exist but, for the weekend, it stayed in the background.

After a wonderful Red Carpet Facial (I am watching the Oscars on the couch with Todd and Jake after all), we enjoyed the late afternoon and got ready for what would be a very entertaining evening. Lissa, yes, the multitalented one also happens to be a make-up artist, hair stylist and photographer. Lucky Kirsten and me! We sat on the bathroom floor with our champagne and got beautiful. It felt like we were back in school: I forgot how much fun it can be to just spend hours with the girls, being girls. You know, back when you'd have so much fun getting ready, anticipating the night ahead and 9 times out of 10, it was the best part of the night.

The rest of the night lived up to the primping. We stayed within the walls of our magic Viceroy kingdom and headed to the lobby bar. We never had to leave our stools and were entertained for the rest of the evening. Yummy drinks, tasty food, colorful local characters and more good conversation. As evidenced by the photos! Simply fun.

We closed the evening back in the room and laid our pampered heads on the pillows, slumbering before the clock struck midnight. A perfect day.

We returned this morning after a tasty breakfast, poolside. I love this place!

From the bottom of my heart, thank you ladies for this escape. I haven't felt this relaxed in more than two months. I'll try to return to the feeling over and over as the future unfolds.

Locals Only: Make dinner for yours truly during treatment

Please see the note below and check out the link. You may need to cut and paste it. I feel a little funny but, I know I may be really pooped soon....so, here goes:

hi, my name is zoe and i've been friends with claire for over 10 years! all of us are concerned for claire and want to make the next few months as easy as possible on her and todd. we have put together a meal delivery schedule through www.foodtidings.com. please sign up and cook claire a meal! alleviate some of the stress and make sure she is fed healthy, yummy food to keep up her strength! please click on the link below and sign up for a day or two. we would like to fill up the first two months to get her covered and then if she continues to need our help we will schedule the last two months.

feel free to e-mail me with any questions: zoe.mohler@cox.net

Link:

http://www.foodtidings.com/SignUp.aspx?ScheduleGuid=48833af8-472d-49fb-a32d-581f979b9f7b

thank you for "being there" for claire. we all love her so much!

zoe

Palm Springs Eve, Cowardly Spot and my Favorite Photo Ever.

Totally unrelated photo: Todd and I photo-bombing at his sister's wedding reception. It was an awesome night and I laugh hysterically every time I see this picture.

I'm so excited for the girls' trip to the desert tomorrow. Escape with three amazing, strong, beautiful women. I don't care if it rains and we end up sitting on the couch drinking champagne and eating bon-bons, oops, I mean eating wheatgrass patties. With kale chasers.

Today was 90 percent excellent. 10 percent rough.

The Excellent: sleeping in late with my boyfriend for the first time that I can recall in recent history. Lovely, relaxing morning.

Meeting my friend Nikki for breakfast at St. Tropez, one of my favorite places on earth for breakfast. She is rocking her new life in Hollywood and I'm so proud and happy for her! When she is a famous movie actress, she will bring Robert Pattinson to me. Go Team Edward.

Taught my lovely 10:35am Frogs Encinitas yoga class. Love these people!! Such great energy. Got a true workout afterwards in the Pilates studio. It felt wonderful to have a full-body workout and feel my upper body strength beginning to return. One of the pilates students left me a moving card and a bamboo, comfy throw that is the softest thing I've ever felt. Thank you Lori for the kind words(although some who've known me longer might question the wholesome and innocent description but, I'll take it!) I will bring my blankie to chemo for sure!

Next stop, Lululemon Carlsbad for a visit with the ladies and Chaz and a little retail therapy, Ambassador style. Wonderful people, bright colors, fun styles and a pair of perfect comfy soft sweatpants. I felt awesome when I left. Thanks you guys!!! Also found out that the photo proofs will be here in the next few days. I can't wait to see them.

The Rough: So, a beautiful day, right? Well, the 10 percent was really rough. It is that pesky liver spot. Dratted liver spot. Begone liver spot. Or, at least stand up and identify yourself as a birthmark for goodness sake. PET, CT and MRI and you still won't admit you are a mole or birthmark. Coward.

Scripps called to schedule my liver biopsy for Tuesday afternoon. All afternoon. Check in at 1pm for blood work. Procedure at 3pm. Sedation as they are going to go in and biopsy the liver. That is, they will if they can find it on the ultrasound/CT scan. My fear is that I'll spend the whole day there and they still won't be able to identify it or biopsy it. Now I can't teach my yoga class Tuesday night or my Pilates class Wednesday morning, just in case the sedation is still affecting me on Wednesday morning.

Simply put, it feels like more lost time that I'll never get back. I hate missing out on my life. Even though these tests are now part of my life, I just don't want it to be all of my life. Four days of next week are booked with appointments and tests and the crowning glory: chemo.

Tomorrow is vacation! Nothing to do but relax and have fun for 48 whole hours. Bring it on!

Shades of Gray & Wig Shots of April & Lauren

April as a bottle blonde and Lauren as Pat Benatar...more photos from the wig shop!

Good news first: The Breast Cancer Gene test came back negative. Yay. No double mastectomy or ovary removal in my future.

Not so good news: Or, shall I say inconclusive news. The MRI results for the liver spot are in. My doctor called me and the MRI showed a 6mm spot (tiny) on my liver, confirming the CT and PET scan from last week. Unfortunately, nobody knows what it is. Her gut is that it isn't anything serious but, she cannot confirm that. She's been doing this a long time and I trust her judgment.

Worse case scenario: if it is the cancer spreading to my liver, that means it is "incurable." They can still do treatment but, they can never pronounce me "cured." Not quite sure what that means: a lifetime of gray area?

So, the head of radiology wants to do ANOTHER CT scan of my liver. Yes, the horrible one that requires 6 hours of fasting, a radioactive isotope and no movement for 45 minutes. He will do it personally and analyze it as we go. If he sees something on it real-time, he will do a biopsy. The problem is that the spot is so small, they aren't sure if they can biopsy it. The thought of a needle going into my liver for a biopsy chills me to the bone. Disgusting.

There is a 1 in 3 shot that they will be able to see something and biopsy it and my doctor thinks that I should try. At least we'd have an answer if it is a birthmark or a benign cyst. If they can't tell, we are just going to have to treat it as regular breast cancer as planned and keep checking back to see if it grows. If it grows, then it is cancer.

I'm choosing to believe it is a birthmark. I'll have the additional test next week but, we will stay with the plan of starting chemotherapy on Thursday the 11th. Part of me wants to skip the test. It sucked last time. Digging deep on the vocabulary today.

I'm absolutely, completely exhausted. Toast. I've lost track of the tests, appointments, injections and phone calls. I'm so thrilled that I've got no appointments tomorrow and then the weekend in Palm Springs with Lissa, Kir and Meredith. Three blissful days without having to be anywhere at a certain time. I have the best friends ever. And, not just because they take me places.

Must sleep. Must recharge.

Radioactive Bone Scans and Wig shopping

Whew, the last few days have been an absolute whirlwind. Tests, teaching, brow shaping, registering for the cancer yoga therapy training at Prana Yoga, wig shopping wth the girls....I am pooped.

Bone scan yesterday. I was injected with yet another radioactive isotope and had to let it cook for a few hours prior to being scanned. They continue to tell me that there are no lasting effects of the isotopes but, they did ask me if I was traveling or going to a federal building in the next few days. Just in case.

For some reason, after I reclined on the conveyor belt, Edgar the technician taped my feet together. Very odd. He flipped the switch and presto, I was rolling toward the machine. The top was very low and I felt certain that it would shave off the tip of my nose. Edgar assured me that it would not. Remember the old-fashioned magic shows where they insert the "assistant" into a box? Or, the old movies where the villain ties the helpless female to the railroad tracks? Both scenarios fit. I did emerge with my nose intact.

Teaching has been amazing this week. My yoga and pilates students rock and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to teach. I truly don't think I'd sane without it. Sanity being a relative term.

On a teaching note, I registered today to take a two-weekend workshop: Yoga for Cancer Therapy. Yes, I am taking it the weekend of March 19th and the weekend of April 2nd. Yes, I shall have my second chemo treatment on the 2nd. What better place for me to be that weekend than surrounded by healers? I can be the real-time guinea pig for how yoga can help. I feel that the training will be invaluable for me personally and who knows? I may end up using this training and journey to help others have an easier time.

After registering, I headed down to the wig store to meet Lissa, April and Lauren. I wanted this to be fun and play with it. The wig store is next to Hooters but, that is another story. I ended up feeling sick to my stomach. I think the radioactive injections are getting to me.

Trying on the wigs made me feel like I had an animal on my head. The best ones are human hair and cost upwards of $700. Yes, SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. 15% medical discount. It didn't feel as playful and fun as I had hoped. It was overwhelming.

The styles that were okay length and cut-wise weren't available in the color I wanted. I'm very visual so it was tough for me to picture the hair in the right color. The one wig that seemed okay was only in Marble Brown. See photo above. I can order it in Golden Wheat (with a $300 deposit) but, I only got to see a swatch of it. Kind of like when you go to Home Depot and buy paint based on the paint square. This is how our bedroom ended up sky blue instead of eggshell.

What did I learn today? I love my friends: thank you girls for your honesty, support and humor!

We established that I am never to have short hair. Especially a short bob. Ever. Even Veronica, the wig fitter ripped it off my head and ran to get a long one. Notice I am not posting that photo here.

I just don't know if I can do it. Frankly, I thought I looked better with the skull cap then any of the wigs. I'm going to go see a few women who do this specifically for cancer treatment: they hand sew them to fit, trim them, thin them, etc. Maybe it won't feel so weird.

Can I just hit rewind? I don't want to star in this movie anymore.

Pranayama and the Contrast MRI

Pranayama is one of the most important concepts in yoga. Breath keeps us in the present moment. Breath connects our body to our mind to our spirit. Today, it was the most important concept in my dye-contrast MRI. Who knew?

What is Pranayama? For those who aren't that familiar with the term, here are a few definitions.

According to Patanjali Yoga Sutras, "Regulation of breath or the control of prana is the stoppage of inhalation and exhalation, which follows after securing that steadiness of posture or seat, asana.

Technical Definition ahead: Pranayama is the method of breath control. Proper breathing and awareness of the breath is very important. Swami Yogananda says, "Breath is the cord that ties the soul to the body". Your breathing directly affects the mental states. Breathing exercises help to control bodily functions. A regular, deep breath enables one to feel calm and an irregular breath can make you feel anxious. Yoga Breathing helps to re- charge the cells in the body and re- energizes the brain cells; thus, the body is rejuvenated.

Hopefully, some of that resonates.

How does this apply to the MRI today? It started the same way as the others.

Change into an unattractive gown: check.

Layer another gown on top of it: check.

Notice how much more attractive the Ugg boots look compared to the running shoes and socks worn during the Breast MRI: check.

Helpful technician inserted yet another dye-filled IV into my left arm. Same technician astutely noted that it looked like my left arm "had been getting some action." Ummm, yeah.

Get strapped onto the bed. Choose Alternative Rock for my headphones. Although the MRI sounds drown out most of the music, I did enjoy half a Foo Fighters song, and that makes me happy. Get inserted into the coffin-like machine.

Back to the Pranayama. The test consisted of being instructed to start and stop my breath. Several times, he had me hold my breath for very long periods. A few times I wasn't sure if I was still holding it, sometimes I thought I'd faint before I heard his voice telling me to breathe. I'm used to teaching breathwork, studying it, using it and I could barely hold my breath long enough. Is this how some of my students feel when I continually tell them to inhale and exhale? I'm sorry!

Did I have any epiphanies while I practiced my breath work? Nope. Just a series of random thoughts: How do bigger people fit in here? if I stick my tongue out could I lick the top? how would a smoker hold his/her breath long enough? how many more times will I have to hold my breath? what if I pass out in here? should I have chosen Guns-n-Roses instead of alternative rock? what will I have for breakfast when I'm hatched from the machine? Not exactly profound.

And, the elephant in the room: will this test reveal that the spot on my liver is benign?