Later that same day.....the power of yoga

To everyone who has reached out to me: wow. I am humbled and grateful. Keep it coming!!

It is amazing what both Pilates and Yoga do for me. I know I preach it to all my students, all the time but, it is true. I spent an hour at the Pilates studio and just tuning in simply to breath and movement helped clear my mind a lot. And, relax my pounding heart. An hour of yoga with Todd (yes, Todd!!) was awesome. I've never actually held hands with anyone in Savasana. I highly recommend it.

I'm scared. But, I feel stronger and I know I will handle this. When I figure out just why I have to handle another tough challenge....I will let you know. All this experience with death and disease has to come to some good, right?

Next week is the photo shoot for my lululemon ambassador photo. I'm really excited, not to just have my big head up on the wall at the store but, to have a positive focus this week. I'm shifting that focus to eating super healthy and clean not to fight the cancer but, to feel strong and powerful for my photo. I'm stepping up my yoga and Pilates even more for every reason.

It may seem shallow or silly to some but, memorializing myself looking powerful, beautiful(hair and makeup willing), and strong as a yogi in the setting by the magical ocean I love so much, feels very symbolic. I'm lucky to have this happening now. To all the lululemon family: thanks so much for your blessings and support. To all the lovely people in my life: thanks for this support I couldn't have imagined.

Not such a good day....

Okay, I guess this is part of the rollercoaster ride. Upon waking this morning, I could feel it: not going to be one of my energetic, adrenaline filled days. Yesterday was a flurry of Pure Barre (ouch!) and consuming an amazing book given to me by a colleague and friend about Natural Medicine and Cancer. It is fantastic. I liked it because it discusses using both natural/holistic methods in combination with medical treatment. I’ve received a great deal of well meaning advice about how to treat my cancer. All I can say is that this is not the time for me to rub herbs on my boob, chug kale shakes and hope the lump goes away. I want the lump gone. Period. Out of me. And, I will eat super, super clean too.

Bad morning appointment. Bad, bad, bad. I went alone to see the Radiation Oncologist today. Now I understand why everyone told me to always bring someone with you to the appointments. Lesson learned.

The doctor told me that based on the MRI from Friday (yes, me in tennis shoes, gown, face down with boobs in slots and a big headset), the cancer is Stage 2 because of the size. He says it is 3cm, not 1.6cm. Double what showed up on the ultrasound. Now normally, we Southern Californians see the bigger the better in the bosom region. Not for this one. There are also a couple teeny little "satellites" near the big old lump.

A newer test, the BSGI, the “97% accurate test” is tomorrow. This, again, may show if there are teeny little lumps that didn't show up on other tests. We looked at my prior mammograms and although you cannot see it from September 2009, he thinks it was there, just hidden by the dense tissue. How reassuring....

The appointment with the surgeon, Dr. Kurtzahls, is Wednesday 2:45pm and I guess we will be scheduling my lumpectomy at that time. I imagine it will be in the next few weeks. Then, you wait 4 weeks before radiation starts. That is 7 weeks.

They told me I get a free boob lift out of this. No questions asked. Silver lining.

Readers Digest Version of the first week...(kind of long, sorry)

I must retrace my steps in order for this all to make sense. Once upon a time, in a sleepy Southern California town…

It is 4:34 a.m. on January 9, 2010. I can't sleep. I have to say that it has not been the most auspicious beginning to 2010. I’ve got my right boob all taped up after a biopsy that was not fun at all. The instrument the doctor used sounded like a staple gun and it fired loudly with each chunk of flesh it removes. Hello?! Couldn’t they you use a silencer?

After my mammogram and ultrasound, the doctor entered the room to inform me that they had me scheduled for a biopsy in a few hours. Not scary news at all. The biopsy doctor was very nice and very blunt. She told me that the irregular shape of the lump made it very worrisome and most likely cancerous. I cannot believe this is happening. My 2010 vision board said that this supposed to be my year to regain my health, not the year that I get cancer. How can this be?

The minute I finished the biopsy and saw my boyfriend Todd, I burst into tears. The doctor had asked me if I wanted anxiety medication but, I demurred. I wanted to go to the beach and watch the breathtaking sunset and get some love from the ocean. It always calms me.

But, I did need a drink. A stiff drink. Not my usual method of handling stress but, in the circumstances, I think it wasn’t out of line.

We stopped at the liquor store in Del Mar. As I perused my choices, I realized that I couldn't get a large beer because I'd be full before I would be able to take the edge off of my news. So, I chose a Mikes Hard Lemonade. In a quart bottle. We dressed it up with a plain paper bag and as my boyfriend Todd drove us through the charming village of Del Mar, I was chugging it. Yes, chugging it out of a brown paper bag. This is one of the first moments that I wished for a video camera. I turned down Xanax for some malt liquor. I am happy to report that it did the trick. And, watching the sunset with my love also helped. ( the “my love” reference is for Todd, not the Mikes Lemonade, in case you were wondering)

1:41am January 14, 2010: Okay, the waking up in the middle of the night is getting old.

As suspected, it is cancer. Boy, my propensity for always being right, at least in my own mind, sure isn’t serving me right now. I did not have a good feeling from the day I found the lump and I was right. Imagine that. I think that trait served me better in my law school days....

Monday wasn’t a bad day waiting for the confirmation. I taught my Pilates class, kicked my own butt working out in the Pilates studio, taught yoga and chilled in the afternoon. Taught another yoga class at Agility Studio and came home and soaked up The Bachelor. Ahh, cheesy TV. I can't help it--it is about the only show I ever watch and I find it highly entertaining. I was asked to be a contestant on it a few years back but, that is another story. I turned that one down. I think they were setting me up to be the cougar....HA!

How I got the news: Tuesday Morning, January 12: 8:20am—I am running late for my Tuesday morning yoga class and was almost to the exit on the highway. I get the phone call that will probably forever alter my life. The doctor told me that she had gotten the pathology results and that they were positive; there was cancer present. Wow. No details, that isn’t her specialty and I had been set up for an appointment on Wednesday at 11:15 am at the Surgery Center. She asked if I was going to have someone to spend some time with that day as she didn’t think I should be alone. Well, no. Probably not a good idea.

Next dilemma: how the hell was I going to teach my class, in 5 minutes? But, then I realized that I love my class, I love teaching yoga and I was just going to do it. I left Todd a message on voicemail. He was in Colorado and I think received the news right before a big client presentation. Probably not my most considerate move but, hey, I've been told I can be selfish....

I told Kim, who owns Sculpt Fusion Yoga, as I arrived and got a big hug. Which was nice. One of my favorite students, Helene, was there and she knew too so, the support felt tangible. Everything just flowed in class and it was beautiful. A little chatter after my class and prior to the 10am class and then I was diving in to some yoga. Teacher Jenn kicked my and everyone’s booty and I spent a good portion of the class in child’s pose. Yow. But, it had to have been better than not taking class, right? I am writing like a third grader but, that is okay for right now. I will let go of my University of Virginia English major status for present.

After yoga, for some reason, I thought that going to get a manicure/pedicure was the best idea. And, it was. For some reason, grooming really calms me down and perks me up. And, my friend Kirsten came and joined me. Girl time rocks.

Well, there was some encouraging news. It is Stage 1, at least as of now, until/unless they find it moved anywhere else. I've got to have some more diagnostic tests to find that out. Already discussed the MRI and now I've got a BSGI scheduled for Tuesday morning. That test should show if the pesky cancer cells have traveled around. Surgery probably won't happen for another 3-5 weeks--just lots of testing and fun in between. Oy. They also don't know yet if it will be lumpectomy and radiation, the "M" word (I seriously hope not) or if chemo will be involved. No. Don't want that at all. I plan on eating all my veggies, finally, and hope that helps.

They do keep reassuring me that if the "M" does happen that they have fabulous plastic surgeons and it is included....or if the lumpectomy, they tighten and lift it up a bit. I asked if they would also do that for the left one and apparently, you can get a free boob lift out of this. Finally..the silver lining....perky girls until I'm 80.

Day 14: Beautiful....

Today was exactly what I needed. I went to a workshop with Erich Schiffman, an amazing yogi. He was funny, inspiring and made meditation seem simple and natural. The first yoga DVD I ever purchased was his. He is magical. I was lucky enough to experience the day with my friends Summer and Renee and I feel relaxed and positive.

Over the last few weeks, I couldn't help but feel like I've got serious bad karma. Those who know me are aware that my family has endured great tragedy. I mean, what are the odds that two siblings pass away from AIDS, one dies from other causes and two sisters have breast cancer? My sister beat it with grace and beauty and so will I. But, really? We are like the poor Kennedys: if you have to deal with this much crap in one family, you should at least have your own yacht.

My theory is that in a past life we were the Genghis Khans and now it is payback time. All that pillaging, raping, and beheading really takes its toll. The lessons in grief and mourning have been intense, to put it mildly. But, we are a hardy lot. Probably the Corsican blood on my dad's side of the family. Coupled with the Scottish McNeill clan on my mom's side, this lifetime presents some hefty challenges.

A very wise woman, who is an artist and astrologer, shared a beautiful perspective with me. I do believe the loss I've experienced with my family has made me stronger and more empathetic and better equipped to help others. And, since today is my one year anniversary of exiting corporate America to teach yoga and Pilates full-time, I sure hope that I am!! I do feel that I am on my true path to heal and help.

Victoria's verbatim advice: "You just have some big Life Long Lessons, like the rest of us, and you are working to balance them out. And you will. Sometime the "healer" type people, like you, have to become the "wounded healer" for a time, until some kind of energy transmutation takes place. If this is part of some kind of shamanic journey, then so be it, let's just get it over with fast so you can heal and get on with the business of living a beautiful life and helping others. I know that is your destiny.

I like it. Although, I did think that the 2007 car accident resulting in artificial disc replacement in my neck was plenty of wounding, I guess I needed a little more?

By the way, I am posting photos each time where I feel that my endangered body part in question looks marvelous. Sorry if it is cheesy. I don't care. Gratuitous boob shots.

My Latest Journey: Finding the Silver Lining in my diagnosis of breast cancer

DAY 13
Welcome to my first entry about the latest trial and tribulation in the life of Claire Petretti. I hope that by blogging my journey with this disease that I will help not only myself, but also others. I’ve got no clue if that is possible but, it is worth a shot. My intent is to try to find the silver lining. At present, the outlook appears dark.

On January 2nd, while putting lotion on after taking a shower, I found a lump in my breast. It felt like someone had inserted a marble under my skin. An alien marble. An interloper. It felt absolutely wrong. Immediately, I knew that it was serious.

Sunday crawled at a snail’s pace.

After today’s entry, I will go back and fill in the first 12 days. I've been waking up at 1 or 2am and writing because I can't sleep. I especially need to share Diagnosis Day: via phone 10 minutes prior to teaching my 8:30am yoga class.

Today’s MRI was my least favorite, well, oops, my second least favorite test of the last few weeks. The needle biopsy last week was terrible and I have the black and yellow bruises to prove it. Today, however, I was dreading the discordant cacophony emanating inside the MRI chamber. Gunfire, jackhammer, 1980s speed-metal, take your pick. When I had an MRI of my neck a few years ago, I was convinced that my brain was being drained by the alien sounding noise. Think Matrix. Stealing your brain through the ear.

So, I was prepared for that. Not happy but, nevertheless prepared. Being subjected to this seemingly endless myriad of tests makes me feel like a science experiment. Or, that I've been captured by the above-referenced aliens and they are testing me to see if they'll just dissect me for parts or if I may be worthy for breeding little half-aliens. As you can tell, the MRI’s deafening coffin-like interior is not designed for those with a vivid imagination.

My fun began with an IV being inserted into my arm for the purpose of injecting dye into my system. Apparently, that is how things show up on the MRI. Nobody told me about the IV. I hate needles. In the past, nurses would laugh at me because I had to lie down anytime I gave blood or I would faint. It would have been nice to receive a warning about the ink injection.

As I am not blessed with a poker face, I could not pretend like I didn’t mind. It hurt. It grossed me out. And, again, it made me feel like a specimen. But, the fun was yet to come. For a breast MRI, you open up your robe and lay with your boobs hanging down into two slots and your face smushed into a massage table head rest. Let me tell you, this failed to resemble any massage I've ever had.

Picture me face down with tennis shoes and socks peeking out from the robe. Arms stretched overhead with the IV protruding out. To complete my ensemble, the technician stuffed a pair of giant headphones from the 80s onto my head to provide music. Where is a good photographer when you need one? I'm determined to find that silver lining each step of the way. The best I can do here is appreciate that the first song was Somewhere Around Midnight, one of my favorites. Unfortunately, it couldn't drown out the horrible brain-sucking sounds of the MRI machine.

Test ended. IV removed. OUCH. Red tape wrapped around my bandaged arm.

Since my diagnosis, everyone tells me to avoid sugar. That it causes cancer cells to multiply, that it is the breeding ground for everything from the devil to yes, cancer. And, I've been good so far.

Distraught after this fourth test in less than a week, I proceeded directly to the closest bakery. Sporting a large welt across my forehead from the machine, I must have looked more forlorn and pathetic than I realized because the bakery lady allowed me to not only select my cinnamon roll, she warmed it up and added extra frosting. Said cinnamon roll was approximately the size of my head. My head is large. Size Large hat large. It was the perfect fuel for teaching my 10:35 am yoga class at Frogs Encinitas. I won't have any sugar tomorrow, promise. I don't want to get cancer or anything.

Okay, I'm going to read now. Something unrelated to this disease. Tomorrow I'll return to fill in all the details from the doctor's exam, the mammogram, the ultrasound, and the biopsy the same day, the combination of which culminated in me chugging a Mike's Hard Lemonade. From a quart bottle. Housed in a brown paper bag.

An overwhelming thank you to everyone in my life for the generous outpouring of love and support. I am amazed, humbled and blessed to have such a powerful circle around me and I need and love each and every one of you.

Welcome Twenty-Ten

It has been a while since I've written here and I need to reverse that trend, starting now! Those who know me know that I usually never have a lapse of commentary or just talking in general. And, I love to write. I'm not quite sure what has held me back writing every few days on my blog. Perhaps I felt that I had to have a "message" each time I wrote and that was a little too much pressure.

2009 was quite a year. I sat down and wrote out a monthly list of all the changes, accomplishments and cool events. Whew!! I love to have lots going on but, even for me, it was non-stop. I quit my corporate job forever on January 16, 2009! Thanks to all who celebrated that event with me. It has been a wild ride, with my focus shifting 100% to wellness.

I began working with www.active.com and their amazing group of ActiveX employees who motivate me with their dedication to fitness. I love teaching yoga there! Another goal was to start publishing articles on fitness and wellness and I'm happy to report that I published 6 articles on www.active.com about Yoga for Athletes. I'm looking forward to writing more articles and parlaying the experience to the national magazine level.

I moved in with my boyfriend in May and this was a huge deal for me. I've lived alone for a long time and I had to learn how to share my space all over again. Life is good.....his love and support give me strength and happiness.

Pilates has become a bigger part of my wellness career and I love it. Fusing yoga and pilates in a unique way is part of my long-term plan.

On a health note, this was Year One after my neck disc-replacement surgery. For the most part, I've felt fantastic but, I overdid it a few times and suffered from setbacks. I'm trying hard to follow my advice to others about taking it slow. It has been quite a learning experience trying to be patient with my limitations. I will be healthy and regain strength in 2010!

Another long term goal that I achieved was to be selected as a Lululemon Ambassador for the Carlsbad Lululemon. I'm so excited to be able to work more closely with them to spread the message of wellness in our community.

2010 is going to be filled harvesting all the plants sown in 2009. I am so excited to live each day to the fullest and really begin reaching a broader audience.

Thank you to all of my family and friends who made 2009 a beautiful year. I am grateful and humbled by the love and support.

ActiveX: Getting out of my comfort zone

For the last few months, I've been involved with an amazing company, Active.com. I teach yoga on-site to members of the ActiveX team. Arch Fuston leads the ActiveX team in all kinds of intense boot-camp style workouts, in addition to mentoring employees who are training for anything from a 5K to a full triathalon. The camaraderie is fantastic.

I'm not a runner, due to all kinds of old injuries and lack of cartilage in the knees but, when I was invited to join one of the ActiveX "lite" workouts on Friday morning, I figured what the heck? I was constantly encouraging them to get out of their comfort zones and see how yoga could benefit their chosen sports so, why shouldn't I get out of mine?

I must admit: I was scared. I was dreading it.

We met at La Jolla Shores at 7am and proceeded to complete a series of drills designed by Arch to challenge everyone and did he! Can you say creative? Wheelbarrows, hopping over walls, alligator crawls, running and leaping through the sand and the grand finale: 3 people dragging a 4th through the sand clinging to a large rope. I must say, I enjoyed being pulled along on the rope!

The best part: it felt like playing with your friends. Well, your crazy hyperactive friends but, play nonetheless. The worst: the sand wanted to stay with me all weekend! I left the beach feeling like if I didn't do anything else for the rest of the day, I'd accomplished something. Fun!