Day after Completion: Gratitude

As I ran through my itinerary for today, I automatically thought, "drive to Scripps" and just as swiftly, I smiled because I don't have to enter that doorway again for a few months. Today, I had more important tasks like getting a manicure/pedicure and packing for Australia. No need for any more sauteeing of my right chest.

Yesterday I was literally flying on adrenaline all day. The excitement and realization that this nine month journey is over. I. am. finished. with. cancer. treatment. I've been through a lot in my relatively short lifetime, it has truly been a dramatic rollercoaster ride. But, I must say that this disease or crisis or shall I just call it cancer has been the most challenging experience ever. Maybe because it took so long to be over?

Next chapter: blissful, exotic, million miles away vacation. This trip will be such an opportunity to clear out the residue from treatment and a time for Todd and I to breathe after this incredibly difficult period.

I haven't really slept for four nights because I cannot turn off my brain. Flashes of faces keep passing in front of my eyes and I realize how many amazing people have blessed my life and supported and lifted me throughout this journey: Family, old friends, new friends, relative strangers. Todd has been a rock.

I grew much closer to some new friends and some friends faded away a bit. I know people say that you'll know who your true friends are through a crisis like this. True. What is so beautiful is that I really didn't find out anything on the negative side: it was all positive. It is more that some people you don't expect to step up do and others who you thought would be there 24/7 aren't. My life is much richer and fuller as a result of every single one of these relationships.

And, I must say that the Oakton High School Cougars have been incredible!! Shout out to everyone! Does this mean that we are all getting together over Thanksgiving in Northern Virginia? Or, does this warrant a celebratory reunion trip to Ocean City?

One sleep to Oz.

Yes, my hair is coming in salt and pepper. You won't see it again as I alreadyhave it covered.

Countdown

Radiation #34 complete: check

Eyebrows fully grown in with no need for pencil: check

Eyelashes almost fully returned: check

Radiation wound 90% recovered: check

Travel-sized toiletries purchased: check

I cannot believe that I've only got two more radiations and I am done, done, done with treatment! And, then time to escape and run to the other side of the earth for two whole weeks. The next four days will be a whirlwind of preparations to set foot on that plane to Sydney Friday night.

Each day, I feel strength returning. Physical strength. Emotional strength. Mental strength. Yesterday, I had the best yoga practice I've had since I can remember. Physically, I was able to move in ways that I hadn't in quite a while. As a result, I could literally feel the lifting of tensions and stress and pain. Yoga is magic. I'm looking forward to the opening of my body, mind and heart as I practice more freely each day.

Okay, I can't focus to write. I'm too excited because we are leaving for Australia on Friday. Woo.

Six Sleeps to Oz

This photo is from March 26th, when Patti shaved my head for me. Who knew that I'd be eager to have hair this long again? Mine is growing fast but, I'm not quite to this length yet. Hopefully by next week! I'm sick of wigs.

Less than a week to Australia! That means that I've only got three more radiation sessions and I am finished with my cancer treatment. I'm not sure when that lovely reality will sink in.

I'm thrilled to report that I feel much better than I did a few days ago. The evil cold/flu bug that drove me to my knees exited stage left yesterday. My underarm radiation burn is slowly healing: a few more days to go. Three days in bed. Whew.

Last night, we watched the Stand Up to Cancer telethon. It was quite moving and not a little bit disturbing for me. Seeing the statistics that 207,000 people will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year and realizing that I am now one of those statistics feels strange. Part of me must be in denial. I don't know how because every time I look in the mirror or look down, I am reminded. The scars last forever, even the ones that fade on the surface. How will I feel a year from now? five years from now?

So, I'm not sure what to call myself. Am I a cancer survivor? Or, is that name only applicable at 3pm on Wednesday, September 15th, when my last appointment ends? Do I say that I "had" breast cancer? that I "have" breast cancer?

I find it rather odd that they don't have a scan when your treatment ends to declare you cancer-free. I know that they want to do a mammogram in three months and possibly every three months for the next five years? They didn't find my initial cancer on my routine mammogram last September so, I don't have a lot of confidence or interest in having my boob smashed in the mammogram machine so frequently. I can only imagine if I hadn't found the lump myself in January and had waited until now to go in. How much would it have spread by then?

But, I feel lucky. A new friend of mine, that feels like an old friend, is in the hospital. She beat cancer several years ago and now she is ill and the doctors haven't diagnosed the problem yet. She is in her 30s. When I visited her today, my gut told me she'd make it through this new challenge. I know she'll beat whatever this is, even if it is cancer returning. She's too stubborn to let it take over her life. But, why does she even have to deal with it again? It seems so unfair.

So, I am lucky to have three more days. Maybe I will feel done when I leave Scripps parking lot and relinquish my Free-Parking-wristband. Or, maybe I will feel free when Todd and I are driving to LA to catch our plane. Perhaps it will register that I am finished while having High Tea in Sydney or petting a koala along the Great Ocean Road.

The sooner the better!

Rolling, rolling, rolling....light at the end of the tunnel

This fourth round aftershock is really a rollercoaster. I thought I'd stepped off the ride yesterday but, that doesn't appear to be the case.

Last night, when I went to bed I ended up having hot flashes, I'm talking waking up drenched in sweat, along with numbness in my right index finger and thumb, numbness in my left foot and the occasional shooting pain down my legs. Let's just say it wasn't my most peaceful slumber to date. Unfortunately, it lasted through today as well.

Because I felt and looked like death warmed over, I frantically tried to get my yoga class covered this morning. Literally dialing up until 10:15 and the class starts at 10:35am. I made it through by sheer stubborness, although I did have to teach the last 30 minutes just sitting on my mat. Wobbly and weak.

Enough of detailing my litany of physical ailments, as that is very boring. But, if someone else reading this has experienced the same thing, maybe it is helpful to not feel like the only person in the world with a body out of control.

The nature of this disease is simply isolating. The other day, I was talking to my friend who just completed her chemotherapy. We concurred that it is often easier to just stay in the house then make the effort to put on the makeup, wig and/or hat. And, when I am feeling that way, I really don't feel like me. Shut down.

Today, I finally got to catch up with one of my best friends and hear all the wonderful things that are happening in her life. A nice lengthy phone conversation felt like a luxury. It felt so great to connect. I am looking forward to the time where spending time on the phone and in person is once again the norm. I miss my friends. Love this photo of us in Cabo.

Okay, the rollercoaster is definitely soaring now! Todd and I just booked our tickets to Australia for September 17th to October 3rd. My first trip to the land down under. I can't believe it!! This trip will be the light at the end of the tunnel! Yippee!!