Radiation dilemma

Dilemma of the day: to radiate or not to radiate? I am not fully convinced that it is the right thing to do for me. I don't understand why neither the oncologist nor the radiation oncologist can give me statistics. What is the different rate of recurrence with or without radiation?

Before, radiation didn't seem like a big deal. Now, it does. What is this radiation going to do to my body? The collateral damage is just so huge from all of this. One of my biggest fears at the beginning of this ride was what would happen to my immune system long-term from all the "cure." The lymphedema is a result of my immune system being impaired. And, it really stinks.

My legs still feel super sore, like I ran a marathon. It is bizarre. I was lucky enough to have a massage yesterday afternoon and Mel, my amazing massage therapist, told me that she could feel the ropiness in my muscles. This recovery may be taking longer than I had anticipated.

Nonetheless, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. Perhaps through a little yoga and meditation the right decision will come to me.

A Regular Summer Day

It feels like summer! Normal summer, not Ye Olde Summer of Cancer 2010. Wonderful. Dinner in Laguna last night was lovely. What a gorgeous little seaside town. I did whip off Sheila the second we got into the car and rode back to Carlsbad bald. Not so normal!

Today, I had nothing to do, nowhere to be. I'd almost forgotten how that feels. We headed down to the beach and basked in the sun and splashed in the surf. I sported Dominique with a straw hat. I only went into the ocean up to my thighs because I'm not sure that Dominique is a swimmer!

We reviewed our Australia travel book and the trip is beginning to take shape. Reality! Escape! Two weeks of bliss! Two months from today we are on the plane to Sydney.

This morning, I unwrapped my bandaged arm and was thrilled to see my hand looking smaller than it has in the last few weeks. Almost normal. Veins and tendons and wrinkles and everything. It maintained all day! I did some yoga here at the house but, re-bandaged it first. I'm not taking any chances! Perhaps I've broken the barrier and the miracle has arrived: no more swelling.

People have been asking how I am feeling. Well, my body feels bizarre. My energy level feels like it is increasing. No more mandatory naps. But, my legs are incredibly sore, as if I'd climbed El Capitan. Stop laughing at that visual. I also feel swollen all over. Perhaps the lactic acid is reacting differently? I'm not sure what causes these quick shifts in my physique. Perhaps each cell in my body is doing a handstand because they've realized the chemotherapy portion of treatment is done, done, done. That's great and all but, they can pull it in a bit because my pants feel tight.

I've been pondering the next two months of daily radiation and I am not convinced, at all, that it is the right thing to do. Why can't the doctor's give me recurrence numbers specifically for 1)surgery + 2) chemotherapy + 3) radiation??? They keep talking about lumpectomy goes with radiation, whether or not lymph nodes are involved. But, they've told me that the chemotherapy kills everything. Why do I need to cook my right boob and surrounding environs? What damage will that do to my skin, my muscle, my bone, my organs?

Time to enjoy a regular July Saturday night.

Sunny Day #2

San Diego weather is back! Sunny and 75. I wanted to hit the pool but, my arm was bandaged up after therapy and I just thought it might be a sweaty, messy endeavor. I wouldn't want to scare any of the kids at the pool. Imagine: the bald lady with the big pink hat and Michelin Man arm starts screaming and ripping bandages off, throwing them in the pool. They'd probably be scarred for life.

As the arm shrinks: my arm is smaller than last week. But, not as small as the week before. It was 14% larger 2 weeks ago and 21% larger last week. Scary. It is down to @17% difference. My goal is that by my birthday in 2 weeks, yes, that is right: MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 2 WEEKS FROM TODAY: JULY 28TH! I MADE IT!!

Okay, my goal is that by my birthday in 2 weeks that it is under 10%. How many times can I say that my birthday day is in 2 weeks? We are shooting for a 5-10% difference and then maintaining that. Forever. My PT also cleared me to start doing some light weights on my arms and 5 Sun Salutations. Yippee! I can do 5 Sun Salutations. On my knees and on my forearms in Down Dog. It is a start.

Tomorrow is a big day. I have PT again at 11:30 and will be compressed and bandaged when I head over for the CT-Scan from Hell. The Liver Scan. That silly spot is going to be gone, gone, gone. I figured out what it was anyways: Prom night. After the scan, I meet with the radiation oncologist to plan them frying my boob for 7 weeks. I am looking forward to tomorrow being over already and I haven't even woken up yet.

Then, a weekend of sunshine! And working out. On the road to recovery. Did I mention that my birthday is in 2 weeks?

The Lymphedema Blues

Warning: I'm having a self-pity type of week. As I promised myself I'd keep it real in documenting my journey, I'm not holding back. I know I'll emerge on the other side of this but, for now, I am plowing through a present that is very challenging. I know that this lymphedema will resolve itself and won't be such a big deal soon. Very soon. For the present moment, however, it is not resolved.

Yesterday my arm swelled up as I was teaching class in the heated room. I felt helpless as I watched it grow over the 75 minute class. It was disappointing, to put it mildly.

How to analogize: I'd say it is like when you feel the initial tingling of a cold sore sprouting up at an inopportune time in a very obvious spot. The horror hits you as you know if you don't catch it in time, it will explode right on the center of your lip, most likely right before you have a big date or photo session. And, you know that it will last for a few weeks before it decides to make its exit. Or, if you haven't had a cold sore, dredge up that buried high school moment when a giant pimple the size of a rasberry sprouted on the tip of your nose before prom.

So, control issues are rearing their ugly head. When will this be under control? Why another physical issue that forces me to curtail my regular activities? Why so much restriction? Why am I in the 25% to develop this condition? I don't mean to be a big fat baby but, this is making me feel sorry for myself. Period. I'd hoped to be focused on regaining my strength and building back up to feeling "normal" again.

Okay, the positive: my new lymphedema therapist is excellent and has some great suggestions and I am praying that they work. Fast. Sleeping with my arm in three layers of bandages and one layer of thick cotton isn't comfortable. In fact, I haven't had a good night's sleep in four nights. Finally, I ripped them off at 3am last night.

Okay, manifestation time: I will sleep eight blissful hours tonight and when I wake up in the morning and remove my bandages, my hand will look normal. After I meet with the PT tomorrow, we will have this resolved. For the foreseeable future.

Therapist from Hell

Well, this final recovery from chemotherapy isn’t quite what I had envisioned. I was fully prepared to have wobbly legs like a colt, to need lots of rest, to take all my meds and herbs, to rinse my mouth out with warm salt water, and all the other tricks I've accumulated along the way. Little did I know that I’d be trapped in the house like I was with the godforsaken surgery drain. This time, however, I am bandaged up like a mummy, knowing that the bandages will play an as yet undetermined part in my future.

Part of the nightmare of this last week is embodied in the lymphedema specialist. You know when you meet someone for the first time and yet you recognize them? You click? As if you've known each other before? Well, with M, it was the opposite. Her gaze sent a chill down my spine. She is not here to help or heal, in fact, her words and actions have had the opposite effect.

Today was the last day of her negative influence. I know this may be surprising but, I am a wimp with personal confrontation. Nonetheless, I put on my big girl panties this afternoon and called to tell the office that I wasn’t comfortable working with her and wanted another therapist. They instantly obliged me, no questions asked.

So, what was the problem with this person who made me cry in the office not once but, twice?

Here are some of her words, delivered during treatment to me over the last week:

“You have a lot of anger issues over your breast cancer and you just need to get over it,”

“Stop being so dramatic,” (when I saw my arm after the pump was removed)

“This is a permanent condition and you just need to deal with it,”

“Just get used to wrapping yourself in bandages, maybe daily for the rest of your life.”

Mind you, this woman doesn’t know me. At all. Knows nothing about me, my attitudes, my strengths, my weaknesses. Except that I just finished Round 6 of chemo and have developed lymphedema.

Besides her remarks, her other behavior has been inappropriate and wrong. Last week, she showed me how to do lymphatic self-massage. This is when it got weird: we are in a small room, with the curtain drawn. First, she pulls her sleeve down to rub her collarbone and shoulder. Okay.

The next thing you know, she whips off her shirt and is standing there in her bra and pants, massaging her chest and arm. I was extremely uncomfortable. Why did she feel the need to doff her shirt? Then, she grabs a roll around her waist and says how now that she is 58 she has love handles. WHAT???

So, why was I afraid to call the physical therapy department and request a different therapist? Isn’t that interesting? Do I care if I hurt this woman’s feelings? No, not at all. Is it more about being uncomfortable if I see her in the department and she knows I requested not to work with her anymore? Maybe. I find it interesting that they made the switch with No questions asked. I am excited to have a new therapist.

So, my world has been small and unpleasant this week. I am processing, going through it and am hoping this will be just another speed bump in my rear view mirror.
That the pump/bandage 24/7 therapy will be over soon. That I can focus on healing my whole body, heart and mind. That next week is new, fresh and I feel strong again.

As the arm shrinks....

Chemo Eve. I'm shifting my focus to celebratory: chemotherapy is almost over forever! This time, I know I'll have my downtime but, it is finite. Thereafter, I will continue to get strong, rebuild my muscles and bones and grow some hair on this egg-like head of mine.

Thank you everyone for the offers of fat harvesting: at this rate I could build boobs the size of Dolly Parton. I only need about a golf-ball amount so, perhaps everyone could write an essay on why they have the richest, plumpest fat and why their fat would make the best boob filler. Feel free to do so in the Comments session. Apparently, belly fat works very well. I don't know how I'd feel about having someone's butt fat on my chest. Keep that in mind.

Thank you for making me laugh.

After sleeping, or shall I say attempting to sleep, with the Michelin Man arm, I gingerly unwrapped all of the bandages. Nervous, eager and hesistant to look at my arm, I nonetheless glanced down. Was this how Michael Jackson felt each and every time he got a new nose job?

I'm happy to report that the swelling has definitely subsided a lot. I can see my wrist again and the wrinkles on the inside of my elbows. The upper arm surrounding my elbow is still puffy but, not quite as puffy. You can see some bone at the tip. Hurray!! I will continue with the exercises and wrapping my arm before bed and pray that the remaining bloat will disappear. The therapist said we'll work on it for a few weeks and generally reach optimal size by then so, fingers crossed. I'm now feeling optimistic that I can shrink this to almost normal.

Then, it will all be about prevention. I'll worry about that later. I will regain my strength. I will not have to wear a sleeve every day. Down the line, if I perceive slight swelling, I will wrap it up with a smile and it will be gone by morning. Nothing more.

I have an awesome "Chemo Graduation Day" T-shirt to wear tomorrow, courtesy of Anaise--thank you very much! It is perfect. Depending upon how I feel after chemo, I'm craving Wine Steals pizza. Celebration!!