Gratitude

My oh my, the blog entries have been few and far between this month! I guess now that I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I've not been as diligent in committing words to paper. I'm not even sure where to begin.

Thanksgiving in Virginia was lovely. Before flying home, I was apprehensive about the trip. I hadn't seen any family and friends since going through treatment and part of me didn't feel up to talking about treatment, didn't feel like explaining my punk rock hairdo. Of course, being with my family felt very positive and I was happy to see everyone's relief at me looking healthy. After a few glasses of wine, everyone was telling me that I should keep my hair short because I looked like a model. Keep on drinking people! It isn't terrible but, it just doesn't feel like me. Let's just say I am continuing to grow it as fast as I can!

The most exciting news is that I received confirmation that my new part-time professional endeavor will start in January. I've been hired as an assistant professor at MiraCosta College in Cardiff. What will I be teaching you ask? I'll be teaching in the Kinesiology/Health Department for the Yoga Certification program. I've always enjoyed teacher training and this will be an awesome venue. I cannot wait! This will round out my schedule very nicely.

My strength and flexibility continues to grow each day. I'm consistently practicing yoga and with each class I am able to do more and more of the vinyasa flow that I love. One of these days I anticipate feeling completely at home in my body again. I'm definitely receiving daily lessons in patience, acceptance and humility.

Life is good.

Yoga to the rescue!

Today, I was reminded once again of the power of practice. I attended a lovely vinyasa class and felt so calm and peaceful afterwards. It just feels so darned good to be able to practice the style of yoga that I love again. What a gift. Stepping onto the mat feeling off and exiting it feeling on. I swear it feels like a recalibration from the inside out. Wake up, yoga, rest, repeat.

I also saw Lois, my fabulous acupuncturist, to discuss using acupuncture and TCM, traditional chinese medicine, to deal with the hot flashes and the head. I feel very confident in her skills and the strength of natural remedies. Check out her blog: www.acupunctureactually.wordpress.com

The alternative isn't viable. Trust me.

There is an excellent reason that I didn't blog yesterday. My pupils were enormous, chills traveled up and down my spine and arms, my reaction time was a half-beat behind everyone elses and I just felt weird. Driving felt like I was a player in a video game. Why? I succumbed in a moment of desperation to effexor on Tuesday and Wednesday. Let's just say that it didn't sit well with my system. Medicine affects me strongly and although this was a very low dose, it made me totally crazy. I'd rather break into spontaneous sweat-fests several times a day then feel that way for an hour. And deal with waking up feeling melancholy.

I'll just remind myself that as soon as I wake up and start my day that I will feel just fine. Life is beautiful and precious and every single minute counts. Nobody knows how long we've got on this earth and I'm going to enjoy my time, sweaty or not.

Decisions, decisions....

San Francisco was lovely. Spending quality time with Megan and her mom, Judy felt like visiting home. I believe that members of your true family are not always related through blood and we are indeed family.

Despite enjoying myself, a few nagging side-effects marred my time in San Francisco and have been weighing on me in recent weeks. This Tamoxifen. I'm into my fourth month on the drug that I believed wasn't affecting me too badly, except for the hot flashes. I thought they were dissipating but, actually, they are not. One second I'm comfortable, the next I am sweating like a hooker in church. How bad is that cliche? Hee hee.

In addition to the pesky twenty degree internal thermometer swings, I've continued to feel heavy, almost leaden when I wake up in the morning. Instead of springing out of bed ready to embrace the day, I have to very consciously psyche myself up. Once the day is in full-swing, however, I feel engaged in whatever I am doing.

From what I understand, this is a chemical reaction from the tamoxifen and perhaps some leftover effects from chemo and radiation. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I'm happy. Darn it. Seriously, everything is going very well for me. I've gone on several great trips, I am living and loving the present, my days are filled with loving caring people, I've got exciting plans for the immediate future in both the work and play arenas. In other words, there is no reason for me to feel depressed.

I consulted with the YSC group to see if others have felt this way. Oh yes. I have not lost that last marble! Reports of hot flashes, mood swings, depression, anger, weight gain, insomnia across the board. It is comforting to know I am not alone!

So, again we come to the debate of quality of life vs. staying on the medication. Kind of where I was when I wanted to stop after four rounds of chemotherapy. Well, one woman's story has convinced me to stay on the tamoxifen. She chose to stop it and four years later, the cancer returned, metastasizing in her bones and liver. They are actually now treating her, ironically, with the tamoxifen and it is working.

So, I guess I'll continue to be a sweaty dark beast for the next four years, eight months.

When I consulted my doctor, she prescribed Effexor because she says it will help with the hot flashes and the heavy head. More pills. I'm leery of introducing another drug into my system. I really don't want to take anything. But, I am tempted to try it for a few weeks and see if it helps. I'm also exploring the herb/acupuncture route. I'm increasing my yoga and exercise each day. It all has to help, right?

Just the other day, we were laughing at some of the pharmaceutical commercials on television. Idyllic scenes, depicting couples and puppies frolicking in fields filled with butterflies lounging on plump flowers with a soothing voiceover reading side-effects like those listed below.

The Effexor side effects:

THE GOOD: Headache, drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, weakness, dry mouth, constipation, loss of appetite, weight loss (the only two positives in the lot), blurred vision, tiredness, nervousness, trouble sleeping, sweating, yawning. May increase blood pressure.....

THE BAD: Call your doctor if:
severe pounding headache, unusual or severe mental/mood changes, shakiness, decreased interest in sex, changes in sexual ability, difficulty urinating....stomach/abdominal pain, chest pain, persistent cough, shortness of breath, bloody/black/tarry stools, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, easy bruising/bleeding, fast/irregular pounding heartbeat, muscle weakness/cramps, yellowing eyes/skin, dark urine, seizures, unusual tiredness....

THE UGLY: If that isn't enough for you, you may get "Serotonin Syndrome": hallucinations, fainting, restlessness, loss of coordination, severe dizziness, unexplained fever, nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, twitchy muscles. Men may get a 4 hour erection. Really.

Decisions, decisions.

Patchwork Petretti

What a week! I'm winding down from running all over town for meetings, talks, walks and teaching gigs. Time to breathe and allow my nervous system to settle down. I'm heading up to San Francisco tomorrow to spend time with my BFF Megan and her amazing, wonderful mom Judy. I'm so excited.

The Complementary Care for Cancer event put on by the YSC went well. I was a little nervous but, it turned out fine. Speaking about yoga during cancer treatment and recovery should be a no-brainer but, I still cannot say, "I was diagnosed January 12th 2010" without my voice breaking. Practice, right? Hopefully by the time that I speak in front of the 500-1000 people at Yoga for Hope on March 5th, I will be able to do so without blubbering.

The Yoga for Hope webpage is up and ready for people to register and donate. I've got a team: Ocean Soul Yoga and would love for you to join me. www.yogaforhope.org/sd. Please check it out!

So, my gimpiness is slowly healing. My right hip flexor and hip were so out of joint that my right leg actually measured 3/4 inch shorter than the left! Can you say gimpy? Thanks to the brilliant Dan Selstead and ART therapy, I'm on the mend. I'm thrilled that I could practice yoga yesterday with few modifications. Seriously, all I want to do is walk several days a week, practice yoga 4 times a week and do pilates or Pure Barre 2-3 times. Nothing crazy.

Actually, it was quite amusing: a new pilates client of mine and I were discussing injuries and I was commiserating. Knee: yes, I had knee surgery back in June 2007. Back issues: yes, I've got herniations and bone spurs and arthritis at L4-L5. Neck issues: Oh yes, I was in a car accident and had neck surgery and now have an artificial disc at C5-6. All of these issues of course in addition to the cancer and the lymphedema sleeve. She looked at me and said, "You are a mess!" I guess that is one way to look at it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a little boat. I patch up one leak and then another one sprouts open. Is this what getting older feels like? I feel like I'm hobbling around with the sore hip flexor, the lymphedema sleeve, the crazy hair, the inability to go into the heated room because of radiation side-effects. High-maintenance much?

Despite all my physical issues, I am plugging along. Nobody will stop Patchwork Petretti. My brain and my spirit want to go, go, go and this darned body is coming along, whatever it takes!

Tomorrow: yoga in the morning and then off to San Fran to spend time with two of my favorite people in the world. Life is good.

"C" is for....

Clear!

Today I went in for my first mammogram post-cancer treatment. The radiologist said that everything looked good. I have an MRI next month, which generally shows more.

Oops, and I just realized that I still had a sticker on my boob, where they mark the incision. Just peeled off a pink sticker with a strawberry pattern on it. Interesting.

So, the head of radiology, who is actually the woman who gave me two of the most painful experiences: biopsy and shooting in a radioactive isotope pre-surgery, came in to say hello. Her first comment was, "didn't you have much longer hair before?"

Um, yes.

I don't think I need to elaborate any more on that.

I was discussing with someone today whether I was considered "cancer-free" and my answer was "I guess so." Basically, the oncologists just say that they assume the chemotherapy and radiation worked based upon the statistics. You know what they say about assumptions, right? But, I guess I will just begin answering with an emphatic YES that I am cancer-free until someone tells me otherwise. Think positive right?

Oreo, my cat who was diagnosed with cancer in April, just climbed on my lap. He was given just months to live and he is still doing pretty well. He had to get a steroid injection on Monday and wasn't too pleased about it. But, they seem to prevent him from throwing up his dinner, which is a good thing. I'm glad that he is hanging on!

Tonight I am talking on the role that yoga plays in complementary care for cancer. The Young Survival Coalition is putting on the event that also features Christa Orecchio on nutrition and Mark Skalr on acupuncture. I'm convinced that the combination of these three protocols played a huge role in me maintaining the amount of strength and oomph that I did. Is oomph a word?

So, perhaps I should review my notes for the talk one more time....

Fall back and walking the Race for the Cure

Fall back: it is a bit disconcerting that this weekend symbolizes the beginning of Fall, after our sun-drenched, 90 degree week. Summer in November! I love this time of year. Autumn symbolizes a time of renewal and rebirth, a time to shed the old and make room for the fresh and new. Participating in the Race for the Cure this morning seemed timely.

After sharing an excellent dinner with April and Matthew at Market last night, we made sure to turn the clocks back an hour. This was vital because we had to leave the house by 6am to meet up with the Young Survival Coalition group.

It didn't really matter because I was rudely awakened at 3am by a dream that I was being roasted on a spit over an open campfire. Like a marshmallow. Or a weenie. Not exactly, instead, when I awoke, I was drenched in sweat from these da**ed night sweat/hot flashes. Seriously, I am really over this. When will they cease? It is the most bizarre feeling because all of a sudden the back of your neck sizzles and poof, you are cooking from the inside out. Talk about generating tapas.

Anyway, Todd and I joined up with the YSC and close to 20,000 people who walked or ran in the Race for the Cure 5k. This is the first time I've ever received a medal for a race! Who cares if it was at a leisurely stroll, surrounded by groups of walkers with names like "Tits and Giggles", "Save Second Base", and the "Boobie Brigade?" I sported a YSC banner that proclaimed me a Young Survivor, with my diagnosis date and age on the back. Todd wore a bib that stated he was celebrating me and my sister Yael.

Prior to participating in the race today, I was feeling rather apprehensive. Would this be uplifting? would it be upsetting? would I cry? or would I just be slightly hungover from one too many glasses of wine at dinner and four hours of sleep?

I'd say that this event proved to be amazing and overwhelming all at once. What seemed the most poignant to me were the countless groups walking in memory of a loved one. T-shirts with pictures of moms, sisters, grandmothers, friends abounded. And, made me realize yet again that I am one of the lucky ones who officially beat cancer. With all of this positive energy, how can a cure not be imminent?

Next up this week? An interview with City of Hope tomorrow, a talk at a YSC event, Complementary Care for Cancer regarding yoga's role in recovery and then off to San Francisco to visit my BFF Megan and the world's greatest mom, Judy!

Not bad for the beginning of Fall.

Yoga for Cancer Recovery: new day and new location!

This class is open to anyone who is currently going through cancer treatment, who has completed treatment or is a co-survivor or caretaker of someone living with cancer. My intent is to create a safe community where we can come together with our shared bond and just feel better. As a breast cancer survivor, I can attest to how much yoga helped me.

Classes will now be held a beautiful, peaceful studio in Carlsbad/La Costa.

Location: PureBarre La Costa, 7720 El Camino Real, Suite E, Carlsbad, CA 92009

Day/Time: 10:30am on Thursdays starting in December.

Benefits of Yoga:

•Learn to handle the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation

•Experience healing techniques for the mind, body and spirit

•Boost energy, improve mood, learn relaxation and breath techniques to combat fatigue, stress, and pain

•Restore flexibility, strength, range of motion, enhance lymphatic flow, digestion and circulation

Classes are donation-based. What does this mean exactly? It means that each week, you pay what you can. The suggested donation is $5-15. But, if you can't make a donation, that is fine. I understand the financial difficulties associated with this journey.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to call me or email me at claire@oceansoulyoga.com.

Please bring your own yoga mat.

Makers Mark and Money

So, I've not been too regular on the blog since my return from Australia. I'd wrestled with stopping it once I set foot on the plane but, several people told me that they'd like to continue hearing my escapades as I re-enter "normal" life. Or, should I say the "new normal?" Resuming regular life is part of this journey.

To be honest, I've been struggling a bit this week. Despite being blessed with some really awesome new opportunities, despite being done with treatment, despite the love and friendship, even despite the fast pace of my hair growth, each morning when I've woken up, I've felt rough. Part of the problem is that the hot flashes have been coming hotter and flashier. We are having summer in San Diego, 90 degrees today!, and my inner thermostat has officially gone haywire. I think I'm not recovered from radiation yet and my body just needs more time before I can get hot like I did Friday night. The flashes are constantly waking me up and I am exhausted.

I did, however, obviously get some sleep last night because I had a bizarre, colorful dream. In my dream, I went to the CVS to pick up my refill of Tamoxifin, the drug that gives hot flashes, and the pharmacist told me that they had a substitute for the Tamoxifin. Mind you, this is the same pharmacist I've seen way too much at Solana Beach CVS this year. I say, "Sure" because I just don't care. I've wrestled with the Tamoxifin-5-year-sentence, even skipping it for a few days here and there. What a rebel: ha!

This is where it gets funny. She then informs me that the replacement for Tamoxifin is 50 cases of Makers Mark. For those of you, like me, who don't know what Makers Mark is: it is "Straight Kentucky Bourbon." I had to google it. I am not a bourbon drinker. I'm not a liquor drinker for that matter.

Nonetheless, I acquiesce and she calls one of the assistants to help her. The next thing I know, they are stuffing bottles of Makers Mark and stacks of $100 and $50 bills into big black duffel bags and dumping them into my shopping cart. The pharmacist has to send the assistant to get another cart because 50 cases is a lot of liquor! I'm curious to know what this all means? Perhaps they want me to just get drunk and go shopping so I won't worry about a cancer recurrence?

I am fighting to feel good day by day. Teaching, walking, spending time with friends, focusing on all the gifts that I have in my life. Sometimes I just wonder why you don't just wake up feeling great every day. I wonder if it is always a process, a shift to focus on the positive, a choice of how you are going to spend your day and your life. Living in the present isn't always easy but, it is the only way for me to stay sane.

Maybe if I hadn't had all that Makers Mark last night, I would have sprung out of bed feeling like a million bucks!