Peeping out of the cave

I'm sticking my nose out of my cave but, not yet ready to exit.

The same black mood that hit me three weeks ago struck again. Not just dark but, super emotional. I think I cried 10 times yesterday. I know that at this point after the chemotherapy, my blood cell counts are very low. Perhaps there is a correlation to my psychological state? All I know is that although my physical body is okay, mentally I am out of sync.

It all started 5 minutes before I was about to teach my Fabulous Frogs Friday yoga class. Fabulous because there is magic in that room! I can't pinpoint what it is but, it is a blessed escape for me and from students feedback, they feel it too.

I digress. Imagine that. Back to my saga.

I ran into an old friend and co-worker that I've known for thirteen years and haven't seen in two. We had been close and he was always a shoulder to lean on for me when I was facing challenges. A decade ago, those usually were misery at the job or turmoil from a melodramatic relationship. Mark would just patiently listen. I know he thought I was a train wreck and by all accounts, on any given day, I was. Naturally, I haven't seen him now that I am with the man of my dreams and love my work. Murphy's Law.

Seeing him triggered me for some reason and I burst into tears. At the gym. Right before class. He was in the midst of telling me I looked great and I sobbed out a "I have cancer and this isn't my hair" or some reasonable facsimile thereof. Of course, I couldn't have just said hi, let's catch up on the phone later as I'm going in to teach now. That would be too easy.

I was emotional at the beginning of class but, the yoga flowed in and my worries floated away. I had a surprise drop-in from the Lululemon West Coast Community Relations gal Jessica, who was out visiting Ambassadors. She gave me a new mat to product test. It is called The Mat or Le Tapis and it is big, it is hot pink and it is fabulous. I tried it out in my living room today and will bring it along with me to teach and practice. Love it!

Once I left Frogs, I went home feeling dark. If I were a big drinker, I'd have had a healthy dose of whiskey or a bucket of wine. Instead, Todd and I went for a walk at the lagoon. It helped to be outside in nature and beauty. Nonetheless, I was still snarky and unhappy when we got home as I had to take Oreo to the vet. My poor little guy hadn't been eating and was lethargic.

Oreo's health hasn't been quite right for the last year and 5 visits and $2500 later, chaching, we still don't have a diagnosis. More blood work and tests. Over the last year, he's lost 2 pounds. That may not sound like a lot but, it would be like you or me losing 50. His nickname used to be Fatty McPatty and now he looks like a bag of bones. Anyway, this, too, upset me greatly. Oreo got some IV fluids and seems a little perkier. The pathologist should have the results of the blood work on Monday.

Let's see, what else got me? It all started with a beautiful hat. The wonderful Shelley and her daughter Taylor (tete-a-tete-hats.blogspot.com) knit me several new hats. Taylor makes hats for people going through chemotherapy. I love them. With my hat hair and cute hat, I feel like a blond Ali McGraw from Love Story. Oops. Didn't Ali McGraw die in that movie?

All day I was thinking of my mortality. For the majority of this journey, I've been staying positive. Silver lining, right? I keep believing that this is another challenge for me to overcome, another life lesson (not needed thank you very much), a process with an end in sight. June 24th: chemotherapy done. August: radiation complete.

But, what if that spot on my liver is the spread of cancer? What if chemotherapy and radiation and all the holistic remedies I'm using just don't work and my ticket is up? What if I die? It is possible. I can't completely shy away from that line of thinking and deny that not everybody survives this disease.

To sink a little lower into the abyss, I watched the DVD of Sex and the City when Samantha had breast cancer. I'd never seen it and a few people had mentioned it to me. It might not have been the best day for me to do so. Samantha losing her hair, getting chemo, trying on terrible wigs, saying she didn't want to look sick, that she didn't want people to look at her and not see strength....been there, felt that. I'm sure most women in my situation have. By 10pm, I knew I was staying close to home all weekend. No need to spread this mood around town.

This morning, I went to the cat house. After securing the hat hair and putting on makeup, of course. When I got home, I knew I was in for the duration. Luckily, I'm in the middle of a new book and have lots of workout DVDs and a new yoga mat. In the house, I am the bald cancer girl and don't have to worry about trying to appear like nothing is wrong with me.

A nice long workout and yoga session helped me relax and I feel a little closer to my sunny side. By tomorrow afternoon or Monday, I may be ready to face the world again. I will climb a little higher up this rollercoaster. Until then, I'm hiding out.