Makers Mark and Money

So, I've not been too regular on the blog since my return from Australia. I'd wrestled with stopping it once I set foot on the plane but, several people told me that they'd like to continue hearing my escapades as I re-enter "normal" life. Or, should I say the "new normal?" Resuming regular life is part of this journey.

To be honest, I've been struggling a bit this week. Despite being blessed with some really awesome new opportunities, despite being done with treatment, despite the love and friendship, even despite the fast pace of my hair growth, each morning when I've woken up, I've felt rough. Part of the problem is that the hot flashes have been coming hotter and flashier. We are having summer in San Diego, 90 degrees today!, and my inner thermostat has officially gone haywire. I think I'm not recovered from radiation yet and my body just needs more time before I can get hot like I did Friday night. The flashes are constantly waking me up and I am exhausted.

I did, however, obviously get some sleep last night because I had a bizarre, colorful dream. In my dream, I went to the CVS to pick up my refill of Tamoxifin, the drug that gives hot flashes, and the pharmacist told me that they had a substitute for the Tamoxifin. Mind you, this is the same pharmacist I've seen way too much at Solana Beach CVS this year. I say, "Sure" because I just don't care. I've wrestled with the Tamoxifin-5-year-sentence, even skipping it for a few days here and there. What a rebel: ha!

This is where it gets funny. She then informs me that the replacement for Tamoxifin is 50 cases of Makers Mark. For those of you, like me, who don't know what Makers Mark is: it is "Straight Kentucky Bourbon." I had to google it. I am not a bourbon drinker. I'm not a liquor drinker for that matter.

Nonetheless, I acquiesce and she calls one of the assistants to help her. The next thing I know, they are stuffing bottles of Makers Mark and stacks of $100 and $50 bills into big black duffel bags and dumping them into my shopping cart. The pharmacist has to send the assistant to get another cart because 50 cases is a lot of liquor! I'm curious to know what this all means? Perhaps they want me to just get drunk and go shopping so I won't worry about a cancer recurrence?

I am fighting to feel good day by day. Teaching, walking, spending time with friends, focusing on all the gifts that I have in my life. Sometimes I just wonder why you don't just wake up feeling great every day. I wonder if it is always a process, a shift to focus on the positive, a choice of how you are going to spend your day and your life. Living in the present isn't always easy but, it is the only way for me to stay sane.

Maybe if I hadn't had all that Makers Mark last night, I would have sprung out of bed feeling like a million bucks!