Alive

So, I cannot sleep. Nothing new. More on that later.

So, here are two photos of me this morning and one of me pre-cancer. I know that these eyelashes and brows will come back one of these days but, this really stinks. So, one photo is the eye and eyebrow sans makeup. The other shot shows me with my drawn on brows and carefully crafted eye-makeup on one side. The shot with my friend Nikki shows me with eyebrows and my beautiful long lashes that I got courtesy of my dear papa.

They say eyes are the windows of the soul. My eyes now finally show what I didn't want to reveal to anyone unless it was my choice to do so. They scream that I am sick. Constantly red-rimmed, constantly puffy, no lashes, no brows. Nowhere to hide.

Doctors, nurses, everyone really keeps telling me the same thing: be grateful that you're alive! You are so young, all this is temporary, you'll live a long healthy life if you do as we say. Chemotherapy will destroy your ovaries and you'll be in early menopause but, you're alive! You'll lose your hair, your brows and lashes, you'll have scars and tattoos for a lifetime but, you're alive! You may get lymphedema and have to sleep in bandages or an incredibly tight compression sleeve but, you're alive! Who the hell knows what this daily radiation will do to you but, suck it up because you are alive! Take Tamoxifin for the next five years or else your odds of being alive sharply decline!

Back when this all began unfolding in its terrible, surreal way, I didn't want all these drugs. Of course I want to live but, at what cost? The irony is that they can't even tell me if I am cancer-free. Isn't that crazy? There are no guarantees and I am not certain that I've made the right choices following this surgery-chemo-radiation automaton. Back to that basic discussion of quality vs. quantity. The Short Happy Life of Claire Petretti or The Sick, Long Half-Life?

I've had the lyrics of Pearl Jam's Alive in my head for a while now. For some reason, today the volume continues to increase and I can't turn off the music.

Alive by Pearl Jam, excerpt

I, I'm still alive
Hey I, but, I'm still alive
Hey I, boy, I'm still alive
Hey I, I, I, I'm still alive, yeah
Ooh yeah...yeah yeah yeah...oh...oh...

"Is something wrong?" she said
Of course there is
"You're still alive," she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be?
Is that the question?
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...?

I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, but, I'm still alive
Yeah I, ooh, I'm still alive
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah