I want to hop into my cozy I dream of Jeannie bottle and not come out until September 16th. Why the 16th? Radiation ends the 15th and we leave for Australia on the 17th. That will give me a day to pack and prepare for the trip.
I'm feeling mentally exhausted right now. My physical energy is fine but, this mental and emotional battle I've been waging all year is sapping my strength. At times, I am silent yet screaming in my head. I wonder if people can tell? The final straw, yes there seem to be several of said final straws, is that last night I realized that I'd lost most of my eyebrows and at least three-quarters of my precious eyelashes.
Before you say, but you are alive!, yes, I know that I'm alive. And, I am grateful. Truly, I am grateful for my wonderful boyfriend, friends and family. But, unless you've gone through this treatment and endured so many crappy side-effects, you cannot understand how upsetting it is when these very visible symbols that you are sick keep slapping you in the face. Kind of like the hot flash that is drenching the back of my tank top as I write this.
I'm like a Monet painting: look great from far away and then you focus and notice that the eyebrows are painted on like the Fairfax Hospital cafeteria lady, that there are about 10 eyelashes total between both eyes, that the hair is a wig and that there is a ugly beige sleeve and glove on my right arm and hand. And, possible sweat stains from a hot flash.
Mind you, it took 10 minutes to put on said eyebrows and individually apply mascara to the sparse, long spindly lashes. How did they fall out six weeks after chemotherapy? I made the grave error of going online to research this distressing issue and instead of finding an answer found some information that taxotere, one of the chemo drugs I was fed, can cause permanent hair loss. Fantastic.
Let's see, on a positive note: my arm looks the best today than it has in the seven weeks that I've been dealing with this lymphedema. Perhaps it is finally going to stabilize and allow me to continue increasing my exercise and walk around bare-armed.
So, Jeannie bottle, here I come. I'm tired of this daily battle and just want to go to sleep and wake up next month. Hopefully with some lashes, brows and hair.
