I want to hop into my cozy I dream of Jeannie bottle and not come out until September 16th. Why the 16th? Radiation ends the 15th and we leave for Australia on the 17th. That will give me a day to pack and prepare for the trip.
I'm feeling mentally exhausted right now. My physical energy is fine but, this mental and emotional battle I've been waging all year is sapping my strength. At times, I am silent yet screaming in my head. I wonder if people can tell? The final straw, yes there seem to be several of said final straws, is that last night I realized that I'd lost most of my eyebrows and at least three-quarters of my precious eyelashes.
Before you say, but you are alive!, yes, I know that I'm alive. And, I am grateful. Truly, I am grateful for my wonderful boyfriend, friends and family. But, unless you've gone through this treatment and endured so many crappy side-effects, you cannot understand how upsetting it is when these very visible symbols that you are sick keep slapping you in the face. Kind of like the hot flash that is drenching the back of my tank top as I write this.
I'm like a Monet painting: look great from far away and then you focus and notice that the eyebrows are painted on like the Fairfax Hospital cafeteria lady, that there are about 10 eyelashes total between both eyes, that the hair is a wig and that there is a ugly beige sleeve and glove on my right arm and hand. And, possible sweat stains from a hot flash.
Mind you, it took 10 minutes to put on said eyebrows and individually apply mascara to the sparse, long spindly lashes. How did they fall out six weeks after chemotherapy? I made the grave error of going online to research this distressing issue and instead of finding an answer found some information that taxotere, one of the chemo drugs I was fed, can cause permanent hair loss. Fantastic.
Let's see, on a positive note: my arm looks the best today than it has in the seven weeks that I've been dealing with this lymphedema. Perhaps it is finally going to stabilize and allow me to continue increasing my exercise and walk around bare-armed.
So, Jeannie bottle, here I come. I'm tired of this daily battle and just want to go to sleep and wake up next month. Hopefully with some lashes, brows and hair.
I think one of the things that just keeps amazing me about you is your ability to keep strong and keep your sense of humor. Even yesterday when we were talking about the application of fake lashes and brows you had that humor. Not to say that the pain is not clear as well....as far as you saying that unless someone has been through this they can't fully understand....that is such a true statement. Having had a Mom that specialized in oncology you know I think I know more than the average person on what this experience would / must be like -- so untrue! Not even the few weeks I spent with you can truly make me understand; but, wow was I shocked -- at the trauma, the physical and mental strength it takes and the f------ time! The barrage of drugs and the different side effects are just mind blowing. Even to someone like you with your expertise in time management and list making it was tough to keep on top of it all – think of the average person! :) I just wish you could hide out in your bottle and blink your eyes to pack for your trip! It will be here soon and you will hit Australia with lashes, brows and a fuff of hair! Love you, Megan
ReplyDeleteI agree with Megan. You do have amazing strength, C. I have no idea what you have been going through - even going to the doctor's office once a year for a 30-minute check-up stresses me out.
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud to have you for a sister, but don't expect you to be "SuperWoman" all the time. Do indeed go into your bottle when you need to, and plan on great things to do - like your trip to Australia!
Love ya. :-)
ReplyDeleteConnie
You are so beautiful. Cancer can not take that away from you. On another note- have you tried Latisse?? It really works for both lashes and brows! Put it on at night before bed and in a few weeks there should be significant growth!! look into it! Xoxo
ReplyDelete