Voila!

I awoke to discover that I have Monday off! Originally, I was scheduled to teach Pilates at 7:30am and yoga at noon but, now I've got the entire day free. What a great way to start the day. Not that I don't love teaching but, having two days in a row completely free is a luxury that I welcome.

Yesterday was rough emotionally. I couldn't shake the dark cloud obscuring all else. My attempts to write both here and on my dusty little novel were fruitless. I ended up putting down quite a bit and then deleting it all. On purpose. Ahh, the joys of computers. Back in college, I'd have had to tear up the typewritten pages instead of simply hitting one key to remove them from existence.

We spent some time at the pool this afternoon and soaked up a little sunshine. Slathered with 60 sunscreen of course. Nothing relaxes me more than reading a good book with the sun warming my skin and a cool ocean breeze keeping me from overheating.

I've decided to re-read all of my Hemingway novels. He is my favorite author. I plowed halfway through the Sun Also Rises at the pool. Hemingway captures Paris perfectly and makes me so nostalgic for the time when I was lucky enough to live there. The romanticism of writing, drinking and eating in Paris, of living in the moment. Nobody can elicit the same emotions as he can.

A Moveable Feast is next. Actually, it is my favorite so, I should save it for last after I revisit For Whom the Bell Tolls. Not my favorite. Importantly, I can totally escape into Hemingway's world, leaving my issues behind. And, he motivates me to write. The more I read his work, the more I am able to flow within mine. I'll finish that novel yet.

In terms of milestones for today, 25 days remain until my last day of chemotherapy. Three and one-half weeks. When I glance in the rear view mirror, I am amazed that it is almost the five month mark from the fateful date I found the lump. Is fateful a word?

After the last chemo, I've got a break for two or three weeks, then six or seven weeks of daily radiation, so August appears to be the true end to this ordeal. I actually still don't understand the radiation. If the chemotherapy is killing all the cells in my body, wouldn't it kill the ones surrounding the lump removal site? Isn't radiation a little bit of overkill? Does my body really need any more collateral damage than it has already received? I am ready for closure.

I've been very anxious that I am developing lymphedema in my right arm. I may have overdid my pilates on Friday and my right chest, back, deltoid and arm have felt heavy and a little swollen. My underarm is still totally numb and the inside of my upper arm is numb too so it is hard to ascertain what is happening.

This road to recovery is a rough one. I'm trying to maintain at least a some daily activity but, when my legs just stop moving, the walks are a challenge. I was planning on some vinyasa flow yoga but, I cannot put any weight on my right arm until it feels normal again. I'll do my range of motion and flexibility exercises but, it is so frustrating to be unable to really move and get the endorphins flowing.

So much restriction. So many rules. I can't wait until my body can do what my mind desires it to do. Patience has always been a major issue for me. I attribute that primarily to my French heritage. French Corsican heritage. It is in my blood to be impatient, impetuous and passionate. Cancer requires the complete opposite set of emotional skills and although I began practicing yoga in 1999, I am not equipped to calmly proceed through the maze that is cancer treatment. Too bad this cancer didn't wait about twenty more years to hit me.