Nuggets from January

This photo is from my birthday party 2006...I remember exactly what I was wishing as I blew out those candles.

So, Round 4 Incubation Period. I just feel like a giant sloth, slinking from couch to bed, bed to couch. If something is percolating this round, it is buried deep. In an effort to do something, anything, for the first time in days, I cleaned out my nightstand drawer.

Cleaning out the drawer did indeed trigger movement. I keep a lot of my random writing in the drawer. Four separate notebooks, as a matter of fact. Musings, partially written stories, ideas, and journal entries. Each time I re-read some of my ramblings, I get stimulated to ramble some more.

I discovered the notebook where I was scribbling the few days prior to and after finding the lump. It is surreal to look back and realize what an enormous turning point the second of January was; a day where I was full of resolutions and determinations for 2010. This was definitely going to be my year. On the 1st, Kirsten and I had gone for a walk on the beach and enjoyed a spectacular sunset, full of innocent dreams for a really big year. Not this kind of big....

Looking back at the past made me recognize something that got lost in all of the madness of these last months.

On January 2nd, lump day, Todd and I went to see 'Up in the Air.' We enjoyed the movie but, what stood out was that Sam Elliot had a small part in the movie. The actor always reminds me of my late brother Paul.

It sounds crazy but, each and every time I see a movie with Sam Elliot in it, I feel that my brother Paul is reaching out to me. I generally cry each time. When Sam Elliot stares out of the silver screen, crinkling his eyes and smiling slightly over his horseshoe moustache, I always feel a chill down my spine. Until I re-read my journal entry, I'd forgotten that Paul had been a part of that day.

Moreover, it appears that I knew immediately that the lump wasn't going to be just a bump. Reading those words from a mere four months ago is striking. I also re-read a letter from Megan, after she'd read my blog entry about the drain. I certainly hated that damn drain, didn't I? It was the center of my universe for twelve days and, I must say, it still ranks up there as one of the most unpleasant parts of this ordeal. I still wish we could've made it a pinata. It seems like a lifetime ago.

I wonder how I'll feel in September, re-reading this blog post? What new insights will I find? Where will I be physically? emotionally? mentally?