Musings on the ending of 2010

For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.
-- T.S. Eliot

As 2010 draws to a conclusion, I must admit that I feel a great deal of pressure to create a few pithy blog entries. Lovely passages that sum up this rollercoaster of a year. Lovely passages thanking all the beautiful people in my life without whom I wouldn't have survived. Lovely passages reflecting in a nice, neat manner all that I am thankful for. Lovely passages listing out all that I have learned. Lovely passages wrapping up this year-long journey in a beautifully wrapped bow.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

Instead, I have to say that December has been scattered, at best. Talk about changes. Endings. Beginnings. I haven't sat down and truly reflected on everything that transpired this year, both cancer and non-cancer related. Or, is everything somehow cancer related because the bulk of my time was spent fighting it?

Last December, I had a reading from a Psychic/Tarot reader who told me that I would receive all I wanted in this lifetime: love, success in my chosen endeavors, passion, security but, at a price. She said that my life was tinged with bittersweet and as long as I could accept the bitter with the sweet, I would be fine. So, in reviewing 2010, let's see if that holds up.

It is so true that you should never give up hope because you never know what is just around the corner. Who could have predicted on January 1st where I would be today? Or, on January 12th, when I was formally diagnosed with cancer?

One of my dreams is to become a successful author: I now have a full manuscript and am in the process of submitting it for publication. What was the price? Cancer. It may take me a while to get it published but, I've proven to myself that I can write daily and be disciplined. Finishing my romance novel is next.

I have grown closer to some amazing people and am thrilled at the richness and depth of the burgeoning relationships. What was the price? Letting go of other relationships that did not withstand the cancer. I know that people often come into your life for a period of time and then move on and that is okay. I am still very sad at some of the losses but, am choosing to accept and let go. My family and true friends have been amazing and I am not yet able to articulate all I am feeling in that regard.

Todd stood by me throughout this most challenging of years and really showed me how real our love is. We are enjoying re-establishing the new normal. I don't know how you ever really thank someone for all the love and selfless devotion it takes to be the partner of someone in treatment for cancer. I guess by healing and moving on? Or, a Rolex?

I just cannot believe that it has been almost a year. Wow. I am not going to say that I am a better person for having cancer because I don't think that I am. It has definitely changed my path and deepened my purpose in helping and healing. But, at the end of the day, I am the same Claire who loves the people in her life, the same Claire that is the little old cat lady in training, the same Claire who loves teaching, the same Claire who likes to rock out to Guns N Roses, the same Claire who yells at all the incompetent drivers, the same Claire that loves bread, cheese, wine and chocolate.

Same old Claire: now if the hair would just grow faster!

Insomnia, insomnia, go away!

It is 1am Sunday night and I cannot fall back asleep. When will the insomnia stop plaguing me? I fell asleep normally but, woke up about 45 minutes ago and sleep eludes me. Instead of suffering in bed, tossing and turning, I'll write.

Why am I awake? Let's see: my lymphedema seems to be acting up a little bit and the giant oven-mitt night sleeve feels extremely tight and constricting. When I removed it to type on the computer, the grooves on my arm are deep. In fact, this sleeve has woken me up numerous nights simply from the discomfort. I guess that means it is working?

Next, the hot flashes are hitting me hard again. I think it is time to see Lois again for some acupuncture. The last round must have worn off or something! As I write, my face feels flushed with heat.

And, tomorrow or should I say today, I've got my first MRI check-up post-treatment. We did the mammogram a few weeks back and they said it looked clear. Well, last September my mammogram was normal and I found the tumor four months later. Not exactly reassuring.

In February, the MRI was one of a myriad of tests that really sucked. Really horrible. They put an IV in my arm with dye and it is painful. Then, they have you lay down in a machine with your boobs in slots as the jackhammering of the machine blots out the rest of the world.

I am not looking forward to it. At all.

So, I guess the combination of these three things is keeping my brain active despite the tiredness of my mind and body.

Life continues to fly at a pace that I can barely keep up with. There is just so much to do! All positive! I continue to remind myself to breathe. Pause and breathe.

Between preparing the syllabus and course outline for the Spring semester at MiraCosta, arranging and attending meetings for the upcoming Yoga for Hope event, www.yogaforhope.org/sd, sending out query letters to agents for my proposed book, being interviewed for Vision Magazine, setting up a meeting with a videographer to discuss filming a DVD for Yoga for Cancer Recovery, preparing for Christmas, and continuing to build my yoga practice and physical activity back up to pre-cancer levels and oh yes, teaching, I'm riding the magic carpet ride!

Micaela and Todd from EpicPhotoJournalism took some amazing photos of me for the Yoga for Hope event, including the one in this post. A symbol of rebirth and healing.

I am looking forward to a lull in the activity to sit and reflect on all the changes for 2010. Some powerful transitions and transformations this year. I feel blessed to be feeling as good as I feel and to have so many amazing people in my life.

An Emotional Week....in a good way

Throughout my treatment, one of my persistent themes seemed to be that I felt stagnant, that life was passing me by, that everyone and everything else was moving forward and I was stuck in cancer treatment limbo.

Well, that phase is most definitely over.

Now, I'm holding on tight as life is speeding along at an incredible rate. The blessings, the gifts, the amazing people that I am meeting, the joy that I am feeling is slightly overwhelming. All in a good way but, wow!

I am really excited about the new job at MiraCosta College starting next month. My hefty HR packet arrived, which makes it all seem very official. I'll be working with an awesome group of people, getting paid to do what I love. I've missed being an active part of a yoga teacher training program and am really looking forward to it. Time to dive deep!

And, I've been blogging less because I've been focused on crafting a query letter to find a literary agent. I'm adapting the blog into a book. Based on all of the feedback that I have received, I believe that I can really help others with my story. So, I've been researching agents and starting the process of getting published. Fingers crossed!

This week has been very emotional. World AIDS Day struck me quite hard as I paused to remember my brother Paul, who died at age 27 and my brother Andre who died at age 34 from this disease. It has been 20-plus years now and still feels like yesterday. I guess you never really get over that type of loss, do you? Tragic. Everything seems to be striking me strongly and that is okay. I've cried more in the last few weeks then I have in the last six months. I guess it is time to release.

On that note, my friend Tracy took me to the most magical, fabulous yoga class ever. We went to the Yinki class at Soul of Yoga on Thursday night. We were in Pigeon for six minutes on each side and the teacher was also performing Reiki healing. I've been battling a hip-flexor issue in my right hip forever. And, after that class, I feel like I've been healed. It is nothing short of miraculous. I'm so excited at this discovery!!

My body finally is starting to feel like MY body again. I took some great classes this week and some shifts are occurring. Finally. Patience is not my greatest virtue (ahem) and it has been a challenge this year to contend with all the delays in returning to a regular yoga and Pilates practice. I feel that I've crossed the line into truly feeling at home in my body again. Unifying the physical with the emotional and mental. At last.

On a comical note, I learned that my body is on the www.lululemon.com website! They used some of my ambassador photos. If you go to the site, there I am under Jackets and Pants. What is the funny part? My head is cut off. I don't know whether I should feel offended or flattered? I think I'll just stick with amused.