Always Look on the Bright Side of Life..la la...la la..la la

I haven't felt much like writing because I've been feeling so down that I didn't really want to spread that energy out into the universe. God forbid anyone ever read my private journal where I really vent! I'm swimming up from the depths so, here goes.

As I discussed last time, I cannot believe that four months have elapsed and that I am in the midst of chemotherapy, baldness, weakness, and cancer. The cycles of this treatment really do vary, although they are seemingly the same. The fatigue is striking my muscles hard again this time. My legs feel like lead bricks. What is a lead brick? The heaviest thing I can muster at present.

Anyway, all of my limbs feel like I am wading through molasses. Although I'd really like to go for a walk, I just cannot. Yesterday, we went for 15 minutes and Todd had to push me up the hill back into the door.

I did wander around Target for a while today, earning my spot in the FB group, "I went to Target for shampoo and spent $150." Well, my title should be I went to Target for anything BUT shampoo, right? Nonetheless, I worked the aisles, and rewarded myself with a new lipgloss, and not one, but two books that look interesting enough to finish. I barely restrained myself from purchasing the lovely blue Team Edward T-shirt. I want it. If someone happens to buy it for me, in size Small, I will wear it. In public. Hint. Hint. (that is Team Edward. Size Small)

I choose to count the Target excursion as 30 minutes of exercise. Anything not flat out on my back, as I currently am, has to count as activity.

Tomorrow will be an intensive rest day, complemented with an afternoon massage. Maybe a good deep tissue massage will stimulate these semi-worthless limbs. Another strange side-effect that is impacting me for the first time is some tingling and numbness in both my feet and hands. I can't recall which of the three drugs, T, A, or C has that fun result but, I feel it. While I stand or walk. Currently, my left wrist is tingling. I am officially a science project.

Needless to say, I am crabby and not particularly friendly today. Poor Todd, having to live in the cross-fire. I am sorry, my love.

Today, I personify my pet peeve person. You know, the one who wants to just dump all their problems in your lap but doesn't want to lift a finger to try to solve them? the emotional vampire? Yes, that is me. I have a tough time abiding the victim mentality, but it looks like I'm wallowing in it for now. No suggestions, no silver lining, no bright side of life. (enter Monty Python Bright Side of Life song here)

I can confess all my darkness because I am rising above it. I can feel it. Soon. And, my favorite person, Randi, did drop off her super-sinful, perfect, delicious brownies.

There isn't much that a tasty, homemade brownie cannot fix.