* ocean soul yoga *

Crossing the finish line...

2012-01-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

Today marked an incredible first for me! My alkaline level tested at 7.5, which has never happened before.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the alkaline/acid levels in your body and how they impact your health. a 7.5 is the ideal number. When your body is too acidic, under the 7 range (or maybe 6.5), you are much more susceptible to disease. For instance, my levels tended to be in the 6 range throughout my cancer treatment, no matter how many vegetables I ate or green drinks I consumed. I am officially detoxed!

Success! As today is the night before my two-year anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis, it feels really good to know that my body is healthy inside.

So, once again, I didn't sleep last night. I felt very tired and kind of weak today and it is hard to tell if that is because I am wanting more solid food or if I'm just exhausted from sleeplessness. Probably a combination of the two. I will not lie: I am hungry.

Today's drinks were delicious! If I were to rank my favorite flavors of the cleanse:

1. The smoothies--satisfied my sweet tooth
2. the juices--really fresh and enjoyed the variety
3. the elixirs--yummy and right in the nick of time in the late afternoon
4. the salads--tasty and you get to chew!
5. the soups--I am not really a soup person. I rarely, if ever, eat it. These were definitely tasty and unique and if you do love soup, you'll be in heaven.

Overall, this has to be the freshest, most satisfying and varied cleanse around. The care and love put into every single detail from the packaging to the preparation is obvious. I felt supported and was able to ask questions and ask for help at any time. Lisa and Meredith were very responsive.

I will admit: I resisted cleanses for years and only tried my first one last year in an effort to purify my body from all the drugs and radiation. This is not something I'll do every month! When I do a cleanse again, which will not be for quite a while, it will definitely be Beaming. I am only doing 3 days of the 4 but, feel like I got great benefits!

I feel lighter and leaner and ready to incorporate some of the tools I gained in my everyday diet. I'm also happy to have zero cravings.

Day 2: Energy and Emotions

2012-01-10T21:11:00.000-08:00

Day 2: Unfortunately, I didn’t have a good night’s sleep last night. I was so sure that I would sleep like a baby because I had no caffeine or sugar. Perhaps all those greens energized me too much? Or, the Full Moon did its thing?

Despite the sleepless night, I did wake up with a lot of energy and that increased once I had my green drink. It is so funny to me that I voluntarily consume beverages with Kale listed as a primary ingredient. If you’d like to hear my true view on Kale, please check out this older post when I was forced to consume it: http://clairepetretti.blogspot.com/2010/01/kale-kale-everywhereeven-in-mammoth.html. I enjoyed this morning’s green drink and when I went to teach my 9am yoga class at Reform Yoga, I was flying.

Once again my smoothie was delicious. We had the option of swapping out the lunch soup with the dinner salad. As I think I need the solid food in the middle of the day, I gobbled up the delicious salad. These salads are so delicious and each one has been different. I love the variety. The cleanses I’ve done before became very monotonous and now I look forward to the different juices and meals each day.

My energy remained high in the afternoon and I ended up cleaning the house and finishing up a variety of business projects. Teaching my third class of the day at 7pm was a little bit rough, I must admit. My legs just gave up on me in Garudasana. I had to advise my students to "Do as I say, not as I do." Perhaps I should have rested this evening after such an active day?

I’m happy to be halfway through the cleanse already! I’m going to take advantage of the Beaming Bucks at 20 Lounge in Cardiff and add a honey mask to my pedicure. Yes! I love pampering.

I must admit that I’ve felt a lot of emotions come up today, especially ones from the past. I wonder if I am releasing those as well as the physical toxins? What a fabulous benefit that would be.

Happy New Year with Beaming Cleanse

2012-01-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

If someone had told me two years ago that I would be embarking upon a 4 day post-holiday cleanse and that I would be excited about it, I would have laughed.

Times sure have changed.

Two years ago, on January 12, 2010, I was diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer. And, this blog documented my rollercoaster of a journey. So much has happened since then and most of it is positive. As I approach my two year anniversary, I want to feel healthy and strong. I've learned how vital nutrition is to radiant health.

I am really excited to be experiencing the Beaming cleanse with several other people in San Diego. Of course, I want to feel rejuvenated, lighter and leaner but, these days I am more focused on detoxifying my body. Like most people, I was a glutton over the holidays and need to break my sugar addiction. Should the side-benefit of weight loss occur from this endeavor, I wouldn't mind one bit.

Day 1: Yesterday, I received my Beaming cleanse bag from the pick-up site in Solana Beach, The Nest. The refrigerated bag unzipped to reveal organized and labeled juices, soups, elixirs and a salad. Everything was numbered in order of how they were to be consumed. I really like how Beaming is making it easy to follow the program. Beautiful presentation: I was very impressed.

I admit that I was worried about not having my daily morning cup of coffee. And, I did feel a little shaky without caffeine until I had Bottle #2 which was a really yummy smoothie. After that, the raw soup for lunch energized me enough to enjoy a walk on the beach. I’m excited for dinner: a scrumptious looking salad. Everything was prepared with care and attention to detail. It feels like I've checked into a luxurious spa vacation and my personal chef is catering to me.

Overall, Day 1 went well and I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I really haven't been hungry and more importantly, I'm not craving anything at all, which is amazing.

I’ve picked up Day 2’s container, which just happened to be green. Coincidence?

What a difference a year makes!

2011-02-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

February 26th: it was one year ago today that I had my second surgery. Some of you may recall that I referred to it as my Don't put Baby in the Corner day. I don't mean to be an enormous cliche but, I cannot help myself: what a difference a year makes. Today's San Diego Union-Tribune features an article on me called, "Yoga Instructor Doesn't Let Cancer Keep Her Down."

Seriously. I don't know that the link is up yet but, I've got the paper in my hot little hands. Section B. Page 2.

Many have asked me to keep blogging. And, I now feel that I can. My fingers have been tingling to tap the keys. I've been so focused on helping coordinate the Yoga for Hope event on March 5th and on teaching my new classes at MiraCosta College that I haven't had the energy. Ahh, the irony that last year I complained about feeling like I was in limbo, in an incubator, stagnant like a dying pond. Now, it is all I can do to maintain the pace. Again, what a difference a year makes.

Last year at this time, I had months of treatment ahead of me. Now, I'm in the rebuilding phase. I must say that although I'm continuing to get stronger, it isn't as fast as I would prefer. Not fast enough. Never fast enough. But, I need to remind myself how far I've come and be patient. Ahhh, patience. That virtue that failed to miraculously appear. Never had it, and probably never will. I guess I just am eager to gobble up life now.

My yoga practice feels better each time I step onto the mat and I am extremely grateful. I'm so grateful that I can get up and go to class. Period. I can go for hour-long walks again. Even up hills! My hair is now long enough that people think I chose to have a chic short do. Honestly, the hair is too stylish for me! I can't wait until it is longer and I can put it in a ponytail. For now, I am thrilled to have my own hair.

My battle with Tamoxifen, the evil estrogen-blocker that I am sentenced to consume for the next five years, is not progressing well. The side-effects are not disappearing. The side-effects stink. It has gotten to the point where the insomnia was so unbearable that I had to stop taking it. For two blissful weeks, I felt great: no bloating, constipation, hot flashes, depression, mood swings. I've re-started it at a lower dosage, although my doctor doesn't know that yet. I am trying to find that balance between my quality of life now and whether I believe that the tamoxifen is as vital as the medical community tells me. Again, I'm not convinced.

The last few weeks have been a flurry of media activity to promote Yoga for Hope. This event is so amazing and I am thrilled at the positive response we've received.

I need to prepare my speech. It only has to be three minutes but, I want it to be great. Part of the struggle lies in the fact that EVERY survivor has an important story and how is mine unique? All I can do is share my experience and hope that it resonates. No pressure.

I just want to make sure I emphasize that I wouldn't be here without the support and love of everyone in my life. Absolutely, no question: the biggest gift was learning to receive. Thank you.

Musings on the ending of 2010

2010-12-29T12:50:00.000-08:00

For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.
-- T.S. Eliot

As 2010 draws to a conclusion, I must admit that I feel a great deal of pressure to create a few pithy blog entries. Lovely passages that sum up this rollercoaster of a year. Lovely passages thanking all the beautiful people in my life without whom I wouldn't have survived. Lovely passages reflecting in a nice, neat manner all that I am thankful for. Lovely passages listing out all that I have learned. Lovely passages wrapping up this year-long journey in a beautifully wrapped bow.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

Instead, I have to say that December has been scattered, at best. Talk about changes. Endings. Beginnings. I haven't sat down and truly reflected on everything that transpired this year, both cancer and non-cancer related. Or, is everything somehow cancer related because the bulk of my time was spent fighting it?

Last December, I had a reading from a Psychic/Tarot reader who told me that I would receive all I wanted in this lifetime: love, success in my chosen endeavors, passion, security but, at a price. She said that my life was tinged with bittersweet and as long as I could accept the bitter with the sweet, I would be fine. So, in reviewing 2010, let's see if that holds up.

It is so true that you should never give up hope because you never know what is just around the corner. Who could have predicted on January 1st where I would be today? Or, on January 12th, when I was formally diagnosed with cancer?

One of my dreams is to become a successful author: I now have a full manuscript and am in the process of submitting it for publication. What was the price? Cancer. It may take me a while to get it published but, I've proven to myself that I can write daily and be disciplined. Finishing my romance novel is next.

I have grown closer to some amazing people and am thrilled at the richness and depth of the burgeoning relationships. What was the price? Letting go of other relationships that did not withstand the cancer. I know that people often come into your life for a period of time and then move on and that is okay. I am still very sad at some of the losses but, am choosing to accept and let go. My family and true friends have been amazing and I am not yet able to articulate all I am feeling in that regard.

Todd stood by me throughout this most challenging of years and really showed me how real our love is. We are enjoying re-establishing the new normal. I don't know how you ever really thank someone for all the love and selfless devotion it takes to be the partner of someone in treatment for cancer. I guess by healing and moving on? Or, a Rolex?

I just cannot believe that it has been almost a year. Wow. I am not going to say that I am a better person for having cancer because I don't think that I am. It has definitely changed my path and deepened my purpose in helping and healing. But, at the end of the day, I am the same Claire who loves the people in her life, the same Claire that is the little old cat lady in training, the same Claire who loves teaching, the same Claire who likes to rock out to Guns N Roses, the same Claire who yells at all the incompetent drivers, the same Claire that loves bread, cheese, wine and chocolate.

Same old Claire: now if the hair would just grow faster!

Insomnia, insomnia, go away!

2010-12-13T01:02:00.000-08:00

It is 1am Sunday night and I cannot fall back asleep. When will the insomnia stop plaguing me? I fell asleep normally but, woke up about 45 minutes ago and sleep eludes me. Instead of suffering in bed, tossing and turning, I'll write.

Why am I awake? Let's see: my lymphedema seems to be acting up a little bit and the giant oven-mitt night sleeve feels extremely tight and constricting. When I removed it to type on the computer, the grooves on my arm are deep. In fact, this sleeve has woken me up numerous nights simply from the discomfort. I guess that means it is working?

Next, the hot flashes are hitting me hard again. I think it is time to see Lois again for some acupuncture. The last round must have worn off or something! As I write, my face feels flushed with heat.

And, tomorrow or should I say today, I've got my first MRI check-up post-treatment. We did the mammogram a few weeks back and they said it looked clear. Well, last September my mammogram was normal and I found the tumor four months later. Not exactly reassuring.

In February, the MRI was one of a myriad of tests that really sucked. Really horrible. They put an IV in my arm with dye and it is painful. Then, they have you lay down in a machine with your boobs in slots as the jackhammering of the machine blots out the rest of the world.

I am not looking forward to it. At all.

So, I guess the combination of these three things is keeping my brain active despite the tiredness of my mind and body.

Life continues to fly at a pace that I can barely keep up with. There is just so much to do! All positive! I continue to remind myself to breathe. Pause and breathe.

Between preparing the syllabus and course outline for the Spring semester at MiraCosta, arranging and attending meetings for the upcoming Yoga for Hope event, www.yogaforhope.org/sd, sending out query letters to agents for my proposed book, being interviewed for Vision Magazine, setting up a meeting with a videographer to discuss filming a DVD for Yoga for Cancer Recovery, preparing for Christmas, and continuing to build my yoga practice and physical activity back up to pre-cancer levels and oh yes, teaching, I'm riding the magic carpet ride!

Micaela and Todd from EpicPhotoJournalism took some amazing photos of me for the Yoga for Hope event, including the one in this post. A symbol of rebirth and healing.

I am looking forward to a lull in the activity to sit and reflect on all the changes for 2010. Some powerful transitions and transformations this year. I feel blessed to be feeling as good as I feel and to have so many amazing people in my life.

An Emotional Week....in a good way

2010-12-01T21:23:00.000-08:00

Throughout my treatment, one of my persistent themes seemed to be that I felt stagnant, that life was passing me by, that everyone and everything else was moving forward and I was stuck in cancer treatment limbo.

Well, that phase is most definitely over.

Now, I'm holding on tight as life is speeding along at an incredible rate. The blessings, the gifts, the amazing people that I am meeting, the joy that I am feeling is slightly overwhelming. All in a good way but, wow!

I am really excited about the new job at MiraCosta College starting next month. My hefty HR packet arrived, which makes it all seem very official. I'll be working with an awesome group of people, getting paid to do what I love. I've missed being an active part of a yoga teacher training program and am really looking forward to it. Time to dive deep!

And, I've been blogging less because I've been focused on crafting a query letter to find a literary agent. I'm adapting the blog into a book. Based on all of the feedback that I have received, I believe that I can really help others with my story. So, I've been researching agents and starting the process of getting published. Fingers crossed!

This week has been very emotional. World AIDS Day struck me quite hard as I paused to remember my brother Paul, who died at age 27 and my brother Andre who died at age 34 from this disease. It has been 20-plus years now and still feels like yesterday. I guess you never really get over that type of loss, do you? Tragic. Everything seems to be striking me strongly and that is okay. I've cried more in the last few weeks then I have in the last six months. I guess it is time to release.

On that note, my friend Tracy took me to the most magical, fabulous yoga class ever. We went to the Yinki class at Soul of Yoga on Thursday night. We were in Pigeon for six minutes on each side and the teacher was also performing Reiki healing. I've been battling a hip-flexor issue in my right hip forever. And, after that class, I feel like I've been healed. It is nothing short of miraculous. I'm so excited at this discovery!!

My body finally is starting to feel like MY body again. I took some great classes this week and some shifts are occurring. Finally. Patience is not my greatest virtue (ahem) and it has been a challenge this year to contend with all the delays in returning to a regular yoga and Pilates practice. I feel that I've crossed the line into truly feeling at home in my body again. Unifying the physical with the emotional and mental. At last.

On a comical note, I learned that my body is on the www.lululemon.com website! They used some of my ambassador photos. If you go to the site, there I am under Jackets and Pants. What is the funny part? My head is cut off. I don't know whether I should feel offended or flattered? I think I'll just stick with amused.

Gratitude

2010-11-29T10:42:00.000-08:00

My oh my, the blog entries have been few and far between this month! I guess now that I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I've not been as diligent in committing words to paper. I'm not even sure where to begin.

Thanksgiving in Virginia was lovely. Before flying home, I was apprehensive about the trip. I hadn't seen any family and friends since going through treatment and part of me didn't feel up to talking about treatment, didn't feel like explaining my punk rock hairdo. Of course, being with my family felt very positive and I was happy to see everyone's relief at me looking healthy. After a few glasses of wine, everyone was telling me that I should keep my hair short because I looked like a model. Keep on drinking people! It isn't terrible but, it just doesn't feel like me. Let's just say I am continuing to grow it as fast as I can!

The most exciting news is that I received confirmation that my new part-time professional endeavor will start in January. I've been hired as an assistant professor at MiraCosta College in Cardiff. What will I be teaching you ask? I'll be teaching in the Kinesiology/Health Department for the Yoga Certification program. I've always enjoyed teacher training and this will be an awesome venue. I cannot wait! This will round out my schedule very nicely.

My strength and flexibility continues to grow each day. I'm consistently practicing yoga and with each class I am able to do more and more of the vinyasa flow that I love. One of these days I anticipate feeling completely at home in my body again. I'm definitely receiving daily lessons in patience, acceptance and humility.

Life is good.

Yoga to the rescue!

2010-11-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

Today, I was reminded once again of the power of practice. I attended a lovely vinyasa class and felt so calm and peaceful afterwards. It just feels so darned good to be able to practice the style of yoga that I love again. What a gift. Stepping onto the mat feeling off and exiting it feeling on. I swear it feels like a recalibration from the inside out. Wake up, yoga, rest, repeat.

I also saw Lois, my fabulous acupuncturist, to discuss using acupuncture and TCM, traditional chinese medicine, to deal with the hot flashes and the head. I feel very confident in her skills and the strength of natural remedies. Check out her blog: www.acupunctureactually.wordpress.com

The alternative isn't viable. Trust me.

There is an excellent reason that I didn't blog yesterday. My pupils were enormous, chills traveled up and down my spine and arms, my reaction time was a half-beat behind everyone elses and I just felt weird. Driving felt like I was a player in a video game. Why? I succumbed in a moment of desperation to effexor on Tuesday and Wednesday. Let's just say that it didn't sit well with my system. Medicine affects me strongly and although this was a very low dose, it made me totally crazy. I'd rather break into spontaneous sweat-fests several times a day then feel that way for an hour. And deal with waking up feeling melancholy.

I'll just remind myself that as soon as I wake up and start my day that I will feel just fine. Life is beautiful and precious and every single minute counts. Nobody knows how long we've got on this earth and I'm going to enjoy my time, sweaty or not.

Decisions, decisions....

2010-11-16T18:54:00.001-08:00

San Francisco was lovely. Spending quality time with Megan and her mom, Judy felt like visiting home. I believe that members of your true family are not always related through blood and we are indeed family.

Despite enjoying myself, a few nagging side-effects marred my time in San Francisco and have been weighing on me in recent weeks. This Tamoxifen. I'm into my fourth month on the drug that I believed wasn't affecting me too badly, except for the hot flashes. I thought they were dissipating but, actually, they are not. One second I'm comfortable, the next I am sweating like a hooker in church. How bad is that cliche? Hee hee.

In addition to the pesky twenty degree internal thermometer swings, I've continued to feel heavy, almost leaden when I wake up in the morning. Instead of springing out of bed ready to embrace the day, I have to very consciously psyche myself up. Once the day is in full-swing, however, I feel engaged in whatever I am doing.

From what I understand, this is a chemical reaction from the tamoxifen and perhaps some leftover effects from chemo and radiation. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I'm happy. Darn it. Seriously, everything is going very well for me. I've gone on several great trips, I am living and loving the present, my days are filled with loving caring people, I've got exciting plans for the immediate future in both the work and play arenas. In other words, there is no reason for me to feel depressed.

I consulted with the YSC group to see if others have felt this way. Oh yes. I have not lost that last marble! Reports of hot flashes, mood swings, depression, anger, weight gain, insomnia across the board. It is comforting to know I am not alone!

So, again we come to the debate of quality of life vs. staying on the medication. Kind of where I was when I wanted to stop after four rounds of chemotherapy. Well, one woman's story has convinced me to stay on the tamoxifen. She chose to stop it and four years later, the cancer returned, metastasizing in her bones and liver. They are actually now treating her, ironically, with the tamoxifen and it is working.

So, I guess I'll continue to be a sweaty dark beast for the next four years, eight months.

When I consulted my doctor, she prescribed Effexor because she says it will help with the hot flashes and the heavy head. More pills. I'm leery of introducing another drug into my system. I really don't want to take anything. But, I am tempted to try it for a few weeks and see if it helps. I'm also exploring the herb/acupuncture route. I'm increasing my yoga and exercise each day. It all has to help, right?

Just the other day, we were laughing at some of the pharmaceutical commercials on television. Idyllic scenes, depicting couples and puppies frolicking in fields filled with butterflies lounging on plump flowers with a soothing voiceover reading side-effects like those listed below.

The Effexor side effects:

THE GOOD: Headache, drowsiness, dizziness, nausea, weakness, dry mouth, constipation, loss of appetite, weight loss (the only two positives in the lot), blurred vision, tiredness, nervousness, trouble sleeping, sweating, yawning. May increase blood pressure.....

THE BAD: Call your doctor if:
severe pounding headache, unusual or severe mental/mood changes, shakiness, decreased interest in sex, changes in sexual ability, difficulty urinating....stomach/abdominal pain, chest pain, persistent cough, shortness of breath, bloody/black/tarry stools, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, easy bruising/bleeding, fast/irregular pounding heartbeat, muscle weakness/cramps, yellowing eyes/skin, dark urine, seizures, unusual tiredness....

THE UGLY: If that isn't enough for you, you may get "Serotonin Syndrome": hallucinations, fainting, restlessness, loss of coordination, severe dizziness, unexplained fever, nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, twitchy muscles. Men may get a 4 hour erection. Really.

Decisions, decisions.

Patchwork Petretti

2010-11-12T14:52:00.000-08:00

What a week! I'm winding down from running all over town for meetings, talks, walks and teaching gigs. Time to breathe and allow my nervous system to settle down. I'm heading up to San Francisco tomorrow to spend time with my BFF Megan and her amazing, wonderful mom Judy. I'm so excited.

The Complementary Care for Cancer event put on by the YSC went well. I was a little nervous but, it turned out fine. Speaking about yoga during cancer treatment and recovery should be a no-brainer but, I still cannot say, "I was diagnosed January 12th 2010" without my voice breaking. Practice, right? Hopefully by the time that I speak in front of the 500-1000 people at Yoga for Hope on March 5th, I will be able to do so without blubbering.

The Yoga for Hope webpage is up and ready for people to register and donate. I've got a team: Ocean Soul Yoga and would love for you to join me. www.yogaforhope.org/sd. Please check it out!

So, my gimpiness is slowly healing. My right hip flexor and hip were so out of joint that my right leg actually measured 3/4 inch shorter than the left! Can you say gimpy? Thanks to the brilliant Dan Selstead and ART therapy, I'm on the mend. I'm thrilled that I could practice yoga yesterday with few modifications. Seriously, all I want to do is walk several days a week, practice yoga 4 times a week and do pilates or Pure Barre 2-3 times. Nothing crazy.

Actually, it was quite amusing: a new pilates client of mine and I were discussing injuries and I was commiserating. Knee: yes, I had knee surgery back in June 2007. Back issues: yes, I've got herniations and bone spurs and arthritis at L4-L5. Neck issues: Oh yes, I was in a car accident and had neck surgery and now have an artificial disc at C5-6. All of these issues of course in addition to the cancer and the lymphedema sleeve. She looked at me and said, "You are a mess!" I guess that is one way to look at it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a little boat. I patch up one leak and then another one sprouts open. Is this what getting older feels like? I feel like I'm hobbling around with the sore hip flexor, the lymphedema sleeve, the crazy hair, the inability to go into the heated room because of radiation side-effects. High-maintenance much?

Despite all my physical issues, I am plugging along. Nobody will stop Patchwork Petretti. My brain and my spirit want to go, go, go and this darned body is coming along, whatever it takes!

Tomorrow: yoga in the morning and then off to San Fran to spend time with two of my favorite people in the world. Life is good.

"C" is for....

2010-11-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

Clear!

Today I went in for my first mammogram post-cancer treatment. The radiologist said that everything looked good. I have an MRI next month, which generally shows more.

Oops, and I just realized that I still had a sticker on my boob, where they mark the incision. Just peeled off a pink sticker with a strawberry pattern on it. Interesting.

So, the head of radiology, who is actually the woman who gave me two of the most painful experiences: biopsy and shooting in a radioactive isotope pre-surgery, came in to say hello. Her first comment was, "didn't you have much longer hair before?"

Um, yes.

I don't think I need to elaborate any more on that.

I was discussing with someone today whether I was considered "cancer-free" and my answer was "I guess so." Basically, the oncologists just say that they assume the chemotherapy and radiation worked based upon the statistics. You know what they say about assumptions, right? But, I guess I will just begin answering with an emphatic YES that I am cancer-free until someone tells me otherwise. Think positive right?

Oreo, my cat who was diagnosed with cancer in April, just climbed on my lap. He was given just months to live and he is still doing pretty well. He had to get a steroid injection on Monday and wasn't too pleased about it. But, they seem to prevent him from throwing up his dinner, which is a good thing. I'm glad that he is hanging on!

Tonight I am talking on the role that yoga plays in complementary care for cancer. The Young Survival Coalition is putting on the event that also features Christa Orecchio on nutrition and Mark Skalr on acupuncture. I'm convinced that the combination of these three protocols played a huge role in me maintaining the amount of strength and oomph that I did. Is oomph a word?

So, perhaps I should review my notes for the talk one more time....

Fall back and walking the Race for the Cure

2010-11-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

Fall back: it is a bit disconcerting that this weekend symbolizes the beginning of Fall, after our sun-drenched, 90 degree week. Summer in November! I love this time of year. Autumn symbolizes a time of renewal and rebirth, a time to shed the old and make room for the fresh and new. Participating in the Race for the Cure this morning seemed timely.

After sharing an excellent dinner with April and Matthew at Market last night, we made sure to turn the clocks back an hour. This was vital because we had to leave the house by 6am to meet up with the Young Survival Coalition group.

It didn't really matter because I was rudely awakened at 3am by a dream that I was being roasted on a spit over an open campfire. Like a marshmallow. Or a weenie. Not exactly, instead, when I awoke, I was drenched in sweat from these da**ed night sweat/hot flashes. Seriously, I am really over this. When will they cease? It is the most bizarre feeling because all of a sudden the back of your neck sizzles and poof, you are cooking from the inside out. Talk about generating tapas.

Anyway, Todd and I joined up with the YSC and close to 20,000 people who walked or ran in the Race for the Cure 5k. This is the first time I've ever received a medal for a race! Who cares if it was at a leisurely stroll, surrounded by groups of walkers with names like "Tits and Giggles", "Save Second Base", and the "Boobie Brigade?" I sported a YSC banner that proclaimed me a Young Survivor, with my diagnosis date and age on the back. Todd wore a bib that stated he was celebrating me and my sister Yael.

Prior to participating in the race today, I was feeling rather apprehensive. Would this be uplifting? would it be upsetting? would I cry? or would I just be slightly hungover from one too many glasses of wine at dinner and four hours of sleep?

I'd say that this event proved to be amazing and overwhelming all at once. What seemed the most poignant to me were the countless groups walking in memory of a loved one. T-shirts with pictures of moms, sisters, grandmothers, friends abounded. And, made me realize yet again that I am one of the lucky ones who officially beat cancer. With all of this positive energy, how can a cure not be imminent?

Next up this week? An interview with City of Hope tomorrow, a talk at a YSC event, Complementary Care for Cancer regarding yoga's role in recovery and then off to San Francisco to visit my BFF Megan and the world's greatest mom, Judy!

Not bad for the beginning of Fall.

Yoga for Cancer Recovery: new day and new location!

2010-11-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

This class is open to anyone who is currently going through cancer treatment, who has completed treatment or is a co-survivor or caretaker of someone living with cancer. My intent is to create a safe community where we can come together with our shared bond and just feel better. As a breast cancer survivor, I can attest to how much yoga helped me.

Classes will now be held a beautiful, peaceful studio in Carlsbad/La Costa.

Location: PureBarre La Costa, 7720 El Camino Real, Suite E, Carlsbad, CA 92009

Day/Time: 10:30am on Thursdays starting in December.

Benefits of Yoga:

•Learn to handle the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation

•Experience healing techniques for the mind, body and spirit

•Boost energy, improve mood, learn relaxation and breath techniques to combat fatigue, stress, and pain

•Restore flexibility, strength, range of motion, enhance lymphatic flow, digestion and circulation

Classes are donation-based. What does this mean exactly? It means that each week, you pay what you can. The suggested donation is $5-15. But, if you can't make a donation, that is fine. I understand the financial difficulties associated with this journey.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to call me or email me at claire@oceansoulyoga.com.

Please bring your own yoga mat.

Makers Mark and Money

2010-11-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

So, I've not been too regular on the blog since my return from Australia. I'd wrestled with stopping it once I set foot on the plane but, several people told me that they'd like to continue hearing my escapades as I re-enter "normal" life. Or, should I say the "new normal?" Resuming regular life is part of this journey.

To be honest, I've been struggling a bit this week. Despite being blessed with some really awesome new opportunities, despite being done with treatment, despite the love and friendship, even despite the fast pace of my hair growth, each morning when I've woken up, I've felt rough. Part of the problem is that the hot flashes have been coming hotter and flashier. We are having summer in San Diego, 90 degrees today!, and my inner thermostat has officially gone haywire. I think I'm not recovered from radiation yet and my body just needs more time before I can get hot like I did Friday night. The flashes are constantly waking me up and I am exhausted.

I did, however, obviously get some sleep last night because I had a bizarre, colorful dream. In my dream, I went to the CVS to pick up my refill of Tamoxifin, the drug that gives hot flashes, and the pharmacist told me that they had a substitute for the Tamoxifin. Mind you, this is the same pharmacist I've seen way too much at Solana Beach CVS this year. I say, "Sure" because I just don't care. I've wrestled with the Tamoxifin-5-year-sentence, even skipping it for a few days here and there. What a rebel: ha!

This is where it gets funny. She then informs me that the replacement for Tamoxifin is 50 cases of Makers Mark. For those of you, like me, who don't know what Makers Mark is: it is "Straight Kentucky Bourbon." I had to google it. I am not a bourbon drinker. I'm not a liquor drinker for that matter.

Nonetheless, I acquiesce and she calls one of the assistants to help her. The next thing I know, they are stuffing bottles of Makers Mark and stacks of $100 and $50 bills into big black duffel bags and dumping them into my shopping cart. The pharmacist has to send the assistant to get another cart because 50 cases is a lot of liquor! I'm curious to know what this all means? Perhaps they want me to just get drunk and go shopping so I won't worry about a cancer recurrence?

I am fighting to feel good day by day. Teaching, walking, spending time with friends, focusing on all the gifts that I have in my life. Sometimes I just wonder why you don't just wake up feeling great every day. I wonder if it is always a process, a shift to focus on the positive, a choice of how you are going to spend your day and your life. Living in the present isn't always easy but, it is the only way for me to stay sane.

Maybe if I hadn't had all that Makers Mark last night, I would have sprung out of bed feeling like a million bucks!

Festivities, Hot Flashes and surprises

2010-10-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling filled with gratitude this weekend. Friends, fun and festivities.

Friday night I led a yoga class at Sculpt Fusion Yoga for Breast Cancer Awareness month. Donations went to the Young Survival Coalition, a group where I've found a great deal of support with other young women hit by cancer.

All week, I alternated between feeling excited to teach and nostalgic for the days when I could teach there without a concern. I hadn't been to SFY in months. I used to teach classes at SFY five times a week but, due to the chemo/radiation/lymphedema, my body betrayed me each time I stepped into the heated room. Either I'd feel dizzy and nauseous or the lymphedema flared up and my hand and arm would start swelling up again.

It was a great night and wonderful to see old faces. I really miss the community. I did have a big of a heat hangover afterwards. The class was supposed to be non-heated, however, an earlier class ended only fifteen minutes prior and the heat just didn't dissipate. So, everyone got a lot sweatier than anticipated and I ended up having a Hot-Flash kinda-night.

Apparently, it takes about three months for your body to get rid of the effects of the radiation. It makes sense I guess: 36 rounds of daily radiation is bound to leave some after-effects. So, part of the radiation legacy is that your internal body temperature clock doesn't work. No sleep for me. I was burning up and sweating and tossing and turning all night long. Clothes, lymphedema sleeve and even a cat or two went flying in the dark.

So, that cleared up any ambiguity regarding whether I was ready to practice or teach in the heat, even moderate. No need to hurry it. I'll try again. December 15th is the three month mark. Not unexpected but, nonetheless disappointing.

Two parties on Saturday! First stop was Lori's baby shower. She is going to be the best baby mama to little Natalie. And, Natalie is going to be a very well-dressed little girl! It was really nice to share in the celebration of new life with a lovely group of women.

Next, the fun began at 5pm at Party City where Todd and I and every other Halloween procrastinator battled over masks and costumes. We emerged unscathed with a couple of ornate masks, ready for a glass of wine and a surprise birthday party for Dino. At Blanca, everyone donned masks and let's just say that the birthday boy was suprised! Friends and family traveled from as far as Canada to share in the celebration.

A great reminder that you just never know what surprises are around the corner, right?

Whirlwind Week!

2010-10-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a whirlwind since I last wrote. An amazing career opportunity dropped into my lap and I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off to prepare all the submission requirements. It is a part-time gig and would fit in perfectly with everything else in my life. Fingers crossed!

Here's a hint: I had to order transcripts. Yes, college and law school transcripts. Really. And, of course, law schools being what they are, they won't allow you to order your transcript online. So, I had to drive up to USD Law School and walk in to the Registrar's office. Can I tell you what an out-of-body experience it was to step into Warren Hall? Flashbacks flowed fast and hard. I didn't run out of there but, I'd say it was a fast trot back to my car and off of that campus.

USD's campus is beautiful. I'm glad to see that my still-unpaid law school loans are keeping the gardeners in business. And, I'm sure that I saw a new wing to one of the buildings that was personally funded by my six-figure contribution.

I've frequently discussed that I have taken a lot of risks in my short little life and really don't have any regrets. Except, I do think if I had the chance for a redo, I would skip law school. Yes, skip it I would.

I'm finally back home for a little while. It seems like we'd just gotten accustomed to being back after Australia and then we flew to Savannah on Friday for my dear friend Angie's wedding. The wedding was fantastic, Angie was a beautiful bride and Darin a proud and emotional groom. I'd say the whole experience rated as one of the most perfect weddings ever!

I'm grateful that we were able to go. Life is short, friends are dear and experiences are what matter most. And, Savannah has to be one of the most unique and beautiful cities I've ever seen. I tried two new foods: fried green tomatoes, which were yummy and boiled peanuts, which were decidedly not. Gross.

Tuesday night I attended the YSC Spa Night at SK Sanctuary in La Jolla. The evening is put on by YSC and included free massages and facials, h'ors d'oevres, fabulous goodie bags and an inspiring speaker: Stefanie LaRue. Stefanie was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer at age 30 and told that she had 9 months to live. That was 5 years ago. She personifies hope. I know that I felt uplifted and happy after the evening.

Now I've got to go prepare for a yoga class that I am teaching tomorrow night for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The class will be held at Sculpt Fusion Yoga at 5:30pm, with all donations to benefit YSC. I'm looking forward to it!

Saved by a fork....life is back to normal!

2010-10-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

Life is returning to status quo. How do I know it?

What happened this afternoon wouldn't have happened while I was going through diagnosis and treatment. The Universe or God or whatever you choose to call the powers-that-be know that this escapade would have broken me just a few short months ago. Today, I wish I had it on film because it must've looked hysterical.

At approximately 11:50am, I exited the house to go teach my 12:15 yoga class at Frogs. I had everything I needed: new yoga mix loaded ipod, umbrella, and lunch in the form of quinoa salad from Seaside Market. I'd even brought a fork with me to eat said salad. I never bring silverware with me.

What was missing? Well, as the door clicked shut behind me, it struck me. I didn't have my keys. No car key. No house key. Oops. No spare key stored anywhere. Todd out of town until tomorrow night.

I was locked outside, in the rain mind you, with no way to get to class or to get back inside. Luckily, I did have my cell phone. "I'll just call the pet sitter," I thought. Well, Sally's phone just rang and rang, with no voicemail or answering machine picking up. Great.

The clock was ticking.

Next, I called Frogs and explained my embarrassing predicament to the resourceful Lori. Luckily, Franco, a yoga teacher was in the club and could step in for me at the last minute. I was free to focus on getting in.

Determined, I climbed up onto our balcony on the off chance that the sliding glass door might be unlocked. It wasn't. The cats stared at me from inside, completely baffled. I exited the slippery balcony as gracefully, ahem, as I had entered it. Next, I called Todd and he suggested I break into the dining room window, which is about 4-5 feet up from ground level. Wet, muddy, leaf-covered ground level.

In vain, I struggled with the wet, cob-web covered screen. No dice.

Returning to the front of the house, I contemplated the front door. Just me, the rain and the locked door. Wait! The fork rested on top of my pile of things on the front mat.

Then, my aha moment occurred. The fork! Prongs! The intractable screen!

I scurried back to the rear of the house. With a few sharp stabs, I'd ripped the screen apart. Next challenge: pop the stick we had in the window out so I could open it wide enough to climb inside. Completed on the third attempt.

Now that I had an opening, my next dilemma was how to get in? The window is too high for me to pull myself up. The table on the balcony called to me and so, I hoisted myself up again and picked up the table and dropped it over to the wet ground. With the added height from the table, I was able to drag myself through the window. I belly-flopped onto the floor. Success!

Just as I landed, Sally called, offering to come over with my key and let me in.

Imagine that.

Hair and Yoga

2010-10-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

Rainy weekend. What is up with this weather in San Diego? It isn't supposed to rain in October. Ever! At least I don't have to worry about what will happen to my wig anymore! I am officially wearing my own hair: Version 2.0.

I've gotten comments from "it isn't too terrible, you can always get extensions, right?" to my personal favorite: "rocking a blonde Halle Barry." The truth, as usual, lies somewhere between these two extremes. It is just so freeing to not have to worry about what hat or hair I will don prior to leaving the house.

And, more importantly, the fact that my hair is now growing fast means that I am returning to health. As it was a symbol of my sickness when I was bald, it now is a clear indicator that I am on the road to recovery. Because I feel stronger each day, I have worked out for the last seven days in a row. The only reminder is the ever-present lymphedema sleeve. My goal is to build up the activity and hold steady, then start weaning off of wearing the sleeves 24/7. I can't wait.

Yesterday, I had a breakthrough at the wonderful Katie Brauer's yoga class. For the first time in several months, I was able to practice a full vinyasa flow class without modifications. A few walls were dropped and the tears flowed. I have been craving this type of movement to release the pent-up emotions stuck in my body. Finally! I cannot describe how it feels to start feeling connected in my mind, body and heart once again.

Grateful.
Ecstatic.
Sad.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place. What a shocker! It just feels strange to be returning to only some of my prior teaching. Much has shifted. I know that new doorways are opening but, perhaps this gloomy weather has instilled some melancholy in my soul. I guess that is to be expected. I need to keep reminding myself not to project too far into the future.

Day by beautiful day.

Movin, movin, movin....

2010-10-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon. Just returned from a great pilates session. My plan had been to make it to Pure Barre this morning but, I didn't get any sleep last night. I thought that the hot flashes were over but, last night I alternated being drenched in sweat and shivering from the chills. Tamoxifin side-effects. Please tell me that I will not be experiencing this for the next five years.

This week has been really busy and fulfilling. My goal was to exercise every day. A friend said that I must be really self-disciplined. Maybe. The reality is that I am so excited to feel healthy enough to work out, that I am eager to move daily. Now that I can go, I am thrilled to do so! Pure Barre, Pilates, two yoga sessions, and my first Zumba experience.

Ahhh, Zumba with the lovely April Buck leading a full class of enthusiastic Zumba-ers. Or, is it Zumba-ettes? I am happy to report that I didn't injure myself or anyone else in the class. It was so much fun! I realized a few important truths about myself:

1. I can still grapevine with the best of them,
2. I can also still step-ball-change,
3. I have absolutely no hip action! Everyone else was rocking and rolling their hips and there I was. The hip swivels need some work! I've got no game.

What stood out the most was how everyone was laughing and smiling as we danced all over the room. Again, I feel so grateful that I am done with treatment and could fully participate. For months I've been restricted in a million different ways. Not to preach but, if you are wavering on going to exercise, just do it. Because you can!

Journey back to a new reality

2010-10-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

I think that I may finally be feeling like myself. What a transition!

So, I highly recommend that anyone completing treatment for any kind of cancer should hightail it out of town for a vacation afterwards. Somewhere that you will be present and engaged, without pesky distractions like hospital gowns. I'm still riding the high from our trip to Australia. The last nine months really seem like a faraway dream.

This week marks a return to a "regular" work schedule. I must admit that this is harder than I realized. First of all, it isn't viable for me to return to several of the classes and clients that I had to leave this year. I am mourning the communities at active.com and Sculpt Fusion Yoga, where I am no longer a regular fixture. The people have been fabulous and supportive and I want to be there in the capacity that I was pre-cancer but, it isn't looking like an option.

Many other doors have opened and are opening and for that, I am grateful and happy. I love starting fresh and having that excitement and anticipation of growth. Lord knows I've done it enough! And, knowing that I am not the same as I was in January when this all began means that I am not returning to my old life. Instead, I am launching into a new life, whether I am ready for it or not. Even if I did go back to my exact former schedule, too much has changed.

I'm still a little shocked when I catch my reflection in the mirror and see the champagne blonde cropped hair! Who is that tough, chic creature? Talk about changed. But, it is so freeing to leave the house without it even occurring to me to cover my head. Fabulous.

If I focus too much on what the future holds, I feel overwhelmed and not a little bit fearful. So, I remind myself to take it day by day and live in the present. My intent this week is to do that, no matter what. One of my daily intentions is to exercise for an hour each day, no matter what. I need to rebuild my physical strength and fortify my mental clarity and emotional calmness.

So far, two yoga classes and a hellish hour (seemed like ten) in Pure Barre on Monday. The two yoga classes have not alleviated the incredible soreness I am experiencing in my entire derriere yet. Ouch! I should be able to walk normally by Friday and plan on hitting Pure Barre again. Pure Barre La Costa is offering free classes to cancer survivors for the entire month of October. Generous and amazing.

Tomorrow I may make it to Zumba finally! Because now I can!

Back from Down Under: entry #1

2010-10-06T16:39:00.000-07:00

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Back from what was an absolutely amazing, incredible, dare I say perfect, vacation? I'm not feeling like the brightest bulb at the moment because I'm still not adjusted to the time change. We left Sydney at 3pm on Sunday and arrived in Los Angeles at 10:30am the same day. Twilight Zone. My body doesn't know what to do. I wake up at 2am ravenous and then cannot keep the eyes open at noon. Hopefully, it will all work out by the weekend.

I plan on using the next few entries to discuss all the cool things we did in Oz. From seeing koalas and kangaroos on the side of the Great Ocean Road to the Marriage of Figaro at the Sydney Opera House to eating and drinking enough to keep a family of four satisfied to walking for hours without getting tired. For the most part, I was able to stay in the present moment and not worry or even consider anything happening back at home. It was so healing and I really do feel "back to normal."

But, my predominating blog theme of my hair did rear its ugly head on more than one occasion. Going through security at LAX wearing only a hat was tough because not one but, two security people asked me to remove my hat while squinting disbelievingly at my passport. I can't blame them because my hair was so short and my hairline so stark, with brown hair I looked like a cross between Eminem and a teletubby. Picture a drawn-on hair hat. Who knew I should've left it salt and pepper?

It isn't just that I hated feeling hideous but, that seeing that hair reminded me of the cancer. At least with a wig on, I looked more like myself.

Now, that issue is resolved because as of yesterday my hair is champagne blonde. A trainer at the gym told me that I look european. I think I look a bit like a newborn duck or chick but, I like it. A milestone day: I left the house without a wig or a hat and it felt so freeing!

After an overnight, 14 1/2 hour flight, we arrived in Sydney. The first few days, Todd and I stumbled around like a pair of drunken sailors. We were intent on staying up until at least 6pm that first day so we could adjust to the 17 hour time difference. We stayed in an area called the Rocks, which is an incredibly charming historical part of town, right on the harbor. We could see the iconic Sydney Opera House from our hotel room window. Although those first few days are blurry in my memory, I know that I loved Sydney!

Where else can you drink a bottle of wine entitle "Ladies Who Shoot Their Lunch"?

Maybe that is why those first few days were blurry?

Day after Completion: Gratitude

2010-09-16T16:18:00.000-07:00

As I ran through my itinerary for today, I automatically thought, "drive to Scripps" and just as swiftly, I smiled because I don't have to enter that doorway again for a few months. Today, I had more important tasks like getting a manicure/pedicure and packing for Australia. No need for any more sauteeing of my right chest.

Yesterday I was literally flying on adrenaline all day. The excitement and realization that this nine month journey is over. I. am. finished. with. cancer. treatment. I've been through a lot in my relatively short lifetime, it has truly been a dramatic rollercoaster ride. But, I must say that this disease or crisis or shall I just call it cancer has been the most challenging experience ever. Maybe because it took so long to be over?

Next chapter: blissful, exotic, million miles away vacation. This trip will be such an opportunity to clear out the residue from treatment and a time for Todd and I to breathe after this incredibly difficult period.

I haven't really slept for four nights because I cannot turn off my brain. Flashes of faces keep passing in front of my eyes and I realize how many amazing people have blessed my life and supported and lifted me throughout this journey: Family, old friends, new friends, relative strangers. Todd has been a rock.

I grew much closer to some new friends and some friends faded away a bit. I know people say that you'll know who your true friends are through a crisis like this. True. What is so beautiful is that I really didn't find out anything on the negative side: it was all positive. It is more that some people you don't expect to step up do and others who you thought would be there 24/7 aren't. My life is much richer and fuller as a result of every single one of these relationships.

And, I must say that the Oakton High School Cougars have been incredible!! Shout out to everyone! Does this mean that we are all getting together over Thanksgiving in Northern Virginia? Or, does this warrant a celebratory reunion trip to Ocean City?

One sleep to Oz.

Yes, my hair is coming in salt and pepper. You won't see it again as I alreadyhave it covered.

Last Day of Treatment Eve

2010-09-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

Finally, the night before the last day of cancer treatment. Coupled with the simmering excitement for this milestone is the huge anticipation for Todd and my trip to Australia on Friday. Three sleeps to the adventure of a lifetime!

Well, I am having a challenging time sleeping because I am so excited about all of it. Todd and I are zooming around in a flurry of preparations: walking shoes, trial size shampoo (yes shampoo people: I have an inch of hair), laundry, laying out outfits, going for increasingly longer walks to build up my stamina, choosing what to pack, and and and.

Today was full of positives: I stopped by Yoga Swami and completed the paperwork to start the weekly Yoga for Cancer Recovery classes on Thursday October 7th. It will be offered at 4pm on a donation basis. I have a key and everything so, it is on!

Then, I picked up my cast from Anne Krell, the beautifully talented artist who painted it. Check it out! If I haven't written about this before, several weeks ago I was casted by the ladies from Keep-a-Breast.org for an upcoming Breast Cancer Awareness event being held at lululemon Carlsbad. It was an interesting experience and I must say like nothing I've ever participated in before. This group raises breast cancer awareness using art: www.keep-a-breast.org. They are amazing.

In the middle of all of that, I taught two yoga classes, caught up with several of my good friends on the phone and online. Then, I returned home to be surprised by Todd with a pre-vacation/end-of-treatment present.

The second to last radiation was a piece of cake. This is the eighth week that I've driven to Scripps every weekday. I cannot wait to turn in my hospital bracelet. I cannot wait to not enter those gates. I cannot wait to stop changing into hospital gowns on a daily basis. I cannot wait until tomorrow at 3pm.

Freedom.

Countdown

2010-09-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

Radiation #34 complete: check

Eyebrows fully grown in with no need for pencil: check

Eyelashes almost fully returned: check

Radiation wound 90% recovered: check

Travel-sized toiletries purchased: check

I cannot believe that I've only got two more radiations and I am done, done, done with treatment! And, then time to escape and run to the other side of the earth for two whole weeks. The next four days will be a whirlwind of preparations to set foot on that plane to Sydney Friday night.

Each day, I feel strength returning. Physical strength. Emotional strength. Mental strength. Yesterday, I had the best yoga practice I've had since I can remember. Physically, I was able to move in ways that I hadn't in quite a while. As a result, I could literally feel the lifting of tensions and stress and pain. Yoga is magic. I'm looking forward to the opening of my body, mind and heart as I practice more freely each day.

Okay, I can't focus to write. I'm too excited because we are leaving for Australia on Friday. Woo.

Six Sleeps to Oz

2010-09-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

This photo is from March 26th, when Patti shaved my head for me. Who knew that I'd be eager to have hair this long again? Mine is growing fast but, I'm not quite to this length yet. Hopefully by next week! I'm sick of wigs.

Less than a week to Australia! That means that I've only got three more radiation sessions and I am finished with my cancer treatment. I'm not sure when that lovely reality will sink in.

I'm thrilled to report that I feel much better than I did a few days ago. The evil cold/flu bug that drove me to my knees exited stage left yesterday. My underarm radiation burn is slowly healing: a few more days to go. Three days in bed. Whew.

Last night, we watched the Stand Up to Cancer telethon. It was quite moving and not a little bit disturbing for me. Seeing the statistics that 207,000 people will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year and realizing that I am now one of those statistics feels strange. Part of me must be in denial. I don't know how because every time I look in the mirror or look down, I am reminded. The scars last forever, even the ones that fade on the surface. How will I feel a year from now? five years from now?

So, I'm not sure what to call myself. Am I a cancer survivor? Or, is that name only applicable at 3pm on Wednesday, September 15th, when my last appointment ends? Do I say that I "had" breast cancer? that I "have" breast cancer?

I find it rather odd that they don't have a scan when your treatment ends to declare you cancer-free. I know that they want to do a mammogram in three months and possibly every three months for the next five years? They didn't find my initial cancer on my routine mammogram last September so, I don't have a lot of confidence or interest in having my boob smashed in the mammogram machine so frequently. I can only imagine if I hadn't found the lump myself in January and had waited until now to go in. How much would it have spread by then?

But, I feel lucky. A new friend of mine, that feels like an old friend, is in the hospital. She beat cancer several years ago and now she is ill and the doctors haven't diagnosed the problem yet. She is in her 30s. When I visited her today, my gut told me she'd make it through this new challenge. I know she'll beat whatever this is, even if it is cancer returning. She's too stubborn to let it take over her life. But, why does she even have to deal with it again? It seems so unfair.

So, I am lucky to have three more days. Maybe I will feel done when I leave Scripps parking lot and relinquish my Free-Parking-wristband. Or, maybe I will feel free when Todd and I are driving to LA to catch our plane. Perhaps it will register that I am finished while having High Tea in Sydney or petting a koala along the Great Ocean Road.

The sooner the better!

Yoga for Cancer Recovery Class begins October 7th at Yoga Swami

2010-09-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

It is official: beginning October 7th, I will be offering an ongoing weekly Yoga for Cancer Recovery class at Yoga Swami in Encinitas on Thursdays at 4pm.

This class is open to anyone who is currently going through cancer treatment, who has completed treatment or is a caretaker of someone living with cancer. My intent is to create a safe community where we can come together with our shared bond and just feel better. As a breast cancer survivor, I can attest to how much yoga helped me.

Benefits of Yoga:

•Learn to handle the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiation

•Experience healing techniques for the mind, body and spirit

•Boost energy, improve mood, learn relaxation and breath techniques to combat fatigue, stress, and pain

•Restore flexibility, strength, range of motion, enhance lymphatic flow, digestion and circulation

Classes at Yoga Swami are donation-based. What does this mean exactly? It means that each week, you pay what you can. The suggested donation is $5-15. But, if you can't make a donation, that is fine. I understand the financial difficulties associated with this journey. I merely would like to cover my cost of renting out the beautiful space where we can hold class.

Yoga Swami is located at 912 S. Coast Highway 101, Encinitas.

If you have any questions at all, please feel free to call me or email me at claire@oceansoulyoga.com.

Please bring your own yoga mat.

Under the weather

2010-09-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

How cute is Jake? Burrowed under the blankets. If you look closely, you can see me there underneath them too.

So, I guess the universe wanted me to slow down and let my radiation wound under my arm heal because Tuesday night I started to get very ill. Sore throat, absolutely no ability to breathe through my nose whatsoever, dizzy, weak, sick to my stomach. Great. The doctor did a strep culture yesterday and I'm hoping that isn't the case. I had to cancel my clients and classes for the rest of the week. I'm trapped in the house, trying to move as little as possible.

In other words, I'm miserable.

I don't get sick. Well, except for this pesky little bout with cancer, I don't get sick. I hadn't had a cold in two years before 2010.

So, I am a fan of the Neti Pot to clear out the nasal passages. The Neti Pot is a natural way to keep the sinuses and nasal passages clear and open. Sadly, I'm so congested that the Neti Pot isn't working! Nothing will flow through.

Picture this: it is 4am and I'm leaning over the sink with that bright blue Aladdin-looking pot pouring saline solution into one nostril and nothing coming out. Then, it runs down my face as I choke and try to breathe. Repeat. How can it not work?

From all the years of yoga, I am used to breathing out of my nose. This practice is not serving me well at the moment. Luckily, today I have the use of one-half of my left nostril so, I'm not going to suffocate.

As for the underarm: I'm not going to post a photo because I had a few people so disturbed at the photo I posted of me without the eyebrows that I'm afraid I'd traumatize everyone. The doctor told me yesterday to just slather it with Aquaphor and it would be okay by the weekend. It doesn't look any beetter to me and I just have that greasy ointment everywhere.

It seems like whenever I'm feeling excited when nearing the end of treatment, some little snafu pops up. I absolutely need to be healthy because Australia is next week!! ONE week from tomorrow and I cannot be sick!

Mantras of the day: Open nasal passages, open!
Heal baby heal!

Yes I can.

2010-09-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

"There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say watch me." - author unknown

Life is funny: this quote arrived in my inbox this morning and it resonated strongly with me. Perhaps it even triggered a memory or twenty of me saying just those words. And, many times I launched and I crashed back down to earth. Just as the naysayers predicted. But, many times I launched and sailed. Taking risks is inherent in my being, a part of my fabric and make-up.

Life is funny: this afternoon, the folks in radiation oncology were running behind. So, I sat in the waiting room conversing with a lady waiting for her husband to be treated for oral cancer and an older gentleman being treated for I'm not quite sure what. He'd had a tumor in his lung and it was pressing on his vocal chords. Thus, he sounded an awful lot like Clint Eastwood in his Dirty Harry days. He's also been going through experimental treatment over the last 18 months, had lost and regrown his hair twice, had numerous surgeries and drugs for perhaps three separate bouts of cancer.

I didn't catch his name, so I will call him Clint, in honor of the husky voice. Clint told me that when people say "cancer" to him, he translates it to "cure." When people tell him his time is limited, he tells them he chooses life. He also said he still goes to the gym three times a week and does what he can because exercise plays a huge factor in staying healthy and keeping the mental attitude positive.

So, basically the universe was giving me the exact same message twice today: once via email and once via an inspiring, strong man fighting for a cure. A cure for himself.

Interestingly, another man in the waiting room, commented to me, "You are too young to be here." And, I agreed with him. He then said, "Life isn't fair, you shouldn't be here." Again, I agreed. But, if any of us in that room awaiting treatment focus on the life isn't fair angle, we are going to have a tough time.

Life isn't fair. In my experience, I've found it to be true that some of us are given a lot to handle for no apparent reason. I look at my father: he's lost 3 of his sons, both his daughters have had cancer, he's divorced and his only living sibling just passed away last week.

Does Rene get depressed? Maybe. But, at 86, that man is still out walking his three miles a day, he goes to play petanque with his friends at Carderock two to three times a week, he travels back to France a few times a year to see his girlfriend and family: he is living his life. I inherited my stubborn bourrique (Corsican donkey) nature from him and I am proud of it.

He is one of the people who consistently told me that I cannot or shouldn't do certain things. I ignored him. And, I'm who I am today because of that slight recklessness, that defiance, that fearlessness in jumping into the unknown.

All my choices created who I am today, for better of for worse. I don't regret any of it.

Well, maybe law school.

Walking without a wig

2010-09-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

This morning, I went for a walk wearing only a baseball cap. Well, I also had on pants, a top, shoes and socks, of course. But, since I now have a little hair, albeit silver, showing in the sideburn area and at the nape of my neck, I figured what the heck?

I went to the lagoon with Kirsten, as opposed to the beach where I might actually run into someone that I know. Baby steps. It felt good to not fuss with it. And, now that my brows and lashes are growing back, I didn't have to waste five minutes drawing on brows and liner either. I'm pleased to have that time returned to me. Of course, it is now spent on shaving my legs that seem to be valiantly trying to make up for lost time. I'm now really anxious for the hair to just fill in so I can go without anything at all! My fingers are crossed that my hairdresser can make it a pretty color pre-Australia.

My energy level is great and the only complaint I have is that the skin under my arm is still raw and weepy. Really horrible. I had to hold my hand on my hip and away from my body on the walk so I didn't rub it any more. Very graceful. It astounds me that they proceed so far with all of these treatments despite the severity of the side-effects. They saw how raw it was last week and basically just told me to deal with it. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

This week marks the final free Yoga for Cancer Recovery class at lululemon Carlsbad. 9am on 9/9! I'm excited that I've got the new Yoga for Cancer Recovery class time firmed up for October. I'll be offering the class at Yoga Swami in Encinitas at 4pm on Thursday afternoons.

10 days to Australia....

George Clooney and I...

2010-09-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

have an unlikely connection. Not one that I'm really happy about but, it was absolutely compelling and as soon as Todd and I returned from seeing "The American", I had to write about it.

By the way, The American was a disappointment. Slow-moving all the way through. I'd wait until it comes to DVD.

So, the epiphany that struck me during the film was that I have the exact same hair as George. Except that he has about 3/4 inch more than me. But, the salt and pepper color pattern, including full silver on the temples, dark through the center and silver in the front is identical. We even share the same little cowlick where my part will be one day soon. How did this happen? How can it be?

George is a silver fox.

I am not.

I cannot wait until September 16th when I see my hairdresser and have some pretty color slapped on there. I can handle walking around with a crew cut, just not the Cell Block 9 version.

12 days to Australia.

Grow, baby, grow!

2010-09-04T17:24:00.000-07:00

The cancer recovery yoga series continues to go well at lululemon. The last class in the series will be Thursday September 9th. I'm so grateful that I've been able to offer this free series at lululemon Carlsbad. Once I return from Australia, it looks like I'll be offering a weekly donation-based class in Encinitas at Yoga Swami.

Today is the first day of a three day weekend with nothing really scheduled: lovely and relaxing. And, it appears that the sun is actually going to show through the heavy marine layer that has been cloaking San Diego since Thursday. Come on sun!

I can't wait for my radiated red skin to heal up! The skin under my arm has now blistered, broken up, rubbed raw a few times. It doesn't seem to matter how much ointment I slather on it, the location just sucks for healing purposes. I had the last radiation to that area on Thursday and the final 7 are just to the lumpectomy incision. I'm optimistic that the rest of the area will be healed by next week.

Todd and I are leaving for Australia in less than two weeks! I cannot believe it. The days are taking shape and so is my vacation wardrobe. I've lucked out with finding some shorts and walking shoes and a few other fun things that scream vacation time! Sydney! Melbourne! Great Ocean Road!

And, I am willing my hair to grow fast enough that Sheila, Sydney, Britney and Gisele are shadows of my past! I'd love to be able to go to Australia with a bare head and not worry about any wigs. Well, I'll be honest, I'm not simply willing it, I've got Ovation slathered on my head with the shower cap on top.

If you missed that photo from a few weeks ago, scroll back to see it. I look the same but, now I have my own eyebrows and eyelashes. A lot of eyebrows. It is amazing how fast the hair is coming in! At this rate, I will have Brooke Shields brows circa the 1980s. I've got an appointment with my hairdresser on the 16th, the day before we leave, to put some color on this head. I have no problem walking around with a crew cut but, it shan't be a predominantly silver one. No way. No how.

I'm so happy to be almost at the end of this ride. I found the lump on January 2nd and treatment finishes on September 15th. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes brighter by the hour.

Lucky #8

2010-09-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

What a whirlwind of a day. Doctor's appointments, shopping and teaching. In that exact order.

Great news: I met with the lymphedema physical therapist for the first time in over a month. She was thrilled to see that my arm looks normal and has been holding steady for four weeks now. The proof is in the measurements, however, and I was eager to see what the percentage decrease would be.

When we first met in June, my right arm was 14.4% larger than the left. Then, I had a horrible reaction to the heated yoga room and it ballooned up to 21.9%. Simply gross. It took another month to get it down to 14% at our last meeting on July 27th.

Today, it is only 8%!! And, that is a 42% reduction in the size of my arm itself. Hello wrist bone! Hello elbow! Goodbye Popeye forearm! I think I may be able to wear jewelry on my right hand and wrist again after all. What a relief. I still have to wear a sleeve during the day and sleep in the night sleeve each night but, I will wean off of it after radiation and hopefully only have to wear a sleeve to workout.

Anyways.....

I promptly zoomed over to Nordstrom and put that newly svelte right arm and hand into action signing credit card slips. I lucked out and found some cute walking shoes for Australia, along with some Sanctuary shorts: all on sale. I need to be prepared for my trip, right?

Onto Radiation Oncology for full area treatment and new scans for the final 8 treatments. I have just one "full area" radiation left tomorrow. Thank goodness as my underarm is now officially raw and blistered.

Next, Dr. L came in and drew a circle around my incision and the assistant put wire around it, which felt very strange. The assistant then stuffed me into the CT-Scanner machine again so they could photograph the wired section of boob. The final eight treatments will be directed solely to this specific tumor bed area.

In addition to the CT-Scan photos, they once again took photos with a regular camera. Snapshots of me lying on my side, with a robe half-on, wire around my magic-markered breast cancer scar. I find these very odd. All I can say, is that once this blog is published as a book those photos better not surface on the internet.

I have a reputation to uphold.

Great day!

2010-08-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm simply simmering with optimism today. It began with teaching a lovely class, if I do say so myself, at Bindu Yoga. The energy in this beautiful little studio is truly inspiring. Barbara, one of my students, was kind enough to run home before class to bring me some special lotion for the sad state of my skin. My chest and underarm are raw. Ouch!

I've been slathering on a variety of recommended potions, lotions and oils in what I now realize are futile attempts to not get cooked, blistered, flesh. It looks like someone held an iron against my armpit. Yesterday I had a disquieting epiphany. When I told Meredith that I was using emu oil, she asked me how the emu oil was made. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about it. Perhaps they milked the emu? or got it from the feathers? But, I had a niggling feeling that perhaps this wasn't the case.

Sure enough, when I returned home, I googled emu oil and learned that they kill the emu and obtain the oil from the fat. Oh no! I'm sorry Mr. Emu. I honestly didn't realize. Back to the calendula and the aloe.

This afternoon, Robyn from City of Hope, Stacy McCarthy the yoga guru (www.yoganamastacy.com), and I met to discuss the upcoming March 5th Yoga for Hope event that we are coordinating. It is really exciting to strategize and plan ways to create a successful, memorable inaugural event for such a worthy cause. I can't wait to firm up some of the details and involve yogis from all over San Diego.

I'm feeling so grateful for all the blessings in my life.

Time to slather on some more calendula aloe magic potion! Fingers crossed.

Close Call with Sheila

2010-08-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

2 tickets booked for Sydney to Melbourne and back. A B&B selected in Melbourne and plans for an adventure road trip down the Great Ocean Road with Todd's sister Julie and her Aussie hubby Matthew. Australia is now beginning to feel like a reality and less like a fantasy. We leave in less than three weeks!

24 down, 12 to go.

In terms of radiation side-effects, I've yet to encounter the fatigue. Perhaps because I ignored the advice of my radiation oncologist and am taking lots of antioxidants and vitamins? My energy level feels like it did pre-cancer, even though if I'm honest, I cannot remember that far back right now. The skin on my chest and right underarm, however, is not happy. Red, raw, sore, itchy and plain angry at the radiation machine. I only have four more treatments to the large area, the remainder are to the tumor bed. Thank goodness because I think I'd have open wounds otherwise. Ouch.

My lymphedema arm has held steady for three weeks now, thank the lord! I'll continue to be extremely conservative and wear the sleeves and night sleeve until a month or so after radiation ends. Two of my new Lymphediva sleeves look like I've got tattoos: kind of fun.

This morning started with a potential disaster, I almost lost my wig! I went to Petco, for my Rescue House volunteer session with the cats. When I arrive, I shut the door to the room and let out all of the kitties. We've got about a dozen adorable cats and kittens in there at the moment, if you are looking for a new furry little friend.

So, as I was letting out shy Jasmine, I was petting her and Tyler, who lives upstairs from Jasmine, apparently got impatient. He reached out his paw and managed to pull my Sheila wig off of my head. Luckily, I grabbed it before it came all the way off and maintained my dignity. The salt-and-pepper chia pet head is not ready for public viewing yet.

The afternoon included a baby shower for a yoga instructor friend, Sara. It was great to catch up with her and Shannon and Amy, two other teachers from CorePower that I haven't seen since I've been sick. It feels like life is returning to some semblance of normalcy. At last.

Amazing day!

2010-08-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

Today was amazing. Amazingly brimming with familiar and new faces, positive energy, interesting conversations, lots of yoga and simple happiness. The San Diego sunshine beamed down, bathing everything in a bright, soft light.

The morning began with Yoga for Cancer Recovery at lululemon. We've extended the series so, there will be two more Thursday 9am classes at the store. It is amazing (sorry to overuse the word but, it just fits) that a group of like-minded students meeting each week has turned into a little community already. I feel so blessed to be a part of something this special. When I return from Australia, we'll just move the beautiful group to a new, permanent location.

Today, I was contemplating how often I felt stuck this year. Just up against a brick wall, no progress, no options, no prospects. Sitting in the house recovering from surgery or chemo or the ailment of the day. I had to drop so many of my regular classes and clients because of cancer. At times, despite my best efforts, I worried a lot about what I was going to do once treatment was done. Would I be able to make up for lost time? Were all those opportunities lost to me forever? Faith in the unknown, prayers and love allowed me to believe that this unchosen path of breast cancer would lead me to something new. Something powerful, true, and life-changing.

I've known for a long time that I'm meant to teach and to write on a grand scale. I remember back to 1997, when I was so miserable practicing law that I would cry each morning in the shower on the way to work. I knew then that I wanted to teach yoga and to write, reaching as many people as possible. This path is leading me to doing so in ways I could never have envisioned. My life is full of beautiful opportunities.

And, if that isn't a silver lining, I don't know what is.

Fleeting moments on Paseo del Norte

2010-08-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

I was reminded today how fragile life can be. Not in regard to myself but, in regard to the upsetting way my day began. I was meeting a new friend down in Cardiff to go for a walk and left the house in high spirits.

As I was driving down my street, I noticed an animal in the road. Honing my gaze, I realized that it was a cat. I promptly performed an illegal u-turn and pulled up next to him. I got out of the car to assess the situation and saw that the beautiful, chocolate and black tiger-striped kitty was indeed dead. His head was lying at an awkward angle, indicating a broken neck.

Because the person who hit him hadn't bothered to stop and at least move the cat out of the street so he wouldn't be pulverized, I did so. I grabbed one of my yogitoes out of the trunk and gingerly lifted up the beautiful boy. He was still warm so, it hadn't been long since his life had been unceremoniously snuffed out. I moved him to the grass beyond the sidewalk and left him wrapped in the pristine white blanket. I hope that his family found him. When I returned a few hours later, the blanket and kitty were gone.

So, this brings up a pet peeve of mine. I've been doing animal rescue for several years now. Often, when I speak to people wanting to adopt, they tell me that they "have to let their cats outside" for a variety of stupid reasons. No, you don't have to let the cats out. Or, they will get hit by a car or killed by a coyote. Keep the cat indoors!!!!

I wonder if the person who killed this cat even noticed that he'd hit something? Did he look in the rearview mirror and shrug his shoulders, oh well? Was he busy texting or talking on the phone? It breaks my heart.

Later, as I drove home on this same stretch of road, I was struck by how incredible the sky looked after sunset. It felt like I was entering a Monet landscape. Although my day had been colored with sadness for the cat I was too late to save, in that moment, I found profoundly grateful to be alive, to be able to enjoy the beauty of nature.

Jake and Oreo got extra big kisses when I walked in the door.

Feeling grateful

2010-08-24T22:36:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling very grateful for all of the blessings in my life these days. One of the primary "silver linings" in this cancer ride comes in the form of the numerous amazing people that I've met or reconnected with since January. My friends have been incredible: supportive, kind, caring and consistent. I am so lucky to be buoyed up by all the positive energy directed my way.

And, I see the light at the end of the tunnel! As I cross off each day of radiation with my red pen, I feel lighter. 21 down, 15 to go. My skin is not happy with me at all. I've got some Aquaphor on right now and it is itchy and incredibly annoying. Nonetheless, red rash on one area of the body is still better than chemo side-effects.

Speaking of chemo side-effects: hair is sprouting at an incredible rate! Everywhere. Who would have believed that I would need a bikini wax before I needed an eyebrow wax? Believe it.

Todd rubs my fuzzy head, singing "Chia, Chia, Chia." And, I don't mind, even though it is silver and brown. My eyebrows are a rather strange charcoal color: again, better than no brows! And, my eyelashes are longer each time I look at them. Oddly, the upper lashes seem to be growing downward and the lower lashes are growing upwards. With any luck, in a few weeks, they will look lush again.

One of the highlights of the past few days was the Taste of Hope benefit for City of Hope and to honor the ambassador of Hope: my good friend Zoe Mohler. It was held in Coronado and was full of all kinds of gourmet food and wine. Shrimp, sliders, cupcakes and the best ice cream bonbons ever! And, Kiptyn from the Bachelorette was the Emcee, handing out roses. All for a good cause!

I'm grateful that because of lululemon's generosity, I can offer two additional weeks of Yoga for Cancer Recovery at the lululemon Carlsbad. And, my ambassador photo is up on the wall! I'm official.

On that note, time to wash the Ovation cell therapy off my chia-pet head.

Bald Bikini-clad lady Bicycling to Beach

2010-08-21T16:49:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, the dilemma of the day was actually quite amusing. What the heck was I going to wear to cover my salt-and-pepper chia-pet head and radiation burned chest to go to the beach via beach cruiser?

The weather is pristine and there is no way I was missing out on the beach with Todd today. But, it was going to be a high-maintenance endeavor.

The issues:

1. Chest must be covered completely because of nasty radiation rash.

2. Need to wear lymphedema arm sleeve to ride bicycle and walk on beach.

3. Need to wear something to cover the head that wouldn't blow off as I cruised down the hill toward the beach. The wigs and hat hair just weren't viable. We have to cross the 5 Freeway and I could just see my wig or hat hair flying off into oncoming traffic. Is it a bird? a plane? or Britney or Gisele? Who cares because it caused a multi-car pile up.

For the bosom, I tried the rash guard. It is totally cute (see above) but it made me sweat in the house so, I could not imagine trying to sit on the beach with it. No. Next, I dug out my Corepower Yoga boot camp t-shirt and that worked. Yes. Unfortunately, my name is plastered on the back of it in neon yellow so, everyone from our house to the beach knows that the crazy bicycling bald lady with the weird arm's name is CLAIRE.

For the head, I borrowed Todd's buff to wear underneath my favorite Costa-Rican Imperial baseball cap. That way, if the hat blew off on the bicycle ride, I'd at least be covered.

The arm was just going to have to be ugly beige with glove.

It worked! See the complete ensemble above. Anyone who has EVER commented on my ego: take note!! I felt so free and happy cruising on the bicycle and walking on the beach with Todd. Cancer be damned. And, honestly, who would recognize me in that get-up?

Repercussions: sweating like a filthy animal on the return uphill bike ride. My head was drenched with sweat, as was the rest of me. But, it was worth it!

I'm not going to compare these photos to the bikini shots that I was posting back in January....again, slightly different look then Cabo with Kirsten. But, I was just as happy to be out on the beach today as I was then.

Two requests readers: If you have been reading my blog and haven't joined as a follower, I'd be thrilled if you became one. Also, if you have a comment or opinion, please feel free to comment on the blog! I love reading the comments. Thanks!!

A very good day

2010-08-19T19:46:00.001-07:00

Today was fabulous. A reminder that even though I've had some seriously dark moments, it is so important to hold on because you just never know what tomorrow can bring. I'm always amazed at how true this premise is.

This morning I taught my 3rd of 4 Yoga for Cancer Recovery class at lululemon in Carlsbad. We had the biggest class yet with some "regulars" and some new faces. It went really well and the feedback continues to be positive. I love it! I met Angela, who is the co-founder of the Young Survival Coalition in San Diego, a group for young women dealing with cancer. http://www.youngsurvival.org/sandiego. I'd like to get more involved with them.

I'm also trying to figure out the best studio to hold ongoing classes when this series concludes next week. I'd like to offer weekly yoga for cancer recovery classes on a donation basis in North County. Very soon!

The sun continues to shine on San Diego and with each sunny day, my mood continues to lift. Radiation, no problem. Check-up with oncologist, piece of cake. Walk on the beach and a few margaritas with Lissa, fabulous!

I was thrilled to return home and find my Lymphedivas package. The two new sleeves are totally cute: much more attractive than the beige. Unfortunately, they sent me the wrong size gauntlet and I cannot wear the sleeve without the gauntlet. Waah! I want to wear my new sleeve to teach tomorrow. How funny is it to look back at how I wouldn't even look at the lymphediva website and now I'm upset that I can't wear my new sleeve soon enough. Interesting how things shift.....

And, tomorrow is Friday!

Rolling back up

2010-08-17T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today was an absolutely beautiful day. Although I had to go pay $1252 to have three mysterious items repaired on my car, something about sensors and thermostats and valves, I didn't really feel upset. They did wash the car and polish the rims.

As seems to be the pattern, the rollercoaster ascends again. I'm going to have whiplash from all of the ups and downs on this ride. I guess it makes sense that some days are just totally black and depressing and seemingly hopeless. It is just the extremity of the dips and crests that continues to surprise me.

The sun was out early this morning: a beautiful, perfect summer morning. Such a relief after the heavy marine layer that has rendered San Diego a perfect movie set for Wuthering Heights or Pride and Predjudice. Over the gloomy weekend, I'd expected Heathcliff to come galloping out of the fog. Depressing.

I met with a new private yoga client today. She is a breast cancer survivor and wanted to start yoga to recuperate from the prior year of treatment. We had a great session and I think we will work really well together. I'm excited at the direction my career is taking. Funny that it took cancer to assist me in finding this niche. Don't get me wrong: I love teaching my Power yoga classes and will continue to do so but, I really feel like I can make a difference with this new group of clients.

Todd and I went for a long walk on the beach. It is so beautiful: I feel so lucky that I actually get to live here! Clear beautiful ocean, long stretches of golden sand and cool breezes. Perfect.

And, I wore the smaller size sleeve that I couldn't get on two months ago because my arm was so FAT. Yippee! I'm working on two weeks of a normal sized arm and now ready to start weaning slowly off the sleeve and stepping up the workouts. I actually feel like I'm in my own body again. Finally.

In terms of the radiation side-effects, my skin is really starting to pinken. The wise Lizzy advised me to use Emu oil and I ran out and snapped some up at Henry's. I used it right after my cooking this afternoon. Between that and the calendula lotion, I hope that my skin doesn't get burned too much more.

The end is in sight: September 15th. Counting down the days.

A thread

2010-08-16T12:13:00.001-07:00

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." - author unknown

What an awesome quote at an absolutely auspicious time. It is interesting how my daily Morning Mantra emails are so often right on point. I'm trying really hard to hold it together. This weekend was really rough emotionally. I just feel like I'm scraping the bottom of the energy jar.

The thought that I keep returning to is that I'd like to just go to sleep until a few days before we head to Australia. Or, should I say, I'd like time to freeze because I don't want to miss any of the many positive things I've got going on over the next month.

I guess therein lies my answer, right? If I withdraw, I'll miss so much amazing living: teaching, spending time with Todd and my friends, planning Yoga for Hope, attending Taste of Hope this weekend, watching my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows grow back and and and....

Hot Flashes!

2010-08-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hot flash. Not exactly how I envisioned my Saturday night. It starts with the back of my neck heating up. Literally. The heat then spreads down my back and creates a lovely film of sweat designed to make whatever I'm wearing stick to my back. You know, like when you are in Washington DC on any given summer day and leave your air-conditioned house and step into the 90% humidity and are instantly sticky? Well, I get to enjoy that feeling now in the comfort of my own San Diego home.

This is yet another one of those side-effects that is downplayed. Like losing your hair. "You'll have some hot flashes and may go into menopause about 10 years early." This is relayed to you in a casual laundry list of potential side-effects.

I'm cooling off. Thank goodness.

So, this photo shows my daily attire for radiation treatment. Please note my lovely sleeve and glove. For radiation, each day I walk back to the dressing room, lock the door and change into two robes. About one third of the time I end up pulling off my wig of the day in the process.

Speaking of wigs, you may notice that I am sporting a new look. The brilliant and incomparable Patti Joyce has created another masterpiece. I told her that I was about to throw Sheila at someone because with the heat she gets very uncomfortable and sticks to the back of my neck. I asked for one just like Sheila but, shorter and off of my neck. And, voila: here it is! I haven't named her yet. But, she is cooler and pretty cute and should get me through until my hair is long enough to go wigless. (the photo is kind of dark--it is the same pralines-n-cream color as Sheila)

The lovely Lori was kind enough to offer to take me to radiation because she was worried I might lose my last marble in the dreaded Scripps parking lot. Of course, there were plenty of open spots when she drove me. Not a crazy lunatic to be seen. No 90 year-olds honking and reversing across the lot at 60 mph. No back-up out onto Torrey Pines Road. It figures.

14 Radiations down.

22 to go.

Less than 5 weeks to Australia.

Hang on Petretti. Don't lose your mind when you are so close to the finish line....

City of Hope tour

2010-08-12T18:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to be part of a tour of the City of Hope in Duarte, California. In March, I'll be chairing the inaugural Yoga for Hope in San Diego.

In these photos, we are standing in front of the gate that holds their motto:

There is no profit in curing the body if in the process we destroy the soul.

This really struck me because if anything can steal your soul and crush your essence, it is walking this walk. If only all cancer treatment centers operated the same way. City of Hope is truly a unique research and treatment facility. I'm not particularly eloquent this evening so, if you'd like to learn more: www.cityofhope.org.

They are pioneers in cutting-edge research for cancer, HIV and diabetes. This trio of diseases is extremely personal to me and I've been very emotional since actually setting foot on the 120 acre City yesterday.

The cancer is personal to me and to my sister who is a 5 year survivor (go Yael!).

The diabetes is personal to me as my oldest and best friend is a Type 1 diabetic.

The HIV is personal to me because I lost my brothers Paul and Andre to the disease. Paul was 27 years old when he passed, Andre was 34.

Today, I am truly feeling weighed down by all of these challenges and by all of the loss. I miss my brothers. I've got another 4 1/2 weeks of daily radiation and I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up and it would be over. I'd also like to wake up with my eyelashes returned to me. Every single long, black one of them.

I did squeeze in a lovely walk on the beach at Torrey Pines after acupuncture, prior to radiation. I could feel the healing ocean breeze caressing my skin, giving me strength to continue on with my treatment. It feels good to know that all I have to do over the next three days is teach class in the morning, get radiation, volunteer with the cats Saturday morning and that is it. Weekend time!

Holding steady

2010-08-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

Paring down my schedule and adding in more daily exercise seems to be doing the trick. I'm feeling more balanced and a little less out of control. I'm so thrilled that I've been able to walk about an hour a day. I've missed it so much. Now that my legs don't feel like I hiked Everest, I feel more free.

Even more exciting is that my arm continues to hold steady at just-about-normal-size. Who knew how thrilling it would be to see my pointy elbow again? I'm continuing to add more activity for my upper body. In fact, at this rate I'll be a veritable Wonder Woman: I've built up to two sets of various exercises with 3-lb weights. Pretty funny. But, it is a start. I'm so grateful that I'm able to do something without the fear of my forearm and hand blowing up like a balloon. Slowly.

McCabe, my artist friend, came over to see if she could spice up my orthopedic beige sleeve. I was considering making it look like I have a full-sleeve tattoo on that arm! It could be fun for yoga! I plan on weaning off of the sleeve as soon as I can but, will wear it to workout for the foreseeable future: better safe than sorry. I would probably explode if I had to endure another 7 1/2 week blow-up again. Also, I know that I pooh-poohed lymphedivas.com in the past but, they have tons of cool styles: diamond trim. I stand corrected.

McCabe is also a scarf expert, yet another area where I am not gifted, and brought me a gorgeous scarf to wear with the hat hair. She tied it too. I'm hoping that I can just slip it on already tied because otherwise I might be in trouble. We are digging deep to find my inner bohemian chic. Very deep. I'm half-french for goodness sakes! You'd think I'd be gifted with scarves. Or chic.

So, week three of radiation is in full swing and it is starting to show. My skin is pink with small red polka-dots. Lovely. I'm slathering on calendula lotion at least four times a day to help counteract the radiation but, methinks the large beam will win. So, although I've got three fabulous new bikinis, I now need to cover up the top and make sure I don't get sun.

I can't believe that it is almost the middle of August. I wonder how I will feel next August when I reflect back upon 2010? At the moment, I don't have a clue. I've survived a lot of loss and ups and downs in my life but, making it through to the other side of this journey will definitely leave me a changed woman. Mind, body, spirit. I am truly grateful for everyone in my life: I'm blessed to have so much support and love surrounding me through this rollercoaster ride.

Sunshine works its magic

2010-08-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

And, the rollercoaster ascends again. Not a moment too soon.

Kirsten and I met in Cardiff for a morning beach walk. The sun was shining, the ocean was a clear and stunning blue and it felt fabulous to be outside. The Cardiff beach walk used to be an at least bi-weekly ritual and it felt great to return to it. I've missed this type of time spent with my friends.

My legs are feeling stronger and each day I'm walking further. I'm thrilled! Yesterday Todd and I walked the whole lagoon for the first time in several months. And, my arm has been holding steady since Friday. Perhaps I've turned a corner with the lymphedema.

Now, it is time to go see if any more hair has sprouted.

Alive

2010-08-07T23:13:00.000-07:00

So, I cannot sleep. Nothing new. More on that later.

So, here are two photos of me this morning and one of me pre-cancer. I know that these eyelashes and brows will come back one of these days but, this really stinks. So, one photo is the eye and eyebrow sans makeup. The other shot shows me with my drawn on brows and carefully crafted eye-makeup on one side. The shot with my friend Nikki shows me with eyebrows and my beautiful long lashes that I got courtesy of my dear papa.

They say eyes are the windows of the soul. My eyes now finally show what I didn't want to reveal to anyone unless it was my choice to do so. They scream that I am sick. Constantly red-rimmed, constantly puffy, no lashes, no brows. Nowhere to hide.

Doctors, nurses, everyone really keeps telling me the same thing: be grateful that you're alive! You are so young, all this is temporary, you'll live a long healthy life if you do as we say. Chemotherapy will destroy your ovaries and you'll be in early menopause but, you're alive! You'll lose your hair, your brows and lashes, you'll have scars and tattoos for a lifetime but, you're alive! You may get lymphedema and have to sleep in bandages or an incredibly tight compression sleeve but, you're alive! Who the hell knows what this daily radiation will do to you but, suck it up because you are alive! Take Tamoxifin for the next five years or else your odds of being alive sharply decline!

Back when this all began unfolding in its terrible, surreal way, I didn't want all these drugs. Of course I want to live but, at what cost? The irony is that they can't even tell me if I am cancer-free. Isn't that crazy? There are no guarantees and I am not certain that I've made the right choices following this surgery-chemo-radiation automaton. Back to that basic discussion of quality vs. quantity. The Short Happy Life of Claire Petretti or The Sick, Long Half-Life?

I've had the lyrics of Pearl Jam's Alive in my head for a while now. For some reason, today the volume continues to increase and I can't turn off the music.

Alive by Pearl Jam, excerpt

I, I'm still alive
Hey I, but, I'm still alive
Hey I, boy, I'm still alive
Hey I, I, I, I'm still alive, yeah
Ooh yeah...yeah yeah yeah...oh...oh...

"Is something wrong?" she said
Of course there is
"You're still alive," she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be?
Is that the question?
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...?

I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, oh, I'm still alive
Hey I, but, I'm still alive
Yeah I, ooh, I'm still alive
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Back to the Jeannie bottle

2010-08-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

I want to hop into my cozy I dream of Jeannie bottle and not come out until September 16th. Why the 16th? Radiation ends the 15th and we leave for Australia on the 17th. That will give me a day to pack and prepare for the trip.

I'm feeling mentally exhausted right now. My physical energy is fine but, this mental and emotional battle I've been waging all year is sapping my strength. At times, I am silent yet screaming in my head. I wonder if people can tell? The final straw, yes there seem to be several of said final straws, is that last night I realized that I'd lost most of my eyebrows and at least three-quarters of my precious eyelashes.

Before you say, but you are alive!, yes, I know that I'm alive. And, I am grateful. Truly, I am grateful for my wonderful boyfriend, friends and family. But, unless you've gone through this treatment and endured so many crappy side-effects, you cannot understand how upsetting it is when these very visible symbols that you are sick keep slapping you in the face. Kind of like the hot flash that is drenching the back of my tank top as I write this.

I'm like a Monet painting: look great from far away and then you focus and notice that the eyebrows are painted on like the Fairfax Hospital cafeteria lady, that there are about 10 eyelashes total between both eyes, that the hair is a wig and that there is a ugly beige sleeve and glove on my right arm and hand. And, possible sweat stains from a hot flash.

Mind you, it took 10 minutes to put on said eyebrows and individually apply mascara to the sparse, long spindly lashes. How did they fall out six weeks after chemotherapy? I made the grave error of going online to research this distressing issue and instead of finding an answer found some information that taxotere, one of the chemo drugs I was fed, can cause permanent hair loss. Fantastic.

Let's see, on a positive note: my arm looks the best today than it has in the seven weeks that I've been dealing with this lymphedema. Perhaps it is finally going to stabilize and allow me to continue increasing my exercise and walk around bare-armed.

So, Jeannie bottle, here I come. I'm tired of this daily battle and just want to go to sleep and wake up next month. Hopefully with some lashes, brows and hair.

Riding the waves

2010-08-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

Fluctuations seem to be dominating these days. One minute, I feel calm, peaceful and centered and the next moment melancholy descends. I guess the good news is that these shifts are fleeting and I am confident that they will pass.

On a positive note, the first Yoga for Cancer Recovery class at lululemon went great this morning. I was lucky enough to have a fellow teacher, Irina, assist me. Seven students came and I am hopeful that they enjoyed the class as much as I enjoyed teaching it. Patti, my wonderful wig lady, came and loved it! I'm so thrilled that I could give back a little bit to her. I can't wait for next week, same bat time, same bat channel. I also learned that there is another class offered at the Cancer Center in Encinitas on Tuesday mornings so, I'm going to partake in that one next week.

On a less positive note, once a week, I get weighed and meet with the doctor to check in on how I am feeling. I don't understand why they weigh me? Are they afraid they might fry too many pounds off of me? As I drove through McDonalds, yes McDonalds, this afternoon, I don't think there is any danger of me wasting away. I've been doing a lot of emotional eating this week: goes with the fluctuations I suppose! The good news is that I could taste the salt on the McDonalds french fries. Hallelujah!! The taste buds are back!

I digress. I had an interesting conversation with my Radiation Oncologist this afternoon. When he asked me how my energy levels were, I replied that they were great, probably because of all the supplements I'm taking. Well, he and the nurse jumped on the supplement soapbox. They informed me that I could take a multivitamin but, not take any antioxidants. Apparently, radiation is oxidizing and the antioxidants could prevent it from working. Really. Seriously, I cannot fathom how the death rays could be thwarted by some antioxidants.

Wouldn't that be like me trying to fight off an armored tank with a slingshot? I don't buy it and I am going to continue to take them.

Actually, my energy level is most likely attributable to the acupuncture that I've been receiving. And, it is only the second week of radiation. I understand that it is cumulative and I've got five and one/half weeks to go.

What may kill me is the parking lot at Scripps. It is a perilous lot, with at least half the drivers too blind to see, too drugged up to drive or too upset to navigate. I swear, if Seinfeld were still on the air, the Scripps parking lot would serve as fodder for at least a week of episodes. I need a chauffeur! But, I better make sure I'm dropped off right at the curb or one of the aforementioned vehicles will run me down.

Tomorrow is Friday!

Affirmations

2010-08-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

Everything you say is an affirmation. Everything you think is an affirmation. Everything! What you want to do is to get control of what you are saying and thinking, so these things bring you good experiences in life rather than rotten experiences. Louise Hay

I love this quote from Louise Hay. Come to think of it, I love several quotes from Louise Hay: brilliant woman. With what I've been experiencing this year, I'm finding it increasingly important to make sure that I'm very careful where I allow my thoughts to go. If I am not careful, I can spiral downward at an alarming rate.

An example? The swelling in my hand from the lymphedema can completely freak me out in a flash. When it was really bad a few weeks ago, I was convinced that I would be completely disabled with my writing hand, never write again, never wear a ring, never want to talk with my hands again. Mind you, my father has joked that if my hands were tied behind my back, I wouldn't be able to talk because I tend to gesture so wildly to emphasize a point. Not an exaggeration.

So many factors work to drag me out of a positive mindset: the isolation in not being able to do a lot of my favorite things with my favorite people. The isolation in not feeling like leaving the house because it is too much effort to pencil on eyebrows and select a wig or hat. The isolation in avoiding talking to people because all I can talk about is the damn arm or radiation or growing hair or something connected to the cancer.

This morning was a rough one. I didn't sleep at all last night between the night sleeve squeezing me and Oreo howling all evening. It is time for his steroid shot because he is obviously not feeling well. That is another story.

So, being sleep deprived tends to depress me. All I wanted to do was hole up in my house. I went so far as half-heartedly trying to find a sub for my noon yoga class. Luckily, I did go teach and once again, the Frogs yogis were responsible for lifting my mood. It is truly amazing what all that positive energy does for me. Is that selfish? I can only hope that it is truly reciprocal.

In the spirit of Louise Hay: I will be diligent in choosing my affirmations. I will sleep peacefully for at least eight straight hours tonight. I will have lovely dreams. I will awake tomorrow feeling refreshed and happy.

Ovation!

2010-08-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

Not much to say when the photos say it all.

Exhibit 1: My sleeve and lovely "Oliver Twist" fingerless glove on display in Beverly Hills with Joanna. I wish you could see it live. It is hideous, uncomfortable and hot. I cannot wait until I can say goodbye to it forever.

Exhibit 2: Ovation Cell Therapy! Grow hair, grow! So, you slather on the coconut-smelling concotion all over your scalp and leave it on for a few hours. So, I utilized the shower cap that I swiped from the Laguna B&B last week. For everyone who has asked how Todd is handling all of this: this is the Claire that he gets to enjoy behind closed doors. No wig, barely any eyebrows and a shower cap over my big bald head. Ahhhh, the romance, the beauty, the reality.

I swear that several hundred more little hairs sprouted after I rinsed off my head. I can't wait to hae a full, shiny head of hair again. Grow, grow, grow!!

Sunday evenings

2010-08-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

Sunday evenings always seem to be a time for reflection for me.

I just returned from a quick trip up to La-la land to see Joanna and Angie to celebrate all three of our birthdays. As always, it was wonderful to catch up and hang out with two of my best friends! I made them both try on my Solaris night sleeve so they could get a feel for my new sleeping attire. I also made them go for a walk with me in my orthopedic stocking-looking sleeve and fingerless glove. In Beverly Hills, no less. That's what friends are for, right?

Actually, I had lots of time to reflect while driving up and back. Sadly, I was not kissed by the karma fairy in the traffic department. It was nasty bumper to bumper both ways. Between the bouts of mind-numbing brake riding and careening eighty miles an hour down the highway, I managed to process some thoughts that have been circling around in my brain.

With about half of my classes on hold for the foreseeable future, I've got more time and less money on my hands. Inverse of what one would usually seek. Part of me had the knee-jerk reaction to reach out and call studios and pick up classes elsewhere pronto! Work, work, work. But, listening to my gut, I know this isn't the right thing to do. I am starting the Yoga for Cancer Recovery at lululemon this week and will be teaching that weekly for August. I want these classes to be really special and that is a primary focus.

My dance card is rather full with daily radiation field trips taking roughly two hours altogether, including driving time. Ten hours a week: that feels like a part-time job! And, another few hours working with my acupuncturist to free-up the lymph node blockage. Five to seven lymphatic self-massages a day: another forty five minutes. No wonder the thought of taking on new classes seems formidable.

Epiphany: I need to just chill out and teach my current classes until I'm done with radiation treatment. People keep telling me that I'll be exhausted the last few weeks of treatment. I already feel a weird wave of nausea/tiredness each time I've stepped off the radiation table. But, I'm taking a whole slew of new, very expensive supplements, designed to help me rebuild my immune system and battle these side-effects. I'm getting tired just thinking about it.

I'm supposed to start my first coaching class tomorrow. And, I don't feel particularly enthusiastic, which worries me. Usually, I am the big dork, sharpened pencils, new notebooks and fresh highlighters, ready to absorb new information. Especially because I believe that the coaching education will be invaluable for me in my quest to help others down the line. But, I'm just not feeling it right now. How can I do well if I'm not excited? I am notorious for acing any class that interests me and just not caring about the others. I'm seriously considering calling CoachU tomorrow and postponing everything until early 2011. My mind and heart don't feel engaged.

I really just feel like focusing on teaching yoga, developing a cool program for yoga for cancer recovery above and beyond the August series, working with City of Hope planning the landmark event Yoga for Hope and writing. I'm feeling the pull to dig out my half-finished romance novel, yes, romance novel, and completing it. It is set in Laguna Beach and I've got Laguna fresh on my mind after Todd and I's wonderful trip there last week. Azure ocean, emerald green trees and bouganvilla to spare.

We'll see what Monday brings.

Yoga for Cancer Recovery Free Series

2010-07-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about silver linings: my original theme for this blogging endeavor. Please take a look at the invitation above and I think you'll see one of the primary gifts I've received this year.

Earlier this year while I was going through chemotherapy, I earned my certification to teach yoga to cancer patients. Now that I'm nearing the last months of my treatment, I'm able to share what I've learned both on and off of the mat with others who are living with cancer. I am both excited and nervous for the first official series of classes that I'll be teaching in this niche. It is funny: I'm so comfortable teaching yoga, it is as natural to me as breathing.

But, this is different. More powerful because there is an additional bond between all of the students that automatically makes us kindred souls: our lives have been touched in a way that changes us forever. So, I'm nervous. I want to share my gift of teaching with this community, to help heal, to help make a difference. I want to resonate.

I'm excited to be partnering with lululemon Carlsbad, where I am an ambassador, in offering this series of free weekly classes for the month of August. We'll meet Thursday mornings at 9am, prior to the store opening, starting next week. The classes are open to all levels and all people living with cancer: the only requirement is showing up on the mat.

Birthday Escape Recap

2010-07-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

My birthday was fantastic! Thank you everyone for all the birthday cards and wishes!

My primary desire was for sunshine and an escape from the reality of continued treatment. After an 8:30am radiation session, where anyone and everyone profusely apologized to me for Tuesday, Todd and I zoomed up to Laguna Beach for a 26 hour escape. I highly recommend the Casa Laguna Inn Bed & Breakfast for a perfect trip that felt like we were somewhere on the French Riviera.

With the sun shining brightly, the sky a clear blue and the air warm and soft, we headed north. I was so excited to leave my radiation treatment behind that I didn't mind wearing my Solaris arm-length oven-mitt in the car. I knew that I was shedding the sleeve for most of the day and figured that would make up for it. We headed to Splashes for lunch. Splashes is the restaurant at the very fancy Surf & Sand Resort. We dined with the ladies who lunch. Rather decadent for a Wednesday afternoon.

Then, we meandered down to our B&B. It was built circa 1920 and is filled with terraces and courtyards and winding vines tipped with bouganvilla. We sat out by the pool with a breathtaking view of the ocean, where classical music softly played in the background. It felt so healing to lounge in the sun, with the occasional dip in the pool. Then, we checked into our room, which was on the top level, with a view of the Pacific I could get accustomed to. We rounded out the afternoon with a walk down to Victoria Beach and some wine and cheese from the B&B happy hour.

Laguna has a free shuttle trolley that transported us a few miles into the center of town. We enjoyed dinner at Hush, a rather modern, California cuisine restaurant. Another exquisite meal. Enjoying food is such an important part of living in the present moment. I'm so glad that my taste buds are returning to normal. Now, I have to admit that we drank a lot of wine and I'm a lightweight. Let's just say that I'm happy that my exit from the trolley in 4-inch heels was not captured on film.

After enjoying a tasty breakfast on the terrace, strolling around town and hitting the beach, we returned to San Diego. And, the birthday buzz screamed to a halt as I headed down to Scripps for my radiation treatment.

My take on radiation thus far: the treatment is fast and they run it like clockwork. But, I'm concerned that I already feel the heat and tightness in my skin. Wow, what will it be like come September? I'm slathering on the aloe and plan on purchasing some calendula cream because it is supposed to be good at preventing the serious skin damage that can occur. My poor boob has just endured some serious abuse this year.

I cannot wait for September 15th: the last day of radiation: two days before we leave for Australia. Talk about a welcome escape!

Birthday Eve

2010-07-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

Birthday Eve
Thanks for all the encouraging comments!

Do you know those days where you are running from place to place, always about 5 minutes late for each appointment? I had one of those frenetic days today for the first time that I can recall. They used to be a mainstay of my life and I must say that I do not miss the madness.

I won't bore you with all the details but, I must rant about my ridiculous morning at Scripps. I reported in to Radiation Oncology at 9am for my radiation and repeat CT-Scan. Yes, repeat CT-Scan. Apparently, the one that was taken the day I was tattooed turned out strangely. Two techs ask me if I'd been panting during the scan. Panting. My bafflement must have shown because one lady actually panted like a dog to illustrate. I assured all of them that I hadn't been laying there, all magic markered and stickered up, panting.

Anyways, they told me to expect to be there for an hour. My lymphedema PT appointment was at 10am at the Scripps La Jolla location, about 5 minutes away. I could make that work. After the CT-Scan, however, the story changes and they tell me that it will be at least an hour before they'd have things set up for radiation. And, that I'd need to redo the x-rays from the day before because the parameters were all wrong from the CT-scan where I was allegedly panting. Well, what the heck did they radiate yesterday then?? If all the x-rays and CT-scan were wrong and needed redoing, should I be concerned?

Beyond concern, I was annoyed. They asked if I could come back, assuring me that they'd have me out of there in 10-15 minutes. I told them no, that I had appointments at 10am, class at 12pm, appointments at 2, 3:30 and 4:30pm. I'd come for my allotted hour and that wasn't enough?

Persistent creatures that they are, they asked if I could return for 10 to 15 minutes after my 10am PT appointment and assured me I'd be able to make it to Encinitas for my class at 12pm. So, I zoom over to Scripps La Jolla for PT. I cut my appointment thirty minutes short. Mind you, this is the second robe I've changed into by 10am.

I then run out of PT, hop in my car and drive back over to the parking lot from hell at Scripps Torrey Pines. For the second time, I battled octogenarians (sorry dad) who felt free to drive the wrong way up one-way lanes, lay on the horn while reversing up said lane in attempts to snag parking spaces. Madness. They need to sell extra insurance to traverse that lot.

I park. I lope back into the basement to Radiation. On goes Robe #3, accidentally ripping off Sheila in the process. I stuffed her back on my head, slightly askew, in my haste to get my radiation. Tick tock. 15 minutes elapse in the waiting area. It is now 11:33 and I need to be in Encinitas by 12pm. My agreement with these people was that I'd run back to them and they'd get me in and out in 15 minutes. My blood is starting to boil at this point.

I wasn't going to no-show my class so, I trotted back to shed Robe #3 and hightailed it out of there. I let the receptionist know that I had to leave and that I wasn't coming back for a third time today. I had to run back up the stairs, risk my life traversing the parking lot, and speed all the way to Encinitas and then try to calm myself down enough to teach class.

Wow, this is the non-detailed version.

The day improved from there. I went over to lululemon and got casted for keep-a breast foundation. Very interesting experience!

I'm really excited for tomorrow's trip to Laguna with Todd. It will start with an 8:30am radiation appointment. After that, it is celebration time!

p.s. photo of hair that fell out...missing it a lot!

Radiation....

2010-07-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

They say radiation is fast. I'll say. I didn't even know that I was receiving it and they came in and told me it was over! Bizarre.

The first day, they take several x-rays to make sure they've got the exact parameters to radiate. Or something like that. All I know is that I was lying on the incredibly hard table, with my arms overhead, while 3 techs and a doctor swarmed around me in my topless state. Red rays were all over me. They walked out for what seemed like a minute and returned to inform me that I was done. It will be interesting to see if it is like that every day. Definitely better than chemo, if that is the case.

Today, I consulted with an amazing lymphedema specialist from Colorado named Trudy. www.healthlinksclinic.com. She gave me some additional helpful information and suggested that I do a lot more lymphatic self-massage and keep up on the range of motion exercises daily. She also told me to relax and meditate more because stress can make it worse.

She is concerned that radiation will exacerbate the problem and told me that I most definitely need to stay out of the heated yoga room, at least until a few months after radiation is complete. The heat and humidity trigger not only the swelling but also will make the radiation side-effects worse. Essentially, radiation is heat and my body will be working to stay healthy from the burning. Additional heat doesn't help. This is the umpteenth person who has doled out this advice.

I've been trying to avoid what seemed like the inevitable since the lymphedema reared its ugly head. Today, I had to give in and get my classes at Sculpt Fusion covered for the next few months. I'm so saddened because I love the community at Sculpt Fusion; I'd just returned to my classes and was so happy to reconnect with my students. Not to mention that I taught five classes there and it was a major part of my income. This lymphedema is hitting me on so many levels.

But, I will win.

Tomorrow is my birthday eve. One more day of being 43. For some odd reason, I won't be sad to wave goodbye to 43. Bring on 44!

BTW, feel free to comment directly on the blog! It makes me smile.

Seeking some strength.

2010-07-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

So, I'm typing in this glove and it really isn't working for me. Besides being inordinately unattractive, it is uncomfortable. I just find it amazing that they prescribe these items and act like it is not a big deal. Wrong!

This is my right hand. My writing hand. It feels like a slow deterioration of everything that was once normal. The scars, the numb armpit, the bandages. I cannot pretend. This situation with my arm has sent me into a depression. Plain and simple. Here is a link to a NY Times article on lymphedema and exercise if you are interested in learning more about this "mystery" condition. http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/17/ask-questions-about-cancer-lymphedema-and-exercise/

Other than that, I've had a great weekend. Yesterday I taught a Lululemon Community yoga class and we had 58 people practicing in the store! And a dog! I love teaching there: always fun. I'm so grateful for the opportunity. Thanks to everyone who came!

Last night was the grand opening party for Bindu Yoga Studio in Del Mar. Katie attracted a huge turnout, with music, refreshments and art. This studio is such a special space and I love being a part of it. If you are local and haven't been yet, join me Monday at 9:15am.

Prior to the party, Todd and I tried Blue Fin Sushi and it was fantastic. I'm happy to report that I can taste again!! I believe that my taste buds are just about back to normal! And, for someone who appreciates food as much as me, that is great progress.

To round out the weekend, I went to the Beach House for a birthday champagne brunch with my girlfriends Anne, April, Kirsten and Nikke. I was pleased that the mimosas were full-flavor as well. Good friends, good food, lots of laughter and an ocean view: what's not to love? Thanks ladies for kicking off my birthday week!

I have so much to be grateful for right now. But, I am having a tough time keeping myself level. Radiation starts tomorrow. Tamoxifin prescription is filled and I don't want to take it. Where will I draw the strength to finish this last leg of the journey? I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. I want to be able to enjoy a regular, meaning with sun salutations, yoga practice. Sooner rather than later.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

2010-07-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

Breaking News from Carlsbad, California:

Attention: The Dreaded Liver Spot is Gone: Nowhere to be found. Not even a speckle. Nothing. Nada. Not a dot on the liver. We still have no clue what the dreaded spot was but, whatever it was, it hightailed itself out of my liver. Good riddance!

Oncologist concurs: "the lymphedema must feel like the straw that broke the camel's back." Well put, Dr. K, well put! She was saddened to learn that lymphedema had found me. She recognizes that this means major changes not just in my personal life but, also in my professional life. The heated yoga room is a problem. She confirmed that it is chronic and waxes and wanes for the rest of your life. Over the last three weeks: it has gone from 14.4 to 21% to 19% to 15% volume difference. Yippee. At least it is measurably smaller. I've got a ways to go before it is reduced to 5-10% difference.

New and Informed Sources offer Hope: Next week, I will be starting on a supplement called Circuberry that will help with the lymphatic system issues. I received some excellent advice on lymphedema and general rebuilding of my body post-chemo from a source in New York. Also, on Monday, I'm consulting with "the best lymphedema expert" in Colorado. This practitioner works for a clinic so won't be handcuffed by insurance and hospital restraints. I'm hopeful she will have some additional information for me besides what I'm already doing. So far, the most helpful work has been the micro-current treatment with my acupuncturist. Thank goodness for her!

Mummy Lady Sheds her Bandages!: Yes, it is true! I no longer have to bandage my arm. I have 20 minutes of each day of my life back! How is this possible? I am now the proud owner of the Solaris Night Sleeve. Now, I can put on my custom oven-mitt-like-device instead. As the bandages almost squeezed out the final vestiges of my sanity, this is fantastic news. Even though soon I won't have to wear it. I won't accept the PT's prediction of daily sleeve and nightly oven-mitt until December.

Finally! Someone has Numbers for Radiation after Chemo: Dr. K told me that there is a 35% difference in recurrence rate with the radiation. The chemo kills all the micro-cells (?) in the entire body but, isn't as effective at the surgery site for some reason. So, the radiation ensures that any rogue cells near the old tumor are killed. Hmmmmm....at least it is a stat. That's what I wanted, right? I am going to go ahead with the radiation. Start it anyways.

Claire has 1825 Pills to Swallow: Time to start the 5 years of daily Tamoxifen. So, that means more hot flashes. As I am not currently enamored of the waking up in the middle of the night sweating, this news is altogether unwelcome. Apparently, chemo has knocked me into early menopause. Not sure how I feel about that. I guess that means definitively that my parents will never have grandchildren. That is ones that are not four-legged. When I think of it this way, it feels tragic.

Life Marches On... Believe it or not, I actually had time to see friends, to teach and to see Eclipse again. And, in the interest of maintaining the facade of a normal life, I am now going to indulge in a glass of wine with my man.

A little patience...

2010-07-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

How did it get to be July 20th? My birthday is a week from tomorrow. How did I get to be a week shy of 44? This photo is from my 40th.

44??? Really? The doctors all keep telling me that they are treating me so aggressively because I am so young. 20 is young. 44 is...gasp...dare I say it?....Middle Aged.

What do they say? 50 is the new 30? And, 40 is the new 20? What does that make me?

Some days I feel 100, wise and experienced beyond my years. But, if I am honest, most days I feel like I'm about 25. Maturity-wise anyways. And, that is fine with me. It is all an attitude, right? I plan on approaching life with a childlike wonder for many more years.

No word from the oncologist regarding the results of the liver CT-scan. That must be good news. I meet with her on Friday. We'll see if she has a more convincing line regarding the radiation. She's said a few times that I could have been cancer free right after surgery. They just don't know. I wish she hadn't told me that.

I've spoken with a few people, some who have experience in the medical field and who have recently researched this issue. The consensus seems to reinforce that view that I am REALLY young. Radiation to the location where the tumor was removed is basically extra insurance to make double-pinky-swear-sure that any rogue cancer cell is squashed. They just don't know. How is that possible? The uncertainty stings.

The lessons in patience and faith don't seem to be slowing down. The hand and arm continue to wax and wane. Even a mellow walk causes my hand to swell up. How much bandaging can one arm take? They were torn off at 5am and tossed across the room. Again. It is so hard to sleep with three layers of bandages from knuckle to armpit. I am starting to have dreams that I'm completely wrapped up from head to toe. Not pretty. No mystery deconstructing that dream!

Time to go wrap the arm.

Radiation dilemma

2010-07-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

Dilemma of the day: to radiate or not to radiate? I am not fully convinced that it is the right thing to do for me. I don't understand why neither the oncologist nor the radiation oncologist can give me statistics. What is the different rate of recurrence with or without radiation?

Before, radiation didn't seem like a big deal. Now, it does. What is this radiation going to do to my body? The collateral damage is just so huge from all of this. One of my biggest fears at the beginning of this ride was what would happen to my immune system long-term from all the "cure." The lymphedema is a result of my immune system being impaired. And, it really stinks.

My legs still feel super sore, like I ran a marathon. It is bizarre. I was lucky enough to have a massage yesterday afternoon and Mel, my amazing massage therapist, told me that she could feel the ropiness in my muscles. This recovery may be taking longer than I had anticipated.

Nonetheless, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. Perhaps through a little yoga and meditation the right decision will come to me.

A Regular Summer Day

2010-07-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

It feels like summer! Normal summer, not Ye Olde Summer of Cancer 2010. Wonderful. Dinner in Laguna last night was lovely. What a gorgeous little seaside town. I did whip off Sheila the second we got into the car and rode back to Carlsbad bald. Not so normal!

Today, I had nothing to do, nowhere to be. I'd almost forgotten how that feels. We headed down to the beach and basked in the sun and splashed in the surf. I sported Dominique with a straw hat. I only went into the ocean up to my thighs because I'm not sure that Dominique is a swimmer!

We reviewed our Australia travel book and the trip is beginning to take shape. Reality! Escape! Two weeks of bliss! Two months from today we are on the plane to Sydney.

This morning, I unwrapped my bandaged arm and was thrilled to see my hand looking smaller than it has in the last few weeks. Almost normal. Veins and tendons and wrinkles and everything. It maintained all day! I did some yoga here at the house but, re-bandaged it first. I'm not taking any chances! Perhaps I've broken the barrier and the miracle has arrived: no more swelling.

People have been asking how I am feeling. Well, my body feels bizarre. My energy level feels like it is increasing. No more mandatory naps. But, my legs are incredibly sore, as if I'd climbed El Capitan. Stop laughing at that visual. I also feel swollen all over. Perhaps the lactic acid is reacting differently? I'm not sure what causes these quick shifts in my physique. Perhaps each cell in my body is doing a handstand because they've realized the chemotherapy portion of treatment is done, done, done. That's great and all but, they can pull it in a bit because my pants feel tight.

I've been pondering the next two months of daily radiation and I am not convinced, at all, that it is the right thing to do. Why can't the doctor's give me recurrence numbers specifically for 1)surgery + 2) chemotherapy + 3) radiation??? They keep talking about lumpectomy goes with radiation, whether or not lymph nodes are involved. But, they've told me that the chemotherapy kills everything. Why do I need to cook my right boob and surrounding environs? What damage will that do to my skin, my muscle, my bone, my organs?

Time to enjoy a regular July Saturday night.

May I have a redo please?

2010-07-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

Today started out fabulously:

7:30am: cuddle session with the cats

8am: gentle yoga practice at home, all with the Michelin Man arm bandaging

10:30am: manicure/pedicure.

That's when it went south.

My Fantasy Day: I would've gone to see Eclipse again by myself. Then, soaked up some sunshine at the pool while reading my new book. Perhaps a walk on the beach.

My Actual Day:

11:30am: Lymphedema therapy, complete with compression pump and bandaging.

1:10pm: Check in at Radiology for the CT Re-scan of the liver. No pressure or stress there. Drank a pitcher of dye slowly for an hour and fifteen minutes, had an IV inserted into my arm and more dye poured in and then stuffed into the Scanner. This is that fun test where they inject the dye through the IV and it makes you feel like you wet your pants. Silver lining: graham crackers and orange juice.

3:35pm: Famished after fasting all morning for that test. Go to Green Hospital cafeteria. Go directly to baked goods bin. Purchase two cookies and a jelly donut. Consume in under two minutes. Not much chewing. Twenty minutes later, for some odd reason, I developed an intense tummy ache. I guess that wasn't the super-antioxidant meal I should've had. Oh well.

4:00pm: Report to Radiation Oncology in basement of Scripps Clinic. Receive my nifty removeable armband that will enable me to park for free for the next 7 1/2 weeks of daily radiation treatment. I love the VIP treatment.

The nurse weighs me and I weigh more than I ever have in my entire LIFE. Seriously. Are you kidding me? Those cookies sure registered quickly. Then, I get the scoop: the doctor isn't going to radiate my lymph nodes because that will make the lymphedema worse. And, he informs me that since the cancer in my one lymph node had only been 4mm, read TINY, that he felt comfortable radiating just my breast. It is hard not to feel saddened to know that tiny 4mm spot was the difference between the axial dissection that caused lymphedema and chemo and having the lesser invasive lumpectomy and radiation. Oh well..

Nobody can explain to me why I have to have radiation after having had chemo. Chemo was supposed to kill every microscopic cell, cancer or not, right? Isn't this a bit much to now radiate my breast 35 times?

So, more indignities followed: they mark up the area where they plan on radiating you. With magic markers and stickers. I felt like a prize cantalope at the county fair. Then, you put your arms overhead and get stuck back into yet another CT Scanner while they photograph the exact location for treatment. They also take photos with a regular camera. What the heck am I going to do when I get famous and those are leaked on the internet?!!

Next, they remove the stickers and permanently tattoo you in three different spots.
Mind you, I was not of the generation who felt compelled to get a tattoo. No desire. Ever. Now, I have a dot right in the middle of my cleavage. Great. Couldn't they do it on the boob where it could be covered up? Really? And, the tech was really sweet and trying to make the spot tiny. This kindness backfired and she had to re-poke me with the needle in two of three spots. It hurt. A lot.

I prefer Scenario #1: my fantasy day. Thank you very much.

I am very excited that tomorrow is Friday, that I have no appointments, that I get to teach my Frogs yoga class, hang out in the sun and then go to Laguna to dinner with my cute boyfriend.

Sunny Day #2

2010-07-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

San Diego weather is back! Sunny and 75. I wanted to hit the pool but, my arm was bandaged up after therapy and I just thought it might be a sweaty, messy endeavor. I wouldn't want to scare any of the kids at the pool. Imagine: the bald lady with the big pink hat and Michelin Man arm starts screaming and ripping bandages off, throwing them in the pool. They'd probably be scarred for life.

As the arm shrinks: my arm is smaller than last week. But, not as small as the week before. It was 14% larger 2 weeks ago and 21% larger last week. Scary. It is down to @17% difference. My goal is that by my birthday in 2 weeks, yes, that is right: MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 2 WEEKS FROM TODAY: JULY 28TH! I MADE IT!!

Okay, my goal is that by my birthday in 2 weeks that it is under 10%. How many times can I say that my birthday day is in 2 weeks? We are shooting for a 5-10% difference and then maintaining that. Forever. My PT also cleared me to start doing some light weights on my arms and 5 Sun Salutations. Yippee! I can do 5 Sun Salutations. On my knees and on my forearms in Down Dog. It is a start.

Tomorrow is a big day. I have PT again at 11:30 and will be compressed and bandaged when I head over for the CT-Scan from Hell. The Liver Scan. That silly spot is going to be gone, gone, gone. I figured out what it was anyways: Prom night. After the scan, I meet with the radiation oncologist to plan them frying my boob for 7 weeks. I am looking forward to tomorrow being over already and I haven't even woken up yet.

Then, a weekend of sunshine! And working out. On the road to recovery. Did I mention that my birthday is in 2 weeks?

Turning the corner

2010-07-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes. I am so grateful for all the support that I have. Today, I turned the corner in my mindset with this lymphedema. It isn't resolved yet but, I decided that it will be. I am not accepting that this could take six months of daily bandaging and sleeve wearing. I will heal faster because I am strong.

Lois worked with me with the microcurrent machine to open up the lymphatic pathways near the incision that marks the inception of this latest snafu in my cancer recuperation. It is miraculous how the swelling subsides so quickly with this alternative treatment. It sure beats bandaging. Anyways, I kissed my arm in the shower and told it that it would be healed very soon. Love, love, love to my right arm.

And, enough about the arm. Way too much airtime over the last three and one-half weeks.

As I mentioned earlier, I was thrilled to go to Warner Springs and participate in Active.com's Endurance Camp. Today, I was thrilled to receive feedback from some of the students who practiced yoga with me.

"That was the absolute best yoga experience I've ever had. Period."
"In the top 3 yoga sessions I've had"
"Claire is amazing. I've been doing this for years, and THAT was amazing."

It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to know that I can connect with people through my teaching. I love teaching yoga.

Today, things shifted for me. I've turned a corner and am certain that my strength is returning. My body thinks it is getting poisoned again on Thursday and it isn't! I can't wait to see how I start feeling each day now that my cells aren't under attack from the chemo drugs. And, hair is growing. By next week, I'm sure I'll have a luxurious mane.

I can dream big, right?

A Change of Scenery

2010-07-11T20:14:00.001-07:00

I know there are those who say that you can't run away from your problems but, I tend to disagree. Changing location can play a huge part in altering your mood, at least for a little while. Escape. Relief. Lightness and change.

Warner Springs ActiveX Endurance Camp did it for me, at least until my arm swelled up. But, that is a later rant. About 100 active.com employees spent the weekend biking, swimming, running in preparation for the Solana Beach Triathalon. We were there so I could teach the yoga class at the end of the festivities.

We arrived to glorious sunshine yesterday. Hot, sunny blue skies. It felt fantastic. San Diego has been gray, cold and drizzly for over two weeks straight and it weighs on the psyche. We lounged at the pool, soaked up some sun and relaxed. For the first time since the lymphedema developed, I was completely happy. An enjoyable BBQ with a wonderful group of people completed a great day.

Alas, the escape was merely fleeting. I spent yesterday afternoon getting fitted for a sleeve to wear all day, every day, until the lymphedema improves. My PT didn't prescribe a gauntlet/glove for me, just the sleeve. My hand has held a great deal of swelling and from what I've read, you are supposed to have a gauntlet (fingerless) glove to control the hand swelling. What do I know as the patient, right?

I'd gotten over the mental and emotional hurdle and had resolved to wear the damn hideous, uncomfortable, orthopedic stocking-looking thing all day and bandage all night. I want my arm back.

So, yesterday morning, I went to my shift at the cat house at Petco and wore the sleeve. By the end of the two hour shift, my hand was swollen and red. Not good. I lost it. What am I supposed to do? I'm trying to comply with all of this restrictive treatment and it ISN'T WORKING. I am so frustrated that I cannot stop bursting into tears. Why did my hand swell up??? I couldn't reach anyone to answer my questions.

Then, I bandaged last night after the Warner Springs dinner and expected to wake up to a smaller arm. Nope. No visual difference. It made my morning challenging, trying to ignore it as I taught, worried it would swell more from the efforts.

Escape over.

Warner Springs Eve

2010-07-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

TGIF! No more appointments for a few days. This week has been dominated by efforts to curb the expansion of my arm. Unfortunately, it is bigger than it was last week, which is not the result aimed for. So, I'll be wearing a sleeve all day every day and bandages all night for the foreseeable future.

On the alternative front, I'm continuing with the microcurrent treatments that yield immediate results in diminishing swelling. I'm also going to start on some herbal supplements that are supposed to aid with lymphatic system issues. And, I am working my way to true visualization and healing. This issue will be resolved and it will become a distant memory. No more flare ups. This is it. One shot evil lymphedema: that is all you get with me. Once you are gone, you are history. Period.

So there!

On a positive note, today I met with an amazing woman who works for City of Hope. She is organizing an event called Yoga for Hope to raise money for cancer research. I am going to work with her to help make it a huge success. I'm honored to be a part of this inaugural event.

What is City of Hope? It is one of only 40 National Cancer Institute-designated Comprehensive Cancer Centers nationwide and a founding member of the National Comprehensive Cancer Network. An independent biomedical research, treatment and education institution, they are a leader in the fight to conquer cancer, diabetes, HIV/AIDS and other life-threatening diseases. www.cityofhope.org.

Off to pack for Warner Springs. It is the second annual ActiveX (active.com) Warner Springs Endurance Camp. Arch Fuston organizes a weekend of triathalon preparation, complete with bringing out the experts to coach on tri transitions, swim trials, etc. I'm leading a yoga class on Sunday morning for all the athletes after they return from their run. Last year was a blast and I expect the same for this year.

The Lymphedema Blues

2010-07-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

Warning: I'm having a self-pity type of week. As I promised myself I'd keep it real in documenting my journey, I'm not holding back. I know I'll emerge on the other side of this but, for now, I am plowing through a present that is very challenging. I know that this lymphedema will resolve itself and won't be such a big deal soon. Very soon. For the present moment, however, it is not resolved.

Yesterday my arm swelled up as I was teaching class in the heated room. I felt helpless as I watched it grow over the 75 minute class. It was disappointing, to put it mildly.

How to analogize: I'd say it is like when you feel the initial tingling of a cold sore sprouting up at an inopportune time in a very obvious spot. The horror hits you as you know if you don't catch it in time, it will explode right on the center of your lip, most likely right before you have a big date or photo session. And, you know that it will last for a few weeks before it decides to make its exit. Or, if you haven't had a cold sore, dredge up that buried high school moment when a giant pimple the size of a rasberry sprouted on the tip of your nose before prom.

So, control issues are rearing their ugly head. When will this be under control? Why another physical issue that forces me to curtail my regular activities? Why so much restriction? Why am I in the 25% to develop this condition? I don't mean to be a big fat baby but, this is making me feel sorry for myself. Period. I'd hoped to be focused on regaining my strength and building back up to feeling "normal" again.

Okay, the positive: my new lymphedema therapist is excellent and has some great suggestions and I am praying that they work. Fast. Sleeping with my arm in three layers of bandages and one layer of thick cotton isn't comfortable. In fact, I haven't had a good night's sleep in four nights. Finally, I ripped them off at 3am last night.

Okay, manifestation time: I will sleep eight blissful hours tonight and when I wake up in the morning and remove my bandages, my hand will look normal. After I meet with the PT tomorrow, we will have this resolved. For the foreseeable future.

Back to school!

2010-07-05T20:36:00.000-07:00

Return to reality! I feel like a little kid who just went back to school after a long summer away from all her favorite people. What an awesome day! I am pooped.

The morning started at Bindu Yoga in Del Mar, where some of my students from other studios came in and tried the studio for the first time. Lovely energy, lovely class! Then, I headed over to Sculpt Fusion Yoga and was thrilled to see several of my regular students again. It was a familiar homecoming and I couldn't be happier.
The work day ended at Pilates with my strong, lovely regulars Leslie and Katharine. How can teaching be so much fun?

Unfortunately, my hand swelled up yesterday and again today. I've been wrapping nightly but, I cannot sleep. Last night I ripped them off at 4am because I couldn't endure another moment. I wrapped yesterday and today when I returned home. All I can say is this wrapping with three layers of bandages, a layer of cotton and a cotton sleeve underneath sucks. When the bandages are removed, there are deep marks into my skin from the compression and that is considered normal. It does bring down the swelling but, there is nothing "normal" about it. At all.

I am confident, however, that my arm will return to normal size and stay that way. It will, it will, it will.

3 Little Hairs

2010-07-04T13:45:00.001-07:00

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Where is the sun? My toes are painted patriotic blue, my bikini is orange, my giant pink hat that adequately covers my big bald head was securely in place. Slathered on sunscreen. New InStyle magazine. Lovely sarong, that I forgot how to tie....I need another lesson.

And, no sun. And, not only is there no sun, it is cold and breezy! Absolutely unacceptable.

So, here I sit, hunched over the computer at the peak of what should be a sunny 4th of July. Harrumph. We're going to take out the beach cruisers later but, I'm not sure if that is a good idea as my hat and hat-hair might blow off in the bitter, cold wind. The last time my hat was pulled off wasn't pretty and I'd prefer to avoid that trauma. Maybe I can tie it on with something?

I am feeling better! Thank goodness! Day 10 after the final chemotherapy treatment and I'm excited to usher in a new era. All of the yucky side-effects are starting to fade, one by one.

Emotionally, I feel rather disconnected from most of my friends and the studios where I teach. I just haven't been there fully for so long. I am eager to rebuild a sense of regularity where I teach when I'm scheduled, when I can talk to my friends and make plans that aren't centered around treatment, where things feel more reciprocal. There is a melancholy sense that I've been on ice for six months as everyone else has moved forward. I hope to find synchronicity soon.

On a positive note, some new hairs are sprouting on my head. Not the little 1/2 inch stubble but, actual hairs!! There are 3 in particular that have caught Todd and I's attention. These 3, count them, 3 hairs are about 2 inches long and appear to have just sprung up. So, if all of them start popping in at 2 inches, I'll be in a chic pixie in no time.

I swore I'd never have a pixie again but, I guess that is a lesson in there is no Never or Always. The term "pixie haircut" brings up a deep wound between my mother and I from when I was eight years old. I don't think I've ever forgiven her for it. She lured me to the hairdresser for a "trim" and I exited that salon with a pixie. Mind you, I was a skinny little kid and the only feature identifying me as female was my hair. With it shorn off of me, I looked like a little boy. Much to my chagrin.

To be fair, my mom was probably sick and tired of trying to get a brush through the rat's nest that was my long, waist-length hair. We were living in Nairobi at the time and I must admit that I was quite a tomboy. I was always playing outside and if I recall correctly, I wasn't a huge fan of the bath tub or taking my hair out of pigtails. Traumatized, I vowed never to have short hair again. Again, with those "nevers." I succeeded except for a misguided haircut and perm combo in high school but, that is another story.

So, come on 3 little hairs! Grow, multiply, becoming abundant! I'm letting go of absolutes like Never and Always....and not just with the hair. I'm ready to reclaim my life, starting with the renaissance of the pixie.

Adventures in mail-order

2010-07-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

San Diegans are outraged at the extreme gray weather blanketing our fine city. June Gloom is over and it should be sunny beach weather. Although I would usually be marching at the head of the sunshine parade, the gloom has been the perfect setting for me over this last week. I've been a watered down version of myself: Shadow of Claire. I'm ready to remove the dimmer switch and shine very soon.

I'll share the most amusing moment of the entire week, thus lending you some insight to my entire week: the delivery of my Ovation Cell Therapy treatment. According to the radio and a few other personal testimonials, this concotion will grow my hair back thicker and fuller than ever before. If you remember my hair, not a big challenge.

When the doorbell rang, I was inside on the couch or bed, take your pick. Since I was in my full bald splendor complete with Michelin Man Mummy arm, I chose not to answer the door. Call me vain. As soon as I was certain the FedEx man had scuttled away, I yanked the door open, snatched the package with my mummy arm and retreated back into the cave with my prize.

I've been carefully washing my bald head with the shampoo and then massaging the Cell Therapy Treatment in the shower. I'm saving the conditioner portion of the ritual for when I actually have some hairs to put it on. I'm sure those follicles are getting fired up and ready to sprout out long, curly golden locks. Ha. I can dream right? Hell, they can come in silver and curly as long as they come in fast and will respond to Blonde Dye!

I've had the concentration span of a grasshopper this week. Hopefully, this isn't a side-effect of rubbing the Ovation gunk on my scalp. No ability to focus on completing anything that I need to complete, no sustained effort or if I am honest, no sustained interest in anything. I've just not had the energy to do anything. Physically or mentally. Perhaps it isn't just lymphatic fluid in my arm but, brain fluid has drained down to give me a fat elbow?

I did read some of my early blog entries from January and February. Wow, a lifetime ago. Tests, diagnoses, surgery, the drain, and and and. One thing that shines through is the amazing love and support that I've received from friends, family, students and even those that I didn't know.

Once treatment is finished and I feel officially "healed", it will be interesting to sit down and actually read the entire journey: I need a title: Bridget Jones Diary Meets Claire's Right Boob?

And, on that note, I'd forgotten all the gratuitous boob shots that I posted early on. What a great idea! Here's one from post-surgery, pre-chemo!

Team Edward

2010-07-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

All. The. Way.

Cat naps

2010-06-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

Quiet times. Me and the kitties. Sleeping, napping, lying about or eating. Oreo and Jake are quite pleased that I've seen the light and am sharing their usual schedule, without pesky interruptions like leaving the house or interacting with other humans. Oreo seems to be slowing down and just wants to be curled up close to me. So, I guess there is a silver lining in being housebound.

I'm shocked at how exhausted I am. I've been drinking my fresh vegetable juice and popping all types of antioxidants and herbs in the desperate hope that they'll infuse my limbs with some vitality. Or, at least I won't get winded dragging myself from the couch to the bed! I am ready to have my legs back!

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a big day! I have two major appointments.

At 8:30, I see a new lymphedema specialist. Knowing that I have a new therapist, who will hopefully be nice to me, despite ironing my arm in the compression machine and wrapping me up like a mummy, is encouraging. I hope to get some answers: such as when my arm will be back to normal, when I can do Down Dog and whether I'll have to wear a sleeve when I do it, how to prevent another flare-up and all that good stuff.

The big event, and trust me, as only someone who has been cooped up in the house for seven nights can say, this is epic: I have an 11am date to see Eclipse with Kirsten. Go Team Edward. Eclipse was my favorite book so, I can't wait to see it play out on the big screen. Anticipation.....I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight?

And, you think I'm joking.

Therapist from Hell

2010-06-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

Well, this final recovery from chemotherapy isn’t quite what I had envisioned. I was fully prepared to have wobbly legs like a colt, to need lots of rest, to take all my meds and herbs, to rinse my mouth out with warm salt water, and all the other tricks I've accumulated along the way. Little did I know that I’d be trapped in the house like I was with the godforsaken surgery drain. This time, however, I am bandaged up like a mummy, knowing that the bandages will play an as yet undetermined part in my future.

Part of the nightmare of this last week is embodied in the lymphedema specialist. You know when you meet someone for the first time and yet you recognize them? You click? As if you've known each other before? Well, with M, it was the opposite. Her gaze sent a chill down my spine. She is not here to help or heal, in fact, her words and actions have had the opposite effect.

Today was the last day of her negative influence. I know this may be surprising but, I am a wimp with personal confrontation. Nonetheless, I put on my big girl panties this afternoon and called to tell the office that I wasn’t comfortable working with her and wanted another therapist. They instantly obliged me, no questions asked.

So, what was the problem with this person who made me cry in the office not once but, twice?

Here are some of her words, delivered during treatment to me over the last week:

“You have a lot of anger issues over your breast cancer and you just need to get over it,”

“Stop being so dramatic,” (when I saw my arm after the pump was removed)

“This is a permanent condition and you just need to deal with it,”

“Just get used to wrapping yourself in bandages, maybe daily for the rest of your life.”

Mind you, this woman doesn’t know me. At all. Knows nothing about me, my attitudes, my strengths, my weaknesses. Except that I just finished Round 6 of chemo and have developed lymphedema.

Besides her remarks, her other behavior has been inappropriate and wrong. Last week, she showed me how to do lymphatic self-massage. This is when it got weird: we are in a small room, with the curtain drawn. First, she pulls her sleeve down to rub her collarbone and shoulder. Okay.

The next thing you know, she whips off her shirt and is standing there in her bra and pants, massaging her chest and arm. I was extremely uncomfortable. Why did she feel the need to doff her shirt? Then, she grabs a roll around her waist and says how now that she is 58 she has love handles. WHAT???

So, why was I afraid to call the physical therapy department and request a different therapist? Isn’t that interesting? Do I care if I hurt this woman’s feelings? No, not at all. Is it more about being uncomfortable if I see her in the department and she knows I requested not to work with her anymore? Maybe. I find it interesting that they made the switch with No questions asked. I am excited to have a new therapist.

So, my world has been small and unpleasant this week. I am processing, going through it and am hoping this will be just another speed bump in my rear view mirror.
That the pump/bandage 24/7 therapy will be over soon. That I can focus on healing my whole body, heart and mind. That next week is new, fresh and I feel strong again.

Rough skies

2010-06-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

Not up for writing but, this photo captured the stormy skies chez moi.

Let's just say that while I am happy that the chemo phase is over, this is the darkest and most challenging recuperation phase thus far. Right now, not really seeing an end in sight. I know it is there but, just out of reach. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow.....

Chemo Graduation Complete!

2010-06-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

Everyone at Scripps loved my Chemo Graduation T-shirt! It was absolutely perfect, thank you again Anaise! Thanks to Meredith, Anne and Rachel for sharing some of the afternoon with me. The last afternoon ever in the Chemo Lounge for me.

It hasn't really hit me yet that I am done with the worst part of treatment. It is fini. Behind me. Never have to go again. Now my hair can start growing back. As I lost 5 more eyebrow hairs yesterday, that is a good thing. I'm starting to look like the lady who worked at Fairfax Hospital cafeteria with fully drawn-on brows!

Now, it is time to move forward!! To focus on building new strength, stamina, and getting my arm under control. Coach U starts next week so I can begin the journey of rounding out my career and add Life Coach to my resume. Officially, that is! I'm looking forward to getting back to a regular teaching schedule, to planning the Lululemon Yoga for Cancer Recovery collaboration we've set up for August.

And, most importantly, to have this cancer fade into the background. Never forgotten but, no longer the star of the show. I've got too much to live for, too much to do, too many people to love. And, for now, the Sandman is calling me for a nap.

As the arm shrinks....

2010-06-23T12:37:00.001-07:00

Chemo Eve. I'm shifting my focus to celebratory: chemotherapy is almost over forever! This time, I know I'll have my downtime but, it is finite. Thereafter, I will continue to get strong, rebuild my muscles and bones and grow some hair on this egg-like head of mine.

Thank you everyone for the offers of fat harvesting: at this rate I could build boobs the size of Dolly Parton. I only need about a golf-ball amount so, perhaps everyone could write an essay on why they have the richest, plumpest fat and why their fat would make the best boob filler. Feel free to do so in the Comments session. Apparently, belly fat works very well. I don't know how I'd feel about having someone's butt fat on my chest. Keep that in mind.

Thank you for making me laugh.

After sleeping, or shall I say attempting to sleep, with the Michelin Man arm, I gingerly unwrapped all of the bandages. Nervous, eager and hesistant to look at my arm, I nonetheless glanced down. Was this how Michael Jackson felt each and every time he got a new nose job?

I'm happy to report that the swelling has definitely subsided a lot. I can see my wrist again and the wrinkles on the inside of my elbows. The upper arm surrounding my elbow is still puffy but, not quite as puffy. You can see some bone at the tip. Hurray!! I will continue with the exercises and wrapping my arm before bed and pray that the remaining bloat will disappear. The therapist said we'll work on it for a few weeks and generally reach optimal size by then so, fingers crossed. I'm now feeling optimistic that I can shrink this to almost normal.

Then, it will all be about prevention. I'll worry about that later. I will regain my strength. I will not have to wear a sleeve every day. Down the line, if I perceive slight swelling, I will wrap it up with a smile and it will be gone by morning. Nothing more.

I have an awesome "Chemo Graduation Day" T-shirt to wear tomorrow, courtesy of Anaise--thank you very much! It is perfect. Depending upon how I feel after chemo, I'm craving Wine Steals pizza. Celebration!!

Pump & Bandage Special

2010-06-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

This is a Lymphedema pump, that squeezed my arm for about 30 or 40 minutes to try to drain the lymphatic fluid out of the areas where it is pooling. When this sleeve was removed, it looked like a chef had been pumping my arm in twenty little waffle irons. I'm now wrapped up with three ace bandages, reminiscent of the Michelin Man. I have to keep the bandages on overnight and pray, pray, pray that the swelling subsides.

After spending three, yes three, hours with the Lymphedema Specialist, I have "mild" lymphedema. It is a permanent, chronic condition that if goes untreated, can result in a big, fat, hard sausage-arm. Now, the goal is to bring the swelling down over the next few weeks with three times per week sessions of lymphatic massage and the giant waffle iron sleeve. If it fails to reduce in the next few weeks, it will permanently be bigger than the other arm.

What does this mean? The good news is I don't have to wear a compression sleeve daily. Huge relief.I'll have to monitor every single workout, what weight I pick up: from a grocery bag to my cat,as well as "vigorous activity"....whatever the heck that means.

If I start to see swelling, I can wrap my arm overnight with the ace bandages. Which, by the way, is incredibly uncomfortable. I will have to wrap the arm every time I fly. Forever. That doesn't seem like such a huge deal compared to the day to day vigilance. Pilot lessons may be out, however.

So, time will tell what will affect this. I'm convinced that the swelling must come down because I refuse to have a fat elbow and forearm forever. Time will tell what will exacerbate this. I'm going to do my stretches and slowly build the strength up in this arm and just pray that the wrapping will be rare occasions. I WILL get my pre-cancer arm and body back.

On that note, I also had my recommended consultation with the head of plastic surgery at Scripps to discuss options if I want corrective surgery after radiation. There are some options but, the best news all day (sadly)is that although fat transfer is very popular these days, I'm too lean to harvest any fat from. After all the bread, cheese and pain au chocolat from Napa, that is indeed good news.

Trying to regroup

2010-06-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

Trying to regroup from a scary incident that marred an absolutely magical trip to Napa.

My arm continued to swell in Napa, to the point that by Saturday morning, my right wrist bone had disappeared and my forearm rivaled Popeye’s. Only a very small percentage of those who have breast cancer surgeries will develop lymphedema. It looks like I may qualify for this group.

What is it?

Well, the surgeon removes several lymph nodes to see if the cancer has spread, thus compromising your lymphatic system. Forever. For some, there are no long-term repercussions. For others, fluid pools in places such as your breast, arm, hand and fingers. It is “incurable, painful and sometimes leads to complications.” Flying can trigger it.

Yesterday morning, I was freaking out and called the doctor to see if there were any preventative measures prior to boarding the plane to return home. The on-call oncologist told me not to get on the plane and to go to a local emergency room for an ultrasound, as there was danger I could have a blood clot. Huh? Not exactly news I wanted to hear. I wanted to come home. He emphatically stated that he did not recommend that I do that but, if I did to go straight to Urgent Care from the airport. Do not pass go. Do not collect $100.

It was not the most comforting of phone calls. The entire flight home was dominated by thoughts of having an aneurysm on the plane. Comas, brain damage, heart damage, death: you name it. Nobody mentioned the threat of blood clots from lymphedema.

The Lymphedema Association says you can NEVER do a lot of things like: get blood pressure taken on that arm, have blood drawn, get cut or scratched, get a bug bite : love this one, what do I do here? “Excuse me Mr. Bee, can you please sting my left arm instead?”, NEVER lift more than 15 pounds, avoid alcohol, don’t go in a sauna or hot tub, etc, etc.

The most troubling aspect is the potential of having to wear an extremely uncomfortable sleeve each and every time I exercise and fly or if it worsens, all the time. And, the lymphedema specialist I met back in March told me that wearing the sleeve during flying may or may not help. Nobody seems to have any true statistics.

Well, I wore the custom-fitted sleeve for most of the flight to Utah in May. It was painfully uncomfortable, not to mention hideously ugly. Imagine orthopedic hose from knuckle to shoulder. Not exactly what I’d like to wear as I teach yoga or workout myself. It would be one thing if I lived in Alaska and was always in long sleeves! How is that going to work for me as a yoga teacher in sunny San Diego?

The doctor yesterday also told me that until the swelling is completely gone that I couldn’t teach, much less practice, in the heat where I teach about half of my classes. So, there is a real impact on my career here.

I was really feeling optimistic and positive. My last chemo is this week. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Many of the side-effects I’ve endured will disappear by next month. Imagine: hair! energy! regular workouts! fiber!

Now, I feel angry, upset, devastated at how this could impact me long-term. I’m sure I’ll reach a place where I’m able to feel positive and overcome it. But, I’m not there yet.

2010-06-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

Napa!

Reynolds Winery. Burt Reynolds the charming orange cat who loved me. Fantastic!

Glorious weather, unbelievable scenery, perfect company.

Next stop, a winding drive up Spring Mountain to Pride Winery. We didn't have an appointment but, I guess we looked trustworthy so they let us in! It wasn't just tasting, our guide Russ took us through the caves and we even had a barrell tasting. He allowed me to hold the "thief" that removes the 2008 Cabernet straight out of the barrel. It was delicious. Russ also gave us a glass of Chardonnay to take up to the picnic tables that came complete with a panaroramic view off of Spring Mountain. We had four different types of cheeses from the Cheese Board in Berkeley and fresh baguettes. Who needs anything else?

Two more wineries. Feeling warm and happy.

Lymphedema and a swollen right arm but, I'm praying that goes away. It is a little better today but, very distressing.

We met another kitty on the street last night and got her a can of food. Someone had shaved half her body, she was painfully thin and beaten up. But, she was a sweetheart, purred when I petted her and was appreciative for an easy dinner. If we were in San Diego, I'd have brought her home. I'm praying someone else will.

Okay, time to transform into a glamorous blonde wine taster!! Darioush, here we come!!

Napa Eve

2010-06-16T21:13:00.001-07:00

Here I am, eve-ing it up again. But, I am excited to leave for Napa first thing in the morning! I'm packed and ready to go. Todd is already up in San Francisco so it feels like I'm flying off to meet my lover in an exotic locale. Sunshine, a room amongst the vines, wine, delicious food and Todd: I cannot wait! Will it be Dominique or Sheila stepping off that plane?

Today was fantastic. One of the best days I've had in a while. I taught two pilates class and the new Yoga for Healthy Backs class at Bindu Yoga. I had a leisurely lunch with my dear friend Zoe at one of my favorite restaurants, St. Tropez. We've both been so busy that actually having the time to just eat lunch and catch up felt very decadent. She's one of those people that you simply feel good being around.

I also met with Lisa from Lululemon to discuss the upcoming events we are going to offer at Lululemon in August. We are partnering to offer complimentary yoga for cancer recovery, taught by yours truly. I'm so excited at the opportunity to be able to be a resource for others living with cancer. It is going to be fantastic! More details to follow....

On days like today, I don’t feel like I have cancer at all. Well, except for a few choice moments wrestling with the wigs but, that is another story. I taught, I went to meetings, I got in a workout on the Reformer, I went to lunch, I packed for a really romantic trip: in other words I was fully engaged in my life and my day. Sometimes, throughout this whole ride, I’ve felt half-alive and numb. It was a gift to feel like Full-blown CLAIRE today.

This photo is from last summer's trip up to Central California. Wolff Winery

Getting emotional

2010-06-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Love this photo from Palm Springs pre-chemo! Makes me happy looking at it.

This week is going well thus far. I'm very excited to be heading to Napa the day after tomorrow! Nothing like getting out of town for a few days, especially somewhere as beautiful as Napa Valley. We get to stay in the middle of a vineyard! Talk about heaven.

So, for some reason I am crying often these days.

This morning, I cried when I made my appointment with the Radiation Oncologist. Mid-July is full of doctor's appointments again. It may sound strange but, having chemo every three weeks was kind of nice hiatus compared to the testing phase prior to it. At that point, Todd wanted to buy a frequent flier parking pass because we were at Scripps so often. As did all my friends who accompanied me to various probings.

I go in for a CT-Scan of my abdomen on July 15th to see if the liver spot has changed. All this chemo poison should've knocked it out if it were anything other than a cyst or birthmark. I am staying positive on the liver spot! If it is bad news, Todd and I are hitting France and Italy before Australia! Travel time....

The next day, I go in to see my Radiation Oncologist for a tattooing on the spot where they will direct the radiation beam. Every single day, 5 days a week, for seven weeks. Yes, my poor right boob. Darn! I've never wanted a tattoo, never wanted a permanent mark on my body and now I've got no choice. Scars and tattoos are unwelcome, uninvited reminders of the big C.

And, more daily crying for Oreo and his cancer. I can really see him slowing down. The vet did tell me that with his type of cancer, it is usually a matter of months. I hope he holds on! His last steroid shot didn't seem to have the same effect as the first two. At night, he has developed an unfortunate pattern of howling at the top of his lungs, and yes it is a howl not a meow, and jumping up onto the bed. He purrs for 5 minutes, settles in just long enough for me to return to sleep, and then hops off. Repeat. Several times. Not good for Todd and I's REM sleep, let me tell you.

For some reason, he can sleep uninterrupted for several hours during the day. He slept right through the earthquake last night. Hmmmm....funny how that works. Maybe I should wake him up repeatedly all day? That would show him! Seriously though, he looks like a little old man these days. I've had him for nine years so, it is a challenging process to begin letting him go. Hopefully not anytime soon.

Okay, time to go teach yoga. That blessed relief from thinking about me, me, me and giving to others. I don't know if I'd be doing as well as I've been if it weren't for having the gift of teaching.

And up we go!

2010-06-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes. I awoke feeling much better than I have since before the last round. How refreshing! I must confess that I slept until 10am. Perhaps sleeping for almost twelve hours healed me.

San Diego has been dominated by June Gloom for the last few weeks so, I was overjoyed that the sun decided to make an appearance today. Sunshine and legs that didn't feel like cement blocks! To celebrate, we went for a walk at the lagoon. Such a beautiful, tranquil environment, graced with sun-dappled trees, graceful egrets and other birds. It felt great to be outside, to be active, to not feel tied to the couch.

Gratitude has played a huge part in this journey. Gratitude for the love and support that I have received. Gratitude that I've tolerated the treatment well, for the most part. I've saved every single card, email and note that I've received since this all began in January. Today, I spent some time re-reading some of them.

I feel so blessed for the kind words, the well-wishes, the prayers, the sentiment. It is so uplifting to revisit all of them. It gives me renewed energy and faith to make it through the next weeks of chemo and the seven weeks of radiation.

My plans for providing Yoga for Cancer Recovery are really starting to fall into place. This week I should have a schedule for the month-long free series of classes that I will be able to offer at Lululemon for patients and survivors of all types of cancer. We want put together all kinds of resources. Exciting!

Three days until Napa!

Rollercoaster hitting the valley

2010-06-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

Feeling wobbly, just like I did in this photo balancing on one foot in the freezing iceplant. Thank goodness for Laura saving me from a tumble off of the cliff.

Sadly, my rollercoaster seems to be hovering at the bottom of the dip. Head on up, up, up! My energy levels are so low that I felt totally woozy and almost fell over at the cat house at Petco this morning. It started yesterday afternoon and just won't abate. I believe this is the time after chemotherapy when the white and red blood cell counts hit their lowest.

How does this make me feel? Two options for you: mild flu when you ache all over, your stomach is jumpy and you just want grilled cheese and chicken and rice soup. Or, you went out last night and thought it was a good idea to have the third apple martini, or margarita or....insert dangerous cocktail here. Either option yields the same results: must stay horizontal. Very disappointing! The unpredictability of how I am going to feel each day really bothers me.

Okay, the bright side: this will be the last dip I'll have knowing that I'll get knocked down again after my final chemo on June 24th. Thereafter, I will climb up and know that I don't have to go through this ever again. Ever again. If by some terrible chance I did have a recurrence, I would not do chemo again. This I know for sure.

So, I will lay around like a lump all weekend. Todd and I are going to Napa on Thursday and I need to feel fabulous! A romantic few days, staying at a winery in a beautiful loft converted from a barn, surrounded by vines. Motivation to rest now.

Ambassador Challenge!

2010-06-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

Rollercoaster...whoo hoo hoo hoo.

Rode the Cinnamon Bun ice cream high until 1pm today.

I woke up and meditated, with the assistance of Jake and Oreo. It wasn't pretty. My mind was flying all over the place but, I persevered, observed the million thoughts per minute, and when I opened my eyes, 20 minutes had elapsed. Success. Practice and persistence. Perhaps first thing in the morning isn't the best time for me because I wake up raring to get started and that makes clearing the mind a little tough. I'll experiment tomorrow.

Drumroll....big news: I am officially registered with CoachU, the leading global provider of coach training programs! I'm enrolled and ready to start in July. I love school. I am so excited!

The program is provided via teleclasses and one of my initial classes is at 6am on Thursday mornings. For some reason, Todd finds this amusing. I taught a 5:30am yoga class for three years. 5:30 AM! I used to do Outside Sales in an "East Coast" company that didn't care about people on the "West Coast" and routinely scheduled mind-numbing conference calls at 5 and 6am. So, there is no reason why I cannot roll from bed to desk, armed with major caffeine and sit on the phone and computer at 6am. As long as Skype isn't involved, I'm safe in my Hello Kitty pajamas.

My energy took a dramatic dip this afternoon. The cats are so happy that I've seen the light about numerous daily naps. It is so weird how I can feel fine one moment and the next I absolutely must lay down. Boom, no warning. It is part of what makes me nervous about going to yoga or other classes: that I'll just zonk out in the middle. Like the Energizer Bunny. Only two weeks to my final chemo so, I expect my energy to return in July.

Just in time for Lululemon Ambassador Month! We had our first official Ambassador meeting this evening and I was thrilled to meet some of the other Ambassadors for the first time. What a line-up! From Tim Miller of the Ashtanga Yoga Center, to Shannon of Pure Barre La Costa, to Gina the Soccer Coach/Runner/PhD candidate, to Robert "Mr. Kettlebell", to Dejinira the amazing Personal Trainer and Zumba Master, it is quite a group. Add Dre, Natalie and Laura from Lulu and it was an inspiring evening. I am honored to be part of this group.

Lots of brainstorming occurred and we agreed that it was a fabulous idea for the Ambassadors and the Lululemon Carlsbad community to have a July challenge where we all get out of our comfort zones and run around taking everybody else's classes and workouts. It will be so much fun to be part of this challenge and I am sure highly entertaining to see the yogis do kettlebells and the runners get on a little zumba and and and....the possibilities are endless. I can't wait.

But, for tonight, my energy has once again elapsed.

Night night.

Meditation, Music and Ben & Jerry

2010-06-09T20:10:00.000-07:00

So many different experiences can alter one's mood, don't you think? All in unique ways. I am a different person tonight from this morning thanks to meditation, music and B&J.

This morning, I woke up with my usual Day-6-Post-Chemo-Irritable-Witch-From-Hell hat securely in place. Just like a newborn comes screaming out into the world, I opened my eyes howling and red-faced. Well, maybe not red-faced but, it sounds good.

Cooped up too many days. Unable to work out in any way that really feels like working out. Feeling the muscle atrophy slowly permeate from head to toe. Unable to really focus my brain in a satisfying manner for more than 10 minutes.

Recognizing my condition, I chose to set it right. I screamed a few times, much to Jake and Oreo's horror. They prefer me quiet and cuddly. I then spouted off in my Twilight journal. Almost done with it and can start on the New Moon journal. Working through the tin collection.

I pulled myself together and went to teach Pilates, which always cheers me up. I love my 8:30am crew: such positive energy and simply fun. Afterwards, I did a mild reformer workout for myself to get the energy flowing.

Prior to class, I'd sent out an S.O.S. to my friend Stephanie's husband, Mike, who is a healer and teacher of meditation. Meditation Emergency!
I needed a house call, pronto.

I may have mentioned a few hundred times that I have trouble meditating unless I physically exhaust myself first. Vinyasa yoga is meditation for me. Without the asana practice, however, I cannot calm the overactive brain. Since my practice is virtually non-existent due to the chemo and my right arm not being quite right yet, I haven't meditated. And, I need it. A lot. My goal is to meditate daily, without any need for yoga or any other physical exertion. A lofty aim for me. Enter Mike!

Mike, like all gifted teachers, reminded me that I already know how to meditate. I didn't have to practice yoga first. I just had to sit down, close my eyes and DO IT. Random thoughts popped up, anything from not having time to see the Great Barrier Reef to a craving for mashed potatoes to wondering if I should move my foot because it had fallen dead asleep. He guided me through what I assumed was about 15 minutes and it was actually 35 minutes! Calmed, centered and ready for a nap. I have a plan for tomorrow morning's solo meditation. Thank you Mike!

Later the same day, on my way to teach my lovely 6pm Pilates crew, I hit the radio bonanza. I actually sang to Incubus and Rage Against the Machine all the way to Frogs and had to sit in my car to listen to Chris Cornell's, Like a Stone. A little Pearl Jam "Black" and Stone Temple Pilots completed my fabulous set. Thank you 91x. I've got the musical taste of a teenage boy (teenage boy in the 90s) and hearing some of my favorites, all in a row, just lifted me up. Music is such a transporter and healer for me. Different than the meditation but, just as effective to shift my mood.

And, finally, the pint of Ben & Jerrys Cinnamon Buns ice cream sent me over the edge. Can you say sugar high? One issue from the chemotherapy is that often nothing tastes cold enough. Even putting ice in water fails to make it more than lukewarm to me. Thus, I've been craving ice cream and I'm not an ice cream person. I like my sweets to be baked. Cookies, cake, cupcakes, brownies: that's my MO. Cancer-Claire prefers ice cream and frozen yogurt. The ice cream feels just cool enough. So cool in fact that I looked down and I'd polished off the pint. I guess all that singing made my throat extra dry.

Tonight, I feel great. Choosing to take action and ask for help with the meditation was all I needed to start me in the right direction. Tomorrow, I will wake up with a smile.

Round 5 Much better than Round 4!

2010-06-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

Thus far, Round 5 greatly exceeds Round 4.

No huge swollen Uncle Fester Head.

No extreme muscle pain.

No useless, exhausted limbs.

Actually, today was quite productive. I'm always a happy girl when I feel that I can check items off of my to-do list. Confirmed that my accountant filed my taxes, yes, they were late but, hey, I figured I had a good excuse for an extension. Good news is that I actually got a refund. Direct to the Great Barrier Reef fund.

The highlight of my day was a complimentary facial. Free Facial. Free Facial. Free Facial. How wonderful is that? Facelogic in Encinitas offers free facials for cancer patients every other month. They donate their time and talent to give others going through challenging times some much-needed pampering. From the moment I walked into the soothing environment, I felt special. After my appointment with Mareli, my skin felt like buttah! www.facelogicspa.com/encinitas.

Upon arriving home, the lovely Bonnie dropped off a tasty dinner of sweet potatoes and salmon. The sweet potatoes were so yummy that I stuffed myself beyond the brim. Will I ever learn to stop eating when I am full? Too good to resist!

I plan on taking it easy this week in order to fully recuperate so that I go into Round 6 as strong as possible. We are looking at days people, days. 17 days. Then, no more chemo ever. No. More. Chemo. Ever. Again.

I wish I were feeling more articulate so I could express what's going on inside of me. I'm afraid that my brain is rather floaty and loose right now. Perhaps later this week, some of these realizations and lessons will solidify enough to be documented.

Napping with Oreo

2010-06-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

Round 5 Thursday. Check.

Oreo's Round 3 Steroid shot yesterday. Check.

We are both doing pretty well. Ready for a nap.

5 down, 1 to go!

2010-06-04T20:44:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe that I've completed five rounds of chemotherapy. 15 weeks! That means just one more to go. Ever. It hasn't quite sunk in yet. Bring on June 24th!

Dominique accompanied my head to yesterday's round, which took place in the fancy new Chemo Lounge with a view of the Torrey Pines Golf course. Nikke was wonderful company and I appreciated her being there with me for acupuncture and chemo. Todd came for the final hour and took me home.

Interestingly, a woman named Sheila who was there for her first treatment came by my chair to compliment me on Dominique. I told her that I had another wig named Sheila! She is going to meet with Patti, the amazing wig lady on Tuesday. Sheila is going to name one of her wig's Claire. Ahhh, the tangled webs we weave.

Last night, I laid down at 6pm and didn't wake until 8:30am! Wow. I guess I needed it. No nausea again, thanks to Lois, the magical acupunturist. I am convinced that I haven't had any major issues with nausea because of her skill with the needles.

Frogs Yoga this morning. Feedback that I was "feisty" which means that the steroids were in full effect. Ahhh, love the Frogs Yoga Friday crew. Such beautiful energy. Followed this with the requisite Lululemon Carlsbad Forum visit. And purchases. Who can resist? Fabulous people, fabulous clothes! Steroid induced shopping is dangerous...

I'm thrilled to announce that I should be teaching a weekly Yoga for Cancer Therapy class at the Lululemon store for the month of August. This class will be specifically tailored for all types of cancer patients and those recovering from cancer treatment. Thereafter, I plan on adding a weekly class in North County. I cannot wait to start down this path.

Treatment-wise: I've got my CT scan scheduled for July 15th. We'll see if that pesky liver spot is still on my liver, whether it has shrunk or if it is gone. My vote is disappearance. Follow up with the oncologist on July 23rd. Seven weeks of radiation treatment starts around that time and I'm also supposed to start on the 5 year Tamoxafin drugs.

Silver lining: the chemotherapy portion of this ride is almost over.

Chemo Eve #5

2010-06-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

The orange tang bag is packed. Again. Ready to head to Scripps.

Gossip magazines: Check.
Ipod: Check.
$400 anti-nausea medication: Check.
Incredible soft blanket from Dreamy: Check.
Cruncy cinnamon sugar Pita chips from Trader Joes. Check.

Today turned out to be a good day. I was still feeling kind of off this morning but, the lovely Christy treated me to an hour long Reflexology session at De la Sole in Del Mar. www.delasolereflexology.com. It was fabulous! The studio is completely zen, with big cushy chairs, soft lighting and peaceful music. Sixty minutes of a head massage, arm and hand massage and a fabulous foot reflexology massage. I accessed that blessed space between sleep and consciousness and left feeling relaxed and refreshed. I highly recommend it!

I'm also flying on my mandatory steroids. My 6pm Pilates Reformer class felt the energy this evening! I'm looking forward to teaching yoga in the morning before chemo. Even though I need to teach bald and feel like GI Jane. Can't wait for the hair to return....

The day was capped off by a fantastic dinner delivery from the sweet, generous Lori. Yum. It has been such a gift to have dinner dropped off over these last few months. It just makes the day so much easier and lifts the burden on Todd because I just don't have the energy to attempt dinner very often. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

No big lessons today but, I'm sure they are continuing to percolate. Day by day.

23 days to go....

2010-06-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

It is almost time for Chemo Round #5. Thursday. That means it will officially be THREE WEEKS until the last round of chemotherapy. Pretty amazing. There really is an end to this portion of the journey. In sight.

I've been doing more yoga practice at home, specifically targeted to Yoga for Cancer Recovery. I've been utilizing the training I completed back in April. I think it is about all I can do until chemo is over.

My brother forwarded me a link to an article in Time magazine about how yoga helps cancer patients and survivors. You may have to cut and paste but, check it out:

Study: Yoga Improves Quality of Life After Cancer - TIME

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1990540,00.html?artId=1990540?contType=article?chn=sciHealth

Yesterday was a great Memorial Day holiday. My newly engaged friend Angie and her fiance Darin came down to San Diego for an impromptu visit. The last few times Angie has been down have been dominated by the head-shaving party, the liver biopsy and bringing snacks to me as I was housebound with the evil drain. It was wonderful to actually have a social visit instead! We met up with friends at the beach, went to a great dinner at Via Italia and got to just hang out. Fabulous.

On the physical side, I've not felt great since the last round of chemotherapy. My legs are consistently fatigued, sore and generally not my own. I guess the cumulative effect is weighing me down. My right arm and shoulder still feel swollen and tight and I am praying vigorously that I don't have lymphedema. Please, please, please no!

Emotionally, I do feel that there is an end in sight and I'm very excited to have a true countdown. Radiation just feels like it won't be a big deal after chemo. I hope I'm not being naive! I'm just so ready for these three week cycles to cease and to return to a regular schedule. The "hold" that has been in effect will be lifted and I can start to implement some of the seeds planted during these last months.

23 days to go...

Voila!

2010-05-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

I awoke to discover that I have Monday off! Originally, I was scheduled to teach Pilates at 7:30am and yoga at noon but, now I've got the entire day free. What a great way to start the day. Not that I don't love teaching but, having two days in a row completely free is a luxury that I welcome.

Yesterday was rough emotionally. I couldn't shake the dark cloud obscuring all else. My attempts to write both here and on my dusty little novel were fruitless. I ended up putting down quite a bit and then deleting it all. On purpose. Ahh, the joys of computers. Back in college, I'd have had to tear up the typewritten pages instead of simply hitting one key to remove them from existence.

We spent some time at the pool this afternoon and soaked up a little sunshine. Slathered with 60 sunscreen of course. Nothing relaxes me more than reading a good book with the sun warming my skin and a cool ocean breeze keeping me from overheating.

I've decided to re-read all of my Hemingway novels. He is my favorite author. I plowed halfway through the Sun Also Rises at the pool. Hemingway captures Paris perfectly and makes me so nostalgic for the time when I was lucky enough to live there. The romanticism of writing, drinking and eating in Paris, of living in the moment. Nobody can elicit the same emotions as he can.

A Moveable Feast is next. Actually, it is my favorite so, I should save it for last after I revisit For Whom the Bell Tolls. Not my favorite. Importantly, I can totally escape into Hemingway's world, leaving my issues behind. And, he motivates me to write. The more I read his work, the more I am able to flow within mine. I'll finish that novel yet.

In terms of milestones for today, 25 days remain until my last day of chemotherapy. Three and one-half weeks. When I glance in the rear view mirror, I am amazed that it is almost the five month mark from the fateful date I found the lump. Is fateful a word?

After the last chemo, I've got a break for two or three weeks, then six or seven weeks of daily radiation, so August appears to be the true end to this ordeal. I actually still don't understand the radiation. If the chemotherapy is killing all the cells in my body, wouldn't it kill the ones surrounding the lump removal site? Isn't radiation a little bit of overkill? Does my body really need any more collateral damage than it has already received? I am ready for closure.

I've been very anxious that I am developing lymphedema in my right arm. I may have overdid my pilates on Friday and my right chest, back, deltoid and arm have felt heavy and a little swollen. My underarm is still totally numb and the inside of my upper arm is numb too so it is hard to ascertain what is happening.

This road to recovery is a rough one. I'm trying to maintain at least a some daily activity but, when my legs just stop moving, the walks are a challenge. I was planning on some vinyasa flow yoga but, I cannot put any weight on my right arm until it feels normal again. I'll do my range of motion and flexibility exercises but, it is so frustrating to be unable to really move and get the endorphins flowing.

So much restriction. So many rules. I can't wait until my body can do what my mind desires it to do. Patience has always been a major issue for me. I attribute that primarily to my French heritage. French Corsican heritage. It is in my blood to be impatient, impetuous and passionate. Cancer requires the complete opposite set of emotional skills and although I began practicing yoga in 1999, I am not equipped to calmly proceed through the maze that is cancer treatment. Too bad this cancer didn't wait about twenty more years to hit me.

First Annual Writer's Block Day

2010-05-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

I officially have writer's block today. Check back tomorrow and perhaps my brain will click back to "on."

Full Moon Rising!

2010-05-27T21:27:00.001-07:00

Based on how I've been feeling the last few days, I can now predict the future. Ha!

Here goes: on the following dates: June 12th through the 24th AND July 3rd to forever....I will be feeling pretty darned good. Please feel free to schedule social visits, attend my yoga classes, and pick up the phone. You may catch glimpses of me around the county, masquerading as Sheila, Dominique, Giselle or Britney, depending upon the day.

The crystal ball says to avoid me June 6th through 12th and June 27th until July 3rd. At all costs. Really, just ask Todd about last week. Visualize a crabby little kid whose summer camp session was canceled and had to stay home and play Monopoly with the parents. Not pretty. Don't be surprised if I don't answer the phone. But, do leave me a kind message anyway.

It is so satisfying to have the energy to go meet a friend for lunch, to have the energy to go buy two new tires to teach yoga, to attend a healing evening filled with several beautiful, strong women. Another good day.

Tonight I attended a very special, energizing event at the home of Victoria Bearden, a talented astrologer in Encinitas. She hosted a Full Moon Manifestation Circle. What is a Full Moon Manifestation Circle you ask? Essentially, it is an opportunity to write down manifestations you want to create in your life, harness the energy of a group of like-minded positive women, enjoy a Tibetan bowl meditation culminated by sitting around an outdoor fire pit together and releasing your written card into the fire. Yowwwww! Very powerful.

What I found interesting was that I wrote down three manifestations. Nothing on the list had anything to do with breast cancer or health. Nothing. From the beginning of this journey, it never once occurred to me that I was going to die from this disease. Well, okay, maybe once or twice. I'm not afraid of death; I just know it isn't my time yet. Too much to do.

I've got so much that has been incubating as I've been in my I Dream of Jeannie Bottle these last months. As I wrote the other day, many of my dreams seem to be crystallizing. I know that my future is incredible and I am on the path to being what I am meant to be, doing what I am meant to do.

Dominique has a fabulous day!

2010-05-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

And the winner is.....Dominique! Thanks Arch, for your creative vision.

Dominique's inaugural excursion was a smashing success. She taught pilates, went out to lunch, shopped, and even did some laundry, all in sassy style. Whereas I still feel self-conscious in Sheila or sometimes even in one of the hat-hairs, Dominique is so radically different then Claire that I felt liberated.

So, whether it is the fact that I am almost two weeks out from Round 4 and physically stronger each day or that life as a redhead is just more exciting, I feel good today. I feel more connected. That vague feeling of isolation is lifting and my mind and heart feel stimulated.

I committed to teaching a yoga class beginning in July, at a studio where I've always wanted to teach, Yoga Swami. I feel blessed for the connection that created the opportunity. Thank you Katie!

And, I took another step forward in taking my career to the next level. The final piece of the puzzle, you could say. I attended an informational call with Coach U, a life coaching training school. For many years, I've been interested in adding coaching to my arsenal, as a natural extension of teaching yoga and pilates and seeking to help others. It sounds like an amazing program that won't interrupt my teaching and writing schedule, only complement it.

Why add a coaching credential?

I'd like to help others who have gone through a life-changing crisis, like cancer or AIDS or losing a loved one. I'd like to help pave the way back from darkness to one filled with light. To reconnect with the physical body, the heart and the mind. I'd also like to help motivate those who just feel generally stuck and need encouragement and a plan to implement a professional or personal transformation. Coaching just gives some more structure and tools to the process.

So many people I've encountered have no idea where to start, how to rebuild, how to recreate a life after a crisis. One thing I know is change! If I can share lessons from my experiences, if I can make a difference, if I can heal in some small way, I am fulfilled. Mind, body and spirit.

Now, need to continue working on my own healing.

A Contest....

2010-05-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

For all of you who've told me you weren't comfortable posting comments on the blog: I've made it easy for you! I went out on a limb and opted for a short auburn wig. Who knew? I feel like I've got an alter-ego.

So, let's name her. I'm thinking french and exotic. Brigitte and Chantalle are the front-runners but, I am open to suggestion! Please help me name her! Her maiden voyage on my big bald head is tomorrow morning to teach Pilates.

I am close to 100% today and it feels good. I'm hopeful that the next week continues this trend and I'll be able to take advantage of feeling stronger and be able to do more yoga, do more pilates, do more walking on the beach. To have the strength to live life on a larger scale and not be held back by these side-effects is all I want.

Change is the only constant

2010-05-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

Lots of focus these days on remembering to take things day by day. To be grateful. To savor each moment when I feel good, from basking in the San Diego sunshine, enjoying a movie on the couch with Todd, cuddling with Oreo and Jake, to smiling at the commercial for the premiere of Eclipse next month. Yes, it makes me smile.

Just as I try to enjoy each positive moment, I am trying to remind myself that the hours of feeling fatigued, the numbness in my hands and feet, the new weird red marks on my hands, the waves of depression that inevitably settle in won't last forever. It isn't permanent.

Nothing is.

I recall consoling friends who were going through difficult situations to remember that things would get better. I remember others giving me the same advice when I experienced the lowest lows and felt hopeless. The tide always turns. Really, the only thing we can count on in this lifetime is that nothing stays the same. That you never know what beautiful experience is awaiting you tomorrow. To hold on during the lows in order to ascend to the highs once again.

Today, ten days out from Round 4, I really still don't feel very well. I'm doing my best to stay optimistic. Yoga, meditation, writing in my journal, staying connected with my friends and family, enjoying nature. Part of me just wants to go to sleep for the next five weeks and wake up and this will all be in the rear view mirror.

I do know that this final climb is going to be the most challenging for me. I'm simply exhausted. I'm extra sensitive and emotional. Prickly. My hearing is more acute. Like a bat. My sense of smell is sharper each day. Like a hound. I am the BatHound.

Positive for today: I am back to teaching this week. I'll close with that high note.

Stop the oil

2010-05-23T17:11:00.000-07:00

Things seem to be falling into place. I feel less of that frustrated "stuck" feeling and more movement in a positive direction. A light at the end of the tunnel with treatment. Day by day, step by step. I don't feel like writing about me today, (miracle, I know), however.

I cannot stop thinking about the ramifications of this tragic oil spill in the Gulf. It infuriates me that these huge oil companies can go drill deep into the ocean and now scratch their heads and act puzzled about how to remedy their error? How can they be allowed to drill, without even basic protocols in place in case of situations like this? It is criminal.

It reminds me of big insurance companies: all about profit and money, weighing the risks of actually being held accountable versus spending the money to take appropriate precautions.

Hello, Ford Pinto anyone? Those insurance talking heads sat around and discussed whether they should fix the gas tank because they knew that it would blow up, knew that people would die. Looking simply at the money it would take to fix it up front against risking deaths of people, they chose to risk it. All to make millions up front.

Just like BP.

Other industries are required to have major safety measures in place prior to proceeding, right? Think aerospace, medical, you name it.

How can these "drill baby drillers" be allowed to cause one of the major environmental tragedies of our time and get away with it? It isn't just negligent, it is criminal. I find it hard to fathom that they weren't aware of the risks of drilling. The poor birds, turtles, fish and animals are now washing up, covered with oil, dying a slow, terrible death, for what? Fisherman and others who make their living from the water are now devastated and ruined, for what?

I just pray that somebody can pull it together and stop the gallons surging and clean up what is already contaminating the waters. Now. Stop the madness, please.

Rolling, rolling, rolling....light at the end of the tunnel

2010-05-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

This fourth round aftershock is really a rollercoaster. I thought I'd stepped off the ride yesterday but, that doesn't appear to be the case.

Last night, when I went to bed I ended up having hot flashes, I'm talking waking up drenched in sweat, along with numbness in my right index finger and thumb, numbness in my left foot and the occasional shooting pain down my legs. Let's just say it wasn't my most peaceful slumber to date. Unfortunately, it lasted through today as well.

Because I felt and looked like death warmed over, I frantically tried to get my yoga class covered this morning. Literally dialing up until 10:15 and the class starts at 10:35am. I made it through by sheer stubborness, although I did have to teach the last 30 minutes just sitting on my mat. Wobbly and weak.

Enough of detailing my litany of physical ailments, as that is very boring. But, if someone else reading this has experienced the same thing, maybe it is helpful to not feel like the only person in the world with a body out of control.

The nature of this disease is simply isolating. The other day, I was talking to my friend who just completed her chemotherapy. We concurred that it is often easier to just stay in the house then make the effort to put on the makeup, wig and/or hat. And, when I am feeling that way, I really don't feel like me. Shut down.

Today, I finally got to catch up with one of my best friends and hear all the wonderful things that are happening in her life. A nice lengthy phone conversation felt like a luxury. It felt so great to connect. I am looking forward to the time where spending time on the phone and in person is once again the norm. I miss my friends. Love this photo of us in Cabo.

Okay, the rollercoaster is definitely soaring now! Todd and I just booked our tickets to Australia for September 17th to October 3rd. My first trip to the land down under. I can't believe it!! This trip will be the light at the end of the tunnel! Yippee!!

A little clarity

2010-05-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

Today, doomsday is ebbing away in the rear view mirror. Today, I walked on the beach with Todd and enjoyed the soft air washing over me as the waves broke on Ponto Beach. Today, the effects of Round 4 are fading. And, today, I finally felt clarity and certainty about my career direction.

My cleaning out the nightstand drawer was just the beginning. Today, I spent several hours organizing my beautiful file cabinet. New file folders, new labels with varied color magic markers, a place for everything, everything in its place. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. I've now got my Yoga, Pilates, Fitness, Writing, Coaching, Goal Setting, Cat Rescue, and of course my Personal files all set up properly. I pared down and am now primed to move ahead.

Yes, I am a colossal dork.

But, I feel fantastic and ready to take the steps that can implement all I want to do. Whereas I've been feeling suspended since January, I now feel like I can start making some forward progress. It feels fantastic.

This cancer can have part of my time; this cancer cannot have all of my time.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life..la la...la la..la la

2010-05-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt much like writing because I've been feeling so down that I didn't really want to spread that energy out into the universe. God forbid anyone ever read my private journal where I really vent! I'm swimming up from the depths so, here goes.

As I discussed last time, I cannot believe that four months have elapsed and that I am in the midst of chemotherapy, baldness, weakness, and cancer. The cycles of this treatment really do vary, although they are seemingly the same. The fatigue is striking my muscles hard again this time. My legs feel like lead bricks. What is a lead brick? The heaviest thing I can muster at present.

Anyway, all of my limbs feel like I am wading through molasses. Although I'd really like to go for a walk, I just cannot. Yesterday, we went for 15 minutes and Todd had to push me up the hill back into the door.

I did wander around Target for a while today, earning my spot in the FB group, "I went to Target for shampoo and spent $150." Well, my title should be I went to Target for anything BUT shampoo, right? Nonetheless, I worked the aisles, and rewarded myself with a new lipgloss, and not one, but two books that look interesting enough to finish. I barely restrained myself from purchasing the lovely blue Team Edward T-shirt. I want it. If someone happens to buy it for me, in size Small, I will wear it. In public. Hint. Hint. (that is Team Edward. Size Small)

I choose to count the Target excursion as 30 minutes of exercise. Anything not flat out on my back, as I currently am, has to count as activity.

Tomorrow will be an intensive rest day, complemented with an afternoon massage. Maybe a good deep tissue massage will stimulate these semi-worthless limbs. Another strange side-effect that is impacting me for the first time is some tingling and numbness in both my feet and hands. I can't recall which of the three drugs, T, A, or C has that fun result but, I feel it. While I stand or walk. Currently, my left wrist is tingling. I am officially a science project.

Needless to say, I am crabby and not particularly friendly today. Poor Todd, having to live in the cross-fire. I am sorry, my love.

Today, I personify my pet peeve person. You know, the one who wants to just dump all their problems in your lap but doesn't want to lift a finger to try to solve them? the emotional vampire? Yes, that is me. I have a tough time abiding the victim mentality, but it looks like I'm wallowing in it for now. No suggestions, no silver lining, no bright side of life. (enter Monty Python Bright Side of Life song here)

I can confess all my darkness because I am rising above it. I can feel it. Soon. And, my favorite person, Randi, did drop off her super-sinful, perfect, delicious brownies.

There isn't much that a tasty, homemade brownie cannot fix.