Trying to stay present

How to measure time these days?

The present: Megan arrived today and it is wonderful having her here. Taught three classes. One with hat hair and two in my little beanies.

I freaked out a little bit this morning because the hat-hair elastic strap that goes across the forehead broke. I wasn't prepared to leave the house with only a beanie. So, I stapled it together and went to teach my active.com yoga class. The hat hair wouldn't survive in the heated yoga room at Sculpt Fusion so, I braved it with the cotton beanie. It worked. I just try not to look in the mirror.

The future: Chemo Round #2 is Thursday. I'm trying not to dwell on it
but, I've got to start all the pre-treatments, aka steroids, tomorrow. So much preparation for three hours in the lounge chair at Scripps. So much preparation to get sick. So much stress knowing what is coming. I'm not dreading the actual treatment, just the aftermath. Praying that I can prevent the bone pain this time.

At least I don't have to worry about my hair falling out.

This photo is what came out Saturday morning.

Baby steps.....

Hat hair without the hat....

Once the champagne wore off and reality set in, I realized I am bald. Bald, bald, bald. Although I was surprised to discover that my head is very nicely shaped, I'd really prefer to have some hair covering it. There was no way I was leaving the house. The walk didn't happen yesterday afternoon.

To add insult to injury, not only am I bald, my scalp is tender and painful. Patti recommended a baking soda and water poultice to soothe it. It wasn't pretty to have a white pasty cap, but it was magically refreshing and soothing. Putting the wig or even a hat on just added pressure to my already tender little head.

Rocking the baldness outside of the confines of the condo was not an option. Not happening yet. Or, possibly ever.

Today, I resolved to brave the elements. For Outing #1, Pilates, I wore the wig. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite recall all the techniques to make it look realistic and natural. I looked a bit like Miss Piggy. My students were kind but, I wasn't comfortable. I zoomed home and ripped it off and slapped on some baking soda paste.

For Outing #2, Todd and I walked at the lagoon. I sported the hat hair in a ponytail. It felt relatively natural. But, when I got home, my head was tender again. Back to baldness. It just feels better to have nothing on it right now.

Outing #3 was supposed to be teaching yoga. I chickened out today, however, and got a substitute. I just wasn't ready to face the world protected only with a thin cotton cover. I will do it tomorrow. I do like my cotton beanie and ordered three more in different colors.

I had some more acupuncture this afternoon to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is my brain these days. I felt incredibly relaxed when I left. Then, I headed back to Patti's for a little wig adjustment. She showed me a few tips, like pulling out the little "baby hair" around my face to soften the hairline. That woman is a miracle worker. We'll see if I can replicate her handiwork when I try it again. I guess it will just take practice. It seems like a lot of work.

Enough about the hair.

How am I really feeling about this latest development? On one hand, I'm a little relieved because it is over. I am bald, bald, bald at last. The anticipation, the horror of losing my hair is over. It was one of the worst aspects of this journey thus far. Now, it is reality. No more anticipation. Just dealing with the present reality.

Round #2 is my new reality. Dealing with the aftermath of Round #2 will be my reality over the next week.

I've also been thinking a lot about what this all means for my career. I'd thought I had it all figured out and was on the brink of getting all I thought I wanted. Perhaps not. There must be a reason why all my career plans are on hold. Why I cannot move forward. Why I can merely tread water by hanging on to some of my classes. I am clinging to the belief that the universe has something huge around the corner for me. I'm just not clear on the path.

Over the last week or so, I've been reminded of my interest in life coaching. My idea had been to combine it with yoga to achieve a true balance between personal and professional life for my clients. Maybe this interim will give me the opportunity to delve into this concept more. An old friend, who is a successful coach, offered to work with me to explore the potential. Who knows? A path to explore.

My best friend Megan is coming out to stay with me for Round #2. She arrives tomorrow and I'm really excited to spend time with her, although it probably won't be that much fun for her. Selfishly, I'm thrilled to have her here anyway.
The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I get to see Meg.

Hair Removal: Part 2 of 2

The Cat In the Hat on Claire's Hair
I have no hair
I do not care
My locks are gone
And I am free
I am beautiful bald
As you can see
Now in the mornings, my sweet dears
I do not brush
I do not fuss
So envy, envy, envy me
While you are primping, wasting time
I can change my look on a dime
I'm ready to go with a wig or a hat
Fast out the door
Now try and top that! (by Elizabeth Olson)

Mimosas are the best. Yesterday afternoon was a lot of fun. Really, I didn't even cry. Anne, Angie and Joanna and I shared mimosas and yummy snacks in preparation for heading down to Patti's for my shearing and hair fitting. Lots of laughter.

The mimosas went down so smoothly, in fact, that we realized we needed a designated driver to chauffer us to Patti's. Enter my wonderful boyfriend Todd. Not only did he drive us down, he dog-sat Puffy, Angie's little dog, and picked us up. Thanks Todd!

Patti made the experience fun. We had a small snafu as my Pralines and Cream shade didn't come in on time. We've got to wait until April 6th. In lieu of it, we used the same wig style in a lighter blonde. So, it looks like I just went for the peroxide. The wig looks amazingly real. Patti custom fit it to my head, trimmed it to look more like mine. Really cool. I also absolutely love my hat hair. What fun to have long, thick blonde hair under my hats!! Let's just hope they don't blow off.

The shearing was interesting. Patti has done this before so, she wisely had me turned away from the mirror. My remaining hair was so knotted that she just whacked it off. First, we saw what I looked like with a short, beveled bob and surprise, surprise: it was cute! Who knew? I guess since the last time I had a bob was when I had the bad perm in high school, I didn't think I'd ever look okay. I also like the "Posh" short wig and may get that too. Again, who knew?

When she brandished the clippers, I began to quiet. My head is very tender and some of the hair holding on is very painful and sensitive to the touch. She stopped because it was hurting me so much. I knew I should've brought a bottle of champagne with me!

Now, there are two main comparisons for my shorn head. A nun in a black and white 1960's french film or the women in the old Charlie's Angels episode where Cheryl Ladd was kidnapped by a maniac who kidnapped pretty women, made them wear burlap robes and sheared off their hair. Either way you look at it, it isn't pretty. I'd like the remaining inch or so to be removed.

My head still hurts so, I'm sitting here with nothing covering it. So ugly. But, I'm in the house and Todd and the cats are just stuck with it.

We're going for a walk later. I think it shall be the hat hair and baseball cap. HOT!

Hair Removal: Part 1 of 2

Today is the day.

When I showered this morning, the deluge began. I tried to catch some of the clumps and throw them in the trash can so they wouldn't clog the drain completely. What a milestone: my final shampoo and conditioner for around three months. How much will I save in shampoo and conditioner costs? Highlights? Haircuts?

You, who have chosen to follow along my journey cannot escape what I saw this morning. Sorry. This is the sink after combing out my hair after the shower. Pretty powerful stuff. What is that old cliche? A picture is worth a thousand words?

I'll definitely be saving in waxing and shaving. Not to be too personal but, it is all part of the process. Being half-Mediterranean, I've always fantasized about not having any hair below my nose-line. And, spent a lot of money to remove said hair. My little sideburns pulled right out. My eyebrows and eyelashes seem unscathed for now. They better stay. Or else.

I do realize that this means the chemo drugs are killing the rapidly dividing cells. Is that the silver lining?

I went to the cat house at Petco this morning with my remaining hair carefully pulled up into a little twist. And, I mean little. I'd lean forward and feel the clip shift slightly and was again afraid that the whole thing would just drop off. Lucky for me and the kitties that didn't happen.

The cats seem to know I've got issues. Each one sniffed my eyelashes, brows and hairline and gave me a little kiss. They were all very sweet and mellow with me today. I love my fellow volunteers! McCabe, another volunteer, brought me some beautiful healing rocks and I finally picked up a CD that Kate, another volunteer, had made for me. Music to dissipate anger.

Currently, I don't feel angry. I cannot pinpoint my emotional state. I am ready to rip the remaining mop off my head. The molting is, simply put, gross. My heart is racing a bit, perhaps my adrenaline is up, a thread of anticipation to just get this part completed.

I appreciate everyone's comments and confidence that I will look beautiful bald or with various headcoverings. The jury is still out. We'll have to see apres-shearing today. I will take photos.

I can confirm that I look like a 65 year old gypsy who should be leading a donkey, with water buckets over her shoulders, with the scarf. Trust me. And, for anyone who remembers my hair senior year at Oakton High School or in the spiral perm days of the late 1980s, you do know what a difference hair can make!!

Bring on the buzzer. I'm ready.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow....

This photo is from the wig party we went to back in September. Who knew wigs would become such a big topic in my life?

I was smart to not take my hair out of the Pippi braids all day yesterday. No more trauma. I was not equipped to resist hysteria.

I had no choice this morning. I had to wash the hair before I went to teach. Combing my hair, very gently mind you, resulted in it coming out in clumps. Whereas yesterday, about 20 strands would come out at a time, this morning it was more like 50-60. It felt like I was, once again, starring in a horror movie and couldn't escaoe. I held the hair in my hand, staring blindly at it before dropping it in the trash can.

In the shower, I gently used the special shampoo that Anaise sent me, especially formulated for cancer patients. I conditioned my rapidly depleting locks. Despite my carefulness, my hair continued to fall out. Whipping open the shower curtain, I happened to glance down and screamed at what appeared to be a tarantula crouched on my hip. The positive: it wasn't a poisonous spider. The negative: it was enough hair to convince me otherwise, if only for a second.

You'd think with all the shedding that I would have bald patches. No. My hair just looks really thin. With care, I slowly rebraided my hair. This seemed to be the safest mode for preservation. I don't think I cried. I don't remember.

The speed of the molting convinced me that I couldn't wait until Sunday to buzz it off. It has to be tomorrow. I cannot endure two more days. And, who knows, I might have a bald spot by then. For some reason, more of the pretty blonde strands have exited and the grays are holding on tenaciously. It figures. The grays started showing up back when I was in law school and up until now, I've done a pretty darn good job of camouflaging them. Wow, no secrets anymore.

I taught my 10:35am Frogs class and it was fantastic. Love the yogis!! The room was saturated in beautiful, strong, calming energy. Thank you for providing this solace for me. I almost lost my composure a few times because when I'd bend over to demo a pose, my braids would shift with me. I was terrified one was going to just fall off and plop onto someone's mat. You know, like how in those zombie movies a limb would just drop?

I've summoned the troops to accompany me to Patti's house for the buzzing and wig fitting. Angie and Joanna are making the journey down from LA and some of the local girls are coming as well. I'm going to have to consume some liquid courage, most likely in the form of mimosas, prior to doing the actual deed. I just pray that I can handle this part of it with dignity. Doubt it.

Patti promises to custom fit my wig so that I can walk out the door with hair. I trust her implicitly. She is such an angel and as she is a survivor, she understands. My wig will look great and I'll feel fine. My hat hair will also be cute and I can mimic my Pippi braids with a baseball cap for working out.

Monday, I'm meeting with Lois, my acupuncturist and her mother, who does hypnotherapy. The original purpose was to give me some tools for handling this depression that won't stop knocking on my door but, I'm going to ask if she can suggest to me that bald is beautiful while I'm under.

It can't hurt.

Shedding strands...

What a ride. The last few days have been intense.

The good side: it was Todd's birthday yesterday, as evidenced by him sitting in front of the Happy Birthday bag. We went to lunch at Claire's on Cedros. Claire's, besides having an excellent name, has excellent food and a charming, cottage-like ambiance. Later, we spent a quiet evening at home, toasting Todd's turning 41 with a Newton 2001 Cabernet Sauvignon that had been comfortably resting on its side for the last five years. It was my first taste of wine since chemo. I am happy to report that it went down smoothly.

Teaching continues to go well. I am grateful to have such a positive world in which to immerse myself, if only on a limited schedule. Glimmers of panic pop up intermittently that I am not in position to grow my business. In January, I was poised to expand my clientele, to maximize my new role as Lululemon Ambassador, to host a retreat, and to film some workouts for ExerciseTV. And, now? Holding pattern. Medical bills are rolling in and although my insurance is excellent, it doesn't cover everything. Scary.

Physically, I continue to feel better each day. No nap today! I did sit by the pool for about an hour and my skin didn't react negatively to the sun, as they cautioned me could be a chemo side-effect. Slathered in sunscreen, armed with Twilight: finally some relief. I'd realized that I'd read the other books in the series twice and had neglected to read the original more than once. Quelle horror! For some reason, I can just check out with this story. Anything that works.

I desperately need to escape. Why was I feeling so distraught last night and this morning? I've started shedding. When I comb my hair, several strands slip out in the comb. I'm talking four times the usual shedding that occurs. Mind you, I don't have a lot of hair. Seeing twenty at a time exiting at an alarming rate does not make for a positive attitude.

I know it is temporary. I know that this too shall pass. But, this may be the worst part so far. I'd even take that doctor slicing up my liver a few weeks ago again over this. Hair is important. Geez, I'm the girl who in high school had a terrible perm and haircut and literally wouldn't leave the house for two weeks. My hair is a comfort zone for me.

I'm not the ideal candidate for baldness or rocking the bald head. I see others do it. I know it can be done. I respect the women who can carry it off. Is the hair the trigger that is setting me off or being bald that horrible. Or, both. I mean, I don't even wear hats, unless I'm in the sun. Adjustment time. I've got a wig and will have the hat hair but, bottom line my bald head will be a constant visible reminder of cancer.

Regardless of which part of this journey triggered my despair, I felt hopeless this morning. It all feels like too much to bear. A battle with no true end in sight. I'm struggling with the contradiction of living day by day and consoling myself with these side-effects being only temporary. I feel like I'm missing out on living each day to the fullest. I feel caged. Restrained. Frustrated.

How to handle these up and downs?

I'm going to try more acupuncture for the depression/anxiety that I cannot seem to control. I'm going to remind myself of all the love and support that I'm blessed enough to have surrounding me. Nonetheless, with each passing day, I increasingly feel isolated.

My friend suggested planning something fun in conjunction with each chemo round so that I have something to look forward to. Ever since I ran the animal rescue in LA, I've dreamed of visiting the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah. Todd and I began researching a trip in May, prior to Round 4. You get to volunteer with the animals all day and you can even take a dog for an "overnight" to stay with you while you are there. I am so excited at the prospect of going and just interacting with and helping the animals for a few days. Animals calm me.

I hope we go.

A pretty good day

I'm so happy to be back to teaching this week. It feels great to be around all the positive, healthy people! I am blessed to be able to teach others and focus exclusively on them for a while. And, it helps me keep the demons at bay. I feel the depression lapping at the edges constantly now.

Then, I met Nancy, who is also going through treatment, at the lagoon for a walk. I won't call it a power walk because my pace wasn't there but, it felt great anyways. Batiquitos lagoon is truly magical. It is comforting to be able to vent with someone who is going through the same unasked for journey. To commiserate. To empathize fully. We both have energy in the morning and crash in the afternoon.

My dance card was full today. Next, I met Meredith for lunch at Lotus Cafe. Meredith's lunch looked great, mine wasn't as tasty. I ordered the vegetarian chili and I'm just jaded. Randi's vegetarian chili is the bomb and nothing could compare. I now know better than to order it anywhere else. It was lovely to catch up with Meredith. I think she may have promised to make me homemade mac n cheese. Mer? Pretty please?

As nap-time now appears to be set for 2pm PST each day, I made my way home. And, took a nap. Actually, these afternoon naps are kind of like a dozing fest. I'm not sure how much actual sleep I get but, the cats are very pleased with my new habit. Finally! Mom gets it. No napping alone in this house.

Taught this evening at 6:15 and again, it was fabulous to be in the studio teaching. But, that's all I've got. I'm ready for bed. At 9:15pm, Todd's already there. What's his excuse? It is his Birthday Eve and the sooner he sleeps, the sooner he is the official Birthday Boy.

No profound insights today. Just logging it in. One day at a time. This photo makes me nostalgic for last summer: tan, healthy with muscles.