Decisions, decisions....

San Francisco was lovely. Spending quality time with Megan and her mom, Judy felt like visiting home. I believe that members of your true family are not always related through blood and we are indeed family.

Despite enjoying myself, a few nagging side-effects marred my time in San Francisco and have been weighing on me in recent weeks. This Tamoxifen. I'm into my fourth month on the drug that I believed wasn't affecting me too badly, except for the hot flashes. I thought they were dissipating but, actually, they are not. One second I'm comfortable, the next I am sweating like a hooker in church. How bad is that cliche? Hee hee.

In addition to the pesky twenty degree internal thermometer swings, I've continued to feel heavy, almost leaden when I wake up in the morning. Instead of springing out of bed ready to embrace the day, I have to very consciously psyche myself up. Once the day is in full-swing, however, I feel engaged in whatever I am doing.

From what I understand, this is a chemical reaction from the tamoxifen and perhaps some leftover effects from chemo and radiation. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I'm happy. Darn it. Seriously, everything is going very well for me. I've gone on several great trips, I am living and loving the present, my days are filled with loving caring people, I've got exciting plans for the immediate future in both the work and play arenas. In other words, there is no reason for me to feel depressed.

I consulted with the YSC group to see if others have felt this way. Oh yes. I have not lost that last marble! Reports of hot flashes, mood swings, depression, anger, weight gain, insomnia across the board. It is comforting to know I am not alone!

So, again we come to the debate of quality of life vs. staying on the medication. Kind of where I was when I wanted to stop after four rounds of chemotherapy. Well, one woman's story has convinced me to stay on the tamoxifen. She chose to stop it and four years later, the cancer returned, metastasizing in her bones and liver. They are actually now treating her, ironically, with the tamoxifen and it is working.

So, I guess I'll continue to be a sweaty dark beast for the next four years, eight months.

When I consulted my doctor, she prescribed Effexor because she says it will help with the hot flashes and the heavy head. More pills. I'm leery of introducing another drug into my system. I really don't want to take anything. But, I am tempted to try it for a few weeks and see if it helps. I'm also exploring the herb/acupuncture route. I'm increasing my yoga and exercise each day. It all has to help, right?

Just the other day, we were laughing at some of the pharmaceutical commercials on television. Idyllic scenes, depicting couples and puppies frolicking in fields filled with butterflies lounging on plump flowers with a soothing voiceover reading side-effects like those listed below.

The Effexor side effects:

THE GOOD: Headache, drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, weakness, dry mouth, constipation, loss of appetite, weight loss (the only two positives in the lot), blurred vision, tiredness, nervousness, trouble sleeping, sweating, yawning. May increase blood pressure.....

THE BAD: Call your doctor if:
severe pounding headache, unusual or severe mental/mood changes, shakiness, decreased interest in sex, changes in sexual ability, difficulty urinating....stomach/abdominal pain, chest pain, persistent cough, shortness of breath, bloody/black/tarry stools, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, easy bruising/bleeding, fast/irregular pounding heartbeat, muscle weakness/cramps, yellowing eyes/skin, dark urine, seizures, unusual tiredness....

THE UGLY: If that isn't enough for you, you may get "Serotonin Syndrome": hallucinations, fainting, restlessness, loss of coordination, severe dizziness, unexplained fever, nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, twitchy muscles. Men may get a 4 hour erection. Really.

Decisions, decisions.